DS been told he'll be beaten up, school in 1 hour, what to say?

[ForeignnessAlert]

First off, don't tell me to tell the teachers. We are not in the UK. Anything that happens after the school bell rings, even if children are still on premises, is deemed to be the responsibility of the parents and the school does not want to know.

DS is 9, ASD, ADHD, Yr 2, been kept back a year because of his SN.

He came home for lunch crying. Two lads in yr 4 (9-10yrs old) have told him that they are stronger than him and tomorrow after school they are going to fight him and they followed him home.

I've told DS he is allowed to defend himself, he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to fight. He wants me to go any pick him up tomorrow. I will, but this is not a long term solution as children are expected to walk to school themselves from the second term of kindy (c. 5 years). If I do walk him he will only be mocked for being such a baby that mummy needs him to walk to school. If I don't, clearly they'll just wait until a day when I'm not there.

I know from past experience (this happened with other children last year) that the teacher's won't do anything.

I know who the two lads are and I know that they have to walk past our house to get to theirs for lunch, so they didn't go out of their way to follow him. DS does often misread situations and get offended about people following him or copying him .

I imagine kids are home for lunch right now.

What should I do?

Although Germans instinctively detest state intervention in child rearing there is the view that compulsory school is a bare minimum safety net for neglected or deprived children not being appropriately parented.

It doesn't necessarily work that way, but it's systemic.

Without a school leaving certificate you cannot do any apprenticeship. There are pretty much no job opportunities without a school leaving certificate of the absolute minimum standard, so not allowing children access to the system makes them potentially life long outsiders and condemns them to the long term unemployed underclass, unless they are self motivated enough to go and do their school leaving certificate at night school, or independently wealthy.

There are lots of tiny parent initiative schools available to parents who would have home schooled in the UK though. They tend to have kindergarten level fees which many people can afford, and to run on Montessori/ Steiner lines. They're where hardcore Waldkindergarten parents send their kids I used to teach at one - utterly different to the state schools.

Anyone looking for this kind of school in their area should google Aktivschule and their town.

There are also actual Montessori schools in most larger towns. Most are Grundschule but some go through to 9 Klasse and enter code as external candidates for the mittleschule Abschluss.

Could be helpful Rage ?

*children not code!

DD is actually 2 years younger than DS, so in Yr 1 this year. I do feel slightly guilty in planning to use her, but it seems to me the best way for DS to be accepted is if DD has a strong base of friends. I'm trying to make time now for all her friends to come over to play, we've been so busy until now with various therapies for DS, I've said we need a break for a term. Partly to make up for DD having to sit in waiting rooms 2-3 times a week for the past 4 years and partly so other children meet DS (but he's not stressed by having to play with them because DD is) out of school. He doesn't want to invite anyone over. DD's friends (and parents) are all far more understanding of DS than those in his class.

Football would be great, and DD actually wants to learn how to play but it's too much for DS. He can't cope with too many rules at once, the number of people who play etc overwhelms him. The kids in his class won't let him play and now he refuses if we try to play with him at the weekend. Debating putting DD in a sports club to learn on the basis if she can earn the respect/friendship of the kids who play football they might also step in if DS has a problem

ForeignnessAlert wow your DD sounds fantastic, given she's younger especially! Do do the playdates and let her join the football club! My 13 yo DD's a goalie She played all the way through Grundschule, gave it up in 5 Klasse but has returned in 8 Klasse and is so glad to be back to it. DS1 has played since he was 4 and because of that already had older boys who were like big brothers when he started Grundschule. It costs next to nothing through a Verein and is a second family, a tribe, a social life and a sport all in one. There's a lot of taxiing to be done though...

My youngest just isn't a footballer (he plays at break but he's more of an individual than a team type - does martial arts now) and has had more problems than the older two, but DS1 being in 4 Klasse when he started 1 Klasse meant he had DS1's friends looking out for him.

You have options - if your DS really is a square peg in a round hole think about Montessori or Aktivschule. Going to the local school is really helpful for friendship but if that side isn't working out longer term it's worth considering the options.

Everything blueskiesandforests said.
A lot of parents, native German and otherwise, are getting fed up of the inflexibilities of the German school system, and the push is creating alternatives, even in quite rural areas. Round here it's mainly (Protestant) church schools - open to all faiths, very moderate fees as they actively want to be open to all backgrounds, much stronger emphasis on pastoral care and a 'school life' and spirit. I have one who has done fine in the mainstream system because he has that kind of easy intelligence that translates into good grades for doing the minimum (dreadful coaster but has got to y8 without being seriously tripped up by that) and has managed to steer a good course between his quirkiness and going along with the crowd, and has now found his nerdy niche. And another who. although he has a good ability to connect with people, is a bit AS-y (without meeting the threshold for a diagnosis) and whose performance is a lot more erratic despite being fundamentally pretty much as bright ashis brother, and needs a lot more pastoral direction and structure. He's in y6 (transition point here) and we're probably not sending him to the local Gymnasium where his brother is - it'll hopefully be one of those church schools, despite a bit of a commute. He's been misunderstood enough in Grundschule* and we just think he may well sink without trace in a normal Gymnasium.

*I am reasonably certain that he may not have got the recommendation for Gymnasium (which we need here) had dh and I not been university-educated professionals. 'Migration background', as a PP says, remains a hindrance, deplorably, but (equally deplorably) social class can be another, unless you have an open-minded teacher given to self-reflection. Hopefully more of these are coming through.

And yy to the German attitude to home ed. Observationally, I think it's also about a societal suspicion (with very good historical reasons, obviously) of parental doing-their-own-thing as potentially stemming from ideological motives. Children who have been in compulsory schooling will have been exposed to the fundamental societal values, which is supposed to act as a corrective to extremism.

I've looked into a football club, but the local one has training the same time as her dance class! I've found 4 "introduction to Football" courses in the next city so have floated the idea of both of them joining one of those. They run April-October and the closest one has accepts 16 children aged 4-10. So both could go if I can get them in. The others are 40 children which would be far too much for DS, but in a small group, if the teachers are willing to take him, he might learn the basics. I've asked him to think about it. He gets upset when the others won't let him play in kid's time (if the class behave well for half a term, they get to choose what to do for a double lesson) and while all the boys play football he's alone digging in the dirt with a stick. Which admittedly he likes doing, but still. I know also that as they go up the school, the boys often play football in PE lessons.