Where children really better behaved in the past or do people remember with rose tinted glasses?

[username5555]

This is inspired by a video online whereby a toddler was having a massive tantrum on a 8 hour flight.
A lot of the comments underneath basically were how terrible a parent the mother was and how in their day the child wouldn't have dared behave like that.
What is the alleged difference? What are we not doing that we did then? Or do people only remember the good parts and forget their children also behaved like that.
I personally as a mother of a toddler found the comments awful. I suspect the mother was not having the time of her life either.

My tantrums are apparently legendary and even in my 40’s my parents still talk about how I managed to spoil every social occasion at the age of 3.

Parents do say no. On Boxing Day my 8 year old appeared at my side literally every 30 seconds

Can I Play on your phone? - No
Can I play on grandma’s iPad - no
Where’s grandpa’s phone? - you’re not playing on any phone
Can I play on your phone? - No
When can I play on your phone? - you aren’t playing on any phones
Grandma, can I play on your phone? - no, we are not playing on any phpnes

Eventually he gave up and went to play Boggle and UNO. No issues from me with the word no. 8 year old on the other hand struggled to get it

Children could and were walloped by anyone who felt they were misbehaving. This didn’t reduce bad behaviour (if my parent’s and uncles tales of utter delinquency are anything to go by), but they were more careful about where and in front of whom they misbehaved.

I’m not sure that actually counts as “better behaved” though.

When we were growing up 40 years ago NO meant NO and we accepted it

I didn’t. I hated the unilateral “no” and “because i said so”. Probably part of the whole do as i say now childhood i had, or perhaps i had an enquiring brain but I needed reasons to accept something. A straight no just made me resentful and made me feel beaten down with no say.

My kids can argue all they like:). They don’t often, because I usually have a bloody good reason and it’s rare they talk me round. But I am very stubborn and again, it would need a very convincing reason to change my mind.

What I find interesting is no one knows WHY this is... if increased SEND is why we are seeing increased 'poor' behaviour or however we want to interpret that - why? The SENCO threw out something about it being suggested that increased premmie survival rates is one reason

1. Lack of spaces in specialist provision and changes to the EHCP process means that more children with SEND are in mainstream education and budgetary cuts mean they are there without the appropriate level of support or necessary adjustments. A child with SEND who has these things can thrive, a child who does not may become disruptive, belligerent, angry, etc due to not being able to access education and all the frustration this brings.

1. We've gotten better at identifying additional needs and recognising more subtle or atypical traits associated with them. Previously it would only be the most severe cases that were able to be diagnosed but now knowledge of conditions is expanding whereas these children would have previously languished in bottom set or would have been persistent truants or been expelled due to behavioural issues.

Just two of the main reasons I can think of.

I grew up in the 70s, teachers could hit you - so that was nice.

Everyone looks back through rose tinted specs - my mum tried to claim me and my sister didn't argue as kids when she saw my girls bickering. I remember her doing her fruit and nut about how me and my sis would argue about every little thing!

I think it is like childbirth - selective memory from that moment forward

There is definitely less discipline in general these days, kids know their 'rights' and know that many parents, teachers, other adults etc will generally not even comment on bad behaviour, let alone discipline them. I grew up with smacking as the norm, and the cane at school, and I have to say I don't think it's had a harmful effect on anyone I know from that time. A big part of it now is that some parents can't be arsed to discipline their kids or teach good behaviour, easier to stick them in front of a tv or tablet etc (looking at you, sister) while looking at your own.

You have no idea why that child reacted the way he did. It's neither kind nor smart to judge on these isolated incidents.
This may well be part of the problem as to why there are more bratty kids around these days-people always so quick to make exuses for the little darlings.

My mother would have a) given me ‘the look’
and (if that didn’t work)
b) skelped my backside had I done half of what kids do today.

Definitely less well behaved and really there is no respect for anyone. It stems from the lack of punishment and society being far to child centric. Children are taught their rights but they don't realise it comes with responsibilities and respect.

I grew up in the era of the belt. We daren't set a foot out of line. We were afraid of being sent to the head teacher. My family would have been utterly shocked if that had happened. Its nothing like that for most kids now. They don't give a shit about going to the head.

They don't give a shit because they know that the parents wont support the teacher/head. They are defensive about their little darlings and refuse to believe it is their child at fault because in essence it comes back to their parenting.

Good. This thread has descended into “never did me any harm”

The constant refusal to accept as well that ‘they’ when used to tar all young people with the same brush mustvsurely also refer to young people hat you love and care about. Or do many posters on here think that their own children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews are poorly disciplined, disrespectful arseholes?

It would be good to have a proper discussion without it tipping into thoughtless blanket statements

I was taught consistently what is and isn't acceptable, and I knew there would be consequences if I misbehaved. I parent dd in the same way. I wasn't smacked, and neither is dd, but I will remove her from fun activities, remove toys, tell her off if she is naughty, and do not let her get away with poor behaviour.

As a result dd is well behaved. She knows that we are quiet in the cinema, you sit nicely at the table (without a screen), she is polite and people enjoy her company, she is friendly and helpful at school, she doesn't run riot in the supermarket/shops, she walks nicely by the road. I have repeatedly and consistently showed her the boundaries in different situations and she understands what is expected of her.

I think children are badly behaved now because adults let them do whatever they want, even going against teachers who dare to hope the children might behave in school. I respect dd's teachers and speak positively about them and dd therefore respects them too.

