TRIGGERING - should I go and view my friends body in the chapel before the funeral?

[pandoraphile]

I've got a couple of threads elsewhere about her death. She had cancer and died quite quickly, just before Christmas. She was one of my best friends and I'm struggling to process that she's gone. I've never viewed a body before. I have no idea whether to go or not. Anybody have any advice?? The funeral is next Wednesday.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have a network of support around you at this very sad time.

I cannot give you advice - ultimately it is your choice and you must do what you feel is right for you at that time.

But I can give you my experiences. I went to see my friend in the chapel of rest nearly 30 years ago. We were 17. It affected me greatly. His parents were there too as we were very close, so I saw all their reactions too. To this day, if I close my eyes I can see him lying in the coffin.
He didn't look different but his hands were blue.
I'm sure I would have coped better had I been older.

My mum died 7 years ago. I didn't go to see her in the chapel of rest for numerous reasons - I was with her when she died and spent time with her afterwards, I said my goodbye then. So I didn't feel any genuine need to go and see her later on. I don't regret this decision at all. But my decision also stemmed from my mum's outlook on life - she was very matter of fact & I knew she'd be saying "Why you coming to look at my dead body you weirdo? Just put me in the bin!"

I hope that whatever decision you make gives you peace in your heart. Find strength from those around you and cherish the memories you and your friend made. Grief is strange and awful, but normal. You learn to live with it & in time you will smile when you think of your friend x

It's such a personal decision. I've seen dead patients through work a number of times, and was with both my in laws when they died so am familiar with death. That said, I chose not to see either of my parents after death, and like you I recently lost my best friend. I wanted to remember her as the lovely vibrant person she was, and felt that seeing her would leave me with a memory that would get in the way if that makes sense? Sending you tough times for you.

It depends where you view her. If you see her at the funeral directors she will be clothed and in an open coffin, and the undertaker will have tried to make her look peaceful. I saw each of my GPs after they died. I hadn't been there when they died and I think I needed the closure of knowing they were really gone. You could always ring the undertaker and ask if she looks peaceful before you decide. I found it helpful. If you were with your friend when she died you may not need that closure.

I went to see my nan in the chapel of rest. I was with her in hospital when she died but I think if I'd not seen her at the chapel of rest I would never have got my head around the fact that my nan was in that coffin.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here but for me I went because it was my last chance ever to see her. She was dressed in her own clothes and looked exactly like she was having a peaceful sleep. It definitely helped to soften some of the more brutal memories from the hospital.

I wouldn't go. I can only see mt FIL as he was in his coffin, and not as the lovely man he was. I didn't see my Mum either, I was there when she died, so didn't want to go and view her.

I didn't see my Nan in the chapel of rest until 3 weeks after she died because of red tape involved in moving her body. The people in the parlour did a really good job of hiding the deterioration.
I was glad I went, it gave me closure.
Sorry for your loss

Yes, she's in the funeral home. I had assumed open coffin.....??

I am truly dreading this funeral. I can't believe she's gone. I just can't. It's not real.

Yes they take the lid off the coffin.

Everything will seem surreal at the moment, almost like you are watching it all happen to someone else, but you are acutely aware it's happening to you, if that makes sense.

The funeral will be surreal too & you may feel like "I shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be here, this shouldn't be happening."

It does get easier with time, it really does. You learn to carry on and 'live with it'.
You will enjoy life again - you may not believe that right now, but you will x

My best friend died very suddenly in May last year

I chose not to see him because of several reasons, mainly that I couldn't face seeing him not alive, he was only 32 and full of life

Also when I was considering it the funeral home said because of the length of time between him dying and his body being released that it would be unpleasant as he had 'changed'

I'm glad I didn't see him, I can remember him as he was. When I close my eyes I can see him, alive and laughing rather than dead in a coffin

I'm sorry about your friend

I am in a VERY similar position.

I chose to go and view my friend in the chapel of rest a few days ago. It was a strange experience, but I think it's helped me.

For me, it wasn't her. It was her body. Her spirit, soul etc and everything that she was is somewhere else. It helped reinforce things for me as I found it very difficult to believe she'd gone.

A very individual choice and I'm sorry for your loss.

I would go to see her at the funeral home but be prepared she may not look "herself" and if you do want to gently stroke her hand or face, or even a brief kiss on the cheek, she will probably feel icy cold. Remember this is just her physical body and that her spirit, and everything else that gave your lovely friend her special characteristics, will always be there in your heart.

Op, if she is in a chapel of rest at a funeral parlour, she will be in an open casket, and fully clothed, possibly with 'make up' which the technicians can use to make the person appear a more normal pallor, and with hair 'done' and tidy, and eyes will of course be closed.

