Secret Santa Etiquette

[happyinherts]

Today my autistic / Asperger's daughter was left fighting back tears when she was the only one in the office who didn't receive a Secret Santa present. She took a lot of time, effort and delight in spending £10 on a colleague, thinking of hobbies, likes, etc, and recipient was most grateful.

Everyone went round the office asking each other what they had received from Secret Santa, my daughter had to repeat 'nothing.' She was very upset about this and believes firmly that whoever had her name deliberately refused to buy a gift. Her supervisor tells her she shouldn't be expecting anything at all.

Point is, if everyone draws a name out of the Secret Santa hat and agrees to spend £10, you should expect a Secret Santa present, shouldn't you? My daughter is very upset by colleagues remarks that she shouldn't be expecting anything. Isn't the etiquette that if you participate, you do receive?

The office is situated next door to Morrisons, Asda, M&S, Wilko, etc and no one thought to then go and buy a little something extra - but leave a bitterly distraught girl with Aspergers syndrome clearly upset, having to repeat that she didn't get a present, and now heartbroken that in her mind an unknown colleague had her name but deliberately ignored her.

To the outsiders this does sound trivial, but to a parent of a young lady with Aspergers who tries very hard to socialise, travel, work full time, but takes so much to heart - it upsets me to see her so upset and having to face everyone again on Monday. What is Secret Santa etiquette? You should spend £10 and expect nothing in return? I don't wish to appear grabby or entitled, just wondered what etiquette is.

Is it possible the person who had her was off sick or on holiday? Otherwise it's really bad form. In my office you choice if you want to take part and if you want to then you do it, no matter who you draw. Like you said, you can always buy a generics gift like chocolates. hope your daughter feels better about it soon.

She definitely deserves a present - if you join in you join in for giving and receiving.

Your daughter is not in the wrong at all and has been let down by her colleagues and her supervisor.

I don't have aspergers, but I didn't receive anything TWICE in a row and I was a bit upset and annoyed. When they asked me if I was participating this year I said no and explained why. They can all go fuck themselves.

In fairness the person who was buying for me was quite ill for a couple of weeks and off sick, fair enough. But I would still try and buy something when I was feeling better. Never too late.

I would have ended up popping to the shop and buying your daughter a gift. It's completely unacceptable and if the company has a procedure I would complain about her supervisor

The inclusion of the remote worker seems strange. Especially if he was the only remote worker included. Sound like he didn't buy a gift.

Or the Lindt Bitch had drew your dd but decided to buy for the remote worker instead. Double Bitch.

Are the names similar so the Lindt Bitch could have made a mistake over who to buy for?

This

That’s totally unacceptable and the ‘supervisor’ sounds like an absolute dick. Your poor daughter 🙁

It’s most definitely not trivial and the supervisor who said she shouldn’t expect anything is wrong. That’s the whole point of Secret Santa. Last year one of our managers “forgot” to buy his secret Santa and the whole office was angry at him. We all clubbed together and bought a huge present for the person who had been left out on the day. This year we had to let the organiser know who we picked out so it doesn’t happen again (and the manager wasn’t invited. He works in a different office anyway).

I am a supervisor and I always buy a few extra gifts just in case and then I can ‘find’ the missing present down the back of a desk or something. I would be upset at this and I am in my 30s. The Lindt woman sounds horrible and the supervisor is worse.

Your poor daughter. She sounds lovely.

Your poor daughter. To have this happen is so sad but what the supervisor and her colleague did makes it so much worse. It sounds like someone has messed up and not put your daughters name in but for some reason but this external workers in for some reason.

I hope the supervisor comes to their senses over the weekend and investigates.

Oh, your poor daughter.

I don’t have autism, and I’m probably quite a hard-nosed person, but I think I’d be very upset if that had happened to me.

For work SS this year, I was out sick. Wasn’t able to get to office/post office to drop it off and felt awful. I emailed my recipient, explained, and had it on her desk before she arrived on the day I got back. She didn’t mind at all, and appreciated that I’d let her know. I’d have hated if she thought she was forgotten about.

SS can be great fun when it’s managed well, but can really cause upset.

@happyinherts - I know you didn't ask but could you PM me your address? I would like to send her a little secret Santa. Festive season and all that

Thank you all. My daughter has gone out with a girl from school today and I'm encouraging her to put it on the back burner and not give it any more thought. Need to learn that life doesn't go the way you expect and how to cope.

There are a few remote workers. They're field engineers who only come into the office a few times per year, so I'm not at all sure how they get involved in Secret Santa. Perhaps they have a manager who meets with them all, I really don't know. Anyway, no Lindt chocolate girl could not have got names mixed up - one is a definite male name and my daughter's isn't !!! The supervisor knows who didn't contribute. She has a list, but wouldn't say.

It's not a bad place to work all said, my daughter hasn't commented on any other episodes she would be upset about, and does try and go out to lunch with different members of staff each week. Her communication skills aren't good and dealing with members of the public and or telephone communication are non-starters, so for that reason I think my daughter would like to stay put in her job. She's not overly unhappy. She works with computers and data entry and basically just gets on with it - 9.30 to 5pm.

She was very touched by the kind messages yesterday, and managed to smile. Since then there have been some beautiful messages which restore our faith in humanity. We both send grateful thanks for opinions and kind messages.

She has a terrible manager and two asshole colleagues. Once she's been there a while and has some experience I'd encourage her to apply elsewhere.

She can disclose her autism once invited to interview and talk about the benefits. She can also ask for adjustments eg written questions 5 mins before interview to allow her time to process them.

If a company takes her on knowing about it they will be a good company to work for. If they refuse to interview her when they find out they are not worth working for.

She shouldn't have to settle for working for a shitty company because she's autistic.

This has nothing to do with your DD’s Aspergers. In Secret Santa you give a gift and receive a gift. So you spend £10 and you get £10 back. If someone has failed to get your DD a gift that means they’ve received but not given! That’s dishonest and not in the spirit of Secret Santa. Anyone would be annoyed if they spent £10 and got nothing in return. Imo the supervisor should be investigating to see who is ripping off others!

surely the administrator with the list should send the allocated giver off to buy something. who would ever say you shouldn't expect something???!!!

Your poor daughter. This happened to me last year. My manager apologised on behalf of the person who 'hadn't had time' to get a gift (but happily accepted theirs!). I was presented with a gift in January which had clearly been an unwanted Christmas present

In previous years I have also received broken picture frames and items which are clearly something the person has just grabbed from home and wrapped. All went straight in the bin.

I've also seen a colleague left tearful and embarrassed when presented with sex toys 'as a joke'.

I still take part in SS each year but groan every time it's suggested.

God knows what I'll be presented with this year. If anything.

I hope your daughter has a lovely Christmas. Her colleagues sound truly awful.