My brother is transgender

[NCofc]

Obviously I've name changed for this one!

This is a long one, sorry!

My much younger brother is 20 and is at university. There's always been something different about him. The social skills weren't really there, he faced a little bit of bullying (which was quickly resolved) but was fairly popular before he set off for uni. I believe that his primary school had flagged up the possibility of Aspergers, but nothing was really done about assessments etc.

I'd always suspected that he was gay, but I have never cared. I just wanted him to be happy and who he's attracted to is, quite frankly, none of my business. I have plenty of brilliant, successful friends who just happen to be gay. Not a problem whatsoever.

However, for the last year or so, he's become very reclusive. Despite only being an hour away at uni (easy bus route and always offered a lift) he has very rarely come to visit family and when he does, refuses to stay the night. He always says that he's got a lot of work to do (in an almost sarcastic/condescending way...) which we have always accepted. It was just concerning that he was always in such a rush to head off. He seemed unhappy to be at my parents' house. All very awkward and he was quick to snap. Almost felt as though we were all walking on egg shells.

He came for Christmas for a total of 48 hrs and didn't bring anyone anything. The cost is irrelevant. My parents were hurt that he didn't even write out a card. His excuse was that he 'hasn't got any money' (again, in a sarcastic way). Despite my parents and me giving him money monthly as his student loan was fairly low. We've ensured that he's got rent/food/essentials covered. He bought an actual computer in the summer which was custom built.

Everyone was becoming quite concerned about his behaviour. He's been barely contactable and when we've managed to get into contact, it'd always been one-word answers and conversations are forced. We were just worried about his welfare more than anything else. I, along with my folks, have suggested that we'd come and see him but he's said that no one is to visit his uni city. Obviously alarm bells were ringing at that point!

I received a call last week from him. He never calls me, so I was worried straightaway. He comes out with saying that he's transgender. I'm obviously shocked at this. He then says that he's been seeing various counsellors and that he's been living as a female whilst at uni.

He's now on a waiting list for hormone therapy and doesn't know how long that'll be.

My main concern is that he doesn't know the severity of what he's doing. Hormones are a big deal. He'll eventually become infertile. He seems so blasé about it all. As though this really isn't a big deal. He refuses to answer any more questions and my parents are confused and worried.

What can we do? I know that he's technically an adult now and I respect that he wants and deserves privacy. Should we just accept this and leave him to it? I want him to be happy, I don't care otherwise.

As I wrote above, beware of people telling you what you are not entitled to feel about this OP. You may well be hearing a lot of that.

There are no reliable stats from an unbiased source on suicide so please put that right out of your head. Only those with an agenda would even mention such a thing to you. Ignore them, please.

You might find the trans widows thread on FWR helpful - obviously it's for spouses but you will be with those whose lives have been turned upside down by someone seemingly not giving a hoot about the impact of their actions and expecting everyone to just suck it up.

I actually wouldn't ask about pronouns, I think if it's important your brother will mention it, and as a PP said, there's a different between support/acceptance and encouragement. Wait and see.

I can quite see why they may not have wanted to share any of this with you until they were living away from home with the freedom to make their own choices

Or, alternatively, an isolated, unhappy, possibly failing university students, who has not made strong friendships to replace parental, school and other support networks, is making impulsive and poor choices based around having been told that their unhappiness is due to being "in the wrong body" and all they need to do is change that and all will be well.

Universities have always had a lot of people aged twenty who are in deep distress for a wide range of reasons, who find themselves between childhood and adulthood without strong support. There is support available in universities but (a) it's first aid: it's aimed at getting people to graduate, in the manner of doctors in cycle races putting people back on the bike and (b) people who need it are often not in a good place to do the work involved in accessing it, and simply retreating to their room and not coming out is horribly common (particularly in large universities with weak attendance monitoring regimes).

It's possible the OP's sibling is suffering from gender dysphoria. But given historic rates of the condition, the parsimonious hypothesis would be a depressed, isolated student without a strong support network happening on something that allows them to belong to an in ground and be loved within that group. They could just as well have happened on Scientology or the SWP, but neither are the forces they were on campus.

The aggression could come from being defensive for fear of rejection. However, if they cannot be civil with you or even, as you said in your OP, bother to get any kind of gift for their own parents at Christmas, then I would just leave them to it tbh.

Just say, ok that's fine, we'll call you by your chosen name and use your preferred pronouns. You know where I am if you need anything or want to talk. See you next time you visit. Bye.

It’s very easy to buy hormones on line, especially if you’re being funded by well meaning parents & siblings. I think around £100 for three months worth. No blood or liver function tests carried out, no counselling etc.

I think the only thing one can do as a family member is to not comment & be there for when the shit hits the fan. Adults are free to ride motorbikes, drink excessively & get facial tattoos, we may not agree with all the decisions people make but we don’t have to follow.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this OP, it’s incredibly hard and troubling for those being shut out.

What about the fact that, and I know this is harsh, but what about the fact that OP's brother is actually really unpleasant? As a pp just said?

Even if he's troubled or depressed there's no excuse for some of the things he did.

He does nothing nice. At all. His persona isn't nice.

