Does everyone do this? Am I normal or nasty?

[NastyorNice]

Are your inner thoughts always sweetness and light? Or do you secretly, fleetingly have judgy, bitchy thoughts?

Mostly I go through life not really having the inclination to judge others. I am in my 40s now - so also (pretty much) try not to care what other people think of me. As long as I am polite, kind and considerate any negative thoughts they have of me are probably a reflection of
their issues and not me.

But sometimes I do have bitchy thoughts come through my head. A
"Oh, those jeans are a bit snug" A "Love the new house, great new sofa - vile wallpaper." "Oh dear, she didn't look in the mirror in the daylight - her make up is very much cake-up". "I would not parent my children like that." That kind of thing. Sometimes irrelevant things (colour of a jumper) sometimes bigger things (boyfriend choices/parenting choices etc).

I never say any of the thoughts aloud. They are often so fleeting I barely register them. If I do notice them I kind of give myself a boot up the arse to remind myself it is not my place to judge/be a bitch and it is horrible to do so.

A quick background - slightly dysfunctional mother (possibly an understatement). Mother is very, very judgemental. If there was anything judgy to say, critical to comment on she would. About DSis more than me (I was golden child - it brings it's own issues). Also about anyone. Other family members, people in the street, if a critical comment could be made it would be. She would not comment to their faces (apart from DSis) but it would be behind their backs. FWIW I have disengaged hugely over the years (as has DSis) so I try not to let it bother me and I do pull DM on it should she make any such comments in front of me.

But I do sometime worry that I am actually, under the surface, just like her. Mean, judgy, bitchy and critical.

So am I the only one who has these horrible (albeit fleeting) judgmental thoughts - or am I normal?

Absolutely normal. What makes you a nice person op is that you don’t say any of these things out loud. You are not your mother.

I guess I have negative thoughts about people/things sometimes, sure.

Certainly not about peoples makeup, wallpaper, clothing, or anything like that though. Primarily because I could not care even the tiniest bit less about what people wear or how they decorate their homes.

Totally normal and acceptable as long you don't voice it. We all do it.

To continue...as a psychotherapist I have had clients come to me very upset and disturbed by their own critical inner dialogue. They thought it made them a bad person. In most cases they had grown up with very critical parents (like you OP) and so were predisposed to think badly of themselves, constantly striving to be perfect. Realising that they are not defined by their unkindest thoughts any more than they are defined by their single kindest act was sometimes helpful to them.

We all have thoughts like that don’t we? I think that’s normal and anyone that says they don’t is a lair.

It’s how you act on them that makes us different some people are just nasty and others know it’s rude and nasty to say the thoughts out loud so we don’t!

Sounds like my internal dialogue

Not make-up but cake-up
I am going to use that

@Winlinbin good comment

Nice thread OP! I have a lot of trouble allowing myself to just be a bit bitchy, too, even though I know it's normal.

Just wanted to add that you might even seem to be having more of these thoughts because of your background. Like when someone says "Don't think of an elephant", you can't stop yourself thinking of an elephant. You might be thinking "Don't criticise!" in the back of your mind the whole time, so your brain goes "Hey, here's a critical thought!"

I'm unnecessarily guilty, but all this "I never say any of the thoughts aloud" is going far too far! Of course you can be bitchy sometimes, even aloud! - as you take it so seriously, you will notice and remember what other people don't even pay any attention to at all, so it will feel like you are doing it often. Being a little bit bitchy every now and then is not like just having one little shot of heroine every now and then, honest.

No, not normal. Surprised by the amount of folks who have bitchy thoughts. Not articulating them doesn't change the fact that are bitchy.

Also what I note about your examples is the possibly make you feel superior.

I might have thoughts where I think oh, I'm not sure I like that, but I can't recall looking at a woman and thinking her jeans are too tight or her make up caked on. Sorry for me that's just bitchy.

*heroin - you can be a heroine all you like

Bluntness, you need a new name :)

Inwardly yes. Outwardly, not a chance. Yesterday I was leaving a shop but the doorway was blocked by an extremely morbidly obese woman who had stopped to look for something in her bag on her way into the shop. I judged her and made a silent bitchy comment of 'for god's sake get some fucking manners woman' because of her rudeness. I only mention her size because otherwise I'd get people asking how one person was blocking the entire doorway.

