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Original poster

DS upset after school - do I correct the teacher or let it go?

118 replies

cjt110 · 08/01/2019 16:15

Please be gentle as I am suffering massively at the moment with anxiety and my paranoia is sky high so may be skewing my judgment.

DS is 4 and in reception. Over Christmas he has gone a bit amiss with his behaviour and giddy to boot.

He got home from school today (went back yesterday) and DH texted me that DS was upset about something at school. Saying he had broken something in class and that he had to go to the office. DH had tried to understand what was what but DS wasn't making much sense.

I gave school a quick call and spoke with his teacher who explained she had had a discussion with the whole class about not touching her wall displays - that the kids were always trying to get the blu-tac. She said DS had come to her with one of the phonics letters torn and scrunched up in his hand. When she asked him he said he hadn't done it. She said she had gotten cross with him for damaging the laminated/paper phonic. DS told the teacher when asked that it wasn't him. She said she didn't know if it was him but he had the scrunched up paper in his hand. At that moment the deputy head was walking past and came in and also had a word with DS.

I checked, again with the teacher what the item was and was told it was laminated card.

The teacher did say it was over and dealt with, this morning, within a minute and he'd been fine for the rest of the day. I did say he has a tendancy to remember and fret over things for some time.

I called to relay this to DH and DS said he had some bad news, told me he had torn a letter and that he was sorry. He said that he and another child had done it. That he had taken it to the teacher and the teacher had told him off.

Part of me is cross. It seems OTT to "get cross" with a 4 year old without knowing if they did the act. It also seems OTT to then have the deputy head speak to him.

I am mindful it may be 6 of one and half a dozen of the other but I feel cross or my boy that he has been told off, when he may not have been entirely to blame but also that not one, but TWO teachers took it upon themselves to tell him off.

Do I speak to her, and potentially be that mum, or just ride it out?

OP posts:
rosablue · 08/01/2019 17:13

the reception teacher that ds1 and ds2 had used to say that she 'loved' telling kids off the first time they were naughty in her class - particularly the quieter ones - because it meant that they had relaxed into school, felt comfortable there and didn't feel like they had to be on their best behaviour all the time.

She obviously didn't tell them this - and the first telling off wasn't very strict or have bad consequences, but to her it was a sign in the child's development and settling down into school.

Likewise, obviously she didn't like having to do the actual telling off - and they were expected to listen, learn and not misbehave again - but just that first time - she knew they were settling in and gaining confidence.

So as long as your son has learnt his lesson and doesn't plan on doing this again - then maybe think about it in the way my dc's wise reception teacher did - and see it as a stage that he needed to go through. He hasn't done a really bad thing, and he has hopefully learnt a lesson that will stay with him for a long time, he's gone back to school at the start of his second term and he's feeling confident in his environment. The teacher themself has said it' wasn't a big deal and sorted out at the time - so no harm done this time. If he starts getting told off every week then it becomes something different - but this time - don't stress!

elephantinstripeysocks · 08/01/2019 17:14

first you say:

...was it a piece of paper that can be reprinted and laminated or a precious artifact never to be seen on this earth again.

then you reply to someone elses comment of "As to what he destroyed, that is pretty irrelevant." Agree completely.

wonder where he gets the lies and mixed stories from.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 17:16

OP he was fine at school with the telling off but he was worried about telling you - DS was like this he was worried I would be upset as well.

I told him it was fine and exactly was rosablue said that it a good thing he feels confident

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ChakiraChakra · 08/01/2019 17:17

I'm sorry you're struggling with anxiety. That must be tough, parenting is tough even without that xxx Flowers

DishingOutDone · 08/01/2019 17:20

The reactions of all concerns were entirely normal, he's just a little boy, he got told off. If you start everything off by saying ooo I'm so emotional I am probably in the wrong, then MN will come back and say you are so emotional and you are in the wrong.

Just leave it now, your son will forget about it soon. Someone told me a really good saying yesterday - "polish your back!" - let it slide off.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 08/01/2019 17:26

was it a piece of paper that can be reprinted and laminated or a precious artifact never to be seen on this earth again.

