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Original poster

Are SAHMs unemployable?

122 replies

bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 11:14

How uneployable am i?

I'm a sahm after putting my degree on hold for 3 years and currently completing (a very easy/useless) evening course to get a professional qualification.

My partner is the breadwinner and last night he told me that he's sick of paying for my life. So I now need to get a job, but to do what? I have no skills. My literacy skills are poor even though I did A level English. My logic/maths skills abysmal. I don't even have the social skills to work in a supermarket.

I want to get 30 hours too as I am now just so exhausted with my 3 year old, I dread waking up every morning.

Anyone else feel unemployable after staying at home?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 03/01/2019 13:51

I don't think SAHMs are unemployable, but it's very difficult to get back into work when you've been out of work a long time with little to no qualifications or work experience, regardless of what you've been doing with that time out of work. If you have free days now while your dd is at CMs, then you can be using that time for efficiently. I have no childcare (well, one at school and then a baby at home fulltime) and I still manage to cook, clean, do all household admin, food shopping, etc., plus I manage to work at least 10 hours a week from home (I'm an academic, so it's writing work, developing research grants, editing, etc.).

It sounds like you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get yourself some mental health support if you feel you're struggling, and get out there a bit and try doing something, even volunteering or doing a meaningful course that could actually lead to something one day. Cooking, cleaning, household stuff can be done when your dd is home or on weekends/evenings when your partner is around. Use your free time to do something for yourself that can help get you out of this rut.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 03/01/2019 14:27

OP as others have pointed out what your DP said was pretty disrespectful and whether you deal with it as part of this life change or separately, you really need to call him out on this.

I'm a SAHM and was the main breadwinner before however whilst I've been able to do all school pick ups, drop offs, sort clubs, take swimming, do tea etc it's enabled DH to really climb the career ladder in a way he couldn't have done if he was sharing that responsibility with me. So whilst he's now earning more than I was it has been in some ways a joint effort. And I'm very realistic to know after a considerable gap on my CV I've got very little chance of ever getting back to the point in my career that I left (looking to return to "something " this year so pretty apprehensive myself!

So please don't minimise how what you do at home can help your DP do well at work, you really do need to be a team .

I hope you get sorted soon Thanks

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:11

I think it best to keep her with the childminder as I am looking for work. The hours provided are 8am-6pm and she also offers school pick up and drop off.

Yeah, DP likes things to be his way- "my way or the highway" as he likes to say. I suspect he has OCD too. He just can't stand a faint mark on the wall, yet is not willing to clean it himself. Everything has to be very particular, in a certain way. It's actually quite irritating.

He got the whole house painted so he wanted me to clean the walls, and organise everything whilst he was at work. Which was actually difficult on the days I had DD.

He is named as the main tenant. He's part of a housing association. I asked if he would name me as a tenant but he said no, and that I won't need to worry about having somewhere to live as he will let me live with him. But I'm not that naive, I know it's only conditional.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 03/01/2019 15:18

Take my advice a teach him a lesson. Say to him that you will no longer be expecting him to finance your life and walk out for a week or so. See how he feels about your contribution after that.

cestlavielife · 03/01/2019 15:30

Oh dear 're housing. So you have no security at all.
Unless you tow the line.
Get some real.life support.
Ask him to put you on tenancy or leave him and get your own...

cestlavielife · 03/01/2019 15:31

Who is getting the child tax credits and child benefit ?

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:37

walk out for a week or so

As tempting as it is, I'd be out of the house and homeless.

I've asked him to put me on the tenancy, he won't let me. I only receive CB, no tac credits as in process of claiming UC.

OP posts:
Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:38

The £20 CB goes in to my account.

OP posts:
HugoBearsMummy · 03/01/2019 15:39

3 year old at childminders 2.5 days/week. But I cook, clean/take care of the dog during though hours and sometimes just sleep

Erm.. sorry but your OH sounded like a dick until this.. No wonder he's fed up, there's no reason you can't work part time during the hours DC is at childminders. And you don't need to be 'sociable' to work in a supermarket, can't remember any time I've 'socialised' with an employee at my local Asda??

You do sound slightly depressed which is probably why you are completely lacking motivation.

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:39

How can I get my own tenancy. I live in London and have been on the housing waiting list for years.

