How to have more gravitas at work

[Whereisme]

I am in a senior position at work (and already have a bad case of imposter syndrome!) However, I could do with some advice on how to have more gravitas at work. I guess I don’t feel that I deserve to be in this position and hate any confrontation so try and avoid it. I dress smartly to try and fake it, but still feel like a little girl in an adult world!

In that respect do you feel you lack gravitas?

what respect

Never ever get flustered/shouty or lose your temper. If someone else is ranting and raving or not letting you speak, wait calmly and silently for them to finish. Allow a silent pause when they have run out for their silliness to sink in. Continue in a calm and normal voice.

It's not a whole fix for gravitas but just a tip to help!

Someone once told me the person with the most power in the room breathes the slowest. I've been trying to also be taken more seriously so slow my breathing down, it also slows the speed down with what I'm speaking, answering etc.
Good

My friend was raving about "talking from 9 to 5: women and men at work". I'm going to have a read so I can't personally recommend it but it came to mind as you mentioned it.

You may well have gravitas, it's just the imposter syndrome making you think you don't. Could you work on that with some positive affirmations maybe?

For me, the way I dress has a big impact. When my DC were small it was so hard to bother in the morning, but taking time for my hair, subtle make up, simple manicure etc makes me feel more assertive.

Thank you all. I do have a tendency to speak quickly, especially when stressed so will definitely work on this.

My default option is humour, and I have enough self awareness to know when it isn’t appropriate, but I use it to defuse situations as I hate any kind of conflict. I guess I should stop this...

I’m also rubbish at delegating and do it in an apologetic manner, rather than being clear and assertive about it.

Yeah quit with the apologetic humour is good, nobody completely humourless will be popular, but not as an appeasing measure. A well timed joke is power.

Yes all the above but the best way of getting gravitas is doing your research and knowing your onions.

What is on the next senior meeting at work? Do your research well before, know what is coming up and speak with authority on the matter. Slowly and paced. Cut to the nugget of the problem.

Also don't blame others, take the challenge and talk to your team about solutions not problems.

And get to know your team so that you are delegating to the right person, even if it means shifting their workloads around to get the best out of them all.

First, it's important to note that "gravitas" is only required for women. Quite honestly, it's a made up thing to beat women at work with.

Having said that, the imposter syndrome is all too common. I would work on that. I assume you have achieved your senior position as a result of your performance? Remind yourself of that constantly. Keep a running tally in your head of.your current and recent achievements and again, remind yourself of them regularly.

Imposter syndrome is also what makes you feel apologetic about delegating tasks. Before a meeting or discussion remind yourself you have this authority for a reason. However, being assertive doesn't mean you have to be too hard-core. Discuss projects with team, allocate responsibilities, check everyone knows and is.comfortable with their parts and move on.

A therapist I spent time with a few years ago suggested I consider three words I would like to be described by my colleagues and to imagine those three words on my forehead. It was surprisingly helpful.

Following this with interest op. I just bagged a promotion and now have a team to manage. Eek. Already got some useful tips here so thank you. and I will be refreshing my work wardrobe in the sales on pay day. My advice would be to think about a boss or colleague from your past that you admired and respected. What was it about them you liked? Emulate those aspects. And vice versa. E.g i appreciated former managers who cared about me personally and asked after my kids etc and disliked those who put me bottom of their to-do list. Good luck

I wonder if working on voice projection when anxious (short term coping method, fake it till you make it) and trying to overcome confrontation anxiety (long term solution) may be useful. Using humour to defuse situations may not be a bad thing if it really does work in getting the other side to back down because to others it could show you are in charge and are being more mature. If this isn't the case though, what if you tried using humour with an assertive voice (this links in with the voice projection but isn't the same thing) and without smiling?

Is there anyone (more than 1 is better) whose opinion you can trust at work? You could get a feel for how you're perceived this way. I guess this depends on working environment though, it's not always appropriate to do this if people are more likely to gossip, be sycophants etc.

