My brother is transgender

[NCofc]

Obviously I've name changed for this one!

This is a long one, sorry!

My much younger brother is 20 and is at university. There's always been something different about him. The social skills weren't really there, he faced a little bit of bullying (which was quickly resolved) but was fairly popular before he set off for uni. I believe that his primary school had flagged up the possibility of Aspergers, but nothing was really done about assessments etc.

I'd always suspected that he was gay, but I have never cared. I just wanted him to be happy and who he's attracted to is, quite frankly, none of my business. I have plenty of brilliant, successful friends who just happen to be gay. Not a problem whatsoever.

However, for the last year or so, he's become very reclusive. Despite only being an hour away at uni (easy bus route and always offered a lift) he has very rarely come to visit family and when he does, refuses to stay the night. He always says that he's got a lot of work to do (in an almost sarcastic/condescending way...) which we have always accepted. It was just concerning that he was always in such a rush to head off. He seemed unhappy to be at my parents' house. All very awkward and he was quick to snap. Almost felt as though we were all walking on egg shells.

He came for Christmas for a total of 48 hrs and didn't bring anyone anything. The cost is irrelevant. My parents were hurt that he didn't even write out a card. His excuse was that he 'hasn't got any money' (again, in a sarcastic way). Despite my parents and me giving him money monthly as his student loan was fairly low. We've ensured that he's got rent/food/essentials covered. He bought an actual computer in the summer which was custom built.

Everyone was becoming quite concerned about his behaviour. He's been barely contactable and when we've managed to get into contact, it'd always been one-word answers and conversations are forced. We were just worried about his welfare more than anything else. I, along with my folks, have suggested that we'd come and see him but he's said that no one is to visit his uni city. Obviously alarm bells were ringing at that point!

I received a call last week from him. He never calls me, so I was worried straightaway. He comes out with saying that he's transgender. I'm obviously shocked at this. He then says that he's been seeing various counsellors and that he's been living as a female whilst at uni.

He's now on a waiting list for hormone therapy and doesn't know how long that'll be.

My main concern is that he doesn't know the severity of what he's doing. Hormones are a big deal. He'll eventually become infertile. He seems so blasé about it all. As though this really isn't a big deal. He refuses to answer any more questions and my parents are confused and worried.

What can we do? I know that he's technically an adult now and I respect that he wants and deserves privacy. Should we just accept this and leave him to it? I want him to be happy, I don't care otherwise.

I would want to know how his studies are going- whatever gender he ends up he needs a decent job and income. I don't think there is much you can do, I doubt there is any support person in the uni who would be willing to talk to you.
Just tell him you would love to see more of him whatever gender.

That's what's worrying, if this person has deep seated issues and wanting to be a woman is just how it's being expressed then surely transition won't solve them.

but statistically speaking it's highly likely that there's something else going on which this could be masking. Or are you saying that 10% is equal to 90%?

I said she should keep all lines of communication open. She also could keep her eyes and ears open.

rivertam I understand how maths works and I think we are broadly agreeing but I think it’s unfair to jump to conclusions about anyone’s metal health based on stats that are a) estimated and b) have a large range

*or indeed conclusions about mental health

The suggestion of girly shopping trips says it all. How is that connected to the OP’s brother’s feeling that he is transgender?

I would want to know how his studies are going

Prediction: not well.

First year: didn't make friends, just about kept up.

Second year: struggling as the work gets harder, still isolated, has fallen in with online "communities".

Those who were at universities perhaps twenty or thirty years ago will remember how the nuttier end of the CU enfolded students who were struggling and made them their bestest friends. That just cost them some evenings and some awkward singing. Now...

They say that they've been dressing femininely whilst living there. I've looked online and it's said that trans people have to live as their chosen gender for a year prior to any treatment, but they were home over summer (May - Sept) and was dressing like they did before.

It's far easier to present as the opposite sex in the safe bubble of university life than it is at home, in your home town or out in the wider world. At work, for example.

So he is not really 'living as a woman' (whatever that means) yet. He is most probably experimenting in the privacy of his room and the safety of his small friendship group.

