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Original poster

DS upset after school - do I correct the teacher or let it go?

118 replies

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:15

Please be gentle as I am suffering massively at the moment with anxiety and my paranoia is sky high so may be skewing my judgment.

DS is 4 and in reception. Over Christmas he has gone a bit amiss with his behaviour and giddy to boot.

He got home from school today (went back yesterday) and DH texted me that DS was upset about something at school. Saying he had broken something in class and that he had to go to the office. DH had tried to understand what was what but DS wasn't making much sense.

I gave school a quick call and spoke with his teacher who explained she had had a discussion with the whole class about not touching her wall displays - that the kids were always trying to get the blu-tac. She said DS had come to her with one of the phonics letters torn and scrunched up in his hand. When she asked him he said he hadn't done it. She said she had gotten cross with him for damaging the laminated/paper phonic. DS told the teacher when asked that it wasn't him. She said she didn't know if it was him but he had the scrunched up paper in his hand. At that moment the deputy head was walking past and came in and also had a word with DS.

I checked, again with the teacher what the item was and was told it was laminated card.

The teacher did say it was over and dealt with, this morning, within a minute and he'd been fine for the rest of the day. I did say he has a tendancy to remember and fret over things for some time.

I called to relay this to DH and DS said he had some bad news, told me he had torn a letter and that he was sorry. He said that he and another child had done it. That he had taken it to the teacher and the teacher had told him off.

Part of me is cross. It seems OTT to "get cross" with a 4 year old without knowing if they did the act. It also seems OTT to then have the deputy head speak to him.

I am mindful it may be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other but I feel cross or my boy that he has been told off, when he may not have been entirely to blame but also that not one, but TWO teachers took it upon themselves to tell him off.

Do I speak to her, and potentially be that mum, or just ride it out?

OP posts:

Original poster

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:34

MsTSwift Oh believe me, he gets told off at home when he's in the wrong. Many a telling off has happened at home over christmas believe me.

I know, my OP was just a surprise that he'd been told off at school as we haven't had that before, that he is STILL upset about it at 4pm even though it happened this morning and that the teacher said she didnt know whether he had done it or not.

With a clearer mind thanks to the replies, I can it would be stupid to run snivelling "Uh excuse me Miss but it wasn't just my boy who did it but X too"

I think I'm also cross - at DS - that he's been naughty enough to be told off and remember it so much later on.

OP posts:

RavenWings · 08/01/2019 16:35

It's actually OK for him to get used to being told off - I never did and was as good as I possibly could be to the extent I got really anxious about it. and I still hate being told off now! The sooner he learns to shake it off the better.

This in a nutshell op. It's normal in a school, he needs to be used to being corrected. He was doing something he wasn't supposed to. Make a card or say sorry if you like - not strictly necessary, personally I think a talk along the lines of shaking it off and not repeating it is better. You don't want him dwelling on it or building into a big problem.

As for lying, a chat re: what he should have said is a good idea, and praise for telling the truth at the end. Kids lie about things, it's normal, but it should be corrected.

abbsisspartacus · 08/01/2019 16:35

He was told off twice for one incident? That's the bit I dislike if he was told off the once he probably would have got over it by the end of the day twice seems overkill unless the deputy thinks the teacher is too soft Maybe? Or your ds is a trouble maker?

Either way one telling off for a four year old should be adequate the deputy is in the wrong he undermines the teacher

Saying that let it go this time if they jump on him again like that then maybe ask about the behaviour policy

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DaphneFanshaw · 08/01/2019 16:35

Oh and don’t worry about your ds too much, he is still so young and was probably worrried about getting in to trouble, hence the lieing.

BrylcreamBeret · 08/01/2019 16:36

You might be stamped as 'that parent' for life if you approach the school with this er situation? So I really wouldn't. Talk to your son about the importance of telling the truth, not destroying property and admitting when he's wrong.

However, even I think it's way too small an issue to warrant two teachers being involved. It's a ripped piece of paper, he didn't shave the class hamster. Have a cup of tea and let this go op :)

DaphneFanshaw · 08/01/2019 16:36

Lying ffs

Original poster

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:36

@Mookatron Yes, even as a fully fledged grown-up I feel anxious and sick at any form of reprisal.

I could just fucking cry. His behaviour over Christmas has done a complete flip and I'm ashamed he's been naughty at school.

My anxiety is really messing with my perception of everything right now.

OP posts:

ShalomJackie · 08/01/2019 16:37

Just leave it now.

He was told off at school so no need to tell him off again for the actual naughtiness - just the lying about it.

As he is at his Dad's I just wouldn't raise it again with your son unless he does and then I would just say well you were naughty and then told off but you really shouldn't lie to people.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 08/01/2019 16:37

But what would you be correcting OP?
He tore something and was told off about it so the teacher did nothing wrong.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/01/2019 16:37

This is really strange OP. You are cross that your son got told off for something he did do, but had said he hadn't. I'm guessing the teacher knew it was him all along, she could probably see him fiddling with it.

