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Original poster

DS upset after school - do I correct the teacher or let it go?

118 replies

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:15

Please be gentle as I am suffering massively at the moment with anxiety and my paranoia is sky high so may be skewing my judgment.

DS is 4 and in reception. Over Christmas he has gone a bit amiss with his behaviour and giddy to boot.

He got home from school today (went back yesterday) and DH texted me that DS was upset about something at school. Saying he had broken something in class and that he had to go to the office. DH had tried to understand what was what but DS wasn't making much sense.

I gave school a quick call and spoke with his teacher who explained she had had a discussion with the whole class about not touching her wall displays - that the kids were always trying to get the blu-tac. She said DS had come to her with one of the phonics letters torn and scrunched up in his hand. When she asked him he said he hadn't done it. She said she had gotten cross with him for damaging the laminated/paper phonic. DS told the teacher when asked that it wasn't him. She said she didn't know if it was him but he had the scrunched up paper in his hand. At that moment the deputy head was walking past and came in and also had a word with DS.

I checked, again with the teacher what the item was and was told it was laminated card.

The teacher did say it was over and dealt with, this morning, within a minute and he'd been fine for the rest of the day. I did say he has a tendancy to remember and fret over things for some time.

I called to relay this to DH and DS said he had some bad news, told me he had torn a letter and that he was sorry. He said that he and another child had done it. That he had taken it to the teacher and the teacher had told him off.

Part of me is cross. It seems OTT to "get cross" with a 4 year old without knowing if they did the act. It also seems OTT to then have the deputy head speak to him.

I am mindful it may be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other but I feel cross or my boy that he has been told off, when he may not have been entirely to blame but also that not one, but TWO teachers took it upon themselves to tell him off.

Do I speak to her, and potentially be that mum, or just ride it out?

OP posts:
ChakiraChakra · 08/01/2019 16:46

Didn't

supersop60 · 08/01/2019 16:46

It sounds pretty normal to me. He will get over it and hopefully remember not to do it again.
The teacher now has to spend time carefully cutting out another letter and laminate it.

FrLukeDuke · 08/01/2019 16:47

2 tellings off for a ripped piece of paper
He was told off for damaging the teacher's display when they'd been told not to. It's not like he accidentally ripped a bit of paper. Maybe the teacher doesn't have time to keep remaking bits of it. Hopefully he's learned his lesson now.

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MinorRSole · 08/01/2019 16:47

I wouldn't go on about it or do anything to recompense. The teacher has dealt with it and now all you need to do is back her up by saying that if he doesn't want to be told off at school he needs to behave. Just draw a line under it and move on.

I understand it's hard to get used to other people disciplining your children but it's also necessary and will probably help you with his behaviour at home.

As to what he destroyed, that is pretty irrelevant. The last thing you want to be teaching him is that it's ok to destroy property if it's deemed less valuable. I think it's really important for children to learn that they should respect other people's belongings regardless of how unimportant it may seem to someone else.

Original poster
cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:48

@PoutySprout I think that's called the butterfly effect? School apparently do this.

@ChakiraChakra I didnt say either way my feelings when I called... Just rang to ask what had gone on because he'd come home upset saying he'd broken something and had to go to the office.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 08/01/2019 16:49

It seems, from what the teacher said, it was all over in a minute and he did tear the letter, even if it was in collaboration with another child. So all seems fine to me, a telling off is not unusual for young children when they've done something they shouldn't and it doesn't sound as though it lasted long. All over!

Original poster
cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:49

As to what he destroyed, that is pretty irrelevant. Agree completely.

He doesn't ever do anything like that at home.

OP posts:
Mousewithascarf · 08/01/2019 16:50

I’d let it go now. He’s 4 and the incident is over and done with. No need to get him to write a sorry letter. Best not dwell on it any more. Two tellings off was a bit OTT but it’s best that lying about doing something is nipped in the bud early. At 4 they’re just starting to learn the very beginnings of what’s right and wrong and it’s important to know that It’s better to just own up to your wrongdoings.

Original poster
cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:50

Thanks all again for your perspectives on this. Perhaps I didn't name the thread in the best way

#anxietysucks

OP posts:
Miane · 08/01/2019 16:52

He was told off and he lied. If the deputy head took him off to talk about it I’d suspect there might be a little bit more to his behaviour when confronted with the lie too.

I’d be cross about the destruction and I’d be very cross about the lie. That’s what you should be focusing on.

That fact that someone else was involved doesn’t lessen your child’s responsibility at all.

I’d be discussing with him whether he feels upset that he destroyed someone’s hard work or whether he feels upset that he was caught. Explain the difference.

I’d be explaining why lying always makes things worse. I’ve explained to my D.C. that politicians are almost always sacked for the lie, not for the original mistake.

I’d ask him to consider how the teacher feels about her work being damaged, her class being interrupted (once for the incident and again to speak to you) and potentially embarrassed in front of her boss.

