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Original poster

Why do people say this when someone has died?

79 replies

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 14:29

I'm so angry right now, angry at myself for standing there like a bloody goldfish when it was said again and not telling them to shut the fuck up and stop being a dick.

Conversation with a lady I've sort of known for years, we had children at roughly the same time, my daughter died aged 2 weeks, her daughter is now here and aged 11, we did the usual niceties, then came the head tilt, it always starts with the fucking head tilt.

"Every time I think of your dd not being here anymore I hug mine a little bit tighter"

Why do people say this, especially hugging her dd as if to make the point right in front of me.

What would be the correct response to that? What am I supposed to say.

I've had it said thousands of times over the years to me, along with every other cliche going, but I can see the rest of it mostly comes from a good place.

There is literally no need for someone to say "You know that person you loved who died, well I have one too but mine is here so I'll hug them on your behalf"

Sorry just needed an angry and irritated rant. Can't believe it still gets to me so much after all this time.

OP posts:

MrsEricBana · 13/01/2019 14:33

Understandable that she might think it but exceptionally thoughtless of her to say that. I am very, very sorry for your loss. People can say stupid things unfortunately

SpaceDinosaur · 13/01/2019 14:34

Some desperate need to acknowledge your loss but a very clumsy way of doing it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What was your daughter's name?

silkpyjamasallday · 13/01/2019 14:37

What an arsehole. Sometimes people don't engage brain before they say things when it's a 'difficult' situation, but that is just a disgusting thing to come out with. I'm so sorry OP

squashyhat · 13/01/2019 14:37

I would say "bully for fucking you".

Karwomannghia · 13/01/2019 14:39

She’s an idiot what a vile thing to do. I’m so sorry.

AlsoBling2 · 13/01/2019 14:41

I am actually shocked. I am so sorry for your loss, and that you have to put up with comments like this. And while I have heard some odd things from people who simply don t know better, this one is horrible and you should not feel weird that it upsets you still.

It's the thing she might say to her dh. Not the person suffering bereavement.

Stardustinmyeyes · 13/01/2019 14:41

I'm really sorry for your loss. That must have been a terrible event to deal with.
I can understand why you are pissed off, you're right with the head tilt then it's the special voice.
People can be unbelievably tactless.
I would be tempted to say And your point is?

Cobblersandhogwash · 13/01/2019 14:44

That is a totally bizarre thing to say to someone.

Do not be angry at yourself. I'm sure you were stunned at her utter stupidity.

I am so sorry for your loss of your darling daughter. So sorry. Xxx

BlueAndWhiteTunica · 13/01/2019 14:45

I've often wondered about this too, I've heard it a lot particularly in the UK and don't understand what comfort it is supposed to offer to the bereaved.

If someone else's tragedy has made you more appreciative of what you have, great, bully for you. But the fact that you can still hug your loved one is hardly a comfort to anyone else .

It's such a commonly used platitude though, OP, that I wouldn't necessarily hold it against an individual who said it. She's been socialised to think it's an acceptable way to sympathise. Maybe if you were feeling strong in the moment a puzzled "you know, I've never understood why that's something people say to bereaved parents..." would make someone think.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

lolaflores · 13/01/2019 14:51

When my dad died a girl at school (I was 9) said, "Im glad your dad is dead"
Now, at the time, I was floored.
On reflection many, many years later...I think what she eant was, Im glad mine isn't dead.
Still shitty but its like a mental fart that comes out sideways.
By the way, her dad was the undertaker and some 40 years later she is still a fucking arsehole.
People hate the idea of death and want to deflect it at every turn and even bieng round people who have been bereaved is too much for them but its not your job to make it easier for them. Thats something Ive done for years. I was horrified by other peoples discomfort.
I often used to say my dad worked away or was on holiday rather than see that look of horror cross their faces.
Don't let her away with it the next time OP. reveal her thoughtlessness to her and she might think about not doing it a next time...if there is a next time.

GoldenEvilHoor · 13/01/2019 14:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Rudgie47 · 13/01/2019 14:59

Why did she even bring it up? I'd have been inclined to ask her why? I think she was just very insensitive and thick really. She probably hasn't had a major loss to deal with yet.
Just ignore her in future shes a turd of a person.

Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 14:59

Sorry for your loss op. Of course it's ok to say she thinks of your child but why tell you she's glad it wasn't hers? So insensitive.

MikeUniformMike · 13/01/2019 15:00

What they mean is "Every time I think of your dd not being here anymore I thank my lucky stars that I haven't had to go through what you have had to go through".
Unfortunately, they say it in a way that is hurtful, without meaning to - they are probably very sad for you.
Sorry for your loss.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/01/2019 15:02

“I’m sure you mean well, but that is a very hurtful thing to say.”

People can be idiots. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 15:02

Thank you all.

I was really angry, don't know if it was at her for saying it, or me for standing there like an idiot and not calling her out on it. I'm calmer now.

My daughters name is Emma, huge beautiful dark eyes, a gorgeous mop of dark hair and an attitude like a teenager, she was really poorly from birth, but, man could she eyeroll if she was annoyed

Thank you for asking I rarely get to use her name anymore.

People hate the idea of death and want to deflect it at every turn and even bieng round people who have been bereaved is too much for them but its not your job to make it easier for them

I spent a lot of the early days comforting people, apologising even, I felt guilty that I had caused them pain. It's so fucked up.

I do get the sentiment behind it. I've heard of tragedies and it has made me appreciate my lot in life more, I would never dream of saying it to someone who has suffered though.

I'm going to remember some of these responses, I don't see her often, but when I do she always says something stupid.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:

AnoukSpirit · 13/01/2019 15:09

Fucking hell, people say that to you? Multiple people thought it was acceptable to rub it in your face? Multiple people are that fucking self centred and thoughtless? Turning your loss into something about them and how lucky they are?!

I'm sorry, that's appalling. My jaw fell open in horror, so I cannot imagine what it might have been like for you.

I don't actually find it understandable that people would say that to you. It's one thing for them to think it to themselves when your loss makes them feel afraid, or to use that privately to reassure themselves, but to say it to you? What are they expecting you to say? "Yes, you're so lucky, thank you for reminding me of all I lost, it's very comforting"?

An understandable response would have been to comment that they still remember your little girl and think of you. That might have been clumsily worded or overwhelming, but it would be a genuinely compassionate comment.

Fuck. Some people are awful. I'm so sorry.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 13/01/2019 15:09

What a bitchy, rude thing to say. And I'm sorry, there is no fucking excuse for this type of verbal diarrhoea. Don't bother second guessing people like this, or assuming they're just being kind but misunderstood. My sister died young and I've had years of thoughtless, wanky comments like this from people who just can't seem to keep their thoughts to themselves and it's now almost automatic for me to reply to them along the lines of 'Wow, what crap thing to say. That made me feel like real shit. You need to learn to keep your thoughts to yourself.' And I care not a jot what they think because it's fucking rude of them to say stuff like this.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 13/01/2019 15:11

X-post with Anouk. Spot on.

brizzledrizzle · 13/01/2019 15:12

Trying to be charitable, I think she was trying to say that she's not forgotten your loss but totally and utterly fucking it up. I'd be tempted to give her the look and say 'I wish I could cuddle my daughter' and walk off.

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful Emma

NicoleNoPants · 13/01/2019 15:15

Your Emma sounds like a real firecracker, OP! And a beauty as well!
I’m sorry someone was so rude. You have every right to be angry with her.

Bippertyboo2 · 13/01/2019 15:17

My condolences and virtual hugs to you on the death of your beautiful daughter Emma , I am so very sorry.

Kismetjayn · 13/01/2019 15:18

Is there something that is comforting to hear?

Obviously this was a completely idiotic thing to say. Normally I try to go with 'i will remember them, it is good to hear about them, what were they like?' or some variation (because I think it's true, if they are remembered they are not lost).

But mostly it's so hard to know what to say when nothing can really take away that pain but it shouldn't go unacknowledged.

SunshineP · 13/01/2019 15:19

My daughter died as a baby. Someone said to me that at least I didn't have the struggle of juggling two kids like her.

biscuitmillionaire · 13/01/2019 15:20

Actually someone has posted very similar sentiments (along the lines of 'makes me want to hug my partner') on another active thread about the OP's wife being about to die. I read it and thought, ouch.

Horrible insensitive thing to say to you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your beautiful DD.

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