He could have said: I'm really sorry mum, I didn't have any money at all for presents, I hope that's ok.

I don't want to engage. I just need some space.

Please I'm not ready for you to visit me at my uni place yet.

But no. He's extremely rude, unpleasant, aggressive, curt.

Op is so caring. But he gives nothing. Zero. Nada.

in an almost sarcastic/condescending way.

All very awkward and he was quick to snap. Almost felt as though we were all walking on egg shells.

didn't bring anyone anything. His excuse was that he 'hasn't got any money' (again, in a sarcastic way).

one-word answers and conversations are forced.

Well, it's a very egotistical way to behave, that's for sure.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's been really helpful.

I know this sounds terrible but I'm just so worried that he's too young to be mak

• making these decisions. Saying that, I don't want him living a life that he doesn't want and being unhappy. That worries me even more!

I've actually seen a picture online under his new name. He doesn't seem to be dressed as a woman and more as a man, but with nail vanish! A bit like Robert Smith from The Cure, Boy George (obviously a bit more modern haha!) so I'm still unsure that he really wants to transition. Maybe he's been led to believe that that's the answer to his problems.

Still very unsure. We shall see!

yes, he is. The brain doesn't finish maturing until around age 25 and unlike most bonkers things we do at uni this one can have quite horrific consequences. Fingers crossed that he's just testing the waters and again, keep communication open.

these days I'm sure the woke young things would call Robert Smith and Boy George trans, they'd call all the New Romantics trans! When actually, they were properly challenging gender stereotypes, instead of embracing them and reinforcing, which is hardly a progressive thing to do.

And of course without stereotypes there's no way a man can dress 'as a woman'.

Ideally you be able to convince him to just be himself and not to worry if he doesn't feel as masculine as other men. That it's ok to dress differently and have whatever hobbies you want. Easier said than done though.

In fact, is it worth pointing him in the direction of bands and singers like those you mention? So he can see you can be gender non-conforming (and even straight! Isn't Robert Smith married to his childhood sweetheart Mary? I always though that was so cute, went with the kittens) without having to make believe that you are the opposite sex.

What Reflectent said about teenage rebellion is so true.

DH and I often found ourselves manufacturing a bit of faux outrage/disapproval in order for the DCs to get their rebellion jollies.

"You can't possibly go out in that!", and then once they were out the door having a little chuckle about how relatively tame they were compared to us.

I think you just have to be there for your sibling OP and if that means biting your lip about choices you are concerned about then so be it. Just try and keep the lines of communication open.

sounds like he's been sucked into a cult.

Definitely will try to explain that he can dress however he likes, but doesn't yet have to go down the hormone route.

@RiverTam yep! They've been married for nearly 30 years. I believe that they got together at 14!

My parents are going to see him over the weekend. They've suggested that I come along. I suspect that there's going to be some kind of bust up, a mixture of confusion and lack of understanding of his opinions and that of my parents'.

I'd like to go, but am feeling like perhaps the 3:1 ratio will feel like a bit of a confrontation? That might make him even more defensive.

I think he's definitely part of some online community. He might have always felt this way and they're actually helping and guiding OR he's been feeling low, unsure of his sexuality, himself in general and they've almost told/convinced him that he is transgender. I suspect the latter.

hmm. I would probably go along because I fear he's not going to give a shit how your parents might feel and could upset them enormously - but I can see you don't want him to feel got at (even though it sounds like he's behaving very unreasonably).

At the very least I think he needs to know that he is a loved and supported member of the family, but that equally you are all entitled to feel utterly knocked for six and really very unsure about this in turn. He will make it all about him and his feelings, but yours and your parents' are equally valid.

I wouldn't try to reason with him at this point, just listen without committing yourself to anything you feel uncomfortable with.

Did you have a look at the trans widows threads?

That sounds reasonable. If you think this might cause a rift OP, then it might be better for communication with your brother in the future if you are not caught up in that rift.

If your brother is part of an online community and following a "difficult" visit he discusses it in the community, he may well be urged to go no-contact. When this is a possibility, it would be good to maintain any line of communication.

My parents are going to see him over the weekend. They've suggested that I come along.

That sounds like an intervention, and that you are going to be expected to agree with whatever your parents say. I'd be very careful and, even if you do decide to go, to have a pre-meeting with your parents at which you very clearly articulate where you stand. it could rapidly degenerate into "you're sick! you're hurting us! And NCofc agrees with every word we are saying!"

I don't think any of you know enough to have such a meeting, and if I had to summarise where your brother is, I'd say "having a breakdown" is more likely than "experiencing gender dysphoria". The TRAs will howl "he's depressed because he's trans!" but that's a faith-based position: "he's trans because he's depressed" is equally, if not more, likely. You don't address depression with a family intervention to yell at him.

One of you talking to your brother, and then you and your parents talking amongst yourselves without him present, sounds much more productive.

If your brother is part of an online community and following a "difficult" visit he discusses it in the community, he may well be urged to go no-contact.

"May well" can be replaced with "will almost certainly".

Do they have to visit? Didn't he say he didn't want anyone to go to his uni town? What's happened, has he changed his mind?