I might have him write an apology to the teacher or draw a picture.

This is a small incident, it’s not important. The lesson he learns from it though is very important.

He needs to see you back up at he school, not be distracted by his tears.

Flowers Parenting can be trying. Smile

HarrySnotter · 08/01/2019 16:53

Och it's all over and done with now and the school have dealt with it. He did something he shouldn't and it's been handled.

Don't be too hard on him OP, he's only 4 and obviously knows he's done something he shouldn't.

pfwow · 08/01/2019 16:53

He didn't get yelled at, he didn't get punished, he got told off. Teacher is doing her job, and you have nothing whatsoever to say on the matter. Don't waste everybody's time. Do you think that your son is so upset because he knows how upset you are going to be?

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 16:54

the teacher really wont think anything of this or him if that is what you are worried about

This is very normal behaviour and a normal teacher response

Villanellesproudmum · 08/01/2019 16:55

I think you’re making too big a deal out of it. You’re upset, he is upset, seriously just move on. It’s done, if you want to do anything he could apologise. Stop giving yourself such a hard time.

Knittink · 08/01/2019 16:56

It's hard when they are little. You're not yet used to handing over control of what goes on in their life during the day when they are at school. That changes pretty quickly as they get older. They shrug things off more easily and so do you!

MinorRSole · 08/01/2019 16:56

Don't worry about it op, sure plenty of us have been there - I know I have. I'm on my 4th through primary and I still have my moments and I work with children!

Meltedicicle · 08/01/2019 16:56

Hi OP, in the grand scheme of things, what your son did, particularly given his age, is pretty minor. My youngest DD is the same, gets really upset about things but I have to help her get some perspective and say that the teacher will have forgotten this within half an hour, if that! I know it’s hard when your child is upset but take a step back, some deep breaths and just explain that if he misbehaves, a teacher will rightly tell him off but he is learning and part of that is learning from mistakes and teachers understand that.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/01/2019 16:58

It's a great lesson for him.

He now knows even if he lies he'll be caught out and pulled up for it. And the upset is just dealing with that and good because he knows he's done wrong.

But we all struggle with the fact our LO become independent from is and naughty when we aren't around and we don't deal with it. It's hard.

By trust me in 10 years time when he announces he got detention Your response will be "well what did you do?" (Or not do!). It gets easier.

goldengummybear · 08/01/2019 16:59

Your son was unlucky that the deputy witnessed the telling off and told him off the second time.

It's very normal to be upset about a telling off. I suspect your ds knew he'd let his teacher down and was embarrassed about lying. Other kids will be well aware that he screwed up if there's a behaviour chart in the classroom. This incident will hopefully help him build resilience for the next telling off he gets (which hopefully won't be for a very long time. )

Sometimes kids dwell on stuff that happened at school. The worst is if they have an argument with a friend on Friday afternoon and didn't have time to make up. They end up dreading going back on Monday.

My personal opinion is that as long as it's a rare occurrence then to let it go.

PeachRose · 08/01/2019 17:00

Well to me it seems a bit OTT that a 4 year old should get told off by 2 teachers about scrunching some paper up. Yes he was in the wrong but did it really take 2 of them? I'd be a bit annoyed if I'm honest but I would let it ride. Not much you can do otherwise it could start problems between you, the deputy and future teachers.

viques · 08/01/2019 17:03

In my experience I expect the second "telling off" from the deputy head who was passing through was along the lines of "oh dear little cjt , I'm sorry to hear that you've been a bit silly in class today. We all need to look after things in school, the wall displays are to help everyone learn and if a letter gets torn then nobody can use that letter to help them with their reading can they? "

SInce most deputy heads have better things to do with their time than lay into 4 year olds what the DH was doing was supporting the teachers classroom authority and reinforcing school property expectations.

Bunnyfuller · 08/01/2019 17:04

Why did he get so upset over a very small telling off? It sounds like he isn’t getting boundaries enforced enough! And I’m afraid sometimes being criticised and getting upset are part of life.

You should be pleased the school is enforcing discipline, and take a leaf out off their book. He was expressly told not to do something which he then did and LIED! I’d give him another bloody telling off for lying, and make him admit he did it to the school.

elephantinstripeysocks · 08/01/2019 17:08

i think you need to take your son in first thing in the morning and find both teachers. once there get him to apologise for not only ruining her display, causing her more work at home in her spare time but for also being a liar.

the teacher could not tell you for sure it was him but sometimes YOU KNOW which child has done things and when a child is lying. I suspect she had your son marked when he came over.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/01/2019 17:08

was it a piece of paper that can be reprinted and laminated or a precious artifact never to be seen on this earth again.

yet he has still created more work for the teacher.

SuziQ10 · 08/01/2019 17:13

Why shouldn't a child be told off by a teacher if misbehaving?
Think parents struggle with accepting their child was misbehaving at school. Teachers should be given the respect to discipline if they think that's fair.