Mookatron · 08/01/2019 16:38

Ugh, it's awful cjt110. But don't confuse your feelings with his. Sorry you are feeling shit but he will probably bounce out of bed feeling tomorrow is a new day. Just don't make it all too heavy and it'll come out in the wash

FrLukeDuke · 08/01/2019 16:39

It must be really exasperating for her and cause extra work if she's made an effort with the display and the kids keep damaging it. At least hopefully he will stop now

RavenWings · 08/01/2019 16:39

Saying that let it go this time if they jump on him again like that then maybe ask about the behaviour policy

Oh please. The deputy was walking past, saw the teacher holding a firm conversation and popped the head in to do a performative reinforcing of what the teacher was saying. A "oh I'm very surprised to hear that Miss X, what a shame the beautiful display is damaged" or whatever is entirely normal in a school.

Onatreebyariver · 08/01/2019 16:39

God please don’t be that parent. He tore a letter. He knows not to. He got told off

Maybe next time he won’t tear the letter. Poor teacher.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 16:40

His response sounds normal OP - I am not sure yours is.

He did something he wasnt suppose to - then he showed the teacher - panicked and lied (she probably knew that) got told off - due to circumstances got told off by the deputy head. Then felt bad for doing it and got upset when he told you.

It sounds like something quite a few parents would have happened today - and most of us have had happen in the time our children have been at school

Original poster

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:40

I think her office is opposite to their classroom and she was passing. As far as I am aware, he isn't a trouble maker. Certainly not been told he is so. And I think you've hit the nail on the head. That's what I'm uneasy about... 2 tellings off for a ripped piece of paper. And even 2 tellings off for a lie when it's already been dealt with.

he didn't shave the class hamster. Exactly what I was trying to ascertain from the teacher without sounding like a prize A cunt.. was it a piece of paper that can be reprinted and laminated or a precious artifact never to be seen on this earth again.

OP posts:

ChakiraChakra · 08/01/2019 16:40

If it's the first time he's been told off at school then it doesn't surprise me that he remembers it. I still remember the first time I was told off at school! I hid somebody's putty egg because it wasn't fair she had one and I didn't, justice-warrior that I was

DaphneFanshaw · 08/01/2019 16:40

Oh op, try not to overthink this.
I used to work in foundation stage and in the grand scheme of things what your ds did really is nothing.
He forgot the rules for a while, got worried and lied when he was caught out. It’s all very normal and I doubt the teacher gave it a second thought.

Knittink · 08/01/2019 16:41

It seems a bit odd for you to say that many a telling off has happened at home over Christmas, but then get so upset about a teacher telling him off. Has he never cried when you've told him off? Tellings off happen umpteen times a day in school. Your child was bound to get told off for something eventually - nobody's perfect.

ErictheGuineaPig · 08/01/2019 16:42

You really have nothing to be ashamed of. It's his first telling off and he was upset by it so he's clearly a good kid. Christmas is not good for kids behaviour wise, I'm sure he'll settle down now he's back in a routine.

If he's still worrying about it maybe you could make a replacement letter together that he could take in? Otherwise just let him move on. He was silly but he didn't hurt anybody and it's a minor misdemeanor really.

Original poster

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:43

@Knittink I know it makes no sense. My own mind makes no bloody sense to me right now.

Thanks all. I'm going to mention it when I get home and then just let it lie.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

grasspigeons · 08/01/2019 16:43

I'm sorry to hear you are having such anxiety too - have you got some support for it.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/01/2019 16:43

Don't beat yourself up over it OP.

He is only little and reception is about teaching them to listen and sit still etc. You need to back up the teachers, tell him it's important to listen and do as he's told etc. They will have their own methods.

He'll be fine.

Have you seen your GP re your anxiety?

ChakiraChakra · 08/01/2019 16:45

he didn't shave the class hamster. Exactly what I was trying to ascertain from the teacher without sounding like a prize A cunt.. was it a piece of paper that can be reprinted and laminated or a precious artifact never to be seen on this earth again.

But should be be told off more for one than the other? A 4yo doesn't understand the difference in value and rareity... but he should understand that he was told not to touch the wall display and that he did anyway, and that the consequence for that is something unpleasant happens.

I feel a bit sorry for the teacher who has to re-cut, laminate, cut again and stick up a letter because a child shouldn't follow her instructions, and on top of that has to deal with a parent ringing her because her DC is devastated about being told off xxx

PoutySprout · 08/01/2019 16:45

Oh believe me, he gets told off at home when he's in the wrong. Many a telling off has happened at home over christmas believe me.

I think I'm also cross - at DS - that he's been naughty enough to be told off and remember it so much later on.

Tread carefully, OP. What you say will become your son’s inner voice. If everyone is telling him - and it sounds pretty frequent - that he’s naughty and he’s getting told off all the time it’s going to impact on his self worth.

If he’s spent xmas being told off by his parents and then his teacher does it on the first day back at school he’s really going to believe he’s bad to the bone.

Try flipping it around. Praise the good and ignore the bad.

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