Does everyone do this? Am I normal or nasty?

[NastyorNice]

Are your inner thoughts always sweetness and light? Or do you secretly, fleetingly have judgy, bitchy thoughts?

Mostly I go through life not really having the inclination to judge others. I am in my 40s now - so also (pretty much) try not to care what other people think of me. As long as I am polite, kind and considerate any negative thoughts they have of me are probably a reflection of
their issues and not me.

But sometimes I do have bitchy thoughts come through my head. A
"Oh, those jeans are a bit snug" A "Love the new house, great new sofa - vile wallpaper." "Oh dear, she didn't look in the mirror in the daylight - her make up is very much cake-up". "I would not parent my children like that." That kind of thing. Sometimes irrelevant things (colour of a jumper) sometimes bigger things (boyfriend choices/parenting choices etc).

I never say any of the thoughts aloud. They are often so fleeting I barely register them. If I do notice them I kind of give myself a boot up the arse to remind myself it is not my place to judge/be a bitch and it is horrible to do so.

A quick background - slightly dysfunctional mother (possibly an understatement). Mother is very, very judgemental. If there was anything judgy to say, critical to comment on she would. About DSis more than me (I was golden child - it brings it's own issues). Also about anyone. Other family members, people in the street, if a critical comment could be made it would be. She would not comment to their faces (apart from DSis) but it would be behind their backs. FWIW I have disengaged hugely over the years (as has DSis) so I try not to let it bother me and I do pull DM on it should she make any such comments in front of me.

But I do sometime worry that I am actually, under the surface, just like her. Mean, judgy, bitchy and critical.

So am I the only one who has these horrible (albeit fleeting) judgmental thoughts - or am I normal?

I bought one of Dr Ekman's books and placed it on the table in a prominent position for the kids to see, but really I'm rubbish at reading faces.

If you think about teenagers their thoughts are clearly shown! The eye-rolling/WTF faces tell us everything they are thinking .

But on a less humorous note (not laughing really - some of ^ is my day to day life) I think you are right FaFoutis. We kind of know don't we, when someone is not being sincere or there has probably been some bitching going on.

I think this is another reason why I am thankful for being in my forties. I have limited time to spare and chose to spend it with people I love and trust. And I suppose those are people that the random bitchy thoughts don't really happen about - or not that I notice. I like them/love them for all their ways.

Most the bitchy thoughts are totally random and about people I don't have an awful lot to do with (odd maybe, who knows?) So I hope they never know - because a) we are not really interacting and b) they should have zero impact on them as my opinions are totally irrelevant to their lives and my random brain should STFU.

I do it too, and I had a judgy mother too! I never say it to anyone else except sometimes dh but do then worry if the kids hear, then I overcompensate by saying we didn't comment about people etc

My internal monologue is so relentlessly negative/judgemental that I think if people knew they’d be horrified. Like you, my mum cannot help but say her negative thoughts, but I very rarely express them (only the less horrible ones and in appropriate company).

I hate it, it colours my whole life in a very negative way.

DH is the exact opposite - sees the best in people rather than the worst, but so does his mum!

Wait ‘til your filter fails in later life .

I don’t have that many critical thoughts but lots of superior ones which probably says a lot about my self-delusion.

@Bluntness100, one does not control one's own thoughts. All you can control is what you do and say.

That high horse looks mighty smug.

I think people can somehow can influence how they think though

That’s why cbt exists.

Op interesting that this is only about strangers and not people you love. You are helping me understand mil ( who doesn’t have a filter).

Perhaps this is your “stranger danger” defense mechanism ? It’s your way of creating emotional distance/boundaries?