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Original poster

Why do people say this when someone has died?

79 replies

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 14:29

I'm so angry right now, angry at myself for standing there like a bloody goldfish when it was said again and not telling them to shut the fuck up and stop being a dick.

Conversation with a lady I've sort of known for years, we had children at roughly the same time, my daughter died aged 2 weeks, her daughter is now here and aged 11, we did the usual niceties, then came the head tilt, it always starts with the fucking head tilt.

"Every time I think of your dd not being here anymore I hug mine a little bit tighter"

Why do people say this, especially hugging her dd as if to make the point right in front of me.

What would be the correct response to that? What am I supposed to say.

I've had it said thousands of times over the years to me, along with every other cliche going, but I can see the rest of it mostly comes from a good place.

There is literally no need for someone to say "You know that person you loved who died, well I have one too but mine is here so I'll hug them on your behalf"

Sorry just needed an angry and irritated rant. Can't believe it still gets to me so much after all this time.

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 15:20

What an insensitive woman, I'm appalled that anyone would say such a thing.

Avoid her in future - like the plague.

I'm so sorry you've been unnecessarily upset.

raver123 · 13/01/2019 15:22

Can't believe how insensitive some folk are. The other thing is ignoring you and not even acknowledging your loss. She should have something like "I cannot imagine how you feel" "she is in my thoughts often".

kaytee87 · 13/01/2019 15:24

Emma is a beautiful name op.

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

It is quite a commonly expressed saying but I've always thought it was insensitive. Maybe she's not actually really thought about what she's saying.

Original poster

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 15:26

Is there something that is comforting to hear?

Personally I appreciate it when people say "I don't know what to say, it's just shit and shouldn't have happened" or similar. I understand why people try to 'fix' it but those who simply acknowledge it is crap and don't push to make me feel better are the ones I like the most. Those are usually the ones who have suffered a massive loss too.

SunshineP I am horrified that someone would say that to you. What a disgusting person

I had a lady who was struggling with infertility just after Emma died seek me out at my home to tell me to be grateful I had her at all because I had experienced love she never would. This woman worked with my, then, husband and I was just astounded. Again I wasn't strong enough to say anything, and I ended up almost agreeing and comforting her because she was crying.

I really am an idiot.

OP posts:

Peridot1 · 13/01/2019 15:27

I’ve seen people say it on here too. I’ve always thought it a very strange response.

Emma sounds very cute. Love the teen comparison and eye roll.

I am sorry for your loss.

SunshineP - you too. Cannot believe the stupidity and downright unkindness of that comment.

Original poster

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 15:28

Actually someone has posted very similar sentiments (along the lines of 'makes me want to hug my partner') on another active thread about the OP's wife being about to die. I read it and thought, ouch.

Holy shit, I've seen it on threads on anniversaries etc on here and that's bad enough. Some people are so bloody thoughtless and can't see beyond their own take on a situation.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 13/01/2019 15:29

I think she may be trying to say that she hasn't forgotten about your loss, has thought of you often and appreciates that your pain now is the same as hers would be if she lost her DD today.

It's hard to know what to say. I find acknowledging that I have no words can be the best thing.

appless · 13/01/2019 15:29

I'm surprised so many people think it's horrifying, etc. because it's quite a common turn of phrase. It's certainly not said "to rub your nose in it". The implication is that they remember to appreciate what they have.

Not saying you're wrong to be offended, and it is a bit of a weird phrase when you stop to think about it, just saying a lot of people say it because it's just a thing that's sometimes said. And they probably don't know what else to say. Lots of people are awkward about death, particularly involving children.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

WatcherOfTheNight · 13/01/2019 15:31

@BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones baffling isn't it ,I've had the same said to me since my Dd died.
Also some other thoughtful comments like ,everything happens for a reason & at least it wasn't Ds
How I haven't smashed someone in the face yet I don't know .

Sorry that you've had this to deal with also & for your loss

Joinourclub · 13/01/2019 15:32

I totally get that it is an upsetting thing to hear, but I think her intent was to show sympathy and that she had not forgotten about Emma. When somebody first dies there are a lot of ‘sorry for your loss’ etc but then people stop saying it and sometimes it can be like that person is forgotten or unmentionable.

It’s not an uncommon expression/ sentiment to ‘hug your loved ones closely because you never know when you might lose them ....’ but I do agree that it is insensitive to direct it towards you in this way.

Original poster

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 15:34

WatcherOfTheNight 'everything happens for a reason' 'too special for this world' 'in a better place now' all fuck me right off too.

