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Original poster

Does everyone do this? Am I normal or nasty?

108 replies

NastyorNice · 03/12/2018 11:45

Are your inner thoughts always sweetness and light? Or do you secretly, fleetingly have judgy, bitchy thoughts?

Mostly I go through life not really having the inclination to judge others. I am in my 40s now - so also (pretty much) try not to care what other people think of me. As long as I am polite, kind and considerate any negative thoughts they have of me are probably a reflection of
their issues and not me.

But sometimes I do have bitchy thoughts come through my head. A
"Oh, those jeans are a bit snug" A "Love the new house, great new sofa - vile wallpaper." "Oh dear, she didn't look in the mirror in the daylight - her make up is very much cake-up". "I would not parent my children like that." That kind of thing. Sometimes irrelevant things (colour of a jumper) sometimes bigger things (boyfriend choices/parenting choices etc).

I never say any of the thoughts aloud. They are often so fleeting I barely register them. If I do notice them I kind of give myself a boot up the arse to remind myself it is not my place to judge/be a bitch and it is horrible to do so.

A quick background - slightly dysfunctional mother (possibly an understatement). Mother is very, very judgemental. If there was anything judgy to say, critical to comment on she would. About DSis more than me (I was golden child - it brings it's own issues). Also about anyone. Other family members, people in the street, if a critical comment could be made it would be. She would not comment to their faces (apart from DSis) but it would be behind their backs. FWIW I have disengaged hugely over the years (as has DSis) so I try not to let it bother me and I do pull DM on it should she make any such comments in front of me.

But I do sometime worry that I am actually, under the surface, just like her. Mean, judgy, bitchy and critical.

So am I the only one who has these horrible (albeit fleeting) judgmental thoughts - or am I normal?

OP posts:
BlancheM · 03/12/2018 13:58

No I'm not really like that, but I know many people are and it's completely normal. My mother is the most unkind, judgemental woman and I'm glad I didn't take after her in that way.

longwayoff · 03/12/2018 13:59

Fair enough bruegel, you're right. I stand judged and guiltySmile

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:01

Reading pp responses I’m horrified and I finally understand why the way some posters speak on mumsnet is so diffeeeent than what you would expect face to face

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 14:01

I hang around people who I know aren’t all about bitching like that.
But this is only nasty thoughts in people's heads we are talking about. How do you know what they are thinking?

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:05

raven usually when you are close enough to a person, to be a friend, there will be moments where their tongue slips and scoops out what’s on their mind. I had a best friend who slipped into that behaviour, eventually she admitted that she has been influenced by her surrounding and became very judgy and that she wants to distance herself from such toxicity- which is why I resumed friendship from a distance. It’s easy to get sucked into that because the voices in your head is usually enabled by the voices of those you hand around with most.

Op it’s very good that you have identified this. While you aren’t evil or a meany, but you do need to do something about it as it’s toxic for you and for your relationships. And I believe you can do something about it.

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 14:09

There's a lovely German children's song called "Die Gedanken sind frei" - "Thoughts are free". It's about how, even if someone locks you up and takes away your physical freedom, you are still free to think what you want in your head. Here in East Germany that was a very poignant song.

Maybe it's because I grew up reading 1984 - and watching the film, in 1984 - and have lived so long here in Germany that I find this whole idea of thought censorship quite so unpleasant?

Plus the fact that the only way to change your thoughts has always been portrayed as drugs and torture, as in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

I know that is not quite what you were discussing OP Grin but don't we start to head in quite a dodgy direction when we judge thoughts that other people can't even help thinking?

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 14:14

@ILoveHumanity - With some people, maybe. But (just to scare you further) there could be loads of your friends having nasty thoughts without it slipping out, and you simply would not know, because it wasn't slipping out, would you? :)

headinhands · 03/12/2018 14:19

There are people I know who I can sense constantly judging everyone around them unless there's something else to occupy them. It's like their natural resting position in life.

fussychica · 03/12/2018 14:21

Normal.

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:21

head exactly

raven don’t worry it won’t slip about me but will about others and hence shows their character.

I choose my close friends v carefully. This is one of the things that makes me value a friend or not.

trilbydoll · 03/12/2018 14:22

I might notice tight jeans but wouldn't go as far as forming a complete thought about them, they'd go in my eyes and float out of my ears before I'd managed to construct a sentence in my head.

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:23

And raven as long as within our close relationship they don’t jusge others, then they won’t influence me.

But I have been through phases where I had those thoughts and the reason for them was the new people I started hanging around and had their attitudes rub off on my inner voice

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 14:23

OK I won't upset your world any further, and leave you happy in the knowledge that you can always tell if a negative thought ever flits through a person's mind :) In fact, I can tell you are thinking nothing but nice thoughts about me, right this moment, despite my best efforts to annoy you :)

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:25

But i think for someone who constantly is thinkng this way, they won’t feel “close” in essence unlsss they’re themselves around their bestie/husband..

And so judging and bitching becomes part of bonding.

