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Original poster

Secret Santa Etiquette

92 replies

happyinherts · 14/12/2018 21:35

Today my autistic / Asperger's daughter was left fighting back tears when she was the only one in the office who didn't receive a Secret Santa present. She took a lot of time, effort and delight in spending £10 on a colleague, thinking of hobbies, likes, etc, and recipient was most grateful.

Everyone went round the office asking each other what they had received from Secret Santa, my daughter had to repeat 'nothing.' She was very upset about this and believes firmly that whoever had her name deliberately refused to buy a gift. Her supervisor tells her she shouldn't be expecting anything at all.

Point is, if everyone draws a name out of the Secret Santa hat and agrees to spend £10, you should expect a Secret Santa present, shouldn't you? My daughter is very upset by colleagues remarks that she shouldn't be expecting anything. Isn't the etiquette that if you participate, you do receive?

The office is situated next door to Morrisons, Asda, M&S, Wilko, etc and no one thought to then go and buy a little something extra - but leave a bitterly distraught girl with Aspergers syndrome clearly upset, having to repeat that she didn't get a present, and now heartbroken that in her mind an unknown colleague had her name but deliberately ignored her.

To the outsiders this does sound trivial, but to a parent of a young lady with Aspergers who tries very hard to socialise, travel, work full time, but takes so much to heart - it upsets me to see her so upset and having to face everyone again on Monday. What is Secret Santa etiquette? You should spend £10 and expect nothing in return? I don't wish to appear grabby or entitled, just wondered what etiquette is.

OP posts:

KMoKMo · 14/12/2018 21:56

Agree with all the above posters! Everyone getting something is entirely the point. Did the supervisor organise it? Someone should have a list of who got who and should be chasing it.
My DH had a forced secret Santa at his previous workplace. He really didn’t want to do it but there was no option to opt out. He wanted to get nothing to make a point but I made him get something. And not only get something but try to consider what the giftee would like. How bad would you feel not to receive anything? You’d absolutely feel like you weren’t worth someone’s time and effort.
Your poor DD and poor you

ILoveDolly · 14/12/2018 21:57

That's awful. They did SS at my daughters class and the supervising teacher postponed it because someone had forgotten, and he said they wouldn't give out the presents until there were enough. Of course, the moocher/forgetful person brought a present in sharpish because they wanted a gift!
IMO people who don't bring in a gift should be excluded from the ss.

lunar1 · 14/12/2018 21:59

You dd is spot on she should have expected a gift. The supervisor doesn't sound to bright if they don't understand the concept of secret Santa

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations

Skipuation · 14/12/2018 22:00

Your poor dd. This is bullying and possibly discrimination. And a spectacular fuck up from the secret Santa organiser. As a pp said, there should be contingency presents for no shows.
And the donator of the chocs who kicked up a fuss - actually think they are the biggest cunt here. Shame shame shame!

tootiredtospeak · 14/12/2018 22:04

WTF I am even more stunned that the person who bought the Lindt asked for them back. What a bitch even if she wasnt aware. I really dont think you can do anything apart from give her a lovely weekend to take her mind of it. That said I would be tempted to wait outside work for the Lindt woman and educate her a little on how xmas is about being kind and caring and how hopefully Karma will give her a slap one day even if you cant.

sandgrown · 14/12/2018 22:04

Last year we had a secret Santa where we had to buy socks with a £5 budget. I put a lot of effort into buying the best I could on a small budget. When I got my present it was a box of cheap toffees from the pound shop. I was pretty unhappy and my colleagues knew. I felt someone must dislike me. Later that evening I opened the tin to show DP and found my socks hidden under the toffees. I was a bit shamefaced the following day!
How awful for your DD. Every participant should receive a gift . We open ours together usually so it would soon become apparent someone had missed out. The supervisor should have nipped out and bought something .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2018 22:07

Your poor daughter, OP. I don't think it's the 'gift' itself as that's usually quite banal and lacking thought (your daughter's SS gift excepted). It's the being left out. Secret Santa is a tribal thing, a 'belongingness' and if you're left out then it gives the message that you don't belong and aren't accepted. Horrible.

The twat who said he bought the chocolates for the other person was the one who should have been called into the boardroom and put straight - and the 'supervisor' with him.

Original poster

happyinherts · 14/12/2018 22:10

Yes, it's a combination of trying so hard to please someone, supervisor's comments and donator of the Lindt chocolates actually having the bare faced nerve to ask for them back. Unbelievable, that is.

On the way home, my daughter bought four beautiful Cadbury stockings, one for each of us in house - although she's already put gifts for us under the tree. Beautiful purple felt stockings they are with Cadbury gifts - just to make herself feel better. She's a sweetheart.

OP posts:

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 14/12/2018 22:12

What a bunch of cunts!

I made sure our new staff member had a SS gift last year as she joined just after the names were picked.

It just didn’t sit right with me that she shouldn’t be included when starting a new job.

MincePieMum · 14/12/2018 22:17

As a line manager, I always copped for buying extra presents for those who did not get anything in SS. I then organised a draw with an 'administrator' who wrote down who draw which name. I've never had to put extra gifts in since, it adds that level of accountability. You can't get away with not giving something.