Sorry that you're here as well, and having to deal with the same sort of crap, it really is just shit, nobody should have to go through this.

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 13/01/2019 15:37

I'm so sorry OP for the loss of your beautiful girl . It is just shit.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 13/01/2019 15:39

I think it's a clumsy way of letting you know that she knows you also have a dd born at the same time as hers, but it is very intrusive to do that to you when you are going about your daily life. I'm terrible at knowing what to say to people that have been bereaved, but also want to not do that thing of crossing the road to avoid the situation. The way it was phrased was awful though, op.

GobblersKnob · 13/01/2019 15:40

So sorry op, that's a crappy thing to have to hear. I have heard it said often BY someone bereaved, as a kind of 'thank your lucky stars you're not walking in my shoes, as it's utterly shit.' Which I think makes sense if it works for that person. But to say it TO someone bereaved, makes no sense, it just sounds smug.

Emma is a beautiful name.

WatcherOfTheNight · 13/01/2019 15:41

Yes those too ,it's played a big part in why I avoid a lot of people now .

I've spoken to a lot of mums in our position over the last 6 months & this comes up all the time .

Smallhorse · 13/01/2019 15:42

Emma is a beautiful name and she sounds like a wee belter !
Loving her attitude

My dp cannot stand the crap and crass stuff that gets put on FB on the birthday of his son who died. It makes him angry on top of being heartbroken

concretesieve · 13/01/2019 15:43

for you and Emma.

EhlanaOfElenia · 13/01/2019 15:44

Break - I'm so sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds beautiful.

I'd like to tell you about the 'circle of support'. Imagine a series of circles, with the smallest one in the middle, and each one larger as you go out (like water ripples). You are the circle in the middle, your immediate family or the next circle, your close friends are the next circle, your extended family is the following circle - basically the closer they are to you, the closer their circle is to you.

The circle of support is that you, in the middle, can get support from anyone outside for the loss of your darling daughter. Those in the outer circles, can get support from the circles further out, and they support the circles going in. You get support from EVERYONE. You don't support ANYONE. That's not your job. If someone else needs support for the loss of your daughter they can sodding well go to someone else for that support, not you.

SunshineP · 13/01/2019 15:45

People can be clumsy and not know what to say and others can just never speak to you again. I kind of understand both of them..... Just! But the downright malicious stuff took my breathe away. I also had someone tell me they go home and hug their child closer when they think of me AND she said she always felt better about her life because mine was so much worse. She's a midwife and we are no longer friends.

AnoukSpirit · 13/01/2019 15:49

The implication is that they remember to appreciate what they have.

Why the fuck is that any concern of the bereaved person?

Deal with your own discomfort by yourself, don't foist it onto someone who's actually suffered the loss you fear so much.

AnoukSpirit · 13/01/2019 15:51

SunshineP I'm so sorry.

Have these people had their empathy surgically removed?

Drum2018 · 13/01/2019 15:58

Sorry to hear that your little girl Emma did not get to stay with you. I hope you feel her close, as I do my son. Like you I listened to all the fucking crap people spew out and held my tongue. The one that still annoys me is a woman who said "wasn't it better than having a disabled child"', going on to say she'd seen children in a children's hospital and that was awful. I just sat there, in the doctors waiting room, and said nothing. Another woman quickly jumped in and said how sorry she was to hear our baby died. I'd say she could see how upset the other bitch had made me. People can be thick and ignorant.

Next time you will be ready to say something calmly, but firmly, along the lines of, "well aren't you so lucky to have that luxury" and change the subject.

CoffeeRunner · 13/01/2019 15:59

I’m so sorry for the loss of your DD.

I’m never sure if I’m doing the right thing, but I never mention my DD’s birthday on FB. The reason being I have a FB friend who I met while we were in hospital having our DDs. We were both inpatients for a while before the births.

Our DDs were born on the same day, at roughly the same time in neighbouring delivery rooms. On their 1st birthdays, my friend’s DD was taken I’ll very suddenly & died from meningitis. The thought that it could so easily have been my DD instead has obviously been there ever since. And on their birthday, I can never say Happy Birthday or post photos of my DD’s celebrations in case it causes more pain.

I may be doing totally the wrong thing. My point being, sometimes people just don’t know how hurtful or inappropriate they’re being.

CoffeeRunner · 13/01/2019 16:00

Ill not I’ll obviously.

category12 · 13/01/2019 16:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry this woman was so crass. Emma sounds gorgeous x

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