To me it’s part of de-bonding.

So the two attitudes don’t really mix.

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 14:25

(Mumsnet may not be the best place to hang around, though, to avoid bad influences!)

SpringerLink · 03/12/2018 14:27

You actually sound pretty lovely. I have a far more judgemental inner monologue than you, and I am (I think) regarded as a very nice person by most people who know me.

ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:30

raven honestly I’m not thinkng anything about u! Just about the topic at hand.

Some people are just not interested in analysing others. It’s just not an interest to me. I’m too focused on developing my own understanding /personality and a lot more analytic about my own self.. but not in a demoralizing way.

I really think u don’t understand... I’m not claiming I know every thought in someone’s head. I’m clsiming that a pattern emerges once you mix with someone enough.

Simply put, I value friends whome if I one day (because I’m human) notice something negative about someone, or a misunderstanding develops with someone and I go to them complaining... I value the ones that seek to make me see others in a positive light no matter how much of strangers they are... even if at the time I don’t like it.. simply because it shows me that my friend sees people in a good light.

Some people quickly find an opportunity to share their judgy thoughts. Even at random people on TV or whatnot. I’m not that person. I find it rather creepy.

There is a lot of those. Not just me. And it’s a habit by training that we cultivate because to me that’s part of being genuine and honest

Original poster
NastyorNice · 03/12/2018 14:31

@IloveHumanity I am not sure I need to do anything about it to be honest.

Whilst it is not great to have fleeting, bitchy thoughts about other people I know where they come from - largely my upbringing mother and my mental health on that day. I do not think, having read the responses here and reflected more upon it that I need to do anything drastic.

Yes I do (gently) pull my mother up on it. She does it far less (or certainly when I am around).
Yes I do (as gently as my inner-dialogue allows me to talk to myself) pull myself up on any bitchy thoughts. Maybe the thoughts are there to bolster my own feelings of superiority if I am feeling low. Or maybe they are trying to reassure myself that I am not as shit and clueless about fashion as I think I am. Who knows. I pull myself up, push the thought away and move on.

I would hope my behaviour speaks more for who I am than some random, occasional thoughts I have:

*So I am kind and helpful to people
*I try to compliment people as much as I can

  • I do not listen to or engage in bitchy conversations. I loathe the husband-bashing that sometimes went on at Toddler groups etc and just walked away. If I have a problem with my DH I discuss it with him - not a bunch of other women. *I accept that everyone is different and what I may not like doesn't really matter. FWIW I don't like wallpaper. That doesn't mean people cannot use wallpaper. It is my personal view. I am allowed that. Other people probably think my white painted walls are drab and dreary. We all like different things. *When I remember I paste a smile on my face for situations where other's maybe feeling vulnerable or where a grumpy/harried face can make people feel shit. I have seen enough threads on here about, for example, cliques on the school run, grumpy mums by the school gates (and remember it used to upset me) etc that I try to smile at everyone I see on the school run. I rarely engage (no time/not interested) but a smile does no harm.

I am not delighted that I have these thoughts, but my negative-inner voice has too much volume for me to start berated myself even more.

OP posts:
ILoveHumanity · 03/12/2018 14:37

Op it’s very good that you stop yourself from acting on those thoughts, salutations to you. That’s a sign of compassion.

We all have things about us that we wish we didn’t have. No one is perfect.

I appologise if I came across as too critical

longwayoff · 03/12/2018 14:45
Hmm
Momo18 · 03/12/2018 14:49

This is definitely normal, I've read a lot of psychology books and I once had CBT and this was explained as normal to me. Most people have strange intrusive thoughts too :)

BillywigSting · 03/12/2018 14:52

You sound perfectly normal to me.

As long as you catch yourself and know it's unkind /don't act on it I don't think it's really a problem.

I have found myself becoming more judgemental since having dc though as some things I would have previously never noticed/written off really stand out to me (asking a young child to put a coat on in the middle of winter in rain rather than telling them 'put your coat on' for example. No the child did not have sn, he was just in the driving seat and is now a little horror)

FaFoutis · 03/12/2018 16:05

Maybe I'm being paranoid but I don't think those thoughts are always invisible.

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 16:35

honestly I’m not thinkng anything about u!
It's OK, I was just making a joke about being able to read your thoughts over the internet :)

FaFoutis You're not entirely paranoid, if you've ever heard of Dr Paul Ekman, who's kind of portrayed in the TV series "Lie to Me". He developed ways of seeing people's hidden thoughts from facial "microexpressions". But the fact that he had to work so hard to find that out does show that it isn't normally very easy to tell what people are thinking. Personally I'm always amazed when I get away with a lie, as I think it must be written all over my face - but evidently not.

FaFoutis · 03/12/2018 16:43

Yes. On TV 'Faking it, tears of a crime' uses those ideas. I think we can sometimes read what people are thinking but we can't always explain how, it's usually microexpressions.

There's also the fact that people thinking these things look at you ever so slightly too long for a passing glance.