My brother is transgender

[NCofc]

Obviously I've name changed for this one!

This is a long one, sorry!

My much younger brother is 20 and is at university. There's always been something different about him. The social skills weren't really there, he faced a little bit of bullying (which was quickly resolved) but was fairly popular before he set off for uni. I believe that his primary school had flagged up the possibility of Aspergers, but nothing was really done about assessments etc.

I'd always suspected that he was gay, but I have never cared. I just wanted him to be happy and who he's attracted to is, quite frankly, none of my business. I have plenty of brilliant, successful friends who just happen to be gay. Not a problem whatsoever.

However, for the last year or so, he's become very reclusive. Despite only being an hour away at uni (easy bus route and always offered a lift) he has very rarely come to visit family and when he does, refuses to stay the night. He always says that he's got a lot of work to do (in an almost sarcastic/condescending way...) which we have always accepted. It was just concerning that he was always in such a rush to head off. He seemed unhappy to be at my parents' house. All very awkward and he was quick to snap. Almost felt as though we were all walking on egg shells.

He came for Christmas for a total of 48 hrs and didn't bring anyone anything. The cost is irrelevant. My parents were hurt that he didn't even write out a card. His excuse was that he 'hasn't got any money' (again, in a sarcastic way). Despite my parents and me giving him money monthly as his student loan was fairly low. We've ensured that he's got rent/food/essentials covered. He bought an actual computer in the summer which was custom built.

Everyone was becoming quite concerned about his behaviour. He's been barely contactable and when we've managed to get into contact, it'd always been one-word answers and conversations are forced. We were just worried about his welfare more than anything else. I, along with my folks, have suggested that we'd come and see him but he's said that no one is to visit his uni city. Obviously alarm bells were ringing at that point!

I received a call last week from him. He never calls me, so I was worried straightaway. He comes out with saying that he's transgender. I'm obviously shocked at this. He then says that he's been seeing various counsellors and that he's been living as a female whilst at uni.

He's now on a waiting list for hormone therapy and doesn't know how long that'll be.

My main concern is that he doesn't know the severity of what he's doing. Hormones are a big deal. He'll eventually become infertile. He seems so blasé about it all. As though this really isn't a big deal. He refuses to answer any more questions and my parents are confused and worried.

What can we do? I know that he's technically an adult now and I respect that he wants and deserves privacy. Should we just accept this and leave him to it? I want him to be happy, I don't care otherwise.

I preface this by saying I hope this is real, and not a TRA fishing for screen-grabs.

If it is in fact real, I think the only thing you can do right now is to try to keep the lines of communication open with him. Whatever his gender or sexuality, he is clearly in a lot of mental anguish at the moment.

As someone who I actively campaigning for women's rights and opposing the self ID thing - I am still.of the opinion that if people want to take life changing drugs/ dress up and change their name then I guess that's their prerogative. He's an adult. As long as he's not doing this to "become an actual woman" (which is obviously impossible) then crack on. I would judge it to be a mistake and probably a bit unsavoury but accept that his views are different.

I agree. I do believe that he will never become an actual woman.

I'm of the belief that you can change your gender, but sex is biology. He will always be male, even if he presents as female.

My views won't change. I'm just worried about him.

Your sibling isn't technically and adult.

Your sibling is an adult.

They will have done their research, it sounds like this has been going on a long time now.

Your choices are be supportive and talk lots, or lose your sibling relationship.

I had a brother who got massively into drugs at that age and was so worried about him I rang a helpline. They told me that there was nothing I could do to help him. He's an adult, he has to make his own decisions about his own body. We can only learn and grow from making our own choices and mistakes.

If he messes up, just be there to support him if necessary.

If he becomes infertile I think there are way too many people on this earth now anyway. I don't think the government is minded to stop people inflicting infertility upon themselves.

I don't think you can really do anything other than be there to listen. You don't have to necessarily agree with what he's doing but don't say anything against it.

It sounds like he's had mental health issues for a while, possibly Aspergers where a big symptom is a feeling of lack of identity.

Changing his gender physically won't change who he is deep down and the depression and Aspergers will still be there. You just hope that the counselling covers that and he's getting the right support at Uni.

He sounds a bit troubled and this is just the latest manifestation. I strongly believe some people who don't feel comfortable in their own skin think turning their whole identity upside down will give them a stab at a better life. I'd offer emotional support but wouldn't encourage him in practically pursuing it.

I'm a fair bit older and my parents are getting on a bit. They didn't know what transgenderism really was until he explained.