I reckon your sister didn't tell her family because she was worried about exactly this response. A friend of mine is going through transition at the moment and has had this exactly - her mother says this isn't the child she knew, it's just a MH thing etc. It's put a massive amount of extra pressure on her and her wife which they didn't need and I think she has mostly cut contact now.

Ok. I was deleted fine! Here's the website with all the evidence you asked for. www.gires.org.uk

Dalia OP hasn't said any of that. Her parents didn't know what transgender was, had never heard of it and OP doesn't care what gender her sibling is.

What response do you think they are worried about? All OP has done is express concern for their wellbeing.

As trans young people’s sense of self develops, sometimes in an emotionally unsupportive
environment, trans young people’s fear of rejection from family, peers and society can creates
a sense of ‘otherness’. This can leave trans young people particularly vulnerable to depression
and suicidal thoughts.
One study in the UK found that 34.4% of trans adults had attempted suicide at least once and
almost 14% of trans adults had attempted suicide more than twice.4
This higher risk of suicide
is related to experiences of discrimination, including stigma, transphobia and bullying. These
negative experiences occur in many trans individuals’ everyday lives, whether at home, work or school. This stigma and discrimination, and the fear of it happening, can make individuals in
this situation feel unable to reach out for help when they need it.
www.gires.org.uk/information-for-medical-professionals/

And for slightly less goady take on these stats, look at the actual methodology and facts behind them: fairplayforwomen.com/suicide/

Regarding the higher risk of suicide. There is a lot more reading around this. Generally, people suffering from mental health disorders, including depression are at higher risk. Even if they are not trans.

Many trans people already have mental health problems before, during or after transition. There is no measurement of whether these problems are caused by being trans or whether they would have existed anyway.

No long term studies have been done. No-one knows the long term effects of attempts to 'change sex' by hormones, surgery, clothes and makeup.

We do know that it is not possible for humans to actually change sex so although transitioning may seem like the answer when you are a troubled 20 year old, it is obviously not going to make all their problems go away and may (or may not) affect their mental health in a more negative way as the years go by.

That's why suicide stats are not the way to go when talking to relatives of trans people. It's also not fair to blame anyone when another person sadly takes their own life.

This must be a real shock to you. I don't know what the 'right' answer is, but presumably they are the same person inside, still your sibling, and still needs your love and support.

Getting hormone treatment I presume is not going to be a simple process, as long as she's not trying to self-medicate by illegally purchasing unlicensed hormones online. From what I understand, some of those drugs can cause other damage to the liver and kidneys, and she should be discouraged from going down that route.

I think I'd ask how she would like you to address her - does she want to be a she or still a hew to you? Does she have a different name she'd prefer you to use? She may find it difficult visiting the family home where there will be reminders of his male self - perhaps ask her if there is anything that you could do to make the visits easier (it may even be something like changing family photos).

She may appreciate you suggesting whether she'd like any advice with feminine dressing or make-up from you, or she may feel she's got that side of it covered, or not quite ready for you to see that side yet.

Although it may not be a permanent decision, it may well be, and I think you have to be open-minded and supportive in order to make the process (whatever its outcome) as pain-free as possible.

exactly. So can we stop talking about them on a thread where it's not even clear that the OP's brother has body/sex dysphoria.

It's bullying and blackmailing, simple as that.

I reckon your sister didn't tell her family because she was worried about exactly this response

Why are you calling him OP's sister when OP has called him her brother and there is absolutely nothing to suggest either of them are viewing him as a sister? Why would you do that based on the limited information we have?

It is interesting to see how the script gets written for the OP that her brother has gender dysphoria (the OP has not suggested this), that her brother is now her sister and certain pronouns must be used (the OP has not suggested the pronouns have been requested), and that not going along with the script means there's a risk the OP's sibling will commit suicide.

One thing you can bear in mind OP. Just because your brother is going through this difficult time doesn't mean that their feelings are the only ones that count and everyone else's must be quashed for fear of not going along with the script.

