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Original poster

DS been told he'll be beaten up, school in 1 hour, what to say?

82 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 11:22

First off, don't tell me to tell the teachers. We are not in the UK. Anything that happens after the school bell rings, even if children are still on premises, is deemed to be the responsibility of the parents and the school does not want to know.

DS is 9, ASD, ADHD, Yr 2, been kept back a year because of his SN.

He came home for lunch crying. Two lads in yr 4 (9-10yrs old) have told him that they are stronger than him and tomorrow after school they are going to fight him and they followed him home.

I've told DS he is allowed to defend himself, he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to fight. He wants me to go any pick him up tomorrow. I will, but this is not a long term solution as children are expected to walk to school themselves from the second term of kindy (c. 5 years). If I do walk him he will only be mocked for being such a baby that mummy needs him to walk to school. If I don't, clearly they'll just wait until a day when I'm not there.

I know from past experience (this happened with other children last year) that the teacher's won't do anything.

I know who the two lads are and I know that they have to walk past our house to get to theirs for lunch, so they didn't go out of their way to follow him. DS does often misread situations and get offended about people following him or copying him .

I imagine kids are home for lunch right now.

What should I do?

OP posts:
GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 15/01/2019 12:36

Where are you? Sounds like a terrible school. Your son should not have to take his time after school so he doesn't get bullied.
Does he have any friends?
You are your child's only advocate and you need to sort this situation out asap.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 15/01/2019 12:42

What is the age of criminal responsibility in the country you're in? In the UK, it's 10 so if a 10 year old beat anyone up or threatened to, and you're in an area where the police force isn't hugely overstretched, then a local officer is usually happy to come out and speak with the 10 year old about the threats and if they actually assaulted someone then it could be taken further.

If the kids are of age for criminal responsibility and continue to follow him home or lay a hand on him then you're only option is to involve the police as the school aren't helping you.

Depending on the country, you could speak to your local councillor or press about the stance the school take. The relationships begin in the school, but when kids ate taking bullying out into the playground or walk home, the school won't even hold an assembly about bullying or intervene with the troublemakers. It's not right.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 12:51

Can't get hold of the other mum, I think she works today. It would make sense that it is those two as I know the grandparents of the boy whose mum isn't answering and the boy whose mum I spoke to are neighbours. So not unlikely they would walk home at lunchtime together.

Yes, Thumb and the boy himself has issues of his own.

As I was writing the above, the mum called me back from work. I asked who her son walked home with at lunch time. She said probably boy 1 as he is her son's best friend. She also thinks her son is the only one with that name in the school. She is surprised because her son (boy 2) was beaten up before Christmas and covered in bruises and very upset and said he didn't understand why someone would do that. But she also said he is afraid of the other children e.g. at break time and would never say anything or go against anyone. She's also surprised that he thinks he would be stronger than DS! (I also told DS this - DS is far larger and more solid than either boy 1 or 2.) I've asked her to ask him to look out a bit for DS at break time, even if he doesn't say anything then to let her know so she can let me know so I know what is going on. She will talk to him this evening when he gets home.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 15/01/2019 12:54

This is horrendous, I can't believe the school is allowed to take the attitude that it's not their problem when your DS was hurt right outside the classroom. Even at my very non-pastoral school in Asia in the 1980s this would have been beyond the pale. Are all the schools where you are this way? I must admit I would be keeping him at home, who the fuck knows what's going on there. And you say he's been held back already, do you think that could be related to the teaching he's receiving?

Anyway this is so shocking to read, I'm glad at least that the other mum you contacted was receptive but the school just sounds like some kind of dystopian nightmare that is failing your son both academically and pastorally.

Xiaoxiong · 15/01/2019 12:56

And also Thanks for you, you sound like a fantastic mum doing all you can for your DS xx

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 12:57

Depending on the country, you could speak to your local councillor or press about the stance the school take.
That wouldn't be newsworthy. As far as I am aware, it's the same everywhere, not something specific to our school.

the school won't even hold an assembly about bullying or intervene with the troublemakers
They don't have assembly!

He doesn't really have any friends. His class tolerate him and treat him as a bit of a mascot, but don't go out of their way to play with him (because he wouldn't understand what they are trying to play).

DD has suggested she form a band of her friends to protect him at break time. DS refused the offer because the boys would beat her friends up. DD is sure they can take them on [rolls eyes] I have told her not to fight, but have told DS it's not a bad idea to make sure he is with other children at break time rather than going off on his own. As no-one is likely to try anything if other people are watching.

OP posts:
ChrisjenAvasarala · 15/01/2019 13:02

It really sounds like the education system you're using has taken its queues from Lord of the Flies.

At least with the other mums being in contact, you may have given the boys enough of a fright and the parents will tall about bullying.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 15/01/2019 13:02

Good God, it sounds dreadful! Where are you (I mean in what country?).

I'm in Germany, whose school system is not exactly known for being a beacon of pastoral care (understatement), but when my ds2 had some aggro on the way home, the school certainly did get involved. Such a complete Lord of the Flies set-up sounds very unlikely - I don't mean to imply I disbelieve you, just that this may be a local peculiarity that you can, in fact, do something about. If the school itself is being rubbish, what would the next authority up be? LEA equivalent?

