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Things i swore I'd never do before having a child...

38 replies

00100001 · 17/01/2019 12:39

... and then life laughed in my face and mocked me

EXPECTATION - baby stage
I would not be that parent who takes an hour to get out of the house with the baby. After all, how hard can it be....

REALITY
get ready,.... Nappy change.... perfect, no he's hungry.... let's go! Baby vomit.... change... crying for unknown reasons... have lost the keys ... find them in changing bag... etc

EXPECTATION - toddler and up stage
I promised i would never shout at my darling precious baby boy. I would remove myself from that situation,calm down and try again. No need to raise my voice or get stern...
REALITY
I lost my shit many times - and have go the "MUM MEANS BUSINESS" voice down to a tee.

EXPECTATION - teenage years
Their bedroom will be clean and tidy sanctuary from modern life
REALITY
A shit hole with clothes FUCKING EVERYWHERE

care to share?
Grin

OP posts:
DuffBeer · 17/01/2019 17:06

Oh I also swore that I would never co sleep. No, the baby would go into its own bed and that was that.

We co slept for about a year!

Donkeydoodles · 17/01/2019 17:46

I used to look down on people who let their kids watch the iPad while out for dinner.
Now I’ll do anything to be able to eat my food and drink my wine in peace!

Graphista · 17/01/2019 18:13

Started even with the birth!

I'd have a natural, but realistic approach to birth & pain relief millions of women have children every day after all...

Had also planned to have a big family at least 4.

REALITY

had to be induced, 28 hr labour (admittedly no pain relief for most of it) but ended in emcs as dd in distress, my heart went wonky and they nearly lost us both. Epidural for cs so dds dad was there, but I was in and out of consciousness and it wasn't until a few weeks later when a tearful then husband said how scary it was, that he had a couple of moments where he was terrified he'd be phoning my parents to say he'd lost us both, so much so that he'd "prepped" my parents by telling them things were "serious", so much so that when he did call to say "all fine although baby in scbu" he forgot to say & mum forgot to ask if boy or girl.

Due to what happened I was 'strongly advised' not to risk another pregnancy as it would be potentially fatal. I think in this day and age we forget pregnancy and birth is still risky and mothers do still die from (thankfully rare) complications even with the best medical care available.

EXPECTATION - baby stage

I was going to be a relaxed, routine free mum, not stress about nap times & feed times

REALITY

A baby that NEEDED routine and who not only was out of sorts but became quite overwrought even poorly if it wasn't stuck to.

EXPECTATION
I was going to bf for at least a year, longer if dd wanted to.

REALITY

A medical issue meant my milk dried literally instantly one day. Cue an awful night (actually only 4 hours but felt longer!) of a very hungry baby and then a mad dash to supermarket (think we were there half hour before it opened!) to get bottles, formula etc, then took several goes to find a formula she didn't instantly throw up! Also had problems with nipples.

EXPECTATION - Toddler stage

Like op I would remain calm, remove dd or I or both from the situation, go for a walk etc

REALITY - once had a 3 hour argument about bedtime with a 2 year old! Both in tears by the end. With hindsight, should've just brought her downstairs or gone to bed with her. I think though I had an exam I was studying for.

EXPECTATION - primary school years

Nice little routine, dd will have stimulation and I'll get cute little school photos.

REALITY - I was a full time working Lp at this point I was knackered!! Dd mostly loved school but had some issues with bullying, also she couldn't stay neat & tidy if her life depended on it (although to my shame I now know that this was partly down to her at that point undx disability). There's one photo where she literally has one pigtail in and one out and sort of "backcombed" looking, cardigan off one shoulder and shirt untucked And that was AFTER the teacher tidied her!

EXPECTATION teens years

Expected difficulties, expected tantrums etc but also thought nice mum and dd time going shopping and teaching her how to do make up, helping with homework etc

REALITY

dealing with a desperately unhappy child who was newly dx with a disability that meant she had to give up her beloved hobbies, have orthotics and braces fitted just at the point where her appearance massively tied in with her confidence and making her 'different' at a time she just wanted to fit in, have appointments and time off school...

However also - very few subjects I had anything to help her with she was WAY ahead of me on the rest! To the point she was able to sit and pass a few exams 1-2 years early.

Motherhood hasn't been how I imagined it would be at all. Dd drives me demented at times (not least because I've made the foolish mistake of teaching her sarcasm and effective debating skills 😂)

But I'm very proud of her and excited to see what happens next.

Due to the health issues she's an only (effectively, her dads had 5 more but she so rarely sees them that they're more like cousins if that) and she says she's planning a big family herself - purely so I can look after them all 😂😂😂

Quite how that's going to work with the high flying career she has in mind and her seemingly very high standards when it comes to men I'm not sure.

"That I would be back at work six months after having DS." I have a friend who is really lovely but does EVERYTHING on a schedule, right from ttc she got frustrated very early on - cos "I've worked it all out know EXACTLY when I'm ovulating I should be pregnant by now" - 3 months ttc. When she did fall pregnant she then scheduled everything else - and that included planning to go back to work when baby was 6 weeks old, full time no muss no fuss. When she went overdue that threw her, then she had it all organised, baby had excellent childcare and she went back to work at 6 weeks... And couldn't do it. Sat in her car bawling poor love. Thankfully understanding boss agreed to rearrange and she did a phased return starting several months later.

