How to have more gravitas at work

[Whereisme]

I am in a senior position at work (and already have a bad case of imposter syndrome!) However, I could do with some advice on how to have more gravitas at work. I guess I don’t feel that I deserve to be in this position and hate any confrontation so try and avoid it. I dress smartly to try and fake it, but still feel like a little girl in an adult world!

More expensive clothes. Not joking, that makes a massive difference to how colleagues perceive you.

Fake moustache.

Have been watching this thread and will be using the suggestions. We use One Note at work so will have a little page with them almost as affirmations so I can sneakily view them if in doubt. Thank you and all the best OP and others in this position!

This is such a useful thread - thank you OP for starting it, and to all those who have contributed useful advice!

I'm having a real crisis of confidence and can make good use of many of the tips.

I now have a copy of “Nice girls don’t get the corner office” and plan to start reading it today. The new year seems like the perfect time to improve work me!

I have found all the advice incredibly helpful. Glad to hear that I don’t need to lose my humour as that is very much a part of me! 😊

Back with response to how I have minimised Imposter Syndrome.

1. I had a lovely manager who took me to task over it and really challenged me. He said "you refer to it as MY Imposter Syndrome. As though it is some kind of pet. Are you using it as a safety net or a comforter? You need to make a decision Cuppy whether you want to be like this for the rest of your life, waiting for someone to tap you on the shoulder and say you have been found out, or you can ditch it. It's your choice really."

1. I got rid of the person who had applied for my job, hadn't got it, and was making my life hell as revenge.

1. I started saying thank you at the end of directional emails, rather than please fluffy wuffy could you possibly.... By saying thank you at the end there is an implication that there is no doubt in your mind that your instructions will be carried out. This is also useful with small children.

1. Sorry to be controversial but I work in a very male dominated field (academia) and I looked at some of the totally bloody useless men around me with similar or more senior jobs and realised I wasn't as shit as I thought I was.

Good luck everyone

I mean he was making my life hell as his revenge, not that I got rid of him as revenge!!!

The Lean In website has lots of free, good, short video tutorials.

I finally shook off my impostor syndrome (mostly) when I realised that many of the people I was working with had it too!

I too shook the imposter syndrome by:

1. Talking about it to my line manager to 2 trusted peers, my age (male) who also felt similar feelings to me. We had all moved to senior roles quickly but each of us respected one another to be able to say “but you’re really good at your job” and they’d be like “you are too!”

1. Recognised my achievements and related them to the business goals / objectives. I wrote them down. Bloody hell, i then realised what I’d done to contribute to our organisation.

1. I got personal with people. I dropped the ‘mask’ at work. Everyone has masks for most social / work settings. You put them up, paint them how you like (jovial, kind, annoying, happy, negative, glass half full etc) I learnt early on, on advice from my MD, to be the same at work as at home/with friends. I found straight away I gained more respect. I gave a snippet of my home life away to colleagues / the team and they saw I was ‘normal’ and not someone to be afraid of. I’m quite a sarcastic banter type person so I let people see that. I take the piss out of myself constantly (I’m dead clumsy which is always comical) You can paint a good ‘mask’ with 6 or 7 facts about yourself without giving away your entire life eg married, 2DC, one at secondary, love exercising (and food) and have elderly parents. Within all of that there is then normally some common ground with people that they relate to.

And definitely no. 4 of @cuppycake seriously, the male managers in my industry when I joined it 6 years ago were a shocking disgrace to the word “manager”. By standing up and saying that’s not how to be a manager also gained me a lot of respect and built my confidence and removed the fear that I was an imposter.

I’m also 1/14 senior managers and the only female.

Having read all the above back I sound like a twat and that I’m bigging myself up 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh no no no @Coached ....you were doing so well .

Why not big yourself up? You know full well that no-one else will.
And it's not boasting if you own your success. It's just being honest.

