Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Secret Santa Etiquette

92 replies

happyinherts · 14/12/2018 21:35

Today my autistic / Asperger's daughter was left fighting back tears when she was the only one in the office who didn't receive a Secret Santa present. She took a lot of time, effort and delight in spending £10 on a colleague, thinking of hobbies, likes, etc, and recipient was most grateful.

Everyone went round the office asking each other what they had received from Secret Santa, my daughter had to repeat 'nothing.' She was very upset about this and believes firmly that whoever had her name deliberately refused to buy a gift. Her supervisor tells her she shouldn't be expecting anything at all.

Point is, if everyone draws a name out of the Secret Santa hat and agrees to spend £10, you should expect a Secret Santa present, shouldn't you? My daughter is very upset by colleagues remarks that she shouldn't be expecting anything. Isn't the etiquette that if you participate, you do receive?

The office is situated next door to Morrisons, Asda, M&S, Wilko, etc and no one thought to then go and buy a little something extra - but leave a bitterly distraught girl with Aspergers syndrome clearly upset, having to repeat that she didn't get a present, and now heartbroken that in her mind an unknown colleague had her name but deliberately ignored her.

To the outsiders this does sound trivial, but to a parent of a young lady with Aspergers who tries very hard to socialise, travel, work full time, but takes so much to heart - it upsets me to see her so upset and having to face everyone again on Monday. What is Secret Santa etiquette? You should spend £10 and expect nothing in return? I don't wish to appear grabby or entitled, just wondered what etiquette is.

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 14/12/2018 21:37

Oh bless her. She should have definitely received something back!

I think anyone would be annoyed, but can understand especially to someone like your daughter this feels a very big deal. Bless her. Hope she doesn't take it personally, probably just someone rubbish who forgot/couldnt be arsed.

confusednorthner · 14/12/2018 21:37

Oh no your poor dd! Surely they asked who wanted to take part when they did names? We all agree to take part , put our names in and then all pull one out. I feel so sorry for your dd 😕

Buggeroffbingbunny · 14/12/2018 21:39

Yeh definitely secret Santa works by everyone who buys also receives!

Your poor daughter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
ilovesooty · 14/12/2018 21:39

Your poor daughter. Of course she should have received something. Some people are so thoughtless.

mysteryfairy · 14/12/2018 21:43

Was someone off sick? The gift may yet arrive. However the supervisor should have gone out and got something for her today.

FadedRed · 14/12/2018 21:44

No it’s really not trivial, at the least it’s lazy and thoughtless by her SS, at worst it’s cruel.
Her manager’s response is also appalling. She should have made up a story and got her a present to make up for it, at least anyone with a heart would have done that.
Flowers for your DD.
There was a recent thread on Secret Santa’s which had similar stories. Next year, tell her she doesn’t have to join in, she should spend her £10 on something she would like for herself, and bugger the lot of them!

Sturmundcalm · 14/12/2018 21:45

why on earth would folk say she "shouldn't expect anything"?!? bollocks - the whole point is that everybody gives and everybody gets.

so sorry for her and i'd be really upset in her shoes too...

Redshoeblueshoe · 14/12/2018 21:45

That's disgraceful. Her supervisor is a bully. Of course she should expect a present from a secret Santa.

ihatehoney · 14/12/2018 21:46

That's so upsetting for your daughter OP, I'd also feel extremely upset and embarrassed if I didn't receive a gift but took part and I don't have Aspergers! The whole point is for people who want to take part to do it, someone had her name and either didn't buy a gift (by accident or on purpose) or it was simply done out of spite.

Her boss really should have been more understanding, what an awful reply!

ihatehoney · 14/12/2018 21:47

Show her this thread and let her see that we all agree with her, she was so mistreated. There are some nice people out here in the world💐💐

Sending her best wishes!

Simonsaysitschristmas · 14/12/2018 21:48

We always have spare bottles of fizz stashed away for this scenario. People who know they are likely to forget or not put in effort should not participate in my opinion- it’s a horrible feeling when you have put in so much thought and care picking something on such a small budget to then be forgotten and not receive anything - I really feel for your DD. Seems weird that her manager told her that she shouldn’t expect anything - Are they always this unkind to her?

Fairyliz · 14/12/2018 21:48

Wow I would be upset if someone deliberately didn't get me something and I'm in my 50's!

That's really mean surely as people have said her supervisor could have gone out and got her some chocolates.

