How to have more gravitas at work

[Whereisme]

I am in a senior position at work (and already have a bad case of imposter syndrome!) However, I could do with some advice on how to have more gravitas at work. I guess I don’t feel that I deserve to be in this position and hate any confrontation so try and avoid it. I dress smartly to try and fake it, but still feel like a little girl in an adult world!

If you find it hard to break into discussions on conference calls / meetings and then worry that you haven't contributed, I was told to say something early on. Then it's done, you are in the swing of things, have spoken and aren't just stressing that you haven't contributed yet.

I'm assuming that by "Coco Chaneling" emails you all mean cutting out the fluff, not showing Nazi sympathies? That could be v.awks..

I hate the term ‘gravitas ‘ - it just shouts ‘middle aged white man’ to me.

I agree ‘Nice girls... ‘ is a great book.

It's also worth having an 'elevator pitch' ready that trips off your tongue. Who you are / what you do/ what you've delivered / why you are good at your role.

This really helps with networking and when you need to quickly explain who you are. Most men do this without thought (and often with a degree of exaggeration) whilst many women find it hard. Plus if you say it out loud and enough times - it becomes a lot easier.

A couple of other things I've thought of:

• don't comment on other women's clothing. I seem to be programmed to always comment on someone's necklace/shoes/hair cut. I no longer do this unless it is just me & that person;
• you don't have to make idle chit chat. My boss is very good at sitting in silence. I now do it too. This has a double advantage as much of my idle chit chat was self deprecating so did me no favours. An alternative to silence is thinking of something the person you're meeting with did recently and ask what the impact has been, has there been any feedback etc

• ask for agendas before meetings
• call your secretary out if you are the only female at your level and she gives you the work equivalent of wife work. Mine always gives me the papers or tells me about any variation in the standard IT set up etc. It's useful to know but I don't need to know it on behalf of everyone.

I find silences uncomfortable and tend to fill them with self deprecating talk. A friend of mine (and awesome) manager gave me some advice once tegarding asking people to volunteer to take on work during a meeting. I used to hate the silence that sometimes happens when no-one wants to step forwards and she rightly told me that however uncomfortable I found the silence everyone else found it worse. Tried this in a meeting and was desperate to volunteer myself for the task yet again as I felt so awkward. However, I braved it out and eventually someone volunteered! I need to remember how powerful silence can be.

It has taken me quite a long time to get over this feeling! One thing that took me ages to learn but is very important - when you make a decision, sound confident. People look to you for decision making and they want to feel confident in you. So listen to all the relevant information and opinions, consider (but not for too long) and then tell them what’s going to happen. I did a lot of erm, what about that, but then maybe we could do this, argh I don’t know what to do - don’t do this out loud!

Obviously if this turns out to be the wrong decision later on it’s ok to change your mind but explain why and don’t keep flipping

Also as pp said the more senior I’ve got the more I’ve realised that the really senior people are not all that. They’re human and some of them are good at their jobs (but still make mistakes) and some of them not so much...

Going back to work tomorrow and will be using all the advice here. Any last minute words of wisdom welcome!

Yes.

If you are asked a difficult question, that you have to think about a bit...respond off the bat with 'In what context?' which throws the question back to the person to be more specific, whilst you rack your brains for the answer.

If you genuinely don't know, look surprised at yourself and make notes and say 'Thanks for raising that, I will find out in more detail and get back to you'.

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My favourite response "I want to give that some more thought. Let me look into it and I'll get back to you with an update by X" (key part here is I'm promising an update on my progress by that specific time, not promising the whole answer, just in case the question turns out to be hugely complex and contentious). I find it's also helpful phrasing for me, because it restates that my thinking time is valuable and appropriate, so it slows me down a bit.

This is all great. I also need to think more strategically (been told it specifically in a review ahead of potential promotion, and generally across my career). Anyone recommend any good books or talks on getting better at it?

I don't think thinking strategically is about reading books. It's about understanding the market, understanding how all the bits fit together into a bigger picture. It's then about using that information to decide what to do.

Meh I'm not sure about a lot of the advice on here. I think you need to be yourself, be selective about what you say and dress/ present yourself in a way that fits in. Sometimes it is about feeling, sometimes people do see red (although it certainly would be unwise to do this too often) The most important thing though is to know what you're talking about I think, plus deliver what you promised when you promised. And don't pretend to be 'busier' than everyone else it makes you look a bit incompetent. At least this is the case where I work.

If you genuinely don't know, look surprised at yourself and make notes and say 'Thanks for raising that, I will find out in more detail and get back to you'.

Why would you look surprised at yourself? I don't know everything, no one does

Why would you look surprised at yourself? I don't know everything, no one does

It's better than looking sad that you don't know the answer? This thread is about not looking like an idiot at work, and part of that is faking it til you make it. We all do things differently, is it that astonishing that someone might not want to lose face in meetings?

I wouldn't fake it, I would be honest about what I didn't know. I think faking it is the wrong approach.

Good for you. This is a thread about not doing that though.

No its about how to succeed at work. I think faking it is the wrong approach and is probably where this imposter syndrome comes from. Ask questions, use your colleagues expertise if you don't know something that's what successful people do.

I agree, teatea as i think we need to be confident enough to show when we have either missed something or made an error, be honest about it and work with our senior colleagues to move things on using their ideas too - no one can know everything. That (to me) is a sign of genuine confidence.