No, I am blunt, but I genuinely don't look at other women and think those things,

Interestingly though, I grew up without a mother figure, and many folks are attributing it to how their mums behaved, and some how kidding themselves that if they don't articulate those thoughts then they are better than their mothers and that makes it ok.

I never grew up in an environment of bitchy comments about other women's appearance , and simply tend to look for the positive.

My mum wasn't bitchy about people's appearance, she's paranoid and thinks everyone is out to get her, so comments on bitchy things they are supposed to have said (they are usually totally innocent!).

Yesterday for example I had a bitchy thought about someone's driving skills, as they were holding everyone up while they did a ten-point turn over the pavement, and we pedestrians had to stand and wait. It was dark, couldn't see if it was a man or woman, but I thought they were a shitty driver, and then thought that I shouldn't be so nasty in my own head. Does that make me a bitch?

@Bluntness100 I know they are bitchy thoughts - hence my angst! And does your post make you feel superior? Was there kindness behind your comment?

Thank you to everyone who has responded. And yes @Winlinbin your experience has been really useful thank you.

@Rattinghat it is actually my 12yo DD's expression and I do love it. I don't judge the (normally young) ladies who do seem to wear a lot of make-up -just really feel sad that society/social media has kind of made the shiny/totally covered skin/cake-up-make-up even a thing!

I think yes, the self-loathing can sometimes take over. The inner dialogue and my mother's voice seems to turn maybe an observation into a "mother-bitch" and then I feel awful. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one!

your inner thoughts are positively benign in comparison to some of the venom I unleash in my head. But I then unpack what it is I just thought and often come out the other side thinking something entirely different, so not all bad.

Yes I do! And I blame my judgy mother too. Always so vocal about other people saying settee or serviette etc. So although I can't stop the thoughts from popping into my head, I try not to say them!

Oh, and I would also like to say - I also have many positive thoughts as I go about my day "Nice bag" "Lovely outfit" "Gorgeous baby" about strangers (hence very shallow) or about my friends/family "Amazingly warm welcome" "Fantastic food" "Your children are amazingly polite and charming". These I try really hard to actually articulate. There is not enough nice stuff in this world - so I try and make positive comments whenever I can. I could probably do more of them but don't want people thinking I am a super-sweet creep

I do this a lot OP; I had a very critical mother too.

Unfortunately I've noticed as I get older that my brain/mouth filter is a bit less stringent, unless I pay attention all the time. Things like "Wow, your hair looks awful" get very very close to being said sometimes. It's a bit shit tbh.

*@Bluntness100 I know they are bitchy thoughts - hence my angst! And does your post make you feel superior? Was there kindness behind your comment? *

No it makes me feel bemused and rather dismayed. You asked for opinions. I told you the truth. I don't need to pretend to you it's normal. That it's ok. Just because others have equally bitchy thoughts doesn't make it any better.

The fact you then attacked me, because you don't like me telling you it's not normal and it's bitchy speaks volumes,

So yes, op. My verdict is nasty.

There's a big difference though between thinking "you bastard, learn to drive!? when somebody cuts you up on the road, and thinking "omg you fatty, you look awful in those tight jeans".

The former is justified and normal, the latter suggests you have some issues, IMO!

x-post - I do the nice comments thing too!

The thing is, we’re also culturally conditioned to have judgemental thoughts - every other magazine we open, or TV show we watch, is criticising someones’ clothes or decor. Its normal for some of it to seep in. It’s how you act - what you actually say and do that makes you a good, kind person, not what you think.

!!! You are perfectly normal as is your judgement. Do I want to walk in that pile of dog crap some manky slob has left on the pavement? No I don't. I have judged that to be a bad idea. You are able to judge people and situations to protect you and its purpose is to allow you to discriminate to your advantage. 'Not Judging' is a fashion and is exploited by people seeking victim status 'dont judge me we was on a break' for instance I.e. I've behaved badly, 90 percent of people would agree, but you shouldn't comment on it. Fooey.