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Original poster

How to have more gravitas at work

94 replies

Whereisme · 29/12/2018 10:00

I am in a senior position at work (and already have a bad case of imposter syndrome!) However, I could do with some advice on how to have more gravitas at work. I guess I don’t feel that I deserve to be in this position and hate any confrontation so try and avoid it. I dress smartly to try and fake it, but still feel like a little girl in an adult world!

OP posts:
BlueBrush · 29/12/2018 13:20

Some really good advice on here. Others have already said that "gravitas" is maybe not what you need to aim for. PP mentioned "authenticity" which is a great suggestion. Another word I like is "credibility" - the idea that you're the sort of manager/colleague someone could go to for advice or information and know that they'd get a sensible answer they could trust.

caesio · 30/12/2018 09:36

Depends on your role OP, but the other thing I found a leap was previously I was in roles where I was a doer , i.e. boss decides work and my job is to do it quickly/well as I can. So my answer would always be to my boss would be "Yes" i can do that.

In a mgmt role took a while to learn if someone client/senior mgmt asked me to do something I shouldn't just say yes, I should pause and think about how it fits with the broader strategy/other commitments. Of course you never say "No" directly but you can push back about relative priorities etc. I think that's a skill thats harder for women as they have been conditioned to say yes/please everyone until they burn out.

All the best with your changes.

alwayslearning789 · 30/12/2018 10:26

That's a really good point caesio

ForalltheSaints · 30/12/2018 11:16

Be on time for meetings, do not turn up late and expect everyone to fit in to your lateness.

sycamore54321 · 30/12/2018 11:21

For delegation, and not being apologetic, I have abandoned the phrase “can you..?” in favour of “I’d like you to...” or “I need you to...”

Weirdly this is a tip I got about parenting toddlers but is actually massively effective at work as well!

BaronessBlonde · 30/12/2018 12:07

I agree with sycamore

Bizarrely, I have the greatest amount of authority when I use the techniques that I learned while dealing with my 3-7year olds!

That is, never become flustered, be clear in your requests, offer and demand total respect regardless of the person's behaviour.

Be authoritative not authoritarian.

BaronessBlonde · 30/12/2018 12:19

Actually, reading back on your OP.

You say that you "have a bad case of imposter syndrome".
Ditch it...it's not helping (and I say this as someone who also feels an imposter). One of the techniques I use is, I "swipe" with my hand whenever I have a thought that undermines myself. Almost as if I am cleaning it away. I didn't notice this until one of my DD's pointed it out to me.

"I don’t feel that I deserve to be in this position" and yet you are.
No doubt you feel that one of the adults has made a mistake and you are about to be revealed as a fake at any moment.
May I suggest you get a set of the confidence cards from The School of Life?
I keep them by my morning tea, and read one every day.

Ah... " hate any confrontation so try and avoid it ."
I think this is one that you may need coaching through...in my experience, the ability to manage conflict is one of the best skills to have.
You are only responsible for your own behaviour in a confrontation....avoiding it, makes your position weaker.
There will always, always be some man one who is happy to stoke conflict or confrontation as a way of controlling a situation.
You need to be able to identify the person starting it, and defuse early on.

thisisjustdaft · 30/12/2018 12:24

Buy a briefcase, seriously!

And when you are walking about at work, especially when going into someone's office, stride in casually but purposefully, don't scurry about.

leghairdontcare · 30/12/2018 12:27

Checking in for some new year inspiration. Talking too fast is something that resonates with me.

Im struggling as I'm essentially deputising for my senior manager but internal politics means he won't give me a title that reflects that so nobody takes me seriously.

Original poster
Whereisme · 30/12/2018 12:51

This is great. I’m feeling really inspired for when I go back to work. Also glad to hear that it’s helping other people.

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 30/12/2018 12:54

Act like a man
Stop talking as much
Walk slower

CallMeSirShotsFired · 30/12/2018 12:58

My CEO is the absolute Master of silence.

He doesn't do it in a gitty way, he simply knows that he doesn't need to fill gaps with chatter, and also that he has the authority (and requirement) to contemplate information properly.

It's very unnerving to receive, though!

