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Original poster

Are SAHMs unemployable?

122 replies

bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 11:14

How uneployable am i?

I'm a sahm after putting my degree on hold for 3 years and currently completing (a very easy/useless) evening course to get a professional qualification.

My partner is the breadwinner and last night he told me that he's sick of paying for my life. So I now need to get a job, but to do what? I have no skills. My literacy skills are poor even though I did A level English. My logic/maths skills abysmal. I don't even have the social skills to work in a supermarket.

I want to get 30 hours too as I am now just so exhausted with my 3 year old, I dread waking up every morning.

Anyone else feel unemployable after staying at home?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2019 12:33

They're supposed to provide primary care for people with worrying symptoms.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 12:35

DH stayed at home while child was at childminder and slept I'd be pretty annoyed
Not concerned they were OK? If DH started needing e tra sleep I'd want him down the docs for a check up. It could just be a Vit B deficiency but it could also be depression, thyroids etc.

We did actually joke I'd use the 15 hours nursery to sleep but he's in 3 hours a day so two hour gap between drop off and pick up and I'm scared I wouldn't wake up.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 12:36

I feel sorry for GPs. They're supposed to be miracle workers who can cure everything
Or you know, run some routine bloods and assess the patient to check why an otherwise healthy adult is exhausted all the time.

mbosnz · 03/01/2019 12:37

I'd definitely suggest a talk with the GP, perhaps tests for thyroid function, iron deficiency, maybe a discussion concerning mental health. . .

Jaxhog · 03/01/2019 12:37

Of course not! But you may have to start at the bottom. Finishing your degree would be good too, as it would get your writing up to speed again and help with motivation. If you did A level English, then it wouldn't take long to get your writing skills back up the scratch. It will take a bit of practice though.

Why not talk to your local college, university, adult education about a 'returner' course?

Jaxhog · 03/01/2019 12:38

I suspect that once you find some work that interests you, your motivation will come back!

whiskeysourpuss · 03/01/2019 12:41

Whilst I agree with others that your partner sounds awful you shouldn't be exhausted if your child is in childcare 2.5 days a week & you're not working.

I'm also intrigued as to what state your house was in previously if it's taken you over a month to deep clean it? I can deep clean a 3 bedroom house over 2 days & that includes washing down all woodwork, windows inside & out, changing all bedding, washing floors, cleaning carpets etc.

It does sound as if there is some medical reason why you are so exhausted all the time - be that a mental or physical ailment - so I'd get to the docs & get that checked out before looking for a job which will only add to your exhaustion.

Given your partners attitude towards you I'd also get your financials sorted out as being an unmarried SAHM leaves you in a very vulnerable position should he decide to end the relationship for any reason.

Badwifey · 03/01/2019 12:52

I can honestly say I can see it from both sides. I'm a sahp and I'm currently completing my final year of degree. I'm exhausted but only because I also do some lessons for kids in the evenings and my dd is a really poor sleeper. My husband understands my exhaustion and does his best to support me when he's here. He often takes our dd for long walks etc when he cones home to give me an extra hour to study or to just be by myself.

On the other hand years ago before we had dd my husband lost his job. I was working full time with a looong commute. I used to cone home after being out for 12 hours to see breakfast dishes still sitting on the table and the bed unmade. It used to annoy me so much. He had sank into a depression and used to sit there gaming all day. Some days he didn't even open the curtains!! I persuaded him to do some volunteer work to get him up and motivated to do something and once he started he got his mojo back and was back to work within a few weeks.

I think you have lost all sense of yourself and need something outside of the home to get you out of your funk. Doing my degree, although it has pushed me to the brink at times, has given me the something outside the home that keeps me same and motivated. If I didn't do it I would inevitably lose all motivation to do anything because, honestly, I NEVER wanted to be a housewife.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 03/01/2019 12:55

OP despite having a degree and post grad qualification I had no recent work record or references when I decided to go back to work. I took a Saturday job to start with, it didn’t require any particular skills but it got me out there. Like you, I lacked confidence, but I soon found it again.

I don’t believe you don’t have the social skills to work in a supermarket. They also provide you with all the training you need. This could be a great place to start. You never know where you might end up.

Good luck Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 13:01

OP do you have any money other than your salary? Shared bank account? CB? Tax credits?

Lancelottie · 03/01/2019 13:12

I can deep clean a 3 bedroom house over 2 days & that includes washing down all woodwork, windows inside & out, changing all bedding, washing floors, cleaning carpets etc

Crikey, I can't! I can genuinely take all day to sort one room (because we're a bunch of scruffs).

