Actual things I'e found myself saying since I've had young children....

[KitKat1985]

From today alone:

"DD2 why are you trying to put a garlic baguette in the cash machine?"

"Why is there an apple in your slipper?"

What ridiculous things o you find yourself saying?

When DS was smaller:

Do not put your willy through a DVD for goodness sake!

No, you don't need to check if your willy is still there, the other passengers do not need to see that...

No! You cannot use mummy's boobies as a mountain for your cars!

um, no, this is not a vet mask for your toy snake, it's mummies, please don't touch it (said when I caught him performing vet surgery on his stuffed snake with my moon cup!

This week it has been "No, your name is not Jeff!:

Please don't eat my toe...

Can we not lick the walls please

🤦‍♀️

“There are no human rights in this house” which considering I’m a dyed in the wool bleeding heart leftie was surprising for everybody.
He has been learning about human rights and was using them as an argument for avoiding his shower and bedtime.

Your bumhole is not Lego storage.

No, I will not eat your bogey just so you can get rid of it.

Both from today.

Some of these are brilliant!

“Nice hands for cat, she’s very old”
“Don’t dip your bread in the cat water”
“Don’t smack the laptop it’s sleeping”
“No,don’t...there’s feaces everywhere!! Not food!!!”
“Don’t eat crocodile!” (Our non slip bath mat)
“What a great stack” (tower)
“Don’t stick the toothbrush in the cats bum, she’s old and deserves better” (we have a younger cat but she knows to steer clear of my -raging toddler pfb dd.

Errgh strike fail 😠

Don’t put your face in the cake in the cafe. We need to buy it first!

Please don’t add juice to my tea
Please don’t add juice to the toad in the hole we are trying to make. It doesn’t improve it!

It's partridge. Partridge in a pear tree. Not Farting. For the 100th time.

"Bras are NOT catapults"

‘Play doh is not food’ was a pretty constant refrain for about 3 years, she loved eating the stuff. Made for a lot of alarmingly coloured poos.

"Do not ride the cat" is a fairly regular refrain in our house. Disturbingly often said to the nearly-4-year-old as well as the 18mo - although at least she doesn't sit down with her full weight - eeek!

I am NOT buying biscuits - you only eat them!

No, don't jump in that! It is not raining, it is a puddle of dog wee
Put your bum away
No, don't lick it, you don't know what it is.
What's that on your trousers.

Today to my 9 yr old (both dc off sick): why are you putting your toe in your brothers mouth?

'no you are not going in the car naked!'

Followed by a huge tantrum, like I'm the unreasonable one for not allowing this to happen.

Stop kissing the car!

We'd walked quite a long way back to it and toddler DD was overjoyed at the prospect of sitting down...

"Get your willy off the dog" 🤦🏼‍♀️

Stop digging in the cat litter!

No, kitty doesn't want to play with your whistle! (as DD shoves a plastic whistle in the cats mouth)

NO! Stop putting your shoes/socks/tights/cardigan in the kitchen bin!!!

DD is 7, but daft as a brush. Today it was "please get out of the washing machine, we're late for school."
Yesterday it was "Don't use your socks as bookmarks at school, today. Mrs. T was a bit upset about that."

"Why is there ketchup on the floor?"

"Stop touching the dog's willy"

"No, I won't untie your shoes for you"

Me, to DH

For God's sake don't lick the handrail (on the underground) I actually considered disinfecting her tongue after that one!

About moving to Poland and stealing a house......
I quite fancy that idea!

'Will you please STOP sucking that rat?!'

About 10 minutes ago I said to my toddler "we don't use mummy's shoes to clean the floor"

And a regular phase at the moment is "stop sitting on my face" (we co sleep quite a lot, although sleep isn't the best description)

"Please pick up your balls"
"No I don't want your balls in the bath with me"
"Stop pulling your willy"