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Original poster

Why do people say this when someone has died?

79 replies

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 14:29

I'm so angry right now, angry at myself for standing there like a bloody goldfish when it was said again and not telling them to shut the fuck up and stop being a dick.

Conversation with a lady I've sort of known for years, we had children at roughly the same time, my daughter died aged 2 weeks, her daughter is now here and aged 11, we did the usual niceties, then came the head tilt, it always starts with the fucking head tilt.

"Every time I think of your dd not being here anymore I hug mine a little bit tighter"

Why do people say this, especially hugging her dd as if to make the point right in front of me.

What would be the correct response to that? What am I supposed to say.

I've had it said thousands of times over the years to me, along with every other cliche going, but I can see the rest of it mostly comes from a good place.

There is literally no need for someone to say "You know that person you loved who died, well I have one too but mine is here so I'll hug them on your behalf"

Sorry just needed an angry and irritated rant. Can't believe it still gets to me so much after all this time.

OP posts:
SunshineP · 13/01/2019 16:03

OP Im so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for all your sympathy. X

Bamchic · 13/01/2019 16:07

Emma sounds beautiful I’m sure she loved you very much, i lost a pregnancy in the second trimester and I too was met with “at least you got pregnant...” it is in no way comparable to your loss with Emma but god it’s shit. We can’t make it better for you but I hope you’re starting to find peace. You sound like an amazingly kind strong lady.
All the love it the world.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/01/2019 16:07

I am so very sorry you lost Emma so young. I am sure your friend was trying to be nice - she probably doesn't know what to say - not that that is necessarily an excuse of course. Hugs to you xx

drowningincustard · 13/01/2019 16:10

I am so sorry you were only with Emma for such a short time.
I can understand that sometimes you are just not in the mood to take the high ground and stay quiet - why should you be the one that always has to be dignified and brave after everything.
"Was that meant to be comforting for me or did you just forget that I'm still stood in front of you and don't have my daughter to hug?"

WellBHoise · 13/01/2019 16:16

Flowers for you, Emma sounds absolutely awesome. Hopefully posting the awfully things people said in here will make others think twice before saying it so someone else, but you shouldn’t have to educate stupid emotionally dumb people.

AprilSpring · 13/01/2019 16:17

Love to you and Emma 💕

I think she was trying to acknowledge that Emma was here, all be it in a shitty way. She’s trying to address the most painful thing in a clumsy British way. People say the stupidest things when it comes to death. I think it’s normal for people to project situations into themselves, particularly when Emma was a similar age to her daughter.
Now all that sounds like I’m defending this silly lady - hopefully she’ll read this and keep those thoughts in her head next time.

ALongHardWinter · 13/01/2019 16:21

What an awful thing to say.
So sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

Maelstrop · 13/01/2019 16:30

Honestly, I'd say what a pp said. Give her a really cold look and say 'What a fucking horrible thoughtless thing to say'. I would give zero fucks for how that made her feel. She clearly hasn't thought how you feel or she'd never say such a dumbass thing. She's thinking of herself when she says it, pure and simple.

waywardfruit · 13/01/2019 16:34

It is a bit of a crass way to put it isn't it? But I think the sentiment is a bit of "There but for the grace of God, go I" and "I know how I would be feeling if the roles had been reversed, so I understand and sympathise."

anniehm · 13/01/2019 16:38

I can see things both ways, it is quite insensitive but actually it's truthful and unlike many people she actually acknowledged your loss rather than either changing the subject or awkward silence. Everyone is different and it's very hard to know what to say

explodingkitten · 13/01/2019 16:39

“I’m sure you mean well, but that is a very hurtful thing to say.”

I think that this is a really good way of saying it. I actually do think that she is trying to show some empathy but she's doing it the wrong way. This way, you'll shut her up in a polite way.

I absolutely love the name Emma. It's so beautiful. I also like that you told us that she eye rolled when annoyed. That's so funny in a way. Thank you for sharing that with us. So sorry that you have to miss her Thanks.

Babdoc · 13/01/2019 16:45

OP, bereavement is bad enough without having to deal with the supposedly “comforting” remarks of utter fuckwits.
I’m so sorry you had this inflicted on you, and that you didn’t feel able to point it out at the time.
I had a similar experience when my SIL phoned me to excitedly tell me that the approaching anniversary of my DH’s death would now be a happy occasion as she was expecting a baby!
I realise the death of her brother wasn’t such a devastation to her as it was to me and my toddlers, but it took every ounce of my self control not to call her a cunt and hang up the phone.
I hope it has helped a little for you to vent on here, and to have the love and support of all the PPs who understand your feelings. Don’t be afraid to challenge future idiots, and I hope you still have the chance to talk about wee Emma and the brief time you had with her. No one can take away the memories, or the love you gave her.

