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Original poster

Actual things I'e found myself saying since I've had young children....

81 replies

KitKat1985 · 03/12/2018 18:59

From today alone:

"DD2 why are you trying to put a garlic baguette in the cash machine?"

"Why is there an apple in your slipper?"

What ridiculous things o you find yourself saying?

OP posts:
Lostmyemailaddress · 05/12/2018 11:10

To dd3 aged 16months
You are not a stripper please stop .. just learnt how to take off leggings and babygros
The cat does not want your dummy please stop.. dcat sits there while dd3 tried to feed cat with dummy
No the nappy is not a hat .. nooo you'll get poo I your hair .. she responds with haha
Ds4 is 3
No mummy doesn't have a Willy and no I am not broken
Flying is not your superpower please stop jumping off things
Playing with the light switch does not make a disco and the cat doesn't not want to dance.
Baby shark isn't going to eat your sister please put away your teeth.

sar302 · 05/12/2018 11:14

"What are you eating? It's a leaf. Spit the leaf out please.....
Where did you find another leaf???? Stop eating the leaf! Spit it out please.

WHERE DID YOU FIND ANOTHER LEAF???"

And repeat...

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 05/12/2018 11:48

There's a lot of comments about not licking things, why do they do that?
My grandson used to lick my hands when pushing the trolley in shops, and if I moved my hands he'd lick the trolley! Many a conversation was had regarding this, he thought it was hilarious!

ThumpityThumpThump · 05/12/2018 12:29

So far today:

please don't lick the playground!! DD2 (3)

You can only bowl DOWN the hall, not UP the hall!! DS2(6)

why is your tie in your hair?! DS1 (9) with school clip on tie

why is there peanut butter in your hair? DD1 (6)

Why is there a sheep in your trousers? DS2 (current fascination with putting cuddly toys in his waistband Hmm

Don't avadra kedavra your sister! DS1 (harry potter mad)

but nothing will ever beat when DS1 was about 4, in a restaurant - Stop winding your willy around your fork!!!

TeaAddict235 · 05/12/2018 12:29

Avoid the dog poop

Don't stand and stare at the poop

Do not touch the sole of your shoes

That's mucky!

Do you need to do a poo?

Have you just done a poo?

Why didn't you tell me?

Magstermay · 05/12/2018 12:45

Stop winding your willy round the pencil

No bare bottoms on the sofa

Don’t put my nipple in your ear (DS 2.5 trying to listen to my heart after swimming)

Please don’t trump in my face

cannotmakemymindup · 05/12/2018 13:19

No we are not taking your toaster to my eyetest

cannotmakemymindup · 05/12/2018 13:20

Stop fanning your fart towards me!!
Said far more regularly than I would like to admit. Dd loves to do this. Ugh. She's 4.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/12/2018 14:12

Avoid the dog poop

Don't stand and stare at the poop

You have a boy, haven't you? Poo holds a fascination for boys which is beyond almost anything I've encountered.

Once, when my son was small, we were on our way to school with one of his friends and his mother, and we had to pass a pile of dog poo into which someone had stuck (wait for it . . . . . ) A PLASTIC FORK!

The boys were creased up! Every boy that passed was creased up. They spoke of nothing else for days. The hilarity! A PLASTIC FORK! IN POO!!!

(The reaction of the girls was "urgh!")

rach2713 · 05/12/2018 19:15

I have another one when my son was 3 he came running out the bathroom shouting my poo is gone and I said where he said the floor so spent 15 mins looking for his poo ahem it had actually went up the u bend.. Won't get that 15 mins back haha

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/12/2018 19:19

Armadillos are NOT for throwing.

lardass88 · 05/12/2018 19:30

"No (insert name) please don't look at (insert name)'s poo"
"I don't think guinea pigs can eat felt tips, lets take it out"
"It's ok... I'll wipe (insert name)'s bottom.. please don't try to do it "
"Can you take baby Jesus out of the oven please?"
I work in a nursery so every day i find myself saying something highly amusing 😂

GobbyMcGobshite · 05/12/2018 19:31

We don't kick ducks

Don't stick the charger in your ear hole

Use the sink tap not the toilet water to rinse your toothbrush

We don't dip our hands into candle wax, it is hot
Stop grabbing the candle flame
DS! You're going to burn yourself!

Approximately 3.6 seconds later

Told you. I told you that you'd burn yourself. Stop crying, I have no sympathy.

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 05/12/2018 20:16

From today: "Please stop licking the car".

OP posts:
afrikat · 05/12/2018 20:22

Don't lick your sister
Don't put your willy in the shark

PerpendicularVincent · 05/12/2018 20:39

DS' friend lives in Poland and he misses him Ada, so his grand plan was to fly over there, mount a hostile coup and steal a large house of our choosing, and stay over there to play. He was Hmm when I rejected this idea Grin

AdaColeman · 05/12/2018 23:11

Sounds like a cool plan to me Vincent! What does he think about Krakow? Wink

Tortycat · 05/12/2018 23:21

Please can i pick your nose?
My booboos aren't working til morning (night weaning at the mo)
Be gentle with your willy
Put your bottom away
Oh look here's some poo! (cow, horse, rabbit etc to speed him up on a walk)

rach2713 · 05/12/2018 23:34

My boob's arent your storage for you dummies..

Don't put peppa in the oven..

My sofa ain't a bouncy castle so stop jumping over it..

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 06/12/2018 00:56

With ds1 it was often "Don't lick the handle of the trolley." (in Asda.)

Then later "DON'T lick the shop window."
For some reason this one bothered me a lot. There could have been all sorts of sick, blood, bodily fluids etc. from drunks the night before on them, and the dirt blown onto them by the wind (down the wind tunnel that was our main shopping street at the time.), particularly the last day before the window cleaner came out. Eeeurgh.

Doublevodka · 06/12/2018 02:08

Why do you always want me to come and sing songs with you while you're having a poo?

Thishatisnotmine · 06/12/2018 02:19

"Don"t lick the bus stop."
"Oh, your poo rolled away!"
When handing over my resuable coffee cup to the woman serving me: "could you give it a bit of a rinse please, it's got glitter in it." She clearly did not carry childrens artwork around in her bag.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 06/12/2018 06:30

To my nephew a couple of years ago, stop pulling your nipples it won't make your heart bigger. He was six and thought it would exercise his heart.

To my niece yesterday, I've never been your mum and I love you but I'm not your mum now either. She's three and often announces that I'm mummy, her mummy can live somewhere else or in the bin.

To another nephew, don't rip your shirt when you hulk out, hulk can afford it he's a superhero you can't your only six.

To a different niece, why is incy wincy on the cross?

Stop sitting on my face, leave my boobs alone, please let me sleep, yes you can share my dinner but you need to stop licking me first.

Usually it's a lot of bribery including eat it and it'll make you a genius like professor X or Iron Man. When giving medicine, that it's diluted super serum like what they gave captain america.

Bodicea · 06/12/2018 10:12

No I don’t want to eat your snot thankyou.

DerfelCadarn · 06/12/2018 10:24

'Have you checked in the drawer for dinosaurs?' - me to DP when he was tidying

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