TRIGGERING - should I go and view my friends body in the chapel before the funeral?

[pandoraphile]

I've got a couple of threads elsewhere about her death. She had cancer and died quite quickly, just before Christmas. She was one of my best friends and I'm struggling to process that she's gone. I've never viewed a body before. I have no idea whether to go or not. Anybody have any advice?? The funeral is next Wednesday.

Your friend will be dressed - and she may have makeup on . She'll just look very still and lifeless. I've done it and although it wasn't particularly upsetting, it's something I wouldn't do again. The person never looks like they did in life - I'd rather have just remembered how they were .

I saw my dad just after he died and he looked asleep . I chose not to view his body a week later as I didn't want to remember him like that . My brother went and he said it was horrible .. I wouldn't go IME

I saw my Mum laid out soon after she died in the hospital, and it was good that I did so. She looked like herself, peaceful and untroubled, but clearly dead. I saw my Dad at the undertaker’s after embalming and he looked unnatural, not like himself at all. It was unnerving. Based on that, I wouldn’t view your friend’s body. Sympathies for your loss.

So sorry about your friend.
I have lost two friends to cancer. With ‘S’ it was very sudden 3 Christmases ago. I had seen her late November and she looked healthy and well. So that it exactly how I remember her.
With ‘I’ I saw her at her a couple of days before she died last Summer and she looked so ill. That is how I remember her. I really wish I didn’t. I think I would have like to see her body (didn’t have the chance) so I could remember her at peace and looking as if she was sleeping.
I think you have made the right decision to see her. Take someone with you. You can decide at the time whether you want them to go in with you or not. xx

I saw my friend’s body at the funeral home, it helped me process her death as she died suddenly and without warning and so I had no other ‘proof’ of her death.

She was peaceful but it was really really hard to leave. I was with another friend and we were stroking her hair but didn’t want to leave her as we’d never see her again. We were in shock and heartbroken.

Another friend died a few years later, this time of cancer and I’d seen him get worse and visited him in the hospice in his last days. I went to see him in the chapel of rest and it was different. It didn’t feel like him. I almost regretted it but not quite.

I would take someone with you if you can, for moral support.

I went to see my Father, out of curiosity, at 16. By 'accident' I'd seen my Grandad, after death at 15. I was in the hospital supporting my Nan when he died. It helped, I'd seen him fighting for his life.

I worked in end of life care.

I tend to be the first one that goes to see any relatives laid out. I then prepare the others.

When it hasn't looked like them, I've taken a photo, from a distance, if they want that, to make up their minds.

In the case of my Mother and Grandad there was a delay and they no longer looked like themselves. My DDs, in my Mother's case decided against going to see her, my Sister went once and didn't feel that it done her any good.

Personally, it helps me with the grieving process. I sat daily (8 days) with my DH.

A good undertaker, especially with someone younger will request a picture that the person, arranging the funeral, or the deceased, particularly liked. So they get the hair etc as right as possible. They do their best.

If my eldest DD is unsure, she always asks someone whose seen the person.

Tinstar, I found it very difficult. I saw my Mum a few minutes after she'd died and she just looked asleep (but was obviously 'not there', just her body), I wish I had've left it at that as I can still see that awful image of her in the funeral home.

I'd never discourage anyone though based on my experience, as for all I know they may have a positive experience and be happy they did view their loved one. All I know is that for me it was awful.

My family is N Irish and where they are, the deceased is buried on the 3rd day. I know with the Irish side of my family that no one has ever been to the funeral home. The funeral directors come to your house and do the embalming, and then the body is laid out for everyone in the town to visit before the funeral. Family members dress the deceased and do their makeup etc.

Good luck for tomorrow. My stepdad died in an accident on 2 December and we were not able to view his body until New Year’s Eve. He looked very peaceful but we could only see the top half of his body and the top of his head was hidden to hide his injuries. We couldn’t see his arms or hands either. Even with all that they had done a great job of making him look as good as possible.

I would take someone with you. I felt real shock when I first walked in but it is very serene in there, and the funeral directors staff were amazing. It was nice to say goodbye, and we placed little notes in there for him too.
Good luck xx

I never saw any of my relatives that died ( a few). I put off visiting their graves for years as well. I think graphically. I’m not sure I could cope with seeing a corpse because I would keep seeing it. Even without visiting them I still can’t think of my mother without imagining her body in a shroud (muslim) or decomposing in the ground. But at least in my imaginings she just looks asleep. If you think in images I would probably choose not to (especially since it’s been so long). Otherwise there is s chance you will relive the viewing each time you think of her.

I don't know how I feel about this. It's so personal. I was with both my parents when they died and went to see them in the funeral parlour. It didn't give me closure as such. I knew they had gone but I still couldn't process it at all. Mum didn't look like herself and that really bothered me. Dad looked like he was sleepinga which made me keep thinking he was going to get up any minute. I found it hard to leave him there.