PlatypusPie · 13/01/2019 16:50

It’s something that someone could reasonably say to a third party but utterly tone deaf and insensitive to say to a bereaved person.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 13/01/2019 16:56

Good god I'd never say that. I hate it when people say it on arsebook after a national tragedy but saying it in person is really dense.

I'm sorry your daughter died OP. Life can be unbearably cruel and sad. Flowers

45andahalf · 13/01/2019 17:10

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your little girl Flowers

Not exactly the same but I lost my mum young, very unexpectedly. When I came back to work, the number of people who told me they’d gone home and hugged their mum/called their mum as soon as they’d heard about my mum! And my flatmate, in an attempt to give me something else to think about because I wasn’t cheering up fast enough, wanted me to help her organise her mum’s fiftieth birthday party!

AJPTaylor · 13/01/2019 17:14

People are unthinking dicks. I witnessed a similar thing once. I pointed it out to the dick and haven't spoken to her since.

robininbrum · 13/01/2019 17:17

@BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones

Bless you. Smile I am so sad your Emma didn't live. She would have been the luckiest girl in the world to have you as a mother.

I absolutely LOVE the name Emma. It was in my top 3 names for a girl, but me and DH went with another (similar) name. It's so pretty.... and classy and elegant, and reminds me of Bronte novels and suchlike.

I don't think the woman meant anything bad, and is probably looking for something to say, but YANBU to be pissed off. As a pp said,you need to say 'I know you mean well, but saying that is really hurtful........'

It's like my good friend lost her mom and dad - 6 months apart - when she was only 19 y.o., and she said she wants to scream blue murder everytime someone says 'awww, it must be so tough, having no parents, you POOR THING. Confused

Well yeah it IS tough, but there is no need to be so patronising. The worst thing she hears is people saying 'how sad that you have no family. Must be very lonely...' Hmm FFS, what good do people think they're doing when they say this? (And she DOES have family; she has 2 brothers, 2 SIL's and a niece and nephew, and also her husband (no kids yet, but she is still in her late 20's...)

I know a woman who had a son 3 months before I had mine, and he died aged 3. Do I rub her nose in it on the rare occasion I see her (twice a year maybe...') and say 'awww you poor lambkin poppety poos, you lost your son didn't you? I am soooooooo grateful MINE didn't die!' Course I don't. Why the hell WOULD I?

Look after yourself. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2019 17:20

Break
SunshineP
Flowers I’m sorry some people can be so unwittingly cruel. If only they could hear themselves.

imip · 13/01/2019 17:24

Oh I fucking know OP. 9 weeks after dd was stillborn, my manager said he just couldn’t imagine what it’s be like to list one of his children, they mean so much to jinx I’ve had lots of similar comments and it really hurts. My Mum told me I was lucky to lose my first because I didn’t know what I was missing Hmm

45andahalf · 13/01/2019 17:24

Also not the same, but among the other stupid things people said to me after my mum died - at her funeral, someone said, “Oh, it was a really lovely service, your mum would have really liked it if she’d been here.” By that stage I was sick of saying the right thing to make other people feel better, so I replied “I doubt it, I expect she’d have been saying ‘Let me out of this box!’” Her horrified face was a picture. Still can’t decide if I should have just nodded and smiled.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 13/01/2019 17:30

All you should say is
I’m so sorry for your loss
I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel
Op I’m sorry that you have been made to feel so crap

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/01/2019 17:33

I had insensitive comments when DH died, 'you're so lucky being able to clear your mortgage'Hmm

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 13/01/2019 17:37

Emma is a beautiful name and she sounds as if she was gorgeous. Flowers

I remember some of the tactless comments I received when my own daughter died as a baby. Some people just have no idea!

What would be the correct response to that? What am I supposed to say.

I’d say to her something along the lines of “So you tell me on a regular basis. I’m glad it makes you feel better but I really don’t want to hear you say it again.”

CookPassBabtridge · 13/01/2019 17:46

I can't believe someone would say that Shock There are well meaning clumsy comments but that is just.. Shock I'm so sorry you have to put up with this Thanks

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 18:00

OP, Emma is such a pretty, feminine name and your description of her is gorgeous. Bless her little heart, and yours.

So many of you have experienced great sadness and I am appalled at the insensitive comments you've had to put up with.

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