Sorry your DD has had this, supervisor should have responded better. But not all supervisors have the spare cash to buy extra gifts.

DrWashout · 14/12/2018 22:17

That's awful! Organisers should keep a list of who's buying for whom and make sure these things don't happen, but the dismissal of her upset is the worst part.

I have colleagues who boycott secret santa since the time they gave but did not receive. It's horrible. Why would they put themselves in that position again?

SantaClauseMightWork · 14/12/2018 22:18

I think it is the Lindt person who should have been taken into the board room. What a toxic bunch.

Emus · 14/12/2018 22:19

Your daughter sounds lovely, the same cannot be said for the people she works with.

I have organised secret Santa's in the past and I always kept at least two/three spare gifts for incidents like this. Unacceptable that this wasn't dealt with properly and that your daughter has been left feeling the way she has.

Valkarie · 14/12/2018 22:28

I don't have aspergers and I would be bloody livid if I went to the effort and expense of secret Santa and got nothing back. And the organiser normally knows who has who, as someone always ends up drawing themselves and the names go back in the pot again (unless using a fancy internet generator). Even if you are in a large office or get someone new, there are the I don't know you options of bath stuff, chocolate and mugs. And the cheeky mare who demanded the chocolates back also ended up with a gift for free!

1busybee · 14/12/2018 22:29

I think it may have been the supervisor who was her secret Santa - no one else in their right mind would have reacted that way.....and then added by the person who wouldn’t give over the chocolates - maybe they knew it was the supervisors fault and was trying to say no because the supervisor should deal with it but it came across as negative to your daughter. I feel really sorry for her and don’t know what to say to make it better but she has been very unlucky with her work colleagues.

Sosounhappy · 14/12/2018 22:30

I organise one and always buy a spare present just in case. Poor thing xx

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 14/12/2018 22:30

Agree the lindt arsehole should have been taken into the 'boardroom'.
Sounds like the supervisor is a pathetic manager who someone aldo needs a word with.
Hard to ignore but please do take heart, it is them not you. I hope the CUNT who took the chocolates back chokes on them.
Sorry for the language but i think it's needed.

KnittingSister · 14/12/2018 22:30

Yes to busy bee.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 14/12/2018 22:32

What a bunch of cunts!

This. What a disgraceful bunch of people. How unfortunate that so many stupid and unpleasant people are in the same place. And the worst part is they are completely wrong, that is exactly how Secret Santa is supposed to work- everyone involved buys and receives a gift. The person who arranged it should have been able to easily look up who was supposed to have got her a present and should have made sure everyone has presents before handing them out ( especially if they were sitting there for days). The supervisor is wrong and the Lindt lady is horrid. This kind of behaviour makes me so cross.

cheeseonion · 14/12/2018 22:34

This makes me teary. What absolute arseholes your DD works with.

The Lindt person is just unbelievable.

In most scenarios I'd imagine people would be trying to find a spare gift to make this ok not actively make it worse.

I hope you can get her to believe and understand this is truly out of order and no reflection on her at all.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/12/2018 22:36

The manager is too stupid to understand the concept of secret Santa. Everyone gets a gift and can expect to get one, and if someone doesn’t get one, someone else has fucked up.

Your poor DD. She sounds so lovely and the team she’s in sound like toxic idiots.

—> 🎁 for her!

SneakyGremlinsBrokeTheSleigh · 14/12/2018 22:37

Your DD sounds like one of the loveliest people I've heard of.

That supervisor though?

GunpowderGelatine · 14/12/2018 22:38

Oh no that's awful your poor DD this is precisely why I don't ever do secret Santa. I've been the person who someone forgot or remembered last minute and they nipped to the co-op for a bag of Maltesers after I put thought and effort into a present. Total bastards.

GunpowderGelatine · 14/12/2018 22:39

But when I did organise it at an old workplace I made sure I knew who had who so I could chase the people who hadn't brought theirs in (always made sure people brought them in as they bought them)

Original poster

happyinherts · 14/12/2018 22:41

Thanks all - what has also got to me this evening is that while I'm trying to console a girl who is upset over a £10 gift - there's a thread on this forum about the importance of a £10 bonus to those receiving disability allowances and what recipients will do with it. It makes us look like heartless selfish in comparison. (My daughter doesn't claim PIP because she's never deemed herself to warrant it - she goes to work, earns a wage etc) Makes me think of the good £10 would do in the right hands. No one in my daughter's office is reliant on a secret santa gift, but there are so many people out there that are and would truly be so grateful.

I don't have the words to express how I feel about 'wanting your secret Santa gift' when there's so many disadvantaged out there who I'd have preferred to donate to. The difference between a bus fare to the hospital and not - the difference between electricity and not - etc. That humbles me and upsets me - secret santa is piffle in comparison and next year we will buy a gift for a family in need instead.

Thank you all for the virtual flowers and lovely comments. They've made our evening so much more enjoyable x

OP posts:

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