If I hear Usain Bolt in a bar, saying that he's been the fastest man in the world and represented his country at the Olympics...that's not boasting, that's telling the truth.
No doubt, he would balance it out with the races he lost, the days he ran like crap, the sacrifices involved in getting up at dark o'clock for training, being away from home etc etc.
Balanced. All true.

I found this resource on the Lean In page.
Not a huuuuugggge fan of Lean In.
Since writing the book, Sheryl Sandberg has recognised that her situation was more privileged than many other women in the workplace.
But it's a starting point.

I don't know how you get it but am going to read all the tips. In every job I have ever had I am seen as a ditsy airhead for ages, until people actually work directly with me, and they go "but ..you're really competent!" All surprised like. It doesnt help that i have big boobs and big hair and a kind of squeaky voice which gets breathier and faster when im nervous!
I also SO relate to the using humour thing, which is not always appropriate..and has given me some cringe moments.
I'm sure you are really not an imposter. They gave you the responsibility for a reason. Maybe it helps to realise that many many men are really quite rubbish at their management style jobs, they just don't care!

Do not prefix anything you say with "sorry".

My three (female) staff do this all the time, and I am constantly suggesting they don't.

I am by all means not the most alpha (or even beta!) man in the office, but I do not generally apologise for anything whilst at work - unless it is of course a bit of a fxx up and I am talking to my manager.

I used to work in a large engineering company with a female HR director. She marched around as if she owned the place - people gave way to her on the stairs etc.

Similarly, at the appointed time for any meeting room bookings, she walked in without knocking - her time her room - the previous meeting over-running was not her problem :)

Have read now...definitely more expensive clothes. I have one Vivienne Westwood dress (black, severe, stupendous tailoring) I pull out for an occasional confidence boost (well ok, I can't get into it anymore but hopefully with new year dieting I will again!). It helps to have something you feel great in.

Biggest thing IMHO is what you focus on. More senior people make a different kind of remark that comes from seeing things in a more top down way. More stuff like
“What would happen if...”
“Are we being ambitious enough...”
“Is everyone comfortable with...”
“I am hearing that...”
“In my experience...”

More junior people tend to be more micro and concrete. (Of course takes too far this advice turns you into a senior waffler, but injecting a bit of this perspective into your talk will really help.

Let yourself stop worrying about whether everyone has got tea and the papers are printed correctly, and start thinking about the big picture. Think from the point of view of your boss or your boss’s boss: what really matters, what’s really significant?

Just about to start reading the updated “Nice Girls book...”

Some things that I recognise immediately in myself when I reading this thread are saying yes to everything and not considering how it fits in with our startegy, being apologetic when asking people to do things even when I am senior to them and it’s their job and wanting to be liked by everybody!

The 'Nice Girls..' book is really good, if a bit American. I read it quite a few years ago when I got frustrated that my female voice didn't seem to be heard in meetings full of men and I wanted to change that.

I've been told that I have gravitas at work. I think it's a combination of being quite direct (but polite/respectful), not taking any shit from anyone and having a resting bitch face. . I also have no fears of conflict. I've worked in some very confrontational environments (such as trading floors) so people shouting or being unreasonable/emotional doesn't phase me. Stay calm and deal with it, either by finding a resolution or by shutting it down (if it's going nowhere). I have only raised my voice in public at work once in my career (25+ years) and that was about 15 years ago. Someone very senior later said to me "so I hear you lost your legendary cool". They were fine with it but I learned from this incident that apparently I had 'legendary cool' so I thought I'd better hang on to it as it might be useful to keep.

Others on this thread have talked about 'the big picture' and that is definitely important. Junior staff tend to get way too into the detail and be focused on the now/past rather than the future. I think that is one of the biggest jumps as you move into management. You need to constantly be thinking does this align with our strategy? Will this make us money / cut costs? How does it meet our objectives? Are we going in the right direction? What opportunities lie ahead? But you also need to be smart/experienced enough to delve straight into the detail when there's a problem. Being able to zoom in and out is really important. And remembering what really matters. Don't sweat the small stuff.

