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Original poster

TRIGGERING - should I go and view my friends body in the chapel before the funeral?

101 replies

pandoraphile · 09/01/2019 22:58

I've got a couple of threads elsewhere about her death. She had cancer and died quite quickly, just before Christmas. She was one of my best friends and I'm struggling to process that she's gone. I've never viewed a body before. I have no idea whether to go or not. Anybody have any advice?? The funeral is next Wednesday.

OP posts:
tubspreciousthings · 09/01/2019 23:00

I visited my in-laws in the funeral home. It gave some closure as they looked very dead, but I'm not sure I'd feel the need to do it again.

scrivette · 09/01/2019 23:02

Honestly it's up to you and only you can decide.

However, I would say, do you think you would regret it if you didn't go? If you think you might then maybe it's best to go.

I have seen my grandparents after they died and I was glad that I did.

PurpleWithRed · 09/01/2019 23:05

I would say not, if you’re not sure. My final memory of my vibrant, funny, warm-hearted mum is of her body in the bed she died in, holding her cold unresponsive hand. It was hard. I don’t think it would be how she would want to be remembered.

LowbrowVictoriana · 09/01/2019 23:06

I was nervous about seeing my BIL, had never seen a body before.
It was fine. Very sad, but fine. Brought it home that he really had passed because it seemed so unreal. Think DH was very glad of it, too.

dulcefarniente · 09/01/2019 23:07

Do you think that will be your lasting memory of your friend? If so it might be better not to go and remember her as she was when she was happy and well.

thoroclock · 09/01/2019 23:08

I didn't feel the need to see my DM after she died and I don't regret it.

However my sibling recently died after a very gruelling lengthy hospital stay and I chose to visit in the chapel of rest as I needed to see them at peace and in a different place to where all the suffering had happened. It gave me a sense of closure and I'm glad I went.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

GoodStuffAnnie · 09/01/2019 23:11

Sorry to be brutal, but if she died before Christmas her body will have deteriorated by now. Even with embalming. I am normally for going but I would not now.

Lemond1fficult · 09/01/2019 23:13

In your shoes.. I would. I saw my father and my boyfriend's bodies when they were lying at rest, and it assured me they were at peace, because it was clear to me the body in front of me was now an empty vessel. Likewise, if her illness was hard for the last while, you will see all that is over.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Pavlova31 · 09/01/2019 23:18

I agree with GoodStuffAnnie Op Flowers

MDFalco · 09/01/2019 23:23

My Mum died very suddenly and at the time I couldn't cope with seeing her dead.

However, I have since come to regret this. I discussed it with a bereavement counsellor who I later saw and she said that it can help because it makes you realise that the person is actually dead and helps to start the grieving process.

I know I found it terribly hard to believe that my Mum was truly gone and wasn't going to come walking in the door, and now feel that it probably would have helped me to accept the reality of the situation.

Of course, I say that with 20/20 hindsight and had I seen her body would probably say the exact opposite. So I am actually bloody useless.

WatcherintheRye · 09/01/2019 23:24

I wouldn't, op, but you may feel you need to, to say a final goodbye, I went to see my Mum, as we had been away when she died, and I felt I had to see her. I had seen my Dad many years previously in the hospice where he died, but that was within minutes of his death. When I went to the undertakers to see Mum it had an awful impact on me. It didn't look like her.

Whatever they do, had changed the way she looked and had fixed on her an expression that would never have crossed her beautiful face in life. And I hadn't expected the icy coldness of her hand when I touched it.

I would say if you feel bound to go, then go with another friend, and be prepared that the friend you have lost may not look as though they are just sleeping peacefully.

Flowers for your loss.

saffkey1 · 09/01/2019 23:27

No ,don't,I wish id never viewed my Grampy because now i can always see it.
Remember her as she was,i am so sorry for your loss,but those we love never truly die as long as you hold them in your heart xxxx

runwithme · 09/01/2019 23:27

I went to see my DB shortly after he died and it was very hard but I'm glad I did. DM wanted to visit a week later and DH took her as I couldn't cope. He advised me not to go back due to the effect that time had had.
If you decide to go then wear some sunglasses as she will likely have discoloured.

Sorry for your loss x

Boxerbinky · 09/01/2019 23:29

I have only seen my mum in the funeral parlour and sincerely wish I hadn't. It brought me personally no comfort and if I'm honest I found it quite distressing. My sister however found it comforting and as another chance to say goodbye.