ChrisjenAvasarala · 15/01/2019 13:06

Mine was meant to say cues not queues.... I promise I'm not stupid lol

WarCat · 15/01/2019 13:06

Where the fuck do you live? Westeros? Hmm

BollocksToBrexit · 15/01/2019 13:06

Where are you? It's nigh on impossible to give advice when we don't know which country you're in.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 13:17

Westeros? Grin

At least with the other mums being in contact, you may have given the boys enough of a fright and the parents will tall about bullying. I hope this too. I'm not sure I'd label it bullying as we've never had an issue with these two before. In fact, I suspect it's more a case of two who often get picked on looking for some way of showing they're not the bottom of the pile and looking for someone weaker than them so they can prove it. Or, of course, someone else could have told them to do it.

We are indeed south of Germany, but in quite a rural area. There is no other school here. Resilience has been mentioned by the headmaster before, along with children needing to sort out their own differences to prepare them for the real world...

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2019 14:00

Ah, thought you must be in Germany from the times and other comments.
Resilience is such a cop-out - yes, all children need to learn resilience, but that doesn't mean leaving them entirely at the mercy of bullies!!

Hope your intervention has the desired effect, and also your DD's idea is a good one (despite your DS not liking it).

The only thing left that concerns me slightly is whether your DS is being absolutely honest about what happened and what was actually said; or whether, as you've intimated, he's misinterpreted what they said. They don't sound like the sort of boys who would be aiming to beat him up! But, like you say, maybe they're trying to get off the bottom of the pile themselves, who knows.

Hope it all gets sorted with no bruising!

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 15/01/2019 16:49

This isn't normal for Germany, not in this day and age (am in quite a rural part of it myself, albeit not Bavaria/BaWü, and I just can't imagine this). I do recognise the 'what happens off the school premises has nothing to do with us' mentality (it's the same mentality that gives rise to the poor pastoral care - the idea that schools deliver education, in the sense of knowledge, and nothing else), but it's not one anyone really finds acceptable these days.

You need to go and see the head and, if fobbed off, start talking about taking it to the Schulamt and, if necessary, the Ministerium. They won't like that.

Why would ds not understand games? Due to his SN, or is it also a language barrier?

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/01/2019 17:13

Not the point of the thread, but can I just point out that the age of criminal responsibility in the UK is not 10 as a pp claimed. It is 10 in England and Wales, but is 8 in Scotland.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 15/01/2019 17:37

I second @AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo this is not normal it. It is a school matter.
My DS is AS and ADHS as well - there was one instance much much milder at his school which was over and done within 2 days with a written apology and a lengthy sitting of the perpetratos with the headmistress.
0 keep him home, as he feels unsafe, then find out what really happened, then talk to:
1 Klassenlehrer,
2 Vertrauenslehrer,
3 Direktor if that doesn't work take it it one step up - create a written trail
4 if he has Schulhelfer or other aides involve them.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 15/01/2019 18:01

@JockTamsonsBairns

It was me who posted that. I am Scottish, and when we had some serious vandalism of our car and property the police said they couldn't do anything as the kids were only 9. So even the police force got it wrong there! But I've just googled and it is 8 for Scotland, however they cannot be prosecuted if they are under 12 so would only get social worker involvement or a children's panel.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 15/01/2019 19:19

the idea that schools deliver education, in the sense of knowledge, and nothing else
Yes, this is pretty much spot on.

The not understanding is due to SN, not language. DH is local.

As I said, I'm not going to label them bullies. This is the first time he's ever had an issue with these particular kids. I'll see if the mum of boy 2 finds out anything.

I shall pick him up tomorrow. We've talked about blocking punches, shouting stop, making sure he's near other kids.

I'm in two minds about asking DD to keep an eye on him at break time tomorrow - I don't want her to feel she is responsible for him, yet it would probably be a good solution. Although break time is officially supervised, another parent (who lives above to main playground and can see it from her bedroom window) says this is from inside the staff room and duty teacher is often out only once coffee is made...

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 15/01/2019 20:55

They're expected to walk to school from age 5??

@SoupOnMyTableNowSir my mum did something similar in 2006 😂 I was 11 and being badly harassed by a 13 yo boy. He never touched me again.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/01/2019 21:16

I assumed it was germany, from the expectations about walking to school.

Is there another parent you could ask for some advice from? There must be a way of dealing with the situation.

I would still take it up with the school though. They are utterly unreasonable to expect dc to walk to school alone but not to prompt good behaviour from the dc while doing it!

Epiphany52 · 15/01/2019 21:22

Are you in Germany or Switzerland? If you are speak to the local police. They should help in situations like this.
You have my massive sympathy OP, having faced similar problems in Switzerland and a similar lack of interest from school.
Other option might be to escalate it. Talk to paeditrician

Epiphany52 · 15/01/2019 21:23

Also a self defense class is a good idea - ideally one that will give your DS a crash course in defending himself, rather than working though levels like Karate.

hmmwhatatodo · 15/01/2019 22:29

What a crap place to live. Why do you stay there?! Surprised to hear about switzerland, i thought it was all peace and happiness over there.

appless · 15/01/2019 22:35

Yeah it's a bit weird isn't it? You think oh they're expected and encouraged to walk to school from age 5? Must be a super peaceful and safe country! But then you find out that 5 year olds threaten to beat each other up and schools shirk any responsibility and the poor kid is STILL expected to walk to school by himself... not such a nice country after all.

whatsthestory123 · 15/01/2019 22:42

havent read all but i would be pulling these two boys up and making it very clear that my son wasnt going to be bullied

actually i have done similar when one of mine was spat at and bullied,i had a word with him at school and he never approached my son again

you cant let this continue op your son most be so miserable an d such a worry for you both