My brother is transgender

[NCofc]

Obviously I've name changed for this one!

This is a long one, sorry!

My much younger brother is 20 and is at university. There's always been something different about him. The social skills weren't really there, he faced a little bit of bullying (which was quickly resolved) but was fairly popular before he set off for uni. I believe that his primary school had flagged up the possibility of Aspergers, but nothing was really done about assessments etc.

I'd always suspected that he was gay, but I have never cared. I just wanted him to be happy and who he's attracted to is, quite frankly, none of my business. I have plenty of brilliant, successful friends who just happen to be gay. Not a problem whatsoever.

However, for the last year or so, he's become very reclusive. Despite only being an hour away at uni (easy bus route and always offered a lift) he has very rarely come to visit family and when he does, refuses to stay the night. He always says that he's got a lot of work to do (in an almost sarcastic/condescending way...) which we have always accepted. It was just concerning that he was always in such a rush to head off. He seemed unhappy to be at my parents' house. All very awkward and he was quick to snap. Almost felt as though we were all walking on egg shells.

He came for Christmas for a total of 48 hrs and didn't bring anyone anything. The cost is irrelevant. My parents were hurt that he didn't even write out a card. His excuse was that he 'hasn't got any money' (again, in a sarcastic way). Despite my parents and me giving him money monthly as his student loan was fairly low. We've ensured that he's got rent/food/essentials covered. He bought an actual computer in the summer which was custom built.

Everyone was becoming quite concerned about his behaviour. He's been barely contactable and when we've managed to get into contact, it'd always been one-word answers and conversations are forced. We were just worried about his welfare more than anything else. I, along with my folks, have suggested that we'd come and see him but he's said that no one is to visit his uni city. Obviously alarm bells were ringing at that point!

I received a call last week from him. He never calls me, so I was worried straightaway. He comes out with saying that he's transgender. I'm obviously shocked at this. He then says that he's been seeing various counsellors and that he's been living as a female whilst at uni.

He's now on a waiting list for hormone therapy and doesn't know how long that'll be.

My main concern is that he doesn't know the severity of what he's doing. Hormones are a big deal. He'll eventually become infertile. He seems so blasé about it all. As though this really isn't a big deal. He refuses to answer any more questions and my parents are confused and worried.

What can we do? I know that he's technically an adult now and I respect that he wants and deserves privacy. Should we just accept this and leave him to it? I want him to be happy, I don't care otherwise.

^^ for Mornings

@MorningsEleven there's been no indication of intending to change pronouns, but I'll be honest, it didn't occur to me to ask. Maybe I should have.

My reaction was that I will always be supportive and respectful.

Yes, he's been living as a female at uni. He has told uni to refer to him as his new female name, so perhaps I should refer to him as her. I'll go with they/them until I know for sure! I'm definitely not here to offend anyone.

@DisplayPurposesOnly you're so right. They're the same person, absolutely.

I'm just worried about whether or not they've really thought this through. I don't care what they are/do, I just want them to be happy.

It's all very different when it's your actual family member going through this. I've never and would never say that I disagree with it, though. It isn't my place.

I would just keep talking with him as much as he will engage. He sounds very unhappy. Is he happy living openly as a female at uni or is it just that he is locked away in his room on his own most of the time and can only 'be female' on his own/with his online community?

exwife universities are becoming absolute cesspools of repression and regression with regard to gender identity - freedom of speech and thought are not tolerated, debate must be discouraged.

First of all, please look up gires they help with all gender related issues. Secondly, untreated gender dysphoria causes suicide in many cases. If you love your sister (let's respect her choices) then be there for her, go clothes shopping with her, maybe ask if you could help in any way, such as make up etc. My Wife is Transgender and waited far too long to 'come out' because she was worried about being rejected.

@Fairenuff, I agree that is an important distinction that needs making

@Fairenuff I am unsure! They say that they've been dressing femininely whilst living there. I've looked online and it's said that trans people have to live as their chosen gender for a year prior to any treatment, but they were home over summer (May - Sept) and was dressing like they did before.

