TRIGGERING - should I go and view my friends body in the chapel before the funeral?

[pandoraphile]

I've got a couple of threads elsewhere about her death. She had cancer and died quite quickly, just before Christmas. She was one of my best friends and I'm struggling to process that she's gone. I've never viewed a body before. I have no idea whether to go or not. Anybody have any advice?? The funeral is next Wednesday.

Saw my Mum in funeral parlour and did not really think it looked like her - she looked smaller than I remembered, and since she had been a huge influence in my life - not always for good - it seemed weird to see her so reduced. I only went to be by Dad's side during the process.

I did not go and see my Dad - I simply did not feel the need to.

It is quite clinical. A viewing room is next to the mortuary. She will not have clothes on. She would be laying on a trolley bed with a sheet over her body, face uncovered.

Oh please, this is totally incorrect. She’s at the undertaker therefore she’ll be dressed in either her own clothes or a shroud and laid in a coffin. Don’t make it sound worse due to ignorance.

I’m so sorry to hear about your best friend it’s a personal choice, of course, but also one that’s hard to tell how you will react. Personally, sitting with my nan as she died and seeing her dead has affected my mental health beyond imagination so I wish that I hadent. I would probably say that if your not sure- don’t.
I hope you make the right choice for you & find some peace soon xx

My dad died at home a year ago and I was with him so felt no need to go to the funeral home . However my mum wanted to but couldn't face seeing him again as he had already started to look different before he was taken by the undertaker after his death.
So we went to sit in the chapel of rest with his coffin closed which seemed a bit of a strange thing to me but it was nice and it did help all of us so maybe you could compromise and do that . Then you can spend a bit of time alone with your friend and say anything you want to say before her funeral.
So v sorry for your loss x

I didn't go and see any of my grandparents at the funeral home and have never regretted it. I'm of belief that all that makes them who they were has gone, and all that's left is the empty vessel. But that's just my personal opinion, other family members said went and said they looked and peaceful and got comfort from it.

My sister went to see mum when she died and was very upset as she didn't "look" right, her hair hadn't been done right and my sister found it very upsetting. I didn't go as I wanted to remember mum as she was, and hearing my sister's description upset me, although I never had to "see" it and try to forget it, IYSWIM. I've never regretted not going but my sister wished she hadn't.
It's very difficult as everyone's different. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Do you want your last visual memory of your DFriend to be of her alive or dead? Sorry to put it so bluntly.
You can never un-see it.
And do the family know you are going?
It could be a bit rude for you to go uninvited - they might not want anyone to view. It would be polite to check first.
Just attending the funeral will make it 'real', won't it?

Sympathies with your loss - losing friends is very, very hard, IME.

I saw my gm about a week after she died in the chapel of rest. I instantly regretted it and the image of her in their stuck with me for years. I vowed never to do that again. Sadly I ended up seeing another relative in the chapel of rest about a decade later and again I regretted it. Since then I have lost several close family members. I have made the decision to not see them in the chapel. I have no regrets at all. I was with my grandad when he died. He looked peaceful but he had literally just died. I think by the time a person has been dead for a few days, even with skilled undertakers they look different.
I hope you can make a decision that is right for you. Sorry about your loss.

I saw my grandad and I was initially shocked and it stuck with me for a while BUT 20 years later I am pleased I did and regret that I didn't do it with my GM.

I was with DH's GF when he died and so we didn't view his body.

It's a very personal decision, don't be rushed into anything. Funerals are also there for us to say our goodbyes. X

Hi, sorry to hear of your loss. I was in exact same situation with my aunt who I loved dearly. I decided to view the body before the funeral and I was surprised by how much comfort it gave me. For me it felt like my aunt was gone and all that was there was the vessel in which she had lived her life and she had now departed it. If you know what I mean. I am not hugely religious but I do believe there is more than this life on earth. Hope it goes ok for you.

Viewing the body or staying with them for a period of time after death is a part of my culture and I really value it. For the most part it's just tradition, but when someone really significant to me has died I've found it helpful. For one, i knew i was going to cry my heart out and arranged to be alone. Someone joined me and I've never been able to really let go that he interrupted my goddbyes. It can be really valuable. It's common to kiss a cheek or place a hand on theirs and this cream be helpful. As I've attended funerals and seen the dead bodies from youngest childhood i can't imagine what it will be like for you. Perhaps you could have someone waiting nearby in case it unsettles you, especially as you don't know what to expect.

So so personal. In many ways I wish I hadn’t seen my mum afterwards. She wasn’t ‘my mum’ any more - she had clearly gone and it was her empty shell. I had to keep trying to replace that last image of her with how I really wanted to remember her. I was with my dad when he died he was on a ventilator but again, I knew he wasn’t there any more - his essence/soul/life force had gone. Personally, unless you really feel the need, I would say it’s best to remember them how they were. Sorry for your loss.

