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Original poster

if you're happily married, did you 'Know' from the first date?

101 replies

MyHandHeldHoover · 29/12/2018 13:59

I'm 32 and finding dating really hard. I've met some lovely men and maybe given it three months but nothing's ever stuck.

Am I better being totally ruthless and saying one date only? It sounds stupid but fuck me, these holidays have been hard. I'm the only single one out of all my friends, and they'll are getting engaged and married and pregnant.

OP posts:

PirateWeasel · 29/12/2018 21:16

It took a while for me. I friendzoned him for weeks before finally deciding what the hell and going on a proper date, and then it took another six months or so before I felt we could go the distance. He wasn't the type I expected to fall for at all, hence the faffing about for ages. But I well and truly fell eventually and we've been together now for 7 years. Best piece of advice I ever had was: it's not whether you can live with him (that's 'settling')...it's whether you can live without him.

Ribbonsonabox · 29/12/2018 21:21

I knew the first moment I saw him.... I mean I knew I was in love with him. Took us ten years to actually start dating for various reasons. We were married and had a child within a year. Been together 5 years now and have another child. We have had a couple of rough patches but never for a second have I thought hes not the man for me. Never been so sure of anything.

roastpotatoesrule · 29/12/2018 21:23

What a lovely thread OP
I did feel I knew with exh and would probably look for that strength of feeling if I did it again, but I know that's not easy to find. It's definitely worth giving people a bit of a chance, I'd say your 3 months/3 dates thing sounds about right.
I hope you find your right person

MrsSpenserGregson · 29/12/2018 21:26

It seems that the 3-month thing is bugging you OP.

I didn't know immediately that DH was The One, although I fancied him more than anyone I'd ever met before, but I certainly knew within a few weeks and definitely by 3 months.

We've been together for 21 years and married for 18. Still love him and lust after him. It's mutual. As others have said, don't settle.

Andromeida59 · 29/12/2018 21:29

Not married but I knew from the first date that he was the one for me. According to him, he knew from the first date as I "was the only one that made sense". Still love him to bits and we're both sickeningly happy. 14 years later.

Bodicea · 29/12/2018 21:33

I met through friends. He asked me out. He had just come out of a very long term relationship. It put me off a bit. But still the night before I couldn’t sleep with anticipation. I had a feeling. The date was a bit of a disaster. But at the end of it I knew anyway. Dh says he saw me do a little dance through the window after he left me at my door. I don’t remember that. Been together 10 years. Love the bones of him.

Babdoc · 29/12/2018 21:37

Things were different in the 1970s, when I met DH at uni. People just shacked up. There wasn’t any online dating, or endless ruminating over whether someone was “the One”. We just fancied each other and moved in together after three days!
I loved him to bits for the whole 16 years we had together, before his untimely death at 36 years old.

UserMe18 · 29/12/2018 21:41

I've been with my husband since school so I didn't know because I wasn't looking for a husband which is easier I suppose, but surely above all else you stick it out as long as you enjoy the company of that person? If you don't like being around them on dates then he's not the one, if you like being around someone you stick with them until you get to the point you want to make it "permanent"? It should never feel like settling, but it's probably not going to feel like fireworks either.

GreenMeerkat · 29/12/2018 21:42

Sounds corny but yes, I did know.

Of course I had no idea that we would end up married but something just 'clicked' on that date. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely something there!

GreenMeerkat · 29/12/2018 21:43

Babdoc

Titsywoo · 29/12/2018 21:46

No, I hated my DH the first time I met him. Actually I was in love with his best friend and DH ended up being a close friend after I got to know him and realised he wasn't as annoying as he first seemed . DH's best mate broke my heart and DH was there to pick up the pieces. It did take a while before I fell for him and in all honesty the first year of our relationship I wasn't entirely sure we were a good fit. The sex was amazing and he was my best friend though so I stuck around. Turns out those were the things I was supposed to be looking for! We've been together 17 years now and are very very happy. It was a slow burn for us but worked out well.

Original poster

MyHandHeldHoover · 29/12/2018 21:52

If you don't like being around them on dates then he's not the one, if you like being around someone you stick with them until you get to the point you want to make it "permanent"?

I've been very lucky and never actively disliked anyone I've gone on a date with, but I've never had that anticipation of really looking forward to spending time with anyone. Like if I had good news or something, I'd always have told other people (my friends, my mum etc) first.

it's whether you can live without him.
This is what I'm missing.

OP posts:

ChiaraRimini · 29/12/2018 21:54

Are you meeting people OLD OP? As I found it immensely frustrating. I met one in ~2 years who I genuinely clicked with. I tried being selective (v few dates) and bring more open minded (more dates) but nothing worked. The vast majority of men on OLD will meet up if they think they might get sex out of it which means there are a huge volume of time wasters if you are only interested in a relationship not casual secs
I am seeing someone now who is a friend of a friend so met in real life. Because we met through friends we had shared values, interests and backgrounds that simply were not there with any of the men I met online.

Original poster

MyHandHeldHoover · 29/12/2018 21:57

Yep, OLD (match mostly, haven't tried Tinder or any apps). I work in a very female environment and rarely meet men IRL... frustrating is not the word.