OnlineAlienator · 30/12/2018 13:53

Yes silence is a powerful tool. I learnt this from observing people's reaction to my husband.

theredjellybean · 30/12/2018 13:58

@whereisme...are you me ????
I hold a very senior role and have massive imposter syndrome and terrible at delegating, i even apologise to me PA when i ask her to do her job !!!
I am an awful people pleaser and too use humour to diffuse my nerves etc
the men in my team do not seem to have this problem.
i am going to read the books too

StealthPolarBear · 30/12/2018 13:58

If I summarise and get to the bub of the problem I get feedback that I didn't explain my thinking enough. But if I explain my thinking I am waffling and not getting to the point.
Any suggestions?

cuppycakey · 30/12/2018 14:15

I was you 6 years ago OP. I totally get it.

6 years on, I still struggle a little with Imposter Syndrome but it is not nearly as bad as it was.

I agree about talking less and listening more. Dress for the role above you rather than the role you have. I get my nails done twice a month so they are always perfect. Eyebrows and hair highlights every month.

I still crack the jokes but am far more circumspect about my audience (only around people I trust)

The final thing, and this may sound contrary, but I have found that people take me a lot more seriously since I stopped working 24/7 and established a far better work life balance, with no late night or weekend emails.

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2018 14:24

Don't be a people pleaser and meditate for a few minutes each day on what you want to achieve. Plan what tasks you are going to delegate each day and how. Think about objectives and performance all the time. Watch your phrases - no 'I think..' 'in my opinion... 'everything you say needs to be an assertive command or a question. Gaining info is key too - listen and read between the lines. Evaluate everyone as you listen. Work out what motivates them.

Original poster
Whereisme · 30/12/2018 20:36

@cuppycakey how did you get rid of your imposter syndrome? Is there anything that you did specifically that helped?

OP posts:
Thankssomuch · 30/12/2018 20:49

Interesting, cuppycakey I’m reading this thread with interest and I do all of the things you do, but not the last one. I may make it a 2019 resolution!

moggles1234 · 30/12/2018 21:03

Watching for tips too. Lots of good ideas here.

extremelymaturecheese · 30/12/2018 22:02

Don't apologise and be direct when issuing instructions to subordinates.

E.G: "I need your section of the Ninja Report by Wednesday at the latest. Any questions, let me know."

DO NOT say: "Sorry to bother you, but I would be grateful if you could get your part of the Ninja Report to me by Wednesday please, so I can check it, add my part and forward it on to the client." This sounds like you are grateful and that they are doing you a favour rather than doing their job.

Oh, and easier said than done: speak less and watch more.

whenwillthetwitchstrike · 30/12/2018 22:29

I no longer use "just" or "sorry" or "if you don't mind/would you mind". This, combined with cutting out the fluff, means my emails are now a bit too abrupt so I need to continue to work on the tone but at least the message is clear!
I also do my Corporal Jones "don't panic, don't panic" inside my head (or at least in my office with the door shut), wait 20 mins and then come up with a plan. And I often have imaginary conversations with my boss when I run things past him in my head which helps me anticipate what questions he'll ask.

leghairdontcare · 30/12/2018 22:39

I know this is the 'lighter' side of the thread but can anyone recommend a nice sub £200 briefcase?

Coached · 30/12/2018 22:48

Some really good advice on here.

A task for you:

Think of a manager, a really good one, you’ve either reported to or seen in action, what did they do that you liked? List down everything you observed / felt as a subordinate.

Think of a really crap manager, list down everything that you observed / felt.

We have leadership behaviours in our workplace which are really simple behaviours (and are linked to management development training I do which includes the questions above).

Leadership is a skill that gets better with time, experience of things going wrong / right, challenges, on the job training and formal training (tiny part).

The “feels” of good leadership are really interesting to study. Feeling like you have autonomy but someone to catch you if you slip up. Someone to push you out of your comfort zone but give feedback to you so you can improve.

You should definitely speak to your new line manager about how you’re feeling. They should, if they are a good leader, help you work on your development areas as a leader, so that you don’t feel “imposter syndrome”. The very fact you are being reflective, says to me that you are already a good leader and just want to be better. Discuss it with your manager or HR.

Weightsandmeasures · 30/12/2018 22:51

Lead in a way that you are comfortable with. You'll have gravitas if you work on your own brand of leadership. You humour is just fine and as you say, you self-awareness enables you to strike the right balance.

Even the person you think has the most gravitas probably suffers from imposter syndrome. It is more widespread than you think.