I think it really does depend on the person, I was really unsure that I wanted to go in before hand and I wish I'd listened to the voice in my head, rather than doing what I thought I should.

I chose not to go in to see my aunt laid out a couple of years later and I'm glad my last memory of her is not of her in the coffin.

Sorry for your loss xxx

BaconPringles · 09/01/2019 23:31

I always swore not to do it, and when my gran died I maintained that.
But on the last day of viewing I suddenly changed my mind
I am so glad I did to be honest. It was very surreal but there was some acceptance there. I left her some photos and a cigarette in her coffin and fixed her hair how she liked it.

Original poster
pandoraphile · 09/01/2019 23:32

Thank you all.

Yes, it has been a long time between death and funeral.

My worry is that I'll regret not going. And it can't be harder than seeing her dying in ITU. That was one hell of a shock.

I still have a few days to decide.....

OP posts:
Original poster
pandoraphile · 09/01/2019 23:35

What will have happened to her body?? I have no idea about this. I'm assuming she'll be clothed? Or wrapped in a shroud? And she's been in a refrigerated mortuary?

Thanks for all of your input, it's very valuable to me. And I'm sorry for all of your losses Thanks

OP posts:
CatsMother66 · 09/01/2019 23:39

My dad died 4 years ago and I still struggle to process that he’s gone so I’m not sure going to see her after all this time would help, especially if you haven’t seen a body before. I think it would distress or traumatise you for the reasons others have said. x

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2019 23:43

I did see my dad and was glad I had as he died in intensive care and there were lots of tubes and machines. My mum died in her sleep and I saw her the next afternoon at the funeral home and really wished I hadn't - she looked waxy and pinched and not like my lovely, happy mum.

CatsMother66 · 09/01/2019 23:44

It is quite clinical. A viewing room is next to the mortuary. She will not have clothes on. She would be laying on a trolley bed with a sheet over her body, face uncovered. She could have discolouration, I don’t think it would be the best way to remember her and it could play on your mind. x

AnnieOH1 · 09/01/2019 23:45

@Pandoraphile it may help you see her at peace. The mortuary technicians really are magicians with regard to making people look asleep, but there's always something not quite normal. They wouldn't have an open casket if it wasn't appropriate. Most (all?) funeral homes will ask if you want an escort, or take a close friend with you for support.

She may be dressed in her own clothes or a shroud with hood. Sometimes a thin netted veil is placed over the coffin. There's nothing gory or untoward about it. If you touch her, she will feel cold and almost like stone.

She is still your friend, and you are hers. There are no wrong choices.

This is going to sound callous and I don't mean it to but I wonder if (as you've posted here) you would be better going if only to get round the "viewing of a dead body" side of things?

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2019 23:45

I think that someone who died before Christmas must have been embalmed if you can view them but I am not certain.

Jux · 09/01/2019 23:45

I have seen quite a few dead bodies, including my dad's. He died at home in his own bed. We'd been keeping a vigil, knowing he would die that night. The body was him but wasn't him.

My mum died at home too, many years later. She lived with us and I was with her from t first indication that her death was very close, right up to after she'd died. She just looked like her, but asleep - she'd fallen asleep/unconscious due to the meds she was given.

My younger brother died suddenly, instantly, in his flat. By the time I was informed of his death his body was at the morgue and the Coroner said they were doing the pm that afternoon, so I didn't see him. The undertaker gave a time for viewing and many of his friends did, but i had no desire to.

There have been others, quite a few.

My own personal belief is that after death the body is irrelevant.

fourquenelles · 09/01/2019 23:46

My DH died New Year's Eve during the heavy snow of 2009. Because of the weather he could not be cremated until 20 January. I saw him in the funeral parlour. He looked ok. Like he had lost some weight but not in any way "decayed". He was dressed as I had asked in a bright orange kaftan. It was good to see him for a final time.

GooseberryJam · 09/01/2019 23:53

She will most likely be dressed in her own clothes. My mum died last year and the funeral directors invited me to bring a set of her clothes in so they would dress her in those before viewing and the funeral. You could always ring and ask them questions - they will tell you what to expect and mine were very helpful.
The other thing that helped me was that after the viewing I immediately looked at photos of my mum (have some ready on your phone) and told myself that that was the real her, happy and alive. As pp have said, the viewing was seeing an empty shell - it did make her death a certainty for me but it was also unnerving, even though I'd done it before. It will be emotional and difficult. I decided though that I would rather do it than regret not doing it later. But you may differ.

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