It's also important to be politically savvy. You need to work out what drives those around you, especially those above you or on your level. Pick your battles carefully. But also make sure that you deal with issues. No running away saying you don't like conflict. You need to face it and deal with it quickly and fairly.

And think about your body language! I don't think anyone has mentioned that yet? Women can be terrible with their body language at work. Look at how you sit in meetings. Are you being subservient? Deferring to men? Looking like you're just grateful to be invited? You need to stop that. You belong in that meeting. Act like you do. Look at how men sit, especially more powerful men. Their confidence clearly shows in their body language. Watch them and mimic them i.e.fake it until you make it. This is where some of my mentees at work really fall down.

Another one loving the tips - I start a new senior position tomorrow and have been worrying about it thinking I have imposter syndrome all over the Xmas break.

I look young for my age and am short so find it hard to gain respect as easily as a man in my position would.

I’m planning on dressing as nicely as I can afford, making sure hair looks nice and not just tying back daily. Not starting a sentence apologetically to anyone, I have an awful habit of doing that. Not overtalking, I always have an urge to fill any gap of silence which usually results in my talking nonsense.

Oh yes on the body language. If at a big meeting/conference, dont have a pen in your hand - the junior person will be taking the minute, not you. I find a good “listening authoritatively” posture if seated at a conference table is to rest your chin on your fist, with your elbow on the table.

Great thread - thanks OP. I’m learning a lot from it.

hate any confrontation so try and avoid it

That is usually the top issue to address. If you avoid the inevitable workplace confrontations it will reduce your effectiveness as a leader. People are reluctant to follow a nervous leader.

I sometimes send juniors on what used to be called "assertiveness training" and is now often called "negotiating skills", "having difficult conversations" etc. Your company may have this as online training but otherwise there is a lot free online. The techniques can be learned and practiced in front of a mirror at home.

I agree also with the Coco Chanel'ing of mails and reports, sitting back and saying less in meetings but not automatically giving way to an interrupting man when you do speak. Never take the notes, allocate that task to someone.

Other pieces of advice which may also help:

• being a good manager or leader helps the people you manage. You are doing it for them as much as yourself
• fake it until you feel it
• "never apologise, never explain"

I wouldn't go mad on the second but if you try it, it will bring you closer to the middle ground. Once you achieve self confidence you can walk around saying "I've no idea" and people will laud you for it.

Mainly though, this is all stuff you can learn and practice.

Great thread! I'm starting a more senior role this month and am feeling very inadequate. Bookmarking this thread for closer reading. Good luck OP (and to all of us)

I know what you mean about imposter syndrome and think it's harder if you've risen through the ranks rather than being hired externally. Amongst other things my employer hired a corporate coach to work with the senior managers and he really helped to empower us and realise that we're not imposters, and deserve to be where we are,

Yes i think fear of conflict is huge - not something i've ever had and i see people crippled by it and it mystifies me tbh. Whats the worst that can happen if someone shouts at you? Nothing, actually. Who cares if people dont like you? Find someone else who does, its a big world. BUT i can lose gravitas the other way - when younger, until the last few years really, i could lose my temper and shout back and be like yeah bitches, you wana go? Lets go! And on one memorable occasion i had the most awful aggresdive womanhating colleague lose his temper because i wouldnt submit and be a goid fearful little girl around him and we ended up in a shouting match. Which was bad.
So i've had to learn to just switch that off completely, bever ever ever do it, its not big its not clever and keeping your cool is best.

Also don’t /overdo/ the style muscle. Looking like you have put on someone else’s clothes/make-up isn’t a good look. The other stuff matters more and let’s you dress how you like (mostly).

What I mean really is that you need to feel comfortable and “yourself” in whatever you wear.