Things i swore I'd never do before having a child...

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... and then life laughed in my face and mocked me

EXPECTATION - baby stage
I would not be that parent who takes an hour to get out of the house with the baby. After all, how hard can it be....

REALITY
get ready,.... Nappy change.... perfect, no he's hungry.... let's go! Baby vomit.... change... crying for unknown reasons... have lost the keys ... find them in changing bag... etc

EXPECTATION - toddler and up stage
I promised i would never shout at my darling precious baby boy. I would remove myself from that situation,calm down and try again. No need to raise my voice or get stern...
REALITY
I lost my shit many times - and have go the "MUM MEANS BUSINESS" voice down to a tee.

EXPECTATION - teenage years
Their bedroom will be clean and tidy sanctuary from modern life
REALITY
A shit hole with clothes FUCKING EVERYWHERE

care to share?

I thought I would never have the DC in my bed, maybe unless they were ill

I thought I would be really chill about leaving them, would get a babysitter and rock on out without a backwards glance from no age. Er nope.

I wouldn’t become someone who doesn’t go out after 7pm because of baby’s bedtime (unless I have a babysitter)

Oh god all the things -
No dummies
No screen time unless it was educational and I was watching it with them and talking to them about it
I’d do all the messy crafts and baking every week
They’d only eat organic homemade food
I’d never shout at them

Basically before I had kids I’d be Mary Poppins, now I have 4 of the fuckers I’m more Marge Simpson

EXPECTATION. I won't use sweets as a bribery for good behaviour.

REALITY

Mainlining haribo

Never shout, or make them do housework, I mean treated like a slave as a teenager,,, or so I thought.
Mine do far less than I did and moan like I am cutting their arms off...
It just flows over my head, I don't do it and just look at them in shock and ask what did the tidy fairy not come today.
You can only guilt me if I am guilt.....

@DonaldDucksTowel 👏🏻

I genuinely just snorted hot tea! Fantastic and just the sort of cheer up I needed today!

My 2 are doing my head in!

I wouldn't stop wearing make up and having regular cut/colours manicures because how long does it take really and me time is important...,

My 4yo whinged about tidying up her duplo yesterday. She said "tidying is BORING." She didn't know what to say when I agreed that tidying is totally boring (hence why she is tidying her own toys not me).

That id never use the TV to occupy them - limit it dramatically.
Peppa pig has babysat for me a few times while i get shit done.

That I'd be fine with people holding my babies and babysitters. In reality I want everyone to stay away from them lol.

That I would never about. I didn't think about a massive toddler trying to leapfrog over you every time you bent down when I said that.

I always thought I'd smack my children if they were naughty, but the thought of it appeals me now and I could never do it!

I said I'd never have a Baby on Board sign. Couldn't see the point.
DGC is due soon and I have bought...a Baby on Board sign.
In my defence it is a horse one from Boots, and DD is very into horses...

won't ever drive one of those fugly minivans

That I would be back at work six months after having DS.

Six years later and I still can’t leave PFB.

@EmmaJR1 hot tea ? Do you really have children ?

Buy Barbie dolls.

Go to the pantomime.

oh my SIL said "no plastic tat"
now we go round hers and it's like a shrine to the god of plastic tat

Said I’d never go to a soft play place

10 mins TV a day

They’d never sleep in our bed

I thought I’d never be one of those women whose main identity was X’s mum.

Ha ha ha ha haaaa

Life has a sarcastic sense of humour!

Presume right of way while pushing a pram.

Be cautious with other people's ankles while pushing a pram.

M

@thegrassisgreenifyouusefilters 😂😂😂
One was strapped in the high chair eating crisps the other one was occupied with the dogs tail. I was taking advantage!

I would never let my DC eat in my car.

I would never drive a minivan/people carrier.

I do both.

I still hate both.

I’d never use the word no
I would be calm, firm but gentle and never resort to raising my voice
My children would eat organic, nutritious, home cooked food and never, ever cross the threshold of a MacDonalds.

@DonaldDucksTowel I looked down my nose at Mary Poppins and now I make the mother from Malcolm in the Middle look calm

Said I would definitely avoid the hospital. My son can’t stay away from the hospital. We have had a lot of medical appointments and therapy sessions as well since I gave birth to them. Additionally I am currently looking at a wheelchair accessible vehicle. On the way to one appointment last summer I had to quickly have something to eat beforehand. I’m also the forgetful parent who forgets to ask important questions and cancel appointments.

Oh all kinds of crap.

That they would only watch Attenborough

That my child would never kick off in public because I just wouldn't allow it

My child would fit in with my lifestyle

Meal times would never be an issue. If they didn't eat, they could go to bed hungry

I'm sure there are more, but it's all so laughable and utterly ridiculous.

Thought I wouldn’t breastfeed. I’m not getting my boobs out in Costa.

Nearly 3 years later still feeding and tandem feeding for over a year