YBR · 03/01/2019 13:15

If I was out working 5 days a week, and my DH stayed at home while child was at childminder and slept I'd be pretty annoyed at that

My DH does stay at home, and the DCs are both in school now. If he was sleeping, I would assume there was a reason. Not annoyed but concerned.
I have been depressed and suggest that a GP trip to get health right, comes before job hunting or volunteering.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 13:17

I can deep clean a 3 bedroom house over 2 days & that includes washing down all woodwork, windows inside & out, changing all bedding, washing floors, cleaning carpets etc
Reckon it would tKe me more than 10 hours to do all that too. I thonk it might just be you 😁

Wildheartsease · 03/01/2019 13:17

The trouble with depression is that it usually makes you feel tired and unsociable...
AND
Being tired and unable to deal with people makes you depressed

For survival, the cycle has to be interrupted.
Here you need a loving support from those close to you + a role in life that makes you feel fulfilled and probably (at least for a time) some medical intervention.

Stephanie3babies · 03/01/2019 13:17

Wow 😮 abit harsh

Holidayshopping · 03/01/2019 13:21

Why does your daughter go to a childminder if you don’t work? Why not a preschool?

He wants to live an extravagant lifestyle with flashy cars, lots of properties, send DD to private school and thinks I'm going to foot the bill for her school fees

What sort of job does he think you’re going to walk into that will pay for private school fees? We both have post grad qualifications and are on good salaries but can’t afford school fees.

Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 13:26

OP do you have any money other than your salary? Shared bank account? CB? Tax credits

I get CB only. In the process of a joint claim for UC, so will see what happens. Hopefully I get some financial support from that as partner has significant amount of savings.

Thank you so much for the supportive replies. I've spent the last hour tweaking my CV and sending out some applications to jobs I can do.

In some ways I do need a kick up the bum. It's easy to just slack when you're at home most days with no real structure, in some ways you become helpless. I always knew the home wasn't my calling.

Will get on to my GP asap as well. Waiting lists for therapists are long. Even an appointment can take weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
bugscrawingoutyourmouth · 03/01/2019 13:30

Why does your daughter go to a childminder if you don’t work? Why not a preschool?

She literally just turned 3. It's been difficult getting a place where I live as well and partner hasn't been on board for where he wants her to go.

What sort of job does he think you’re going to walk into that will pay for private school fees

God, I don't know. I get he wants her to have a good education, but I'd rather she learned to appreciate education and go to a grammar. She could even do well in a state school. There are a few good schools around us. But I wouldn't pay. I would rather keep that no at for mine and Was security.

OP posts:
ErictheGuineaPig · 03/01/2019 13:36

I'm not surprised you're depressed. Do you have any say over or control over your life at all? He wants you to both be at home and earn a decent wage. He isn't prepared to sacrifice his time in order for his child to have a parent at home or financially support you in doing his bidding. He just issues his orders and you have to find a way to fulfil them even if they are (deliberately?) impossible. How quickly people have jumped on you for daring to take some time to yourself - something he's not even paying for. And yet they haven't noticed that he has 2 days to himself at the weekend.

I agree a gp might be a good first step but I'm wondering if your husband is the source of your depression here.

ErictheGuineaPig · 03/01/2019 13:38

Also, nothing at all wrong with using a childminder instead of a nursery. A good childminder will provide everything a nursery will.

So, this bloke of yours has substantial savings too while you have none?

You really are not unemployable op. Your confidence is being undermined by the very person who should be making you feel good about yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 13:39

Hopefully I get some financial support from that as partner has significant amount of savings.
Inlikely if he has savings and is in a decent wage. Not sure what the criteria is for income support etc.

Start applying now for nursery. If she's just 3 she'd be eligible for nursery either fdom now or April. List all the local schools you can walk to and out her on all their lists. DP can only veto for a proper reason. Unless he's giving up work to take her elsewhere what can he do?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 13:41

Also, nothing at all wrong with using a childminder instead of a nursery the point was that school nursery is 15 hours term time so she'd get a morning or afternoon 5 days a week and wouldn't be paying for extra out of her savings. Childminder is fine too but it's costing her money when she isn't earning and DP is potentially financially abusive.

ErictheGuineaPig · 03/01/2019 13:44

Depending on where in the country she is, she could potentially get the same funding for both. The time is just spread out differently. If she's going to look for a job she may be better off holding her horses and seeing which fits in better with whatever she finds too.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 13:48

I'm just clarifying tbst as one to suggest school nursery it wasn't a bitch about childminders, it was about costs. Childminder is clearly running over the 15 hours and OP is having to use her savings. Also she's chronically tired so a break from DD each day might be better than two long days where she's killing herself with cleaning

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/01/2019 13:48

I am, but then I'm autistic.

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