DS upset after school - do I correct the teacher or let it go?

[cjt110]

Please be gentle as I am suffering massively at the moment with anxiety and my paranoia is sky high so may be skewing my judgment.

DS is 4 and in reception. Over Christmas he has gone a bit amiss with his behaviour and giddy to boot.

He got home from school today (went back yesterday) and DH texted me that DS was upset about something at school. Saying he had broken something in class and that he had to go to the office. DH had tried to understand what was what but DS wasn't making much sense.

I gave school a quick call and spoke with his teacher who explained she had had a discussion with the whole class about not touching her wall displays - that the kids were always trying to get the blu-tac. She said DS had come to her with one of the phonics letters torn and scrunched up in his hand. When she asked him he said he hadn't done it. She said she had gotten cross with him for damaging the laminated/paper phonic. DS told the teacher when asked that it wasn't him. She said she didn't know if it was him but he had the scrunched up paper in his hand. At that moment the deputy head was walking past and came in and also had a word with DS.

I checked, again with the teacher what the item was and was told it was laminated card.

The teacher did say it was over and dealt with, this morning, within a minute and he'd been fine for the rest of the day. I did say he has a tendancy to remember and fret over things for some time.

I called to relay this to DH and DS said he had some bad news, told me he had torn a letter and that he was sorry. He said that he and another child had done it. That he had taken it to the teacher and the teacher had told him off.

Part of me is cross. It seems OTT to "get cross" with a 4 year old without knowing if they did the act. It also seems OTT to then have the deputy head speak to him.

I am mindful it may be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other but I feel cross or my boy that he has been told off, when he may not have been entirely to blame but also that not one, but TWO teachers took it upon themselves to tell him off.

Do I speak to her, and potentially be that mum, or just ride it out?

Oh dear. You have an interesting 10+ years ahead if you react like this to your son being told off. I really do feel for teachers.

You've already phoned and you want to speak to them again?!

Teach your kid to respect property.

And this is why some kids can't take criticism once they get to secondary school, think they're untouchable and that rules don't apply to them. He did something wrong, lied about it and got a telling off. And you want to chin the teacher about it? Really? 🙄

Whether it was leftover chewing gum, an apple or the Crown Jewels, it’s about respecting other people’sproperty And adhering to rules.

I’ve had kids ripping flowers and on one occasion chasing our elderly cat during a play date. I calmly explained the rules. She continued to ignore them. When I told the mum, her response was ‘well, it’s wasnt that bad, only a few flowers and the cat’s ok?’ The kid is now beyond handful. That was the last play date with us and her.

Your child was told off for deliberately destroying something. And probably got an ‘oh dear’ or something off another passing teacher. It doesn’t matter whether what he destroyed was a rare artefact or a laminated number 5 the fact is that he isn’t the only one peeling stuff off the walls and if the teacher just let it go on it would mean a hell of a lot of lost TA time reprinting, laminating, cutting and replacing things only for them to be ruined again.
I wouldn’t bother going in to tell the teacher that another child was involved as well. You will only highlight the fact that your son lied about being involved himself.
Just tell him not to do silly things and he won’t get told off.

Your being precious about your son OP, he did something wrong, and was disciplined accordingly.

My guess judging from your reaction and his, that he's not told off much at home for his behaviour, as you seem to be finding excuses for him. Regardless of it being a paper or a diamond, he did something he shouldn't have done.

You need to take a deep breath, see this as a learing curve and move on.

Missmarples, I would have baulked receiving a letter like that. I have had children at school for 11 years and only needed to speak to teachers a handful of times.

It is an adult relationship which is precisely why we should feel able to talk openly and honestly to our children's teachers if we feel a particular approach may not work best for our child- eg too harsh a punishment may backfire and make behaviour worse or have a knock on effect at home or a hands off approach, letting a child learn from their mistakes may not help a child with mild problems with executive function.

If we as parents can be prone to making the odd mistake then so can teachers. In fact, in a class of 30, I would imagine this would be easier still than in a quieter family setting .

I do agree that some parents can be combative but, in my experience they are in the minority to be dealt with individually. I don't think it warrants a patronising letter to go out to every parent, who should be credited with a certain amount of common sense.

Unless this is a school.which doesn't like discussion of any kind

It's a private school.