Incase it sounds like I am harsh on dd, I will point out that i very rarely shout, I have never been violent towards her, and I am very warm and cuddly with her. I just don't accept bad behaviour.

I'll jump in i have 3 boys my 2nd who is 5 pushes boundries constantly throws himself of the floor laughs in my face if i tell him of he does not care.

he even had me taken into the school because i said no to him so he said i assaulted his hand by nipping him all because i said no and he got grounded for hitting me now his older brother 6 and onr year old touch wood has given me no hassle.

boundaries are put in but he rebels what can i do nothing parents aren't aloud to be parents now quite frankly he has me in tears most days as i don't want to take him anywhere and he just does not listen.

the goverment are to blame for alot of this behaviour as only so much parents can do now hand kids to them and tell them there responsible with there text book parenting see how they get on .

It sounds really hard courtney. I know you feel that the government are to blame so what would you do if the government/state had absolutely no say in parenting. What would you do differently to how you feel you are allowed to parent now?

"Corporal punishment never did me any harm". It killed a lot of other children though, either directly through injury, or indirectly because beaten children take more risks, conceal injuries or illnesses, avoid the protection of adults etc.

Oh, and we grow up into unpleasant and dangerous people.

Also i am a carer with two social workers as parents and my child accused me of nipping him lol thankfully they knew he was talking rubbish but all i could think about was my children and job ... the most hurtful thing is for your child to make a allegation like that then laugh and try play and cuddle me in the room when i was talking to his teacher .... just absoutley feel wrecked by his behaviour im embarrassed and dont tolerate his behaviour he gets toys removed time out etc he just repeats said behaviour 5 mins later ....

I'm waiting on a behaviour assesment taking place as he's had development issues from a baby but i still dont think this excuses his behaviour as he is aware of what he does he covers his ears when i talk to him or laughs at me or just walks away.

It’s entirely possible that discipline was too rigid and corporal punishment was bad back in the day AND that too many parents are too lenient with their kids now.

It’s not really either or tbh.
There’s like a whole range of things in between those two.

Corporal punishment never did me any harm

It did me harm. I still struggle to challenge authority figures. I don't think it's a good thing. But we do need to offer parenting support to those that have never experienced other forms of behaviour management so that they have some tools with which to enforce boundaries. The amount of parents I've spoken to who say that they can't stop their kids running riot because they aren't allowed to smack them! They ask me to tell their kids to go to bed when they're told and get off the computer at night because they genuinely don't know how to do it themselves without resorting to violence. There are effective non-corporal methods but we need to teach them to parents as required/requested.

Not just different but i believe technology is to blame too remove ipads send kids to there room when adults come in as my son just jumps in everyones faces then tells his teacher i put him in his room for not behaving so what i got sent to my room when adults came in ... remember kids should be heard and not seen etc now you can't even put them in there room without judgement as its isolating them.

I'll clear this up i never believe in hitting a child for no reason i got hit when i stepped out of line and yes it never done me harm and i did fear it but i feared the look by my dad more my dad hit me once basically tickled my hand and he cried lol.

I respected my elders kids don't these days but i think to tap your childs hand when they've extremley over stepped the mark might make them fear something I've removed my kids ipad completley now as he kept soiling himself when on it and just laughed everytime so i removed it does it make me a bad parent?

I do think parental expectations in terms of behaviour are much lower these days. I was a child in the 70s, we were expected to sit quietly at the table and have good manners. These days I hear parents saying children can’t be expected to sit through a meal, and that table manners aren’t important.

I can remember sitting through an hour long church service every Sunday from the age of 3 or 4, I was expected to behave, bad behaviour in church would have been unthinkable.
I work in a nursery and lots of parents genuinely believe their children are not capable of following an instruction. They also don’t seem to understand why boundaries (and enforcing them) are important. Their expectations are often just very low.
I do wonder if we do kids any favours by underestimating what they are capable of.

I think the biggest issues are social isolation and judgement.
I grew up in the 60s and 70s and our parents were not endlessly judged. We were allowed out all day, broadly unsupervised and if anything happened it was considered to be what it was - an accident.
My mum also knew all her neighbours and all the parents knew each other and helped each other out.

I feel desperately sorry for SAHPs havingvto do everything perfectly and without anything except some haphazard support if they are lucky

But Courtney I genuinely don’t think anyone would judge you for removing devices or giving an overstimulated child some time on his own. Those are good, appropriate strategies where applied consistently. I can’t understand why you feel that you are not backed up and supported by teachers.

That makes me really sad that parents genuinely are doing the best they can but threads with some of the comments like on here make them feel belittled and unsupported.

Some children are challenging and will push every single boundary. I know many kids who have excellent parents but they still push self-destruct. I also know some kids who have essentially raised themselves. They have had little or no parenting, structure or routine but they become wonderful young people and effective adults.

They are not born empty vessels and sometimes they character drives them more than any external factor

I agree with this pagwatch i honestly feel sometimes my kids aren't mine ...

How dare i tell my child of and put in consequences for his naughty behaviour when really i should just let him walk the street hitting everybody and not say one word to him.

I have never hit my children i would never want to inflict pain onto anyone never mind a helpless child but they need to fear the thought of something.

It was just the vibe i got from his teachers that i shouldnt be removing his pad and they then questioned why he was in a room on his own ...

It gets to the point you feel like just asking tgem what they would do when you go to the ends of the earth for for your children and one of them has you walking on egg shells 24/7.