Why is it frowned upon to admit you enjoy parenting and don’t find it that hard?

[Namedrama]

I am pleased that we live in a time where many people are very open about their struggles. When finding a particular stage of life hard it’s no doubt comforting to hear you aren’t alone. However, with parenting it seems almost obligatory to say you find it hard. Every instagrammer, blogger, journalist with young children seems focus on how hard it is, how they have lost their freedom, how they need a drink to get through, how they crave two mins peace, how they never knew the challenges etc. Often this is caveated with a final line that they wouldn’t trade their babies for the world but that’s after many paragraphs of detailing the struggle.

If you really enjoy parenthood it now seems wrong to say it out loud. Somehow it’s boastful or undermining. God forbid you suggest you think you are good at it, your kids are well behaved or achieving well.

I just wonder how healthy all this really is. Doesn’t concentrating on the positives make life easier and happier? I had to distance myself from some friends while on maternity leave as they were so negative about the experience that it started to make me anxious and worried that it was only a matter of time before I somehow realised it was all impossible too. Even now I have older children nobody seems to want to just say “Aren’t we lucky, isn’t this fun, this is a brilliant time of our lives.” I wonder if concentrating on the negatives doesn’t perpetuate the negatives?

Just a thought really. Maybe others find it easier to celebrate parenthood.

I also wonder if our generation finds it harder than previous generations or whether we just have more platforms to complain.

My DM, not that I'm recommending this, was so hands off I practically raised myself! In my day, parents didn't help with homework and we were pretty much left to our own devices. I wonder if all this micromanaging and pandering that parents tend to do these days is actually creating a rod for their own back. Just a thought...

Bloggers need readers and clicks readers like reading negative things and apparentley mummy needs gin is hilarious the bloggers who post happy family pics and stories are slated for being smug or liars, I think in general most parents have good and bad days .

Your ‘group think’ sounds like a social media group

What about rl? You might find it more realistic and less posting for attention

Just because they find it difficult doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it?
I absolutely love being a parent to my two but oh my god I never realized the amount of head space a child would take .
Most days I’m like a crazy lady, some days everything falls in to place and I love it always but yes parenting is hard work!

@namedrama I had a trying time early doors because I was having a trying time. That comment reads like you’re saying I was having a bad time because I read some blogs? I hope that’s not the case.

Your ‘group think’ sounds like a social media group

What about rl? You might find it more realistic and less posting for attention

Personally I barely use social media and it's my parent friends in RL that go on endlessly about how hard it is. It doesn't bother me actually and I like hearing about their lives. However, it just annoys me a tad when they assume I will find it awful too and don't let me enjoy the idea of maternity leave, for example, because no one can know what my experience will be like!

actually, I've never thought about this, I tend to agree, yes it's hard, but the reality was our daughter was and is a dream. She was always a well behaved child, she went through the night at eleven weeks, she's a straight a student with a first class law degree and a good job at 21. I think the sun shines out her backside and we were always a team of three.

Yes it was hard at times as we both worked, but that was few and far between, normally we managed it and loved all being together, And yes I'd have found it dull and hard to give up and stay home...,

And now,,,although she lives in her uni city, she still texts me good morning and good night, love you, every day, face times about two or three times a week, and comes home regularly and I go up there.

I love being a parent, my child has always been paramount to me, and I think it's one thing to empathise, but it's also ok to say, sometimes, just sometimes, being a parent is the best thing you'll ever do.

Nice to read such a positive post Bluntness!

I'm in both camps.
DD was awful..didn't sleep,didn't eat,didn't talk. Some days on that facebook memories thing i have posts showing from 5 years ago at 2,3 am. It was shit,it was relentless and nothings fucking worked. And if it did ,it was only for a little while and then I had a meltdown because "i broke the baby". No one fucking believed me. OH doesn't remember any of it.

She sleeps amazingly now, still rather fussy but eats well enough and is in top group in everything. She's sweet, sociable ,funny,polite and kind. She's empathetic and understands when one of us is poorly or having a good day. She's considerate. Pretty awesome if I'm honest even if she still can be a pain in the butt cause she's a child after all.

When friends brag how awesome their kids are and how well they're doing...I cheer and celebrate and I'm happy for them.

When they are worried that something might be hard i root for them,fingers crossed and try to reassure them.

When they moan about how shit their kids are I commiserate,reassure them their feelings are normal and that I've been there..I get it.

What happens to them or their kids doesn't change who my kid is or was. Who my kid is or was doesn't change their or their kid's achievements,struggles or worries.
Not everything is about you.

When I had a young child I was secretly living in a very unhappy and very abusive relationship. I found parenting easy but at some baby groups or meet ups I went to I found people complaining about how difficult being a parent was. I didn't feel I could tell them I didn't find it hard. I didn't have an easy child by any means but I felt it was what I had signed up for.

I hear loads of positivity online and irl, but also mixed with advice needed type stuff

Definitely not all gloom and hardship

Because in the UK we don't like people who are smug - or even particularly good at things

Because whether you have "easy" kids or "difficult" kids is largely a lottery. Even the best parent in the world would struggle with some children; the worst parent in the world could cope with some children.

Because very few people get all the way from birth to 18 without having some kind of hiccup - we had a lovely baby, easy going toddler, charming tween....and now have a sullen, forgetful and failing at school teen. Parenting DS was pretty darn easy and completely lovely until 6 months ago

Because saying that you don't find something hard implies that people who do find it hard are incompetent / not doing it properly / not trying. Whether that's driving a car, learning French or raising a child. No-one who is struggling likes to hear someone trill that it's so straightforward for them

If you tell people it was easy- you're looked upon as being smug, or naive, or lying. I only have one- not through choice- so looked down on as I don't know how hard it is with more than one (granted) loved mat leave- had a ball and an easy baby with no issues. Now have a very easy six year old who doesn't get overwhelmed or tantrum about anything/ and accept this may change as she gets older/hormonal, but it's not bragging- it's juts our life. Parenting seems to be a race to the bottom sometimes. I know it's bloody hard for some people- but saying that's not been your experience isn't bragging, it's juts talking. However it doesn't seem to be as acceptable.

Can I ask, genuinely, those who find it easy or enjoy it... what’s your secret?

I don’t not enjoy it, actually I like lots of things about it and I love my kids. To me though, parenting is absolutely constant self doubt, confusion over the right thing to do, struggling with disclipline and the knowledge that whatever you do is not good enough. Plus the ongoing tiredness and mess. Of course it’s worth it, but those who genuinely don’t feel this... how? Are your children naturally placid. Mine don’t tire easily!

I also wouldn't and don't minimise anyone else's feelings or issues when they are having a tougher time- and certainly don't then use those conversations to compare how lucky I've been so far. That would suck.

Ye I do agree to be honest. Once I'd gotten over the initial trauma and shock of losing my freedom forever, and when DS started sleeping well (early on), it was pretty enjoyable and easy, except for a few isolated days and nights due to teeth. I certainly felt guilty for being so well rested haha.

DS is 3 now and noticeably more challenging. But I think it's because he has set the bar so high with how easy he was up until 2.8. He's still an easy child and I certainly don't feel like I don't get 2 mins peace or need a drink to get through!

I'm expecting DS2 in a few weeks though, I'm preparing myself for a feral nightmare of a child...!

what’s your secret?

Have a more or less well-behaved child who makes being with them an absolute pleasure

(Which is not just about parenting, it's so much about luck!)

I also wouldn't and don't minimise anyone else's feelings or issues when they are having a tougher time- and certainly don't then use those conversations to compare how lucky I've been so far

But no one is suggesting that, not even thr op. Clearly if someone is saying they are struggling you don't sit and crow that you're not, and that's about anything. Not just parenthood.

I feared as much Olennas . I agree, I think so much is luck.

You can know that you are good at it and it be hard work. Some children do require a lot of input - ask those who work with children.

Friends in RL categorically love parenting; but media really makes it seem like shit. I just had my first, and am surprised at how not shit it is! In fact, it’s pretty great! I’ve only just begun though...

Tbh I think I absorbed too much about the unrelenting horror of parenthood. It’s probably exaggerated for comic effect or something

Bluntness, to me the issue is that parenting takes over your whole life and many, many parents struggle. So, to me, there is never a time you should be saying it is easy unless you are sure you are in the appropriate place to do so (eg a room full of people who also find it easy!).

I once went for a play date with a mum who I didn’t know well who spent the whole time telling me how easy she found her (one) child (who liked to go to bed early and sleep late) and how she was so blessed. It was completely draining. Our kids are still friends but we will never be!

It's just bloggers and instagrammers (and celebrities without much work) jumping on a bandwagon.

The number of guest posts I've read on Mumsnet with a title like "Why is it such a taboo to talk about the difficulties of motherhood?" probably tops 100!

Those of us who enjoy it most of the time probably don't feel inclined to speak up!

Because its hard to pull off without appearing patronising and smug.

I actually found it the opposite. When I first became a mum, I felt as if I'd walked onto the set of Stepford. I had a baby who woke throughout the night until 18 months and screamed through all the baby groups. I also had zero support network.

I was surrounded by cheerleader parents with perfect homes, hands -on grandparents and their children only cried when they were supposed to. I felt like a guest on Supernanny and spent the first 3 years frazzled and tearful.

I am glad of the 'parenting is hard' blogs and wino mummy social media groups. Bring it on. I really needed to be with people like that.

If you find it easy, you don't need the reassurance that you are not alone or are doing it right because you haven't lost your confidence, don't need support or advice.

At best, you sound irritated but the idea you are attacking is a lifeline for many parents and you would better off thinking 'there for the grace of God...' Now that would be more positivity