With not a penny to my name, I can't just leave. I would have to be tactical until I have the means to leave him.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 03/01/2019 15:41

You need to somehow save some money and get the hell away from him. Youd honestly be better off as a single parent.. sleeps all weekend.. 'lets' you live with him... christ on a bike. Hed soon see what you were adding to the arrangement when he had to deal with out you and actually work around child care and actually care for his child on his days off.
I'm a SAHP granted I have two and one is a baby... my son is at nursery three days tho but sometimes es I do sleep... toddlers and babies are hard... that's why you have to pay alot of money to have someone else look after them. Your partner wants his head checking... yoare saving him money AND allowing him to work as much as he wants and relax as much as he wants....
Do you have a joint bank account? What do you live off?

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:41

there's no reason you can't work part time during the hours DC is at childminders

I've been looking for employment for months, with no success. My social skills are poor, I so t socialise with other adults. I'm anxious.

OP posts:
dimsum123 · 03/01/2019 15:43

I got a job after 15 years as a SAHM. I had done some volunteering and casual zero hours jobs prior to getting my current job and I think that definitely helped.

My job is part time, local and reasonably well paid so it's definitely possible.

Ribbonsonabox · 03/01/2019 15:45

And I'd like to remind people commenting how emotionally draining being a SAHM is to a toddler or baby. Who hasn't had a nap whilst they go to preschool/childminders. It's a 24hr job. When her partner comes hom does he totally take over so she can have a rest? Doesn't sound like it to me at all.... so essentially the time the toddler is at the childminders is all the times she gets off whilst her partner gets to have whole days of relaxing and never has to bother himself about housework..... and now he expects her to find paid work on her only time off? Cant believe anyone commenting here cannot see that he is an abusive entitled bellend!

RomanyRoots · 03/01/2019 15:48

OP the more I read the more it seems like your oh is not a partner.
What do you share? Is the household income for everyone to access, do you have control over the money?
You need to protect yourself in case you decide to split, atm you'd get very little, not being married.
He sounds more like your master than someone who loves and cares about you. Thanks
I also think your lack of confidence comes from him, somewhere down the line.

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:48

Do you have a joint bank account? What do you live off?

There is a joint account, but it's empty. I've reached the end of my savings. I have £200 to last me until, I don't know.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 03/01/2019 15:48

Forget about working for others, what about working for yourself? Do some dog walking, clean a house? Pet care?
Ideas on www.care.com

Ribbonsonabox · 03/01/2019 15:51

Is he struggling financially? Does he regularly put money into the joint account? Do you know exactly how much he earns and what it goes on? Do you actually want to go back to work?

PoisonousSmurf · 03/01/2019 15:52

Is he even the child's dad? If not, get out. What is he holding over you?

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:58

Is he struggling financially? Does he regularly put money into the joint account? Do you know exactly how much he earns and what it goes on? Do you actually want to go back to work?

Not struggling as he buy a DD lots of things she dowsnt need- classes and toys. I don't see his bank statements but he owns property and has tenants, plus he works with an average salary and does some things on the side for extra income.

I do want to work because I'm going insane. My social skills have suffered and my cognitive abilities have gone in to deep decline.

OP posts:
Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 15:59

Is he even the child's dad?

Yes, without a doubt. She's a spitting image.

OP posts:
firstbrightday · 03/01/2019 16:04

Would love to know what he'd do with a three old while working full time if you weren't there! Get a shock at the cost of childcare, most likely.

Facilitating your life - what an insult!!!

PerfectPeony · 03/01/2019 16:07

I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation OP.

Can you search for volunteer opportunities in your area? To get your confidence and experience up. They usually pay for expenses if you need to travel and will always be happy to have new volunteers. They will be used to dealing with people who haven’t recently been in work or are maybe a little anxious.

Have a look on here do-it.org/

Please also visit the GP. You sound like an intelligent person- I hope you are able to work something out so you can leave this man. He doesn’t respect you at all and sounds very uncaring and abusive.

Ragaroo · 03/01/2019 16:20

The last time my husband told me he was "putting a roof over my head" I didn't speak to him for 24 hours. I work 30 hours and week and deal with childcare, how much progression am I expected to make in the field of work right now?! These freaking men take out their frustrations on us, if we billed them for all the cooking/cleaning/childcare they'd be screwed.
Don't let him knock your confidence, stand up for yourself and your abilities as a mother and professional and make the decision based on what YOU want to do.

thebaronetofcockburn · 03/01/2019 16:36

He owns property with tenants but is in a HA property? He has significant savings and a 'moderate salary' but you applied for UC? You do realise you won't get UC if he has significant savings because it's a joint claim, no?