Well, it seems minor, yes but actually, this could be a right pain to repair. The teacher has to take time (that she hasn't got) out of her day to find the resource again online or in her files (not always straightforward), re-print it, traipse to the printer only to find it's out of paper or jammed, go to get the key to the stock cupboard, find the office member isn't there, go and look for her, explain why she wants more paper and the code for colour-photocopying, justifying the need, print the bloody letter again, attempt to cut it out, look for the scissors that someone has gone off with, turn the laminator on and wait up to 10 minutes for it to warm up sufficiently, realise there are no laminating pouches left, go and find the office lady again, explain why you need one, return to laminator to discover someone has switched it off in your absence to "save electricity," wait for it to warm up again, stand around whilst it slowly feeds through the machine, wait for it to cool down so you can cut it out again with its plastic coating, return to the classroom, hunt for the blu-tack which has been stolen moved by some little magpies, go back to the office lady again....

Do you get the idea? Welcome to a teacher's world.

SadOtter · 08/01/2019 17:27

It is only a piece of paper, but, if she had already spoken to the class about not touching displays its obviously been an ongoing issue, which will be why he got told off.

It is horrible when children get upset about being told off but if you look at it another way, he is upset about being told off at school so it clearly doesn't happen often, if he was a child that was in trouble every 5 minutes he probably wouldn't have even mentioned it to you.

Mookatron · 08/01/2019 17:29

All the above re: the laminated paper may well be true but it shouldn't be the problem of a 5 Yr old. Messing something up - fine, tell him off. Lying about it - yup, tell him off. Make it a huge deal because budgets are small and school bureaucracy a massive pain in the arse? No.

Zuma76 · 08/01/2019 17:31

If he was sobbing that is a good sign that he knows that he did wrong and that the little word the teacher had actually worked. He was probably also absolutely shattered and emotional because of that.

Racecardriver · 08/01/2019 17:33

YABU. Just drop it.

RavenWings · 08/01/2019 17:33

The point from the pp (I think anyway!) wasn't budget related, it was that repairing the display will take time and effort for the teacher. Time she could spend on other things if OPs child managed to keep to the class expectations...he wasn't told about this, but OP should be told to reinforce why it's a problem.

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 08/01/2019 17:34

Op don't worry about some of the replies. Lots of teachers seem to be on the site and come down hard on anyone daring to critics a teacher.

Having said that I personally feel it's way ott to get angry with him over it.

But the fact the other child never got told off is one of those things...

School also teaches us how unfair life can be.

Let it go this time but.. Do jot down when this happened and how it made him feel.

In future just keep eye out...

TheCrowFromBelow · 08/01/2019 17:35

Honestly I wouldn’t make too much of it at home now.
He’s told you about it, it was dealt with at school, the teacher said it’s all done and dusted and he knows not to do it again.
He’s 4 - don’t make him write an apology letter. He’s made a mistake, which isn’t huge in the great scheme of things. If it comes up again I’d thank him for owning up, tell him calmly that what he did wasn’t a good thing but that owning up eventually was, tell him that you love him and you know he’s learnt a lesson from it. Don’t minimise the action though - school displays may not be artefacts but they are important and can take ages to set up!

greathat · 08/01/2019 17:37

Yes he's done something wrong. There has been a consequence, unless he does it again it's over. Dealt with correctly, move on.

goldengummybear · 08/01/2019 17:38

I don't think that budget is why she told him off. Most schools have a respect other people's belongings rule. The laminated letter belonged to the teacher. It's not as bad as tearing another child's work but having a blanket rule about not being destructive on purpose is reasonable.

cowfacemonkey · 08/01/2019 17:43

Sorry you are feeling so rubbish at the minute OP, anxiety really does skew our thought processes at times. My son gets horribly embarrassed if he is ever told off (rare fortunately) and will often become upset about it hours later (or even days). I had a phone call last week from ds's teacher to say that he was upset because of something naughty he'd done at the weekend and although he'd had a bit of a telling off it was still playing on his mind because he hadn't "fully confessed his sins"! She put him on the phone he admitted something he hadn't told me and all was well with the world again.

Sounds like your DS is upset because he did something and got told off so is feeling a bit embarrassed. He's also processing the fact that despite his best laid plans to bring said torn letter to teacher and tell her it wasn't him even though it was he still got told off!