@GhostBustersFavouriteMum blimey. That's a scary concept. I want them to feel supported and loved. Must've been difficult for you initially.

I've reported Ghost's comment - it's highly irresponsible.

Shame on you, Ghost, fucking shame on you. Disgraceful.

I don't understand what's highly irresponsible about Ghostbusters comment?

Ghost is implying that if the OP and her family don't get fully on board with this then her brother could kill himself. Blaming her/them. Awful thing to post, though par for the course for TRAs.

And I would very much like to see some credible stats backing that assertion up.

I don't think Ghostbusters implied that at all.

why mention it then? If not to pressure the OP?

I really don't understand why wanting to change gender has to be automatically assumed to be a valid decision. Having worked in mental health, going away to university is often a moment of crisis for people with underlying mental health issues and this can manifest in many different ways. Yes, it might be that they have realised they are transgender but it might also be a sign of other problems. Young people are very vulnerable and susceptible to new peer groups. We do them a disservice if we just accept without trying to understand why imo. And I don't believe that it is transphobic if it is done in a way that makes it clear that transitioning is a valid option if that's what they really want. But not wanting any contact with parents or siblings when previously there was a close relationship? That rings alarm bells. OP I think you have to do your best to keep the communication channels open here.

universities are becoming absolute cesspools of repression and regression with regard to gender identity - freedom of speech and thought are not tolerated, debate must be discouraged.

In the basket weaving department, maybe. Do you think this is a hot topic amongst mechanical engineers at Imperial or physicists at Manchester? Is your local med school full of people claiming to be things they are not aside from people with two first degrees calling themselves Doctor ?

Your brother is obviously very unhappy and all you can do is listen to him and support him in whatever he chooses. He is an adult and if this is the path he wants to go down then that’s his right.
I have issues with some of the TRA political positions but don’t think all trans people should be called to account for these.

have you actually seen or read some of the shit that's coming out of unis at the moment? Seen how academics who speak out are being treated?

Why on earth does ghostbusters suggest make up and shopping trips? That is just stereotypical bullshit.

OP I would be sending your brother some critical literature.

I don't believe men and change sex.

recently indeed. I heard one psychologist estimating that between 60% and 90% of trans identifying people had co-morbid psychological issues, which go untreated because of the push to have transgenderism not regarded as a mental health issue. And autism factors more highly in the trans community than the community at large.

How presumptuous of posters to immediately tell OP she has to use 'she' and that her brother is now her sister. Mindless acceptance to the point of nonsense.

I don’t know where in the country you are, but all the NHS gender clinics in England currently have massive waiting lists, like over two years in places, before people get treatment. That’s a problem for all sorts of reasons but it does mean that, unless people can afford to go private, there’s a built-in “cooling off period”.

have you actually seen or read some of the shit that's coming out of unis at the moment?

What makes you think I'm not currently sat in a university?

Do you think the shit is coming out of the civ eng department? No. It's coming out of departments that, if they were closed down tomorrow, little of value would be lost. And those departments represent perhaps 5% of the headcount of a university, and 1% of the influence and budget.

Seen how academics who speak out are being treated?

Yes, and it's absolutely appalling. But it could be solved by closing down worthless crap departments. And that would free up resources for worthwhile subjects, so it's a win-win.

rivertam that means 10-40% dint have other mental health issues and it’s impossible to know what camp the OPs sibling falls into which is why he should be encouraged to talk about his feelings with no judgement.
He may find actually he doesn’t want to go that route after all once he’s been able to know his feelings have been heard. Refusing to accept his decision will just make him feel more alienated and make him more committed.

Hi OP
I started a thread last year about my son, who claims to be transgender.
I don't believe him. I think he's been brainwashed by the huge amount of time he's online.

Some people don't realise the difference between support and encouragement.

I have found myself in the position of not wanting to drive my son away but also not one fibre of my being thinks his life will be improved by presenting as a woman.

Its a crap position to be in

I hope your brother finds peace and acceptance