Finally, you might be exactly where you need to be and don't need to make changes. You are a successful adult who is in a senior position. This is super adulting so you are doing well. Truly well done. It takes time, effort and skill to reach where you are and at least one person has recognised these qualities in you and believes in you, hence why you are in a senior responsible place. Believe in yourself because others definitely do.

Yes, like a previous post, "gravitas" to me always suggests women trying to act more like old-school-men (so no smiles, no jokes or chit-chat, back straight, slow walk, etc etc).

I think it's better to be confident in yourself and who you really are - you've been promoted for a reason after all! If you turn up next week power-dressing, breathing slowly and seeming a bit grim and serious, people will wonder what the hell is wrong.

Can you take some assertiveness training instead or look up techniques? (Count to ten inside before making a conciliatory/humorous remark to fill the silence, etc).

And know your team, their projects and workloads, and keep up to date with how things are going (and if deadlines are reasonable) and how you can help if they need someone else brought in.

Quick tip for delegating/instructing:

When you send an email with the request, first of all, re-read it before you send it and check for any fluffiness. Its ok to be polite, but you don't need to caveat and apologise and simper. Think like Coco Chanel leaving the house, but for email!

Second of all, end the message with a clear thanks in advance. that way you don't need to get into thank you tennis - it doesn't help with the gravitas as well as being timewasting.

I think you can have gravitas in different ways. I’m in a senior role and am non-confrontational; I’m confident in my abilities but not necesssrily assertive. However, the reputation I have is being even-tempered - I don’t get stressed or worked up by situations - and being a pragmatic problem solver. So I find people come to me to help to solve issues and help them see the wood for the trees. I think if you can focus on your strengths and use them to help the wider team you can establish your seniority that way.

My husband bought me this. It's funny and some of the bits made me thing shit, I do that. www.goodreads.com/book/show/39296119-how-to-be-successful-without-hurting-men-s-feelings

One thing I admire about my manager (C-level company director) is his ability to always step back and see the bigger picture and how all the moving parts his team work on come together. I am very aware I am far more zoomed in than him.

Could that be relevant to your role OP?

I think it's less about 'gravitas' and more about authenticity. Decide what kind of leader you want to be - base it on good and bad leaders you've had in the past but also on what YOU think makes you a good leader (I imagine you're already displaying leader like characteristics to be in three position you are in). Good advice up thread about asking for feedback - do you have a trusted colleague that you can ask to feed back on how you come across in meetings? This could help you hone your style.

Ultimately have confidence in yourself - why are you in the position you're in? What helped you get there that you can build on? I deal with lots of senior people and half the time am not the most senior person in the room but I know my technical role better than any of them so take confidence in that.

It's about confidence, it really is.

I'm a director and shareholder of a company. I stay calm and measured, even when I don't feel it, I speak slowly but with conviction, I don't use phrases such as "I feel...", I also make sure that I'm listening to others and change my mind where it is appropriate, (if someone else has a better idea).

Sadly grooming still makes a difference, I'm not talking about wearing heels, or make up, but looking smart and well presented gives people a first impression that you are competent. (And you will feel more confident in yourself).

Always be honest and fair and have empathy for the people who are working for you. Never get involved in gossip or drama.

Also following op. Im starting back in the workplace after a 10yr break. On paper i look great, in reality i still feel 10yrs old

I liked this book when I was in a smilar position 15 years ago with the caveat it was a bit dated and American then and is probably worse now.

Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office
www.goodreads.com/book/show/97641.Nice_Girls_Don_t_Get_the_Corner_Office?from_search=true

There is some brilliant advice here. Thank you all! I love the idea of Coco Channeling my emails! I’ve looked up the books and will definitely be buying.

I think that part of my problem is that when I got this job a couple of years ago it was a big leap! I applied for it as it’s a great job, but didn’t really think I would get it. Obviously i’m delighted that I did, but aware that I am not as experienced as others at my level. This contributes massively to my imposter syndrome especially as I know that there are people who applied for my job that are more experienced than me.

.