I have my own DC, but I'd always viewed him as one of my own, too. He's lived with me throughout his life. We used to be very close.

It's just tough. He says he's happy and that he's got a good support network around him. He protests that he's a very private person and this isn't anyone else's business.

Do I just have to let him make his own decisions and be there in the background in case it all goes wrong?

I think you do.

I did have a client come to see me recently who wanted to change his name back to that of a man.

He said that he had become part of a scene 15 years ago and felt he was pressurised into living as a woman by his then partner. He changed all his documents, took hormones but fortunately never had any surgery.

When the relationship ended, and he had to come off the hormones for medical reasons, he felt like he'd been living a lie all that time.

He had definite mental health issues as well. Maybe those with such issues are more easily led.

Ultimately you have to let people live their own lives, no matter if you think they are making a mistake, and just be there for them.

Do I just have to let him make his own decisions and be there in the background in case it all goes wrong?

Yep. What else can you do, really? Any other course of action would only estrange you further.

Agree with pp, you have to stand by and let him do this, but be ready for the fallout.

I would bet a large sum of money on the fact he is spending a LOT of time online in certain communities who are (essentially) brainwashing him. So in that regard, the only thing I could suggest is to try and suggest alternative outlets for his time. Whether that is a different online hobby or something in real life - you know him best as to what would flick his interest switch.

@CallMeSirShotsFired he refuses to talk about hobbies or even how uni's going in general. I ask what he's been up to and he says that he'd 'rather not discuss it' and when pressed on it, he simply says that he's a private person and doesn't want to discuss anything (this was before last week's revelations!)

He's not grateful for anything, doesn't seem to care about anyone's views either. He seems to think that he doesn't need anyone, but doesn't care that we're all pitching in so that he could get a good education.

She is trans and probably avoiding you because she could have predicted your reaction.

I get that your concern for him over-rides everything else, you sound like a lovely older sister.
Do you think he would be up for a meeting with you on neutral territory?
Ask him if he’d like to meet to tell you about his new life, say that you’re interested and supportive and you’d love to know how he’s getting on.

I'm considering steering my kids away from Uni into apprenticeships actually for this very reason. They are away from home, very vulnerable and easily led. The worst things happened to me at Uni.

Actually my eldest is very scientific and strong so he will be fine. My middle child is sensitive and possibly gay and very suggestable.

I can see how irritating it would be for you if you are funding all this to have him behave like this.

So he's living as a female at uni and as a male when he visits home?

I wonder if he has gotten involved in an online community to be honest especially if he hasnt shown any sign of wanting to be female before. He sounds very troubled.

Really MorningsEleven? Nowhere does the OP say that he has asked to be addressed as she. Bit presumptuous of you, don't you think? and very unhelpful

If you're transitioning and seeking cross sex hormones then generally you change your pronouns. Maybe educate yourself a bit.

There is no need to be so rude. The OPs brother hasn't mentioned pronouns so there is no point in us arguing about it.

Morning that is compelled speech. Neither you nor the OP's brother can force another person to do that. Educate yourself, why don't you. It is illegal to force someone else to express a belief they do not personally hold.

OP, agree with others on here, but I would be very concerned (though nothing you can do about it, really) that he has been sucked into almost being groomed (though he's an adult) - the lack of communication etc i find very worrying - like he's been told to back away from his family. I'll say the word - cult.

Keep all lines of communication open.

Do I just have to let him make his own decisions and be there in the background in case it all goes wrong?

Yes to the first bit; the second bit is up to you...

Your brother is old enough to know his own mind and through his counselling has presumably discussed all the ins and outs (as it were ). This is news to you, but it's not for him.

To be honest you sound very anti (with a bit of concern thrown in) though perhaps it's just a surprise. She's still the same person really, whatever gender she is.

Mornings -You said it yourself "generally". Not always. So unless you know the person personally, maybe educate yourself and refrain from criticising the OP for asking for help.

menstruatorextrordinaire

I'm considering steering my kids away from Uni into apprenticeships actually for this very reason. They are away from home, very vulnerable and easily led. The worst things happened to me at Uni

does this not sound even a little bit bonkers to you? no uni for your children in case they catch being transgender?

christ.

Many of us do indeed know that transgender people may change their pronouns and we would of course be polite and do as they wished but for now we’re following the lead given by the OP, who refers to her brother and ‘he’ — because we’re trying to be, ya know, polite.
Maybe you could try it too.