Moominfan · 17/01/2019 18:17

He's never have a dummy, watch tv and eat spinach as a snack

londonloves · 17/01/2019 18:46

I would never do the cringey third person referring to myself as mummy thing.
I do it ALL the time now and I cringe inwardly ... I guess I could just stop but it seems to be the way to teach who's mummy/daddy etc.
Loads of other more significant stuff too about bf, working, all that too.

Ifangyow · 18/01/2019 10:08

Pregnancy.....I would be all glowing and serene.
I had bad skin, bad hair and a bad temper.

Birth.....I would calmly push baby into the world then lay back on my pillows with new born in arms while DH cried with joy.
Reality.....I pushed, shoved, screamed and ended up a bloody, sweaty mess while my DH frantically mopped my brow and got told to fuck off more than once.

Baby's here.......I would graciously receive visitors with perfect hair and light make up. Baby would be peacefully asleep and the house would be immaculate.
Reality......My hair looked like a bird's nest, I didn't even know where my make up was, let alone have the energy to apply it, baby enjoyed expanding lungs too much to be peaceful and the house looked like a bomb had gone off.

School age......Would only allowed educational reading material and healthy home made food.
Reality......Used to shove a comic at them while preparing spaghetti hoops on toast.

Teens.....Son would be clean and tidy, would have meaningful conversations and would willingly help round the house.
Reality......Lived like a tramp in a skip called a bedroom, grunted and spoke in none syllables, looked like he had been told he had an hour left to live if asked to help with chores.

Daughter .......Would be a ballerina or similar.
Reality......Hah, she sounds like a clog wearing hippo!

Topseyt · 18/01/2019 13:38

Most of these, I have to say.

I was never going to let the TV ever be my babysitter. In reality, there were many times when Teletubbies (the go-to children's TV show when mine were small) or Thomas the Tank Engine allowed me to get on with something or just to have a quiet cup of coffee that was still hot, or even just to nip to the toilet without an audience.

nos123 · 18/01/2019 14:12

I absolutely loved Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank as a child and fully expect to use them as a babysitter for my son...who is only 5 weeks Grin

JorahMormontsFutureWife · 19/01/2019 01:36

Mine was with birth initially. I planned to have every drug offered as I'm a total wuss. I sometimes cry if I have a headache or bang my toe. Anyway with ds birth I did have everything and ended up with him being evicted via Ventouse. He was back to back, I was in sloooooow labour for four fucking days and it was agony. And I did cry.
Dd arrived nearly 2 years later (10 days shy of ds birthday) and though I had planned on having all the drugs again I decided to see if I could go longer before asking for an epidural. The mw examined me 40 mins earlier and I was 3cm. She told me that dd wouldnt be birn that day and certainly not by the end of her shift in 5 hours. My body just randomly decided to get her out and started pushing involuntarily. The mw was nowhere to be seen so dh went to find her. I was on my own when the head started crowning and I was panicking and screaming. Dh came back and froze. He didnt know what to do. The mw came in took one look.and said SHIT! I then demanded an epidural. She laughed and said the head was about to be born. The cord was wrapped around dd's neck and she had to cut it before the next contraction. When that came dd shot out speedily. My mum sauntered in carrying magazines, books and food as she thought it was going to be hours and hours like ds. The pain from that birth was horrific but I was surprised that I managed to get through it without anything but gas and air. I apologised for screaming that I wanted an epidural at the mw and she said most women scream that. Even the dad's Grin

Also before having babies I decided that no child of mine would be allowed to tantrum or scream in public. Yeah okHmm I remember in Sainsbury's seeing this little boy lying on the floor screeching and flailing about having the most epic hissy fit ever. The mother was stood.about 20 feet away completely ignoring him and perusing shampoo labels. In my mind she was being neglectful and lazy. When faced with such a situation myself I felt so angry and ashamed to have been so judgemental. Mind you at least I kept my misgivings to myself. Other shoppers witnessing dd's meltdown were staring and making comments as dh picked her up and took her outside. They didn't realise I was her mum and tried to include me in their scorn. About 2 minutes later dh rang me to say she had calmed down and my replies made it obvious who the screaming child belonged to. The transaction was completed quietly and red faced after that.Blush

cushioncuddle · 19/01/2019 07:42

Never let my children have toy weapons.

Medieval swords , wands , ray guns , super soakers , foam pellet shooting guns , light sabres his collection needed an armoury !

Sassenach85 · 19/01/2019 08:10

Good god, everything! Everything a judgemental smug child less cow would say! I'm so ashamed but completely and utterly reformed. Don't want to get too deep but I am genuinely a different person.

But yeah, the usual. Tv, dummies, food, tantrums! I'm due my second child soon and the freedom from my own ridiculous expectations is so amazing! New motto!! I can and will do whatever it takes to survive because my best is good enough and anybody judging can jog on Grin

countrybunny · 19/01/2019 08:12

No dummy
I would never given them a pouch of baby food
No sleeping in my bed

DappledThings · 19/01/2019 09:49

I wouldn't sniff my children's bums in public to check for poo.

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