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Original poster

DS been told he'll be beaten up, school in 1 hour, what to say?

82 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 11:22

First off, don't tell me to tell the teachers. We are not in the UK. Anything that happens after the school bell rings, even if children are still on premises, is deemed to be the responsibility of the parents and the school does not want to know.

DS is 9, ASD, ADHD, Yr 2, been kept back a year because of his SN.

He came home for lunch crying. Two lads in yr 4 (9-10yrs old) have told him that they are stronger than him and tomorrow after school they are going to fight him and they followed him home.

I've told DS he is allowed to defend himself, he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to fight. He wants me to go any pick him up tomorrow. I will, but this is not a long term solution as children are expected to walk to school themselves from the second term of kindy (c. 5 years). If I do walk him he will only be mocked for being such a baby that mummy needs him to walk to school. If I don't, clearly they'll just wait until a day when I'm not there.

I know from past experience (this happened with other children last year) that the teacher's won't do anything.

I know who the two lads are and I know that they have to walk past our house to get to theirs for lunch, so they didn't go out of their way to follow him. DS does often misread situations and get offended about people following him or copying him .

I imagine kids are home for lunch right now.

What should I do?

OP posts:
localfluff · 15/01/2019 11:25

I'd pull him out of that school. Nobody should feel unsafe. Would that be an option for you?

BlueBuilding · 15/01/2019 11:26

Whole school and the school culture sounds just awful.

Do you have to send him there? He's 9, this shouldn't be his life.

Productrecall · 15/01/2019 11:31

Where are you? School grounds is school property, they are liable for incidents happening on their property. Outside school property, contact police or local equivalent if contact with parents is not going to work.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 11:35

Yes, it's a legal requirement that he goes to school.

No, school are not responsible outside of school hours, which end with the bell.

I have phone number of one boy's mum as his little sister is friends with my DD. But I've no proof anything happened and the kids aren't likely to admit to it are they?

OP posts:
Parthenope · 15/01/2019 11:37

I wouldn't give a flying fuck that teachers feel their responsibility ends at the school gate and that 'it is expected' that children walk to school alone from five, to be honest. Your job as a parent is to protect your child, whether that's talking to the school, the police, the other parents etc. Sympathy -- it's a horrible situation to be in.

ChariotsofFish · 15/01/2019 11:38

You don’t need proof. Call the mother, tell her what you DS said and ask her to ask her son what his interpretation is. For most parents and children this will warn him off, even if he lies about what happened.

ladybee28 · 15/01/2019 11:42

As @ChariotsofFish said, you don't need proof.

You need to give the other parents a heads-up so they can do something about the situation, and so if anything does happen, it's clear who perpetrated it.

If my son was threatening other kids I'd want to know ASAP.

bobstersmum · 15/01/2019 11:44

No way I'd send any of mine anywhere they felt unsafe. Change school if you can and keep him off in the meantime.

grinchypants · 15/01/2019 11:47

Call the school.

Even if it's not their responsibility, (which is awful) they still need to know, if you don't keep telling them they won't have any idea it's getting worse.

Can you ask if there is any after school clubs he can go to so he's walking home at a different time? Or if he can be taken aside and let go at the end of the day ten mins earlier or later?

Someone could give him some support at the end of the day when he needs it.

Productrecall · 15/01/2019 11:49

I have attended schools in three countries on three different continents OP. If something happens on their property they get involved, whether in school hours or not. Have you actually verified this with local council or school governors or equivalent, or is it just hearsay that they don't care after school hours? Even rubbish schools I've known value their reputation and therefore are aware of and influence behaviour of their pupils out of school.

PeonyTruffle · 15/01/2019 11:50

What a bloody awful situation, I'd go and get him now and bring him home. Wouldn't leave him there knowing what these kids intended to do

flumpybear · 15/01/2019 11:53

I'd phone then school and tell them if they don't do anything then the police will be involved. If this happened to an adult there would be serious consequences

I couldn't give a flying hoot if the school thinks they can walk themselves home st 5 years old - it's wrong on so many levels, mainly safety though - why the hell are you living in such a country? Move somewhere decent where your children can grow up in safety. My children are 6&10 there's no way on this planet they'd be where you are

FeralBeryl · 15/01/2019 11:56

Your son is possibly in a different position to the child that this has previously happened to because of his additional needs. I would hope teachers may take this into consideration.
Sod what anyone thinks about you picking him up - tell him to say he has a dentist appointment for now just so he knows he's safe whilst you sort this out.
I would certainly give the mum a ring-in a totally non confrontational way, explain that your child is very worried and even do it in a 'can X keep an eye out for him'
Do you know any children in higher years that could walk with him?

dworky · 15/01/2019 11:57

Pull him out. If the teachers have no responsibility than you must take it to keep him safe.