Angelinthenight · 08/01/2019 17:44

Hey yeah just ride it out,teachers get much worse than that im sure, the teacher has forgotten it already and im sure your child knows now that he shouldnt have done it and wont do it again,try not and over think it or worry x

headinhands · 08/01/2019 17:47

Ive worked in early years, a LOT of it is performance based as in you've got a captive audience so when there's an interaction you tend to emphasise the facial expression and so on. And if the another adult is passing you often bounce something off them to reinforce a message. This is the bread and butter of reception. I've had parents ask me about a telling off and I was never scary, came down to their level etc so when your dc says a telling off he doesn't mean finger wagging and shouting, he means that he was made aware that he had disappointed someone.

Also this performance is carried out all day about everything to reinforce expectations. I'd often call over to another adult 'ooh look Mrs Teacher, Billy just helped Jenny with her boots' and so on. I expect this is how it happened. Do not imagine a line of teacher queued up to shake and scream at your dc.

Also he's only been back 2 days. He'll be exhausted and emotional and this was just his outlet for that. Same way you or I might cry about the kettle breaking but it's actually about general tiredness.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 08/01/2019 18:13

Make it a huge deal because budgets are small and school bureaucracy a massive pain in the arse?

Except that a huge deal wasn't made. The child behaved badly (and has also been doing so at home). He was told off about it (probably quite mildly).

The only reason for me relating a typical scenario of the bureaucratic challenge in schools was that someone said it was "only" a laminated letter. That was unlikely to be the teacher's main motivation in telling him off.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/01/2019 18:18

I know its hard when your child is told off. You do want everyone to pussy foot around them. However its just never going to happen, so while its easier said than done you just have to get a rhinoceros skin to it. He did do wrong, so He does have to be told.

MissMarplesKnitting · 08/01/2019 18:22

There's a great many parents on this forum who need to read this.

Actual letter, sent home from a school this week. The HT is spot on.

DS upset after school - do I correct the teacher or let it go?
Lndnmummy · 08/01/2019 18:26

Hey OP, I’m exactly like you when it comes to things like this, fret and overanalyse it, especially in reception. My boy is in Y2 now and a tad cheeky so I now have plenty of experience of these scenarios.
Drop it. Don’t ask him lots of more questions about it. Try to talk about positive things that’s happend today so that he goes to bed on a positive note. I find that it was best to just leave the school to it when it came to things like this. I know it’s very very hard. I’m a fellow anxiety sufferer.

FrLukeDuke · 08/01/2019 19:20

I had a phone call last week from ds's teacher to say that he was upset because of something naughty he'd done at the weekend and although he'd had a bit of a telling off it was still playing on his mind because he hadn't "fully confessed his sins"! She put him on the phone he admitted something he hadn't told me and all was well with the world again.
This made me laugh about him being put on the phone to confess his sins Grin

ChakiraChakra · 08/01/2019 19:30

Make it a huge deal because budgets are small and school bureaucracy a massive pain in the arse? No.

Nobody is trying to say that. The point IMO is they the OP tried to make a difference between "only" a replaceable card letter, and a precious irreplaceable artefact and the latter shouldn't be within reach of a 4 year old at school anyway. We're saying that it'll take the teacher time and hassle to replace, in the hope of getting the message to the OP that it's not "just" a piece of card letter. In my experience, replacing a laminated letter from a display is a 20 minute job. 20 minutes which the teacher hasn't got to spare.

Nobody is saying any of this should make a difference to how the child is being spoken to. He was told not to do a thing, he did it, he was told off.

Agree with the person who said other adults are often involved in reinforcing behaviour standards. "I'm sorry Miss X, I wasn't to be able to hear your instructions for the fun thing but I can't hear you over here because children are scraping their feet on the carpet!" "Oh No Miss Y, if everybody can't hear me then we can't do the fun activity!" or "Oh Miss X can I just congratulate you on how well ALL of your children are sitting nicely on the carpet? That's really good!" - it's not for the adults but a technique to help reinforce something to the children - usually behaviour.

Quartz2208 · 08/01/2019 19:33

OP are you the poster who has been anxious in the past about dealing with and her child's behaviour - because none of what you said he did is anything other than normal.

The teacher will forget about it, the deputy head already has, your son has learnt to listen to the teacher and what happens if he doesnt. The class have realised too that touching the teachers display has consequences.

There is nothing out of the norm here at all.