Well, it's set for 10am tomorrow. I'm taking my dd (18) with me. I'll update afterwards.....I am nervous and feel slightly sick but I think that's a reaction to her death as a whole. I'll have to try and find a photo of her to put up here so you can all see how beautiful she was.

I just want to say good luck again. I really hope it makes you feel better xx

Thinking of you. I hope you find some peace from seeing your friend

I went to see my aunty and she just looked like she was asleep. Not sure what the time was between death and me seeing her but she had make up and lipstick on so perhaps that made a difference?

I also went to see my fil. He died on boxing day last year and I think it was around the 10th of jan that we went to see him. He did have slight discoloration on his face and blue lips but apart from that he looked asleep too.

I have no regrets about seeing them. For the first few weeks afterwards I kept getting flash backs of them in their coffins but that went away. It did bring closure for me especially as both deaths were unexpected and it didnt seem real that they were gone but now I only remember the good times

Good luck for today op

I hope your visit to the funeral home is not too distressing and that you have no regrets. I have seen countless deceased bodies from going to funeral homes over many years. My mum looked slightly different but now all I remember of her is when she was alive. I'm sure the undertaker will have looked after your friends body and she will be laid out in her clothes and possibly even have had make up put on. My dad looked better laid out than he did when he died! He'd failed so much before he died, but the undertaker had managed to fill his face out a bit. Personally, I think it's better to see the person and attend the funeral as part of my grieving process. Thinking of you now as you are nearing 10am.

I have never been to an open casket funeral I am surprised so many people are suggesting that that is the norm.

I saw my Gran after she had passed I live on the other side of the country and it helped for me to have closure and realise that she wasn't just going to be there every time I went home. Her face was a little more sunken than usual and she had very odd bruising due to the cancer which came out in death much more prominently but it wasn't distressing that's just what her body had done

Thinking of you just now x

💐

Thinking of you and hoping you made the right choice for you.

I have sadly seen many family members and friends after death and haven’t regretted it. I was sad that one of my Aunty’s had a closed coffin, but my cousins wanted that. I couldn’t see my Nana and I really, really wanted to. I’d never not go and see someone. When my Dad died I went every day up to and including the morning of his funeral. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to just sit and talk to him.

It’s so very personal, no right or wrong.

I’m so sorry about your friend dying, life can be so bloody unfair.

Lots of love
💐

Thank you all xxxx

I went and I'm so glad that I did. She looked at peace. And she wasn't there. Just her body. I didn't touch her though and I'm glad about too.

We were warned that she wouldn't look the same, but she did to me. They had done a wonderful job of hair and make up.

She looked like she was asleep and I couldn't help thinking that she was going to open her eyes or sit up. I and DD actually had a little giggle over the very idea while we were in there! Because it was so horrifying 😂

I didn't feel the need to speak to her or sing or pray or anything. She wasn't there. It's given me a real sense of closure and I'm ready to say goodbye at the funeral tomorrow. Goodbye to my dear, dear friend Clare xxx

I went to view my DF in the funeral home following his death from cancer. I only went because my DM wanted to go and she couldn't face it alone. My DF had been dressed in some clothes that I had provided, but he'd lost so much weight during the last few months of his life that they just swamped him. He was obviously cold to the touch due to having been refrigerated. His eyes seemed very sunken (I think they secure the eyelids and mouth shut so that they don't involuntary open as the body deteriorates).

On the second visit I took with me a photo of the family which I put in his hands. I don't regret going, because it's been 16 months now and the memory is not as vivid as my happy memories of him, but given the choice I probably wouldn't have gone if my DM hadn't needed me to. I'd been with him in the hospice when he died, so I'd already said my goodbyes.

I’m so pleased it made you feel better. God bless Clare xx

I'm glad you feel it was the right choice OP.

DH has very recently been in the same situation, BIL passed away on Dec 23rd. MIL and his other brother went to see him and are glad they did but DH decided against it. We only saw BIL 3 days before (it was completely out of the blue) and he was his usual self, playing the fool and dancing around with our and his DC, DH wants that to be his lasting memory. I don't think there's ever a set right or wrong in these situations.

Aw I'm so glad you feel it was the right decision and that she looked like she was sleeping. Mind yourself over the coming days of the funeral - it will take its toll.

Figgygal where I'm from we were brought to funerals as kids and we walked around coffins of people we didn't even know (obviously our parents knew them though). It's pretty normal to go to funeral homes as part of the overall funeral here, especially if you cannot make the funeral mass. There could be quite a queue into the funeral home if the person was well known. It's exhausting for the family as you could have hundreds of people in shaking hands and sympathising, but at the same time it's appreciated that people take the time out to pay their respects.

Wishing you all the best for the funeral tomorrow, OP. Rest in peace, Clare

💐Pandora. Rest in Peace Clare.