I'm assuming lots of "i pay your wages" parents kicking off when little Ptolomy gets into trouble (rightly so) and never accepting that kids DO make mistakes, do the wrong thing etc.

It also acknowledged teachers make mistakes in the letter.

It's spot on though. I spend a lot of time dealing with shite I shouldn't have to. Kids who turn up in incorrect uniform and then refuse to correct it (hoodies). Phones. Bane of my life.

Most parents are supportive but there's plenty that kick off when you tell them their darling did NOT refuse to hand over their phone, they need it 24/7 etc etc and it's blatant bullshit. I have enough to do without that....

In the nicest possible way, you need to let this go.
Remember the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child"? The school are helping you to raise your boy by teaching him acceptable behaviour. They are helping you by reinforcing your moral teaching at home.
They don't hate your son. I doubt the teachers have given the incident another thought!
Be grateful for their support.
(And that of all the sports coaches, scout leaders, community police officers, who will continue to point your DS in the right direction as he grows up).

Fair enough. I was coming from the angle of a large state primary, where the head was notorious for ignoring parental opinion and, even when OFSTED recommended improvements, he still didn't budge. This attitude filtered right down and some of the staff were arrogant, too. Those who weren't tended to move on

The lying would be a bigger deal than the display to be and I think the teacher was a little soft tbh. I'd have let the school deal with it as they saw fit and then another, harsher punishment at home for the lie.

Teacher doesn't need correcting. Your DS damaged the display and was told off.

What happens with the other child (or what doesn't) is none of your concern. If your DS doesn't like getting told of then maybe he should respect the school property and leave it alone as instructed by the teachers.

It's a good thing really that he's so upset about being told off...it's when it doesn't bother him that it's time to worry!

I haven’t read every response but some of the people responding aren’t taking into account the heightened anxiety you’ve said your feeling at the moment. I have anxiety issues especially around parenting and it is super hard to see logically and keep things in perspective when your brain goes into fight or flight. So be kind to yourself and know that your son’s behaviour sounds completely normal. He owned up to it with the teacher and to you. He did something wrong, but he did good in his follow up. You’ve done good too!

Teacher did good in her response too! Ok, so the other person wasn’t told off, but meh, it tends to happen. Teachers are generally good at getting to the bottom of who did what and when if it’s more of a bigger problem to deal with. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If my DC think something’s unfair then I just explain that sometimes life can be a little unfair (not going to be the first time that life will give them a (albeit it very small) lemon) but that the teacher was right to tell him off. It’s done now and he can move on! Tomorrow is a new day!

Don’t worry about it. These things happen all the time. Kids do daft things. The teacher will have forgotten about it already.

Apologies as I haven't rt(whole)ft, but to the OP's comment:
"was it a piece of paper that can be reprinted and laminated or a precious artifact never to be seen on this earth again."

I'd say - the teacher has spent a lot of time in their summer 'holidays' preparing a variety of resources, so that their classroom, is a pleasant and stimulating learning environment for their class.

Your child (and another) have destroyed 1/26 letters. So the teacher will now need to spend time:

• finding the right image again
• print the single letter they need (wasting the rest of the paper)
• cut it out
• laminate the single letter again (wasting the rest of the laminating pouch)
• cut the laminated image out

So no, its not a 'precious artifact', but it will take a disproportionate amount of time, effort and resources to replace it.

Should the teacher just accept having to waste time and resources like this after every day/week/lesson when a kid decides to trash something?

Plus, in these times of tight budgets / funding cuts, coloured printing ink and laminating pouches will be in short supply. I left teaching a few years ago and even then I was given a limit for how much colour printing I could do and 50 laminating pouches to last the year! If we wanted more we had to buy them from our wages. I imagine allowances are even more stringent now.

Dd (now at high school) got into trouble with another girl at age 5 for talking in assembly (probably when they'd been told not to) and had to write an apology letter with a TA at lunchtime.
She came home upset and worried that she'd got into "big trouble." I just said "Don't worry about it, the teachers that know you will know how well behaved you usually are. They won't think you are naughty and it will be forgotten about." It was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders!
She hasn't been in trouble since, although she is 11, so who knows what sort of teenager she'll be!

He did something he was told not to do and then lied about it.
Why on earth would you 'correct the teacher'? Correct her for what???