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Original poster

Secret Santa Etiquette

92 replies

happyinherts · 14/12/2018 21:35

Today my autistic / Asperger's daughter was left fighting back tears when she was the only one in the office who didn't receive a Secret Santa present. She took a lot of time, effort and delight in spending £10 on a colleague, thinking of hobbies, likes, etc, and recipient was most grateful.

Everyone went round the office asking each other what they had received from Secret Santa, my daughter had to repeat 'nothing.' She was very upset about this and believes firmly that whoever had her name deliberately refused to buy a gift. Her supervisor tells her she shouldn't be expecting anything at all.

Point is, if everyone draws a name out of the Secret Santa hat and agrees to spend £10, you should expect a Secret Santa present, shouldn't you? My daughter is very upset by colleagues remarks that she shouldn't be expecting anything. Isn't the etiquette that if you participate, you do receive?

The office is situated next door to Morrisons, Asda, M&S, Wilko, etc and no one thought to then go and buy a little something extra - but leave a bitterly distraught girl with Aspergers syndrome clearly upset, having to repeat that she didn't get a present, and now heartbroken that in her mind an unknown colleague had her name but deliberately ignored her.

To the outsiders this does sound trivial, but to a parent of a young lady with Aspergers who tries very hard to socialise, travel, work full time, but takes so much to heart - it upsets me to see her so upset and having to face everyone again on Monday. What is Secret Santa etiquette? You should spend £10 and expect nothing in return? I don't wish to appear grabby or entitled, just wondered what etiquette is.

OP posts:

Notatallobvious · 14/12/2018 22:42

What a nasty bunch of people she works with! Bad enough that she got left out but to then be made to feel worse by her supervisor is sickening. I can't believe one of the team hadn't got the decency to speak up for her! The rule with SS is that you opt in or out, and anyone in has to buy for someone else. I'm fuming on her behalf 😡

CurbsideProphet · 14/12/2018 22:42

That sounds like an absolutely awful workplace. Wtf is wrong with management to allow such shit behaviour by staff to their colleagues

I hope your DD is ok does an organisation like N A S offer help with things like looking for work / employment support?

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/12/2018 22:44

You sound like a truly wonderful family. Have an amazing Christmas

Interested in this thread?

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SusieQ5604 · 14/12/2018 22:49

What JERKS!!! Most especially the donor of the chocolates! I'd definitely encourage her to start looking for another job. Even if it takes a while.

HannahnotAgnes · 14/12/2018 22:50

Your poor DD - this isn't about the secret Santa gift but about being treated very poorly by her colleagues & supervisor. It really sounds like a toxic workplace. I hope your DD is ok.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 14/12/2018 22:52

Your poor DD. She sounds like a generous and kind young woman.

What a horrid situation and very poor management. So someone has received a gift without contributing? Effectively that’s theft. Why should anyone participate if they’d weren’t also expecting to receive a present, that’s how a Secret Santa works.

The management should not have allowed this to happen and then what they have said to her makes the situation worse. I don’t understand how any manager could let this occur.

I wonder if the remote worker was the one who had your DD to buy for? That’s the only scenario I can imagine that would allow for no gift being ready for her, not that that would be reasonable.

I hope that there is a gift waiting for her next time she is in work.

AlexaShutUp · 14/12/2018 22:53

I'm so very sorry that this happened to your daughter, OP. It would be upsetting for anyone, and must be particularly difficult for her when she has tried so hard to fit in. I can hardly believe that the person who bought the Lindt chocolates demanded to have them back. FFS!

The culture sounds absolutely toxic, and the supervisor sounds very unpleasant. I know it's difficult, but is there any way you can support dd in working towards finding a new job in the new year? She deserves to be treated with respect and dignity in the workplace, and a bit of human decency.

gottachangethename1 · 14/12/2018 22:56

Poor love. Someone at our place got left out because the person buying there’s ‘forgot’. How many bloody emails does it take to remind people! I’m determined not to get involved again next year, I had yet another gift today to which the person had given no thought whatsoever. It shouldn’t be that big a deal, but I think it definitely identifies those that really don’t give a shit.

Soggiemoggie · 14/12/2018 22:58

Your poor DD OP! It sounds like a truly horrible place to work tbh and would encourage her to find a new job in the new year. This would be such an embarrassing situation for anyone. The team sound very mean and probably not the best environment for your daughter to thrive in. Btw I manage a largish team and made sure that last year's SS everyone had a gift - this included going to get a gift for someone who had been missed out (not deliberately but that "Santa" had forgotten)

DaisyDreaming · 14/12/2018 23:04

Can’t believe someone kicked off about your daughter being given the chocolates. Doesn’t sound a supportive environment for anyone, let alone someone with asd

Dextrodependant · 14/12/2018 23:11

Your poor DD, I would have felt exactly the same way she did.

That workplace is awful.

Original poster

happyinherts · 14/12/2018 23:14

Thinking about it - the remote workers are engineers who work on sites and perhaps only call into London every few months. Not sure now how or if they could take part in SS, but the one gift remaining - the chocolates - were labelled for a remote worker who was telephoned and couldn't have cared less about it. Just sounds like a giant mess up.

Although we as a family donate regularly to charities, I feel sad that my daughter bothered with this office charade. Next year I've told her not to, and I guess she'll find a worthy cause to give to. We're working with the Salvation Army on Christmas Day - the homeless youngsters there were once loved by parents, whatever the situation now, someone once cared. I've had a wakeup call tonight - I know SS is deemed as fun - but it can turn into stress far too easily. I'd rather give to causes where I know people will truly see a benefit - and I'm sorry I can't give to all. Reading the £10 bonus thread makes you humble.

OP posts:

Rumboogie · 14/12/2018 23:16

I am shocked that people can behave like this. So sorry for your lovely DD and for you.

GlitterPixie · 14/12/2018 23:33

I can’t get over the person asking for the chocolates back that’s just spiteful bullying even worse imo than not getting a gift in the first place (which is also terrible and of course it’s expected to get one!!) I feel very annoyed here on your daughters behalf

AutumnGrace · 14/12/2018 23:52

How sad this happened ☹ office sounds quite toxic. Possibly I have missed it but could remote worker have your DD and thus no present left in?

irnbruforlife · 15/12/2018 00:11

That's utterly heartless and cruel. I'm trying to get my head round the logistics of it. Everyone's name goes into a tub and everyone pulls one out. So did they deliberately not put your daughters name in but let her pick one out? Leaving a name short so they would have had to agree someone else could receive a gift but wouldn't need to buy one in return as there wouldn't be a name for them to pick. What shitty person would sanction that? Are you sure this isn't part of a wider campaign to victimize her due to her asd.

showmethegin · 15/12/2018 01:23

This has made me quite upset. The unbelievable cruelty, especially from the woman who took her chocolates back!! Aspergers or no aspergers, how could you do that to someone?!

For what it's worth you sound like a wonderful parent who has raised a daughter to be damn proud of. She will be kind forever and that woman and the line manager are obviously horrible people and I hope it comes back to bite them.

Hope your family has a wonderful Christmas

BlankTimes · 15/12/2018 12:33

Oh your poor daughter. why are the people that do things like this allowed to get away with it? And as for the Lindt person, I hope it chokes them. My dd is too disabled to work but was treated in a very similar way all through primary school, so as a Mum, I know exactly how you feel.

Thank-you for your kind words about the £10 bonus thread, my dd's arrived last week. If you've not been through the system to claim disability benefits recently, you won't know how difficult it is and how hard it is to fight to receive barely enough help to manage your needs. If I can help to raise awareness of how people with disabilities are treated, I'll give it a shot. This thread gives a clue, please ignore the bunfight. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3447544-pip-assessor-lies?pg=1
This was linked in the last post.www.libdems.org.uk/international-day-persons-with-disabilities?utm_campaign=1812_s_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_source=libdems

I hope you can help your daughter to find a job in a much more inclusive working environment. I've heard that Sainsbury's are very positive towards employing people with disabilities and I'm sure there are more firms that are, there should be a list somewhere. Not a problem if she doesn't disclose, but sometimes it can be helpful should she need reasonable adjustments to help her in her work environment.
Here's hoping she can find something soon which will get her out of that horrible place. Have the best christmas you can

BlankTimes · 15/12/2018 12:35

oops clicky link
www.libdems.org.uk/international-day-persons-with-disabilities?utm_campaign=1812_s_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_source=libdems

Stephisaur · 15/12/2018 12:46

How’s your daughter feeling today? It seems really shitty that she was left out like this :(

We’ve done secret Santa for the first time at work this year and it’s definitely a case of if you put your name in, you draw a name out.

Hell, I went on maternity leave last week and still made sure my gift was under that tree (someone will bring mine home for me).

Sending your daughter a huge hug - I’d have been in tears at work if it had happened to me xx

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 13:06

I feel that is bullying, I am sorry but it's unacceptable for something that is supposed to be fun to turn into that and the person who refused to let your daughter have the gift sounds like a nasty piece of work. People should only get involved with secret santa if the want to it should never be forced. I k ow who is in volved and how many gifts there are meant to be, I have spare gifts as well because I want to be sure no one is left out.

Your daughter needs to find a new job, there are charities that will help with her communication difficulties and ensure that she is supported properly at work, she should not have to stay there.

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 13:09

autism.org.uk

BumbleyBum · 15/12/2018 13:11

I don’t think it sounds trivial at all. Your poor dd. This says nothing about your dd, and everything about the awful people she works with. Where I work, this would not have happened. And if anyone had slipped through the net, it’s be rectified with someone going out pronto to go and get a gift for them.

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 13:12

Please visit the site and read about bullying at work, they have deliberately excluded her and are trying to diminish her feelings by saying that her expectations are wrong. I would imagine there are other things going on that she may not have noticed/understood due to her Aspergers, she needs to be working with a company who understands her condition and with colleagues who are made aware as well.

HauntedPencil · 15/12/2018 13:13

That's really crap of them, if you organise a secret Santa everyone should get something.

Really mean.

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