Why do people say this when someone has died?

[BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones]

I'm so angry right now, angry at myself for standing there like a bloody goldfish when it was said again and not telling them to shut the fuck up and stop being a dick.

Conversation with a lady I've sort of known for years, we had children at roughly the same time, my daughter died aged 2 weeks, her daughter is now here and aged 11, we did the usual niceties, then came the head tilt, it always starts with the fucking head tilt.

"Every time I think of your dd not being here anymore I hug mine a little bit tighter"

Why do people say this, especially hugging her dd as if to make the point right in front of me.

What would be the correct response to that? What am I supposed to say.

I've had it said thousands of times over the years to me, along with every other cliche going, but I can see the rest of it mostly comes from a good place.

There is literally no need for someone to say "You know that person you loved who died, well I have one too but mine is here so I'll hug them on your behalf"

Sorry just needed an angry and irritated rant. Can't believe it still gets to me so much after all this time.

The implication is that they remember to appreciate what they have

Why the fuck is that any concern of the bereaved person?

It's just a thing people say in an attempt to show sympathy, I think. I've never said it myself but have heard it before and never really thought much about it. I don't think there's any malice behind it, that's for sure.

OP I agree with the person who said to say "I know you meant well, but that's a hurtful thing to say". It lets them know how you feel without causing major drama over a comment that was mostly likely said with good intentions, even if it didn't come across that way.

Because people don’t know what to say and they don’t think. They also forget that because your going about your normal
Business you are still grieving and that just standing up is an achievement. My fave from the summer when my husband died was “you alright.” I have no response to that. As part of me looks like we are ok going about our normal business. And the other half is literally dying inside too. And you can’t just say that yes you are alright as that’s so flipping flippant under the circumstances . I think
People should remember if you don’t know what to say don’t say anything.

I had a lady who was struggling with infertility just after Emma died seek me out at my home to tell me to be grateful I had her at all because I had experienced love she never would. This woman worked with my, then, husband and I was just astounded.

Yes I had the woman who lived below me (and whose DH work with mine say "Not being funny or anything, but at least you know you can get pregnant (she had been trying a few months). She went on to have a stillborn son. Of course I didnt recipricate.

I've also heard people say when hearing of others bad news..."Oh I dont think I could live with myself/not cope/not know what to do if that were me". Rarely do they know of my experience, and it does take a lot not to say..."well yes were just fucking hard as nails and of course breezed through..

[Flowers] for Emma...and can I ad my firstborn who would of been 34 last Tuesday

I have told countless people that I understand they don't know what to say,but I think its common sense not to say to a bereaved mother that their child "is in a better place " or some of the other thoughtless things that get said .

And yes @Oldraver that's another one ,and I can't be polite about it anymore .
I now tell the truth ,if it wasn't for my Ds I wouldn't be here.
I've lost 2 children & the people who say that to me are aware so it's probably one of the most hurtful things that's been said to me,makes me feel like they think I couldn't possibly have loved them enough.