There won't be the shock of anything awful to see. Just that it can be shocking to see the person you love without any of the animation that imbues a face with life, even in illness. And the frozen expression may not resemble the person you remember, although that's not necessarily the case, of course.

The body will be cold, because of the refrigeration needed to preserve it for viewing.

I went to see my grandad after he died, mainly because I was carrying so much guilt over not seeing him in his last days. It was strange and upsetting. I don’t regret it but I wouldn’t say it helped me at all.

When my Nan died I decided not to view her body, mainly due to my previous experience but also because I was more at peace with our last meeting.

Sorry for your loss. Do you think you’d regret it if you didn’t visit? If you don’t believe you would, then you don’t need to go. You’ll feel more closure after the funeral anyway. The wait between a death and the funeral is a strange, surreal time.

Sent too soon. Meant to add, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I remember having to steel myself to go and see my Mum, and as I mentioned before, I sort of wish I hadn't, with hindsight, but felt compelled to at the time.

What is it you think you'll regret if you don't go?

It's a very personal thing. I can only tell you my own experiences and how I feel about it. I saw my Nan laid out by the undertakers in her own house. So in the exact same way she would've been in a funeral parlour but in her living room. I found it upsetting and during the funeral Ibwas just picturing her inside the lidded coffin because that was the last time I'd seen her. The actual body wasn't frightening. She just looked 'empty' (?) and clearly not there anymore. I was in my teens then though so maybe too young.

When my Dad died I saw him before the undertakers came and then I didn't want to see him again at the funeral parlour. Others did and said he looked like himself. I coped with the funeral etc, by slightly detaching myself. I don't think it would've made me feel any different now and I'm ok with my choice. It was the right one for me.

What I will say is perhaps speak to one of her siblings or relatives other than her partner, parents or children and tell them you're going if that's what you decide. I think they'd like to know. They might want to be the very last ones who see her and kiss her.

I am very sorry for your loss.

God sorry my last paragraph makes no sense. I meant the relative can tell the closer relatives that you'll be going to see her. Then those closer relatives will know about it.

The difficulty is that you may not know if it is the right decision until you do it. I saw my grandfather at the funeral home when I was 13. It didn't look like him. He looked... waxy. Since then two other of my GPs have died and I have chosen not to see either of them. For me it's much better to remember them as they were when they were alive.

My friend died suddenly aged 41 just over a year ago. I still have some very sad moments and read the last few texts between us sometimes.

I was with my Father when he died but due to practical reasons had to go back in to his room a couple of hours later, I wish I hadn’t.

I could not attend my friends funeral due to my own health issues but I arranged my Fathers and spoke at his funeral.

I can still barely discuss my own daughters death and funeral as too painful.

All people I loved in different ways the way I have dealt with their deaths is a little different there is no right way to grieve.

I would say definitely do it. I did it with both my parents - and my father-in-law - and it gave me closure. I would have regretted it if I hadn’t.

They look slightly different. You can tell their spirit has left their body so the burial or cremation doesn’t seem so bad.

I went to see my mum at the funeral home last year, and I'm glad I did, although it wasn't her any more, if that makes sense. I was with her when she died, after a long battle with leukaemia, so got to say my goodbyes then, but at the funeral home she was dressed in her normal clothes again. She'd been in a nightie and dressing gown for so long while ill, so I needed to see her how she'd been before she was ill, even though she no longer looked like her, if that makes sense??

Be prepared if you do go, they can look really quite different, especially if it's a while since they died. Personally I'm glad I went, but my brother didn't want to, and he's happy with his decision.

I've bitten the bullet and made an appointment to see her on Monday. I think it feels like the right thing.

Next question - do I go alone or with someone? I'm usually pretty independent....

I went to see my Mum with a close friend of the family. It did help me to be able to voice my disquiet to someone who understood. It would have been hard for me to deal with a) the apprehension beforehand and b) the reality of how she looked, without someone else there. In fact the friend encouraged me to speak to the (lovely) undertaker about how I felt. Mum had had such a full open face in life and was left looking pinched and drawn. Not their fault, I think it just happens like that sometimes, but they said they would do what they could, and I did go back (on my own) and she looked slightly better, but still not the lovely face I had known, of course.

I went with my cousin. We were the oldest grandchildren and he was dependable and comforting.
We all have good humour, so we cried a little, and ironically laughed in that room with her. So hard to explain.

Someone earlier said you know their spirit has gone so the cremation/burial isn’t as much of an issue. I think that really reasoned with me.

My gran was buried and I am comforted by being able to visit her too

Sorry for your loss
I was with both my dad and grandma when they died (one in hospital and one at home). We stayed with them for about an hour after they had died to talk to them and comfort each other. Once they had died they looked like a waxwork of themselves and became cold to touch. Didnt go to view at the funeral home as id been there at their passing, and the souls that we dearly loved werent there any more. I hope you find comfort in seeing them.