Like flapjack fairy we went to sit with DDad’s closed coffin. I didn’t want to see him- he died in another part of the country and there was a PM so a few days had passed. The funeral director actually suggested seeing the coffin so the first time we saw it with him in was in private and not at the funeral. That may be an option if you change your mind... so sorry for your loss.

I went to see my df afterwards and I SO wish I hadn't. I sat with him overnight the night he died and watched him take his last breath. I felt privileged to spend his last hours with him, holding his hand and stroking his brow. I hated seeing him in his coffin though and can't shake the mental image. I wasn't with my dm when she died. I didn't go and see her afterwards and have never regretted it for one minute.

I didn't go and see my friend. She was 29 and died in a crash. My last memory of her is her gloating about quitting smoking (oh the irony), not her as a corpse. And I am so glad. So glad that in my mind's eye, she's still alive.

Bluetrews - my current last memory of her is in the hospital when she was very, very sick. She died the next day. I'm thinking that she could seem more at peace now.

I'm not intruding. The family messaged to say what was possible and I rang the undertakers and made an appointment. As have others.

No, my father always said remember themas they were. MIL demanded to see FIL the next day at the hospice and she nearly fainted as he had been there overnight and had deteriorated. She saw him again a few days later at the funeral directors and said he looked more ‘normal’. DH and me didn’t see him. I didn’t see my gran or my father either...I remember them alive. There is no right or wrong though.

For closure for you it may be a good idea if you think you can cope with it.

I think (hope), that my situation is not the norm.I went to see my Mum at the funeral home, and however they had embalmed her and done whatever it is they do, they had set her mouth in a really strange way. It didn't look like her and was quite unnerving/creepy. They had photos of her before, and a family friend works there, but it was not like her. My sisters, step-dad, and aunt all found it as traumatic as me. I would always have chosen to view a close relative/friend, but that experience traumatised me so much I don't know if I could anymore. My husband has said that that has ensured that he will never view anyone.

My mother had horrible memories of being forced to view bodies as a child and sheltered me from that experience growing up. I’ve worked in care homes, hospitals and a funeral directors in my time and became much more pragmatic about the whole business. I feel that it’s a useful thing to do, to see that they really have gone. Personally I’ve never felt that it supercedes happier memories of the person you’ve lost, but it is a personal choice.

My best advice, based on various experiences, good and bad, is to visit your friend in the Chapel of Rest but ask for the coffin to be closed. I generally wouldn't recommend viewing her body. It is not that there is anything to be frightened of, and some people feel it helps them to accept the death, but your loved one will probably not look like you remember them or want to remember them.

I found being able to spend that time quietly alone with a loved one very helpful. Sit in silent thought, cry, talk or sing to her, read something significant, pray - whatever you feel is right. You can also take a little momento to be put in her coffin with her. I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Mum at the funeral home, and however they had embalmed her and done whatever it is they do, they had set her mouth in a really strange way

Hushabyelullaby - I didn't say it in my earlier post but that's exactly what I felt when I saw my df. I couldn't stop looking at his mouth and wondering why it looked twisted. It meant he didn't look like himself. It was only afterwards that I realised it was probably wired shut. That's the mental image I just can't get out of my mind.

But that's just my own take on it. I would never discourage anyone from viewing a dead body as we all feel differently. Mind you, I wouldn't encourage anyone to do so either or suggest that it might give them 'closure'.

Whether or not it is an "open casket" depends on the body. My Mum had to be closed with a photo of her on the lid. I had already seen Mum at the morgue, so didn't feel the need to go see her at the funeral parlour. I don't know if any of the family did or not.
When my Dad died, again, I saw him at the home where he'd been for the last 4 years. He had open casket at the parlour, but none of the family visited because he no longer looked like the person they had known for all their lives.
In Mum's case, the funeral directors weren't sure why, but she turned green after death. Me and Dad asked if we could change one of the funeral songs to suit. Mum would have approved of the change, but the funeral directors refused.

My best friend died suddenly last year at 42. We live hundreds of miles away, so I hadn't seen her for a few months. I found I really needed to go and see her. There was so much I had to say to her. She had a closed coffin as nobody else had wanted to see her, so they had sealed it up by the time I got there. I sat in the room with her for a long time and spoke to her and cried and hugged her coffin. I was on my own. For me it was about having the chance to speak to her, but she had died so suddenly, just dropped dead from a brain haemorrhage, so no chance to tell her how much I loved her (we are repressed Scots who never mentioned such things😉).

I went to see my friend when he died, all of us dressed him in his favourite outfit and put items to show our love for him in his coffin and kissed him one last time.
Some might think it was morbid but I feel death is so much part of life, I wanted to share that with him as well as all of the good times.

The coffin might already be closed anyway, either because the next of kin has requested that, the deceased previously made their wishes for that known, or the undertakers decide it is better because of the length of time passed. Whether or not it is closed, you can certainly ask for that to be done before you go in, and many people do.