OP posts:

Itcameuponamidnight · 29/12/2018 21:58

I decided I was going to marry DH when I received his message from an online dating site. We messaged back and forth for three weeks before arranging to meet and I was head over heels by then. Then we met and I decided I was wrong - he wasn't the man for me! My mum and sister persuaded me to give him another chance and I dated him for three months, but never really felt like it was necessarily going anywhere. Then over the Christmas period we didn't see each other much and I desperately missed him. Nothing felt as enjoyable without him. That's when I knew definitively I wanted to be with him forever and realised the depth of my feelings for him. Still adore him and our life together 9 years on.

UserMe18 · 29/12/2018 21:59

@MyHandHeldHoover I'm with you, I appreciate as a teenager meeting my now DH would be different to how 30 year olds react meeting people, but I have to say even now in our 30s I get excited to see him and get texts from him (he does work away a fair bit) so I guess I'd be suspicious if I didn't get any butterflies.

TorchesTorches · 29/12/2018 22:01

First date i wasn't very interested, but kept with it as friends told me that i never gave blokes a chance, so i thought 'I'll give this one a chance then, that will show them.'. on date 3 i got more interested, and after 6 weeks i knew he was the one. So the only bloke i actually 'gave a chance' to was the one i ended up marrying!

Maverick66 · 29/12/2018 22:06

From the first kiss.
He was 17 I was 14.
I had kissed three other boys before him.
But with him I just floated.
Been married 32 years and I love him more now than ever.

BestIsWest · 29/12/2018 22:09

Wasn’t even sure I wanted to go on th3 first date as I didn’t think he was my type. He made me laugh a lot and listened to me and we talked all evening. Saw him again a few days later and it was just as good. I knew by the third date.
Been together 34 years and 6 days.

LGFuad · 29/12/2018 22:11

Not on the first date (in fact I wasn’t sure after the first date that I would see him again ) but then from date number two I knew I liked him a lot.

I KNEW knew when, about 3 months into dating, he broke it off with me. In previous relationships I took rejection really hard, but when he did it I felt strangely fine. I remember telling a girl I worked with about it, and saying ‘but it’s ok, he is going to be back and I know it is all going to work out’. 1 week and 2 days later we bumped into each other on a night out, I went back to his flat and didn’t really ever leave! Will have been married 2 years in February, have a 1 year old and our own house and are blissfully happy.

WipsGlitter · 29/12/2018 22:17

Yes. From the first date it felt different. We had more in common and a shared background compared to other losers chaps I'd dated.

Married. Two kids. Met when I was 33!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 29/12/2018 22:18

Yes but I’d known him for over 6 months before our first date.

CherryPavlova · 29/12/2018 22:25

Ours wasn’t really a date. We were doing summer volunteering together. We knew we wanted to spend time together. We knew there was a chemistry. We didn’t commit to anyone else but we’re too young to consider permanence at that point. We spent a few years growing up, going to university, following careers and learning whether our heads gave the same messages about what we believed and wanted from life. I think we recognised we had something special but weren’t in a position to follow that through into marriage for a few years.

mindutopia · 29/12/2018 23:42

No, definitely not. I thought my dh was fun and interesting and we had a laugh together and he was really nice, but I wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was he and I assumed it would be a fun short term thing and maybe we’d stay friends on Facebook or something after.

We had been dating for 6 months before I felt like I ‘knew’. We went through a horrible traumatic experience together and I went through a period of PTSD after. While we’d been really enjoying each other’s company and were together probably 5 nights out of 7 each week before that, it was that experience that did it. He was my rock. He took care of me, would pick me up off the floor and put me to bed when I just couldn’t cope anymore. It was only then that I realised how much we meant to each other and we just decided one day that we couldn’t imagine life in the future except with each other after everything we’d been through. That was over a decade ago now and we’ve never waivered and are still very happy.

I think if someone is a total wanker definitely don’t bother with a second date. But if you meet someone you have a fun night with and who seems kind and thoughtful, no reason not to see where it goes. I would have laughed at the time if anyone suggested in the early days that my now dh and I would get married one day! He was lovely but not my type at all. But weirder things have happened apparently...because here we are very happy with 2 kids.

BlueBrush · 30/12/2018 08:25

Hi @MyHandHeldHoover. I've been mulling this over some more.

I've been very lucky and never actively disliked anyone I've gone on a date with, but I've never had that anticipation of really looking forward to spending time with anyone.

So this describes accurately how I felt about DH on our first few dates. I had a really good time with him but didn't feel excited, didn't have that feeling of finding it hard to say goodbye, didn't have that feeling of "Why hasn't he called?! Maybe my phone's broken?!?!". But I was aware that this was partly to do with the fact that there was another man knocking around who was on my mind, and distracting me a bit. But I knew as soon as i met DH (it was OLD, so a proper date) that he was exactly what I was looking for: a) nice guy, similar values to me, b) good conversation, lots of laughter, easy to be with, and c) I found him physically attractive. First time ever those things coincided. So I was frustrated that I wasn't feeling that excitement, but I chose to relax and just let things develop and sure enough it all clicked after a month, and then I knew with certainty we'd get married. (We did a year later, now 10 years on, 2 DCs.)

I don't know if this helps. I would say that three months is plenty of time to know if something is going to happen unless maybe you're just the sort of person who takes a lot of time to get to know someone? If you decide to be ruthless and say "one date only" my concern would be that that puts a lot of pressure on the expectations of that one meeting, and it becomes a bit more of an audition rather than two people just having a chat and getting to know each other? How about three dates, and then decide if you're enjoying that person's company (nevermind the fireworks)?

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