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Original poster

Does everyone do this? Am I normal or nasty?

108 replies

NastyorNice · 03/12/2018 11:45

Are your inner thoughts always sweetness and light? Or do you secretly, fleetingly have judgy, bitchy thoughts?

Mostly I go through life not really having the inclination to judge others. I am in my 40s now - so also (pretty much) try not to care what other people think of me. As long as I am polite, kind and considerate any negative thoughts they have of me are probably a reflection of
their issues and not me.

But sometimes I do have bitchy thoughts come through my head. A
"Oh, those jeans are a bit snug" A "Love the new house, great new sofa - vile wallpaper." "Oh dear, she didn't look in the mirror in the daylight - her make up is very much cake-up". "I would not parent my children like that." That kind of thing. Sometimes irrelevant things (colour of a jumper) sometimes bigger things (boyfriend choices/parenting choices etc).

I never say any of the thoughts aloud. They are often so fleeting I barely register them. If I do notice them I kind of give myself a boot up the arse to remind myself it is not my place to judge/be a bitch and it is horrible to do so.

A quick background - slightly dysfunctional mother (possibly an understatement). Mother is very, very judgemental. If there was anything judgy to say, critical to comment on she would. About DSis more than me (I was golden child - it brings it's own issues). Also about anyone. Other family members, people in the street, if a critical comment could be made it would be. She would not comment to their faces (apart from DSis) but it would be behind their backs. FWIW I have disengaged hugely over the years (as has DSis) so I try not to let it bother me and I do pull DM on it should she make any such comments in front of me.

But I do sometime worry that I am actually, under the surface, just like her. Mean, judgy, bitchy and critical.

So am I the only one who has these horrible (albeit fleeting) judgmental thoughts - or am I normal?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/12/2018 13:10

I do the nice comments thing, too. I'm afraid it may be a symptom Grin

Cakemonger · 03/12/2018 13:13

Oh my god, NOBODY'S thoughts are always sweetness and light!

Luckily, we are our actions, not our thoughts.

Workreturner · 03/12/2018 13:13

Interesting

My own mother never said anything nasty about anyone. Ever. And never ever about personal appearance. So that’s the environment I grew up in and I do believe it had an impact on me insofar as I rarely think negative thoughts about others and if something about personal appearance crops up in my mind, I will squash it aggressively.

I’m not angel. The thoughts do occasionally pop up, but rarely and I don’t allow them to flourish

longwayoff · 03/12/2018 13:13

Bluntness, you sound like an absolutely delightful person.

Gigglebrain · 03/12/2018 13:14

It’s normal to have some bitchy thoughts, it’s what you do with them that counts. If yo think, actually, that’s not nice, maybe there’s a reason for ......, or I may not like their wallpaper, but they do and that’s all that counts etc

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 13:14

So yes, op. My verdict is nasty.
This kind of makes it sound like people are either nice OR nasty ... I guess you just mean that this particular habit is nasty?

Really, Bluntness, I've spent my whole life trying to persuade myself that everyone is a bit bitchy sometimes and I shouldn't feel guilty about my thoughts. Now you're scaring me! You never, ever have an even slightly bitchy thought?!

BruegelTheEIder · 03/12/2018 13:15

You are perfectly normal as is your judgement. Do I want to walk in that pile of dog crap some manky slob has left on the pavement? No I don't. I have judged that to be a bad idea

This is the thing though isn't it? Of course it's normal to think badly of someone who does something like leaving dog poo on the pavement. That's justified. I don't think it counts as being unnecessarily "bitchy" or judgemental, which is what OP is talking about.

Twickerhun · 03/12/2018 13:18

I don’t have thoughts like that at all. I never realised I was so unusual. Now I’m worried.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 03/12/2018 13:26

Normal! I have this with FB a lot, I have comments in my head on peoples posts but I would never write them. It would be a massive, horrible, horrible troll if I did! I should really delete it!

Winlinbin · 03/12/2018 13:27

I would rather spend time with someone who was aware they had unkind thoughts and kept them to themselves that someone who denied ever having unkind thoughts but said insensitive, ill considered unkind things.

Original poster
NastyorNice · 03/12/2018 13:28

@Twickerhun please do not worry. I wish I didn't. If I am in a really secure and lovely place MH-wise then the thoughts are not really there.

I think, as some PP have said, it is when I am feeling very self-critical and not great on a MH front that the bitchy thoughts are more likely to occur.

It also isn't (even at it's worst) a constant bitch-fest thought process - with a judgement popping into my head about everyone I see or talk to. A fleeting thought once or twice a week (if that!)

Like most people I am too busy with my own life/worries/things to do to worry about what other people are doing/look like. But it does happen and I started this thread to get some idea of if I should worry about it meaning I was like my mother.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 03/12/2018 13:32

I think things like this, or even just observations all the time, non-stop. It's rare I look at anything and don't have about 10 thoughts about it, not all of which are positive.

Being unable to censor your thoughts is often a sign of brain injury or damage, alcohol has a similar disinhibiting effect!

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 13:32

If it does mean I am inherently nasty because critical thoughts enter my head, can anyone recommend a way of preventing that from happening apart from chopping off the offending body part?

Cakemonger · 03/12/2018 13:32

I find the number of judgmental thoughts I have is directly related to how happy I am at any given time.

Original poster
NastyorNice · 03/12/2018 13:36

I will be honest - some Snug Facebook posts maybe kick the "FFS" thought processes off into overdrive - just a teeny bit Grin

DH and I also maybe sometimes do have the odd "That decision is not for us" kind of chat, which can be a bit judgy. But we are doing it I think to reassure ourselves that we are agreed and happy with our decisions/approach on whatever the issue is. We never criticise the other people to their face. And always agree that there are various approaches to life and everyone has the right to chose their own path.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 03/12/2018 13:37

Since you don't seem too happy about these thoughts why not challenge them every time they pop up? 'Hideous wallpaper' 'Well I guess it's not hideous as such, it's just not my cup of tea but everyone's different' - that's honest & you could say it out loud if necessary. You can't stop the thoughts from appearing in your head but you can challenge them. That's the difference

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 13:38

Thought censoring, never out of fashion since 1984.

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 13:39

I don’t think that’s normal and I don’t have those thoughts about others often except occasionally when something is extremely odd..

DH is like you OP and for the exact same reasons and it really really makes me feel uncomfortable as he shares his thoughts with me...

I’m following to find good advice and pass it on

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 13:42

The best way I think to approach this is :

1- don’t engage in any bitching with friends and when someone bitches about someone to you don’t get sucked in —- just state that everyone’s different.

2- when your mother judges and birches just highlight the good things about the other person and that everyone has strengths and weaknesses.. she will stop coming to u for it. You being a golden child might’ve unconsciously made you also her enabler.. and you need to change that

3- the way you handle your mther, gently but fairly... will influence how you hear voices in your head

Original poster
NastyorNice · 03/12/2018 13:45

@RangeRider to be honest I do challenge myself. And very much with the "everyone is different" approach.

And as above - if ever DH and I discuss stuff (rare, but maybe about BIL/SIL more family related things - so not the shallow crap but maybe differing approaches to stuff) even if we are a bit WTF about their approach we still 100% accept it is just a different approach, and just because it is not what we would do it does not make it less valid.

OP posts:
onemouseplace · 03/12/2018 13:45

Nothisispatrick - I have loads of judgy, bitchy thoughts. I share them with DP but no one else

This is me to a tee. I fully expect other people to be doing the same, and so we all rub along nicely most of the time.

I certainly don't feel a judgmental, bitter husk of a person.

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 13:47

The thing is, like OP says, she is very careful not to say any of these things aloud. And doesn't have these thoughts often. Same with me - and like her, I will deliberately say nice things to people because I think that can be a bit lacking in society. I hear a whole lot more nasty comments from others than I would even think myself, so I would say I'm on the lower end of the nastiness spectrum, if not quite as a low as those who don't even think anything a bit cheeky.

If you occasionally have judgemental thoughts and don't share them with people, trying to act fairly, why is that bad?

puppymouse · 03/12/2018 13:49

Every day! It's probably why I have so little self confidence as I assume everyone else is as judgy and mean as I am on the inside Grin

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 13:54

puppy interesting.

I think it’s easy to identify a judgy person. Just don’t forget close bonds with them.

I hang around people who I know aren’t all about bitching like that. If they utter anything about other people that would be almost our friendship starting to go downhill because I consider them not loyal and not worth being s friend

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 13:55

Op my answer is, just because a lot of people do it, doesn’t make it morally right.

I think it’s part of societal conditioning because a lot of people have been allowed to bitch around

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