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 15/01/2019 11:59

This was the 80s but my best mate was being bullied. We stupidly didn't tell anyone. Long story short due to an incident of being chased through town at 14 years old we had to tell my friend's Mum.

One of the girls in the bullying gang had to walk past my friend's house on her way home. My friend's Mum waited for her and told her if anyone laid a finger on her child she would punch the girl to the floor. And she genuinely meant it. We loved her for standing up for her child.

Depending on the response from the mother of the child threatening yours, I think if it is brushed off I would confront (not threaten) but ask the two boys what they think they are up to. Hopefully it will be enough to scare them off.

DamnCommandments · 15/01/2019 12:02

I think you need local advice. Are you a member of a local expat FB group? If you're in NL, send me a PM - there's a Dutch Education FB group who would give great advice.

appless · 15/01/2019 12:03

You don’t need proof. Call the mother, tell her what you DS said and ask her to ask her son what his interpretation is. For most parents and children this will warn him off, even if he lies about what happened.

This. The child is much less likely to do anything when he realises his mum will quickly find out.

I would 100% be talking to the parents of both children. If they are unwilling to help, I would talk to the kids myself and warn them of the consequences of any further bullying.

SaturdayNext · 15/01/2019 12:04

Surely if the threat was made during the school day that is their responsibility?

schoggiweggli · 15/01/2019 12:04

My children were encouraged to walk by themselves from that age in Switzerland and did and it was fine but I would still have had no hesitation in going with them
If I'd wanted to and plenty of parents do.

The statements that what happens outside of school is not their problem and that children must walk by themselves are incompatible so again I'd have no issue with ignoring either of them.

In Switzerland there are rules. And then there's real life and the Swiss are very pragmatic so here I would be telling the teachers, school leadership team about it even if nominally it's not their problem. If I had no response from them I'd be going to the school department as well.

And I'd be talking to the educational psychologists about it too.

I might mention it to the other parent on the offchance that they would do something but that would be the least likely route to achieving anything here. (Although of course, if it were the other way round, I would definitively want to know and would take action)

justilou1 · 15/01/2019 12:10

I'd grab the kids and mention to them that you know that they have to walk past your house twice a day to get to school. Look him in the eye while you say this. Then say that they are bigger than your son, aren't they? Then point out that you're bigger than they are. Make sure they know why you're saying this. Ask them if they understand why you're saying this. If they claim not to, ask them to think about it every time they walk past your house and every time they see your son.

MatildaTheCat · 15/01/2019 12:10

I’d text the other mum with a friendly sort of, ‘DS is a bit worried that x has been talking about fighting him, I’m sure he’s got the wrong end of the stick but would you mind just having a quiet word so I can reassure him? Thanks and hopefully see you soon.’

Unless she’s a horror that should help.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 12:16

Ok, I called one of the mums. She immediately asked her son who said he hadn't seen DS today. Then he asked to speak to me and said there are three boys in his class with the same name, perhaps DS meant one of them. Except DS actually called him by his surname too and said he was the X who was in kindy with him. The mum has said her DS is to look out for my DS and he should tell her/teacher if he sees anything. The boy's elder brother has ADHD and has had a bad time at school and I know he has a couple of times pulled some kids off DS or got a teacher when necessary.

I have verified it with the school, two years ago when DS was punched and kicked outside the classroom when they were getting coats on to come home. It wasn't the school's responsibility and to take it up with the parents.

There are no after school clubs. He is often late out because he takes a while to get dressed. I'm aware of this and know it's because he wants to make sure most of the kids have left before he walks home. But sometimes, if the class gets let out early or the teacher chivvies him on (I've told her not to!) then he comes out at the same time as the others.

Surely if the threat was made during the school day that is their responsibility? It wasn't though. School finishes at 1145 and doesn't start again until 1330. This happened on the way home so around 1150.

OP posts:
BrightonTony · 15/01/2019 12:27

Sounds like you're doing the right thing in speaking to mums, getting the community to look out for him, getting the school to do what they can / will etc.

Also, boys need to know how and when to fight.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2019 12:33

So one of the boys who has threatened your son has an older brother with some of the same issues, and this older brother has protected your son before, is that right?
Then what the fuck is the younger brother doing, threatening your son??
I'd maybe try and catch up with his older brother and say "hey, your young brother is now one of the ones bothering my son, could you ask him not to please?"

astoundedgoat · 15/01/2019 12:34

You've done the right thing involving the other Mum. Stay in contact with her until this blows over.