KnittingSister · 14/12/2018 21:50

I've been left out of SS in previous years and its not nice. As you say, you spend time,money,effort on buying something, so someone should buy for you. I think it's quite understandable to be upset Flowers for DD.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/12/2018 21:50

What vile colleagues she has. Everyone who partakes gets a gift- and if anyone is off sick or forgotten to buy something then I’ve seen office managers run out and buy them a mug

SilverDoe · 14/12/2018 21:51

The people organising secret Santa’s are not supposed to let it go ahead if someone doesn’t have a present. At the very leasf if possible the rogue non giver should have their present given to their givee.

It’s not trivial. It’s fucking horrible and I would feel incredibly marginalised by this. To then be told that I shouldn’t have expected anything? I’d be furious. It’s a fucking secret santa!

Stormy76 · 14/12/2018 21:51

I organise the secret santa in my workplace and it is entirely optional to sign up for it but I would absolutely expect that any one taking part would actually buy a gift! In fact I do worry about this happening and always have a spare gift to hand just in case!

Her supervisor sounds like an arse and who ever it was that did that is cruel.

ScreamingValenta · 14/12/2018 21:51

Yes, everyone who takes part should receive a gift. When I had the misfortune to be organising a Secret Santa for my team, I bought something myself for the person whose 'Santa' had gone on long-term-sick, so no one would be empty handed on the day.

Your DD's supervisor is misinformed about the etiquette. Flowers for your DD.

Needallthesleep · 14/12/2018 21:51

Agree with the pp that there was a thread recently about secret santa where this was incredibly common. It’s obviously horribly thoughtless that someone didn’t get your daughter a gift, but I doubt it is personal.

laramara · 14/12/2018 21:52

It's very poor that whoever was organising it didn't check beforehand that there were actually were presents for everyone, just awful for your daughter.

Original poster
happyinherts · 14/12/2018 21:53

Supervisor took her into the board room and said she shouldn't expect anything.

I think that's what's affected her so badly, having to go into the board room and then come out and face everyone.

The gifts have been there for two weeks, with today designated as opening day with the Christmas Jumper charity thing as well. There was one present left for a remote member of staff who does not call into the office - he was telephoned to ask if my daughter could have it, and of course he agreed. It was a box of Lindt chocolates. However, the donator of these chocolates then kicked off saying "I bought that for X, not you. I'll have them back, if you don't mind.' Hence supervisory involvement and chat about not being entitled to anything.

My daughter is still trying to fight back the tears. She's much younger in maturity than her years and has worked so hard to be sociable. This will put her back a bit. I know it sounds trivial but Aspergers is so difficult to analyse and it's just horrible to see someone so upset. This girl would give her last 1p away. She thinks of everybody for personalised gifts and has never asked for anything, ever. I hope it's forgotten about on Monday.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 14/12/2018 21:53

Everyone who is taking part in a secret Santa should buy and receive a gift. If that person who got her name has an issue with it, they really shouldn’t be taking part.

Very unkind.

FreshEyre · 14/12/2018 21:54

That is so wrong, if you receive a Secret Santa present you should contribute. Surely that's the point.

If the 'giver' was off sick or forgot then someone (the supervisor) should have made sure that your daughter had a gift.

Similar happened to DD at school once. All of the Secret Santa gifts were brought in and put under the tree in the classroom. On the last day of term there was still nothing for DD. Fortunately DD's teacher cobbled something together for her but she knew that she'd been forgotten and was quite upset that her classmate hadn't bothered.

A gift arrived for her on the first day back after the Christmas holidays with an excuse that it hadn't arrived in time. It was too late by then.

Hope your DD is ok. ThanksThanksThanks

SilverDoe · 14/12/2018 21:54

There was one present left for a remote member of staff who does not call into the office - he was telephoned to ask if my daughter could have it, and of course he agreed. It was a box of Lindt chocolates. However, the donator of these chocolates then kicked off saying "I bought that for X, not you. I'll have them back, if you don't mind.' Hence supervisory involvement and chat about not being entitled to anything.

Can your DD leave? :( :( :(

Original poster
happyinherts · 14/12/2018 21:54

PS - Thank you all for lovely comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyinherts · 14/12/2018 21:56

Silver Doe - my daughter has Aspergers syndrome and would find it extremely difficult to get another job. Her employers were not aware she had a diagnosis, just thought she was very punctual and incredibly hardworking (autistic traits). She would not be your ideal choice at interview stage due to lacking communication skills. She hasn't been overly unhappy at her company, but would be too scared to look for another job.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread