Actual things I'e found myself saying since I've had young children....

[KitKat1985]

From today alone:

"DD2 why are you trying to put a garlic baguette in the cash machine?"

"Why is there an apple in your slipper?"

What ridiculous things o you find yourself saying?

“We buy him nice weapons and he doesn’t look after them”. To DH while tidying DS(6)’s Star Wars and Knights toy collection.

"Stop stomping your poo down the plug hole!!!" -toddler in the shower had an accident

"Dont stick your finger up the dogs insert nose/ear etc here"

There are usually many more but those are the ones from today I can remember...

Yes! "Don't lick your sister" is a particularly frequent utterance these days (which enormously amused a waiter the other day....!)

“There a fucking tombliboo in my guitar!” Screeched down the stairs by my husband.

“Why are you wet?!” Screeched by me at least 15 times a day. I have never found out why they are wet.

"no don't ride your scooter down the slide"
"that does not mean ride it down the Stairs"
"stop stroking your sausage" got a few looks in a restaurant when my dd actually cradled a sausage in her arm and stroked it like a cat.
"please stop eating the unicorn"
"Stop licking your Sister" is common in this house too
“don't spit your drink into your sisters mouth“ this one truly disturbed me I still feel a little sick even thinking about it
"stop riding your brothers dinosaur"
I actually find myself at least once a day thinking did I say that out loud! Although 90% of it is stop or don't in some way my kids are actually crazy!!

"Don't hit your Nana with a tombliboo!"
(It would appear that tombliboos are troublemakers NotUmbongoUnchained )

"Why is this sticky/wet/here?!"

"We do NOT put baby Jesus is the hoover DS, that is not where he lives!"

How many more times do I have to tell you, you can't fly!

Stop licking the cat/your shoe/leaves/the car

Last week I found myself telling DS6 "take that pencil out of your willy right now!" 😖

'No, I will not smell your fingers'

‘Go and play with the cooker!’

(A toy one, but when said out loud tends to cause some raised eyebrows)

"Stop waving your willy at me"

"No - You are not going into the nativity scene - they have enough wise men"

“Don’t eat a poo raisin!”

"don't lick the car/trolley" It's always one of those two at them moment.
"where is the poo!!?" usually screeched by me, potty training is going well
"Get out of the dishwasher"

There's so many many similar phrases are uttered in a day, I cannot recall what a normal conversation looks like anymore.

I don't need to anymore.

If the toddler does anything silly, she huffs, "Ohhhh, miniLimpShade!" in an exasperated voice at herself

'Come here so I can wash the Shepherd's Pie off your willy'

Golly, gosh, goodness.

I’ve started to sound like my mother.

"Stop trying to touch your sister with your willy"

DS is recently potty trained and his penis is of great interest to him at the moment.

Why are there shreddies in your nappy?

"Stop shoving your sister's Scooby Doo out through the cat flap!".

That was me to DD3 when she was two and had just got DD2's big Scooby Doo soft toy jammed in the cat flap for the umpteenth time that morning.

The cat is not food

The cat is not a hat

The cat doesn't want to go in your dolly pram

(The cat is excessively gentle and really should stand up to DD more)

Porridge does NOT make a good hat!

Don't put the cats in the washing machine/oven/bin/toilet

Stop licking the windows/cats/dog/walls

Don't pick the cats up by their heads/tails/legs/necks

Stop eating dog food/cat food/cat litter/cat treats/dog treats/dog shampoo

Don't pull the dogs whiskers/tail/ears/tongue

Don't scream 'RAWRRRR' at the post man through the window when he posts the letters

Don't chew your food and the spit it on the dogs head

Stop putting your finger in the plug sockets

Stop pushing the door closed on the dogs neck

Stop jumping head first onto the floor/down the stairs/off the windowsills

Don't tell strangers babies on the bus to shut up

Stop wiping snot on the tv screen/dog/cat/window

And a few from a meal out tonight - you can't swallow spaghetti and then pull it back out of your throat in a public restaurant OR blow water from your straw at your father OR rub sauce on the fabric chair OR take your shoes off and put them in your food

Stop shouting big (cck ) truck and daddys (cck ) truck in the street. The looks I keep getting ..

'No one called Geoff has ever visited Mars'

'No commando rolls allowed until after breakfast'

'No, we can't move to Poland and steal a house'

Get the corner of the nit comb out of your willy

Get your bum off your sister

Stop waving your bum in my face

Stop licking your sister