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Original poster

Are SAHMs unemployable?

122 replies

bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 11:14

How uneployable am i?

I'm a sahm after putting my degree on hold for 3 years and currently completing (a very easy/useless) evening course to get a professional qualification.

My partner is the breadwinner and last night he told me that he's sick of paying for my life. So I now need to get a job, but to do what? I have no skills. My literacy skills are poor even though I did A level English. My logic/maths skills abysmal. I don't even have the social skills to work in a supermarket.

I want to get 30 hours too as I am now just so exhausted with my 3 year old, I dread waking up every morning.

Anyone else feel unemployable after staying at home?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2019 11:59

Op you are not lazy or useless or stupid or any of those things. From your post on here you have better writing skills than maybe 80% of the population. What you are crap at though is having any confidence in your own abilities. And it seems to me like that's down to your state of mind. Were you good at school? What did you start studying at university?

RomanyRoots · 03/01/2019 11:59

Your partner sounds awful, he may be worried about money but it's no way acceptable to take it out on you.
Tell him you'll get a job as long as he does his fair share of domestic and parenting.
Don't end up doing it all, working as well whilst he furthers his career at the cost to the family.

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 12:00

I know he won't be happy because he thinks I should be at home with DD. He wants me to be a sahm. He said if I work, it needs to be family friendly, so weekend work wouldn't do it. But want really think is that he doesnt want DD on the weekends.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2019 12:01

Do you get to have an opinion on this?

dontforgetbilly · 03/01/2019 12:01

I would guess the gp/HV suggestion would be because op comes across as having very low confidence; complains of being tired which can be a sign of depression; is in a relationship which isn't described in a supportive light (abuse may be worst case scenario); and seems to be reaching out for help

Littleraindrop15 · 03/01/2019 12:01

Does he pay for the 2.5 days of childminding? If this is the case I think you need to get a part time job and contribute.

Pissedoffdotcom · 03/01/2019 12:01

He can't have it both ways. You can't be a sahm & work....and if he wants you to work he doesnt get to dictate when or where

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 12:03

Were you good at school? What did you start studying at university?

I was average, but I didn't put the work in. I was truant mostly because I was depressed.

Psychology degree.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2019 12:04

You have a history of depression, are exhausted and dread waking up. Please please see someone, your gp or health visitor. I think your DH isnt helping either.

RomanyRoots · 03/01/2019 12:05

Your problem is your dh, he sounds like a bully.
A family friendly job sounds great because when you dump his sad ass your job will fit around the kids.
Family friendly would include weekends, as your dh is part of your children's family and he's free to parent them at the weekend.

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 12:05

he may be worried about money

He wants to live an extravagant lifestyle with flashy cars, lots of properties, send DD to private school and thinks I'm going to foot the bill for her school fees one day despite having no security myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 12:07

Does he pay for the 2.5 days of childminding? I get 15 hours free and have paid with my savings for the extra day but will have to drop it now that I've run out. So she will have 1.5 days wig the childminder.

OP posts:
Nenic · 03/01/2019 12:07

You need to leave him.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 12:10

At 3 DD gets 15 hours a week so that would cover 2.5 days so it's not costing him anything.

OP he is your partner not your boss. SO he wants you home as a SAHM and doing all the house work BUT you also need to get a job as he's fed up of paying for you? So you have to find something term time only in the 2.5 days she's at school? He's delusional.

Send your 3 yo in to DP Saturday morning and declare you're going job hunting. Go to the job centre and walk the town to see where is advertised. But mainly grab a coffee and let him see what it's like being primary carer all day. Take a load of CV's (lots of help online to write one) and hand them out to show DP you were actually job hunting.

Explain that the job he wants you to get is like rocking horse shit so would he prefer weekends, paying for half the extra childcare or evenings but he needs to do bedtime / mornings and dropping DD at nursery on those days.

And please speak to your GP.

cestlavielife · 03/01/2019 12:11

Ask gp for.referral.to.gym sessions which support good mental.health or join a c25k group
Ask local.job centre about skills and c.v. workshops
Ask.about local.mentoring programmes
Ask for.refrerral.to.counsellor who can work with you and unlock this very unhealthy relationship.and help empower you to make best decisions for your and dd future

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 12:12

OP I mean this kindly but why are you spending saving and thus security on paying for nursery she doesn't need?
Can you move her to a school nursery where the 15 hours would cover a half day 5 days a week?

cestlavielife · 03/01/2019 12:13

See citizens advice about your financial position do you both own or rent? Whose name.is on the house ?

ProfYaffle · 03/01/2019 12:16

I was a sahm for 12 years and went back to work last year. I'm at the same level I was before in an interesting, professional, well paid job. It CAN be done but it's hard work and takes determination and planning.

I agree with others though, it sounds like you're struggling with your mental health at the moment. Please don't ignore that.

As a stepping stone it might be an idea to get some voluntary work to acclimatise you to socialising, build your skills and confidence before looking for paid work. It'll help you with references etc too.

ClarabellaCTL · 03/01/2019 12:23

I know I'm going to get abuse for this, but here goes:

3 year old at childminders 2.5 days/week. But I cook, clean/take care of the dog during though hours and sometimes just sleep.

If I was out working 5 days a week, and my DH stayed at home while child was at childminder and slept I'd be pretty annoyed at that too. My DH works away all week, I work 3.5 days. I have 2 kids - one at primary school and one at nursery. I cook, clean, and do all the other stuff that needs done in a week. I wish to god I could have 2.5 days to myself every week.

FortunesFave · 03/01/2019 12:23

What Sleeping said. Move her to a proper school nursery. There's no reason for a 3 year old to be at a childminder when she could be preparing for school at nursery and you'd have 5 clear afternoons.

StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2019 12:24

If the op is depressed, and I am not qualified to say that she is, then sleeping during the day and struggling to achieve much would fit.

floribunda18 · 03/01/2019 12:26

I agree with the volunteering idea. What about working in a charity shop one day a week if you used to do retail. Build up your confidence while applying for other jobs.

ClarabellaCTL · 03/01/2019 12:27

If the op is depressed, and I am not qualified to say that she is, then sleeping during the day and struggling to achieve much would fit.

True, fair point. Perhaps a trip to the GP is a good place to start.

11yrgap · 03/01/2019 12:30

You've had some good advice about speaking to gp,it's easy to get stuck in a rut when you have children and not realise it could be depression.

When the time is right and you have the right support you can start applying for jobs. After I was a SAHM I applied for anything that fitted with us as worst they could do was not ask me for an interview. I was just honest and said I've had a gap because childcare is so expensive but that's not an issue now so eager to get back to work.

thebaronetofcockburn · 03/01/2019 12:32

I feel sorry for GPs. They're supposed to be miracle workers who can cure everything. Your problem is your so-called partner, he's a wanker. I'd go for a weekend job first, too, then he has to do childcare. And once you get going, never, ever give up your job to be a SAHP to an unmarried partner again.