It is interesting to see how the script gets written

"I am middle class, able-bodied, white and in higher education, BUT MY PAIN IS REAL AND I AM OPPRESSED".

A generation or two ago you could get a rise out of your parents, born 1910-ish, by returning from your first year at university as an atheist, a communist or a homosexual, all of which (in 1960) just meant wearing a polo neck sweater and smoking rollups. Squares think it's just a noise, but the kids love that jazz beat. The signifiers of youth rebellion were pretty easy from then on: hair, music, politics. clothes.

But If your parents were born 1965-ish and went to university themselves, then none of those have the shock value they did. If you're middle class there's a strong chance your parents are, or have been, to your left, are still going to noisy concerts, lived together before marrying if they married, have had sex with multiple partners (possibly at the same time, and possibly not all of the same sex), have taken one or more illegal drugs and and have generally lived it up pretty well.

How do you throw off the shackles of your bourgeois upbringing, deny your part in the patriarchy capitalist hegemony and generally show you're a free thinking young radical in the face of parents who are, in general, either unshockable or at worst likely to roll their eyes and say "well, in our day we were a bit more discreet"?

Well, now we know the answer.

very true!

Good analysis, Reflection

It's so tough to know what to do. They're just so closed off. I don't think they realise how much this will affect everyone. It's not just their life that will change and I believe that they need to be more open to everyone, so that we can support them better. They'll be a time when my DC will have questions, also.

I've been told by my parents that when they rang them, they told them that they have gender dysphoria. Not that they've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Although I do know that they've been to the Drs and counsellors, so this is all blurry... no one really knows. I think we were all just in so much shock that we haven't divulged deeper yet. We're all a bit scared of rocking the boat and causing offence.

I asked if they wore make up and they said 'that's far too personal!' and went mad at my DM when she asked if they'd like to go clothes shopping. So, I guess that's a no go!

I was also worrying about them buying dodgy hormones on the internet.

@ReflectentMonatomism, I do agree. We're pretty much fitting the bill for that one.

I'm worried about ringing and bombarding with questions. They explode when asked too many 'personal' questions. I feel uneasy asking anything at all. It's like we're meant to just carry on with our lives and not be allowed to know anything. We're all just trying to help. I feel like I'm annoying them by ringing and making sure that they're ok.

I will contact them tomorrow and ask about the pronoun thing. I know that they only wanted us to call them by their new name... so maybe it'll be a she/her thing, too. That'll be tough to get used to, to say the least...

The suicide stats make me worry. I've been struggling to sleep out of worry. I'm scared that if I say anything that's not right then they'll fly off the handle.

The main thing is that they're just not bothered about this. It isn't like they called crying and saying that they've really struggled and it's a relief to finally be honest etc. It's just a 'I'm transgender and I don't care whether you accept it or not.' They said that they weren't nervous and didn't care what we thought/any concerns/questions. This nasty angry attitude is very hurtful.

The main thing is that they're just not bothered about this. It isn't like they called crying and saying that they've really struggled and it's a relief to finally be honest etc. It's just a 'I'm transgender and I don't care whether you accept it or not.' They said that they weren't nervous and didn't care what we thought/any concerns/questions. This nasty angry attitude is very hurtful.

The main thing is that they're not bothered about this? You're unhappy because they don't seem upset, because they didn't cry, because they weren't nervous? I can quite see why they may not have wanted to share any of this with you until they were living away from home with the freedom to make their own choices. You remind me of the people who are OK with abortion as long as the person one getting one is upset by it.

@icannotremember sorry if it's come across that way, it was not intended.

What I meant was that their his blasé attitude worries me as it's almost like they're not understanding the severity of taking hormones. Life altering stuff isn't a big deal and doesn't matter. I'm worried about the long term. This isn't something to take lightly, surely?

The abortion thing isn't true whatsoever and was actually quite hurtful to read. I'm strongly pro choice.

I agree TOTALLY with waterplease. He sounds like he has been deeply deeply troubled and not comfortable in his own skin, for a very long time.
Hoping that this will be the answer. But invariably not. So very sad.

Worse still you can't help someone who isn't ready to listen!