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Original poster

Has my best friend been snakey or is it just tough luck?

80 replies

Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 14:10

I’ve been divorced for 6 years. 2 years ago I met a man and we had a very casual sexual relationship for a year. I was getting more attached and he didn’t want a relationship so I broke it off. I was quite upset about it at the time and my best friend pulled me through. About 6 months ago I bumped into him whilst out and we ended up having sex again. It reopened old wounds for a while but, now, I finally feel like he is behind me.

My best friend phoned last night and dropped a bombshell on me. She bumped into him a month ago in a bar and they had a drink together. They’ve been texting quite a bit since and have also been out twice more. She really feels that he could be the one for her and he feels the same. Do I have a problem with it?

I can be honest here and say yes I do. I actually feel incredibly hurt by her. She knows how I felt about him. However I don’t feel I have the right to say that as we weren’t in a “relationship” although we were having sex for about a year. If I say yes go ahead I think I’d find it hard to hide how I actually feel and being around them.

One of my friends I spoke to was incensed she had done this, but they don’t get on.

Another friend very gently said well it’s up to you but it doesn’t sound like anything you say is going to stop them. She had actually already heard they have been seen together.

As an aside, my friend is recently divorced (this year) and this is the first man she’s had any dealings with. Maybe beside the point but she is stunningly beautiful, was a model previously and it feels like she could have anyone so why pick this one?

I’m genuinely torn. What would you do?

OP posts:
Fishandthechips · 01/12/2018 14:17

To be honest it sounds like your going to loose her as a friend whatever you do. If you say its fine your going to feel resentful whenever your around them and they most likely will feel awkward and that will push you apart. Or you say your not ok with it and she will more than likely choose him anyway.
I imagine it wont last anyway and she will come running back to you when its all over and then you can decide whether you still want to be her friend. For what its worth I would be really upset with her too.

Original poster
Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 14:20

@Fishandthechips, that’s exactly how I feel. Like the second the words were out of her mouth the friendship was all but over either way.

OP posts:
Juniorandsenior · 01/12/2018 14:21

Even if they work out how awkward will it be to meet up with them together? I fear your 'best' friend has chosen him over you. So selfish.

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Relationship problems
Juniorandsenior · 01/12/2018 14:22

Great saying btw 'When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.'

icelollycraving · 01/12/2018 14:23

I’d say I felt really conflicted. That whilst you understand attraction, it seems s bit grim to have sex if one of your friends has been there. As your friend said it doesn’t matter what you think really or she would have approached you much earlier. It must hurt though.
Maybe she is beautiful but perhaps her esteem is not so great if the first guy she meets, she sees a big future with. Maybe she just struck lucky,
If she wasn’t a close friend I’d cut her off.

Original poster
Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 14:23

She’s just text to see if we are still on tonight for drinks

Feel like texting her back and saying no we aren’t actually

OP posts:
Howhot · 01/12/2018 14:24

If she's the kind of person that is already letting this play out then I think she's the kind of person who will continue to pursue it regardless of what you say. YANBU to be hurt and I wouldn't consider them a good friend. Keep your distance from the pair of them

Handsoffmysweets · 01/12/2018 14:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Handsoffmysweets · 01/12/2018 14:24

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Jilllovesliverpool · 01/12/2018 14:26

Wonder if she read this!

Say no. You deserve better friends, OP

tablelegs · 01/12/2018 14:28

"No, I'm not up for going out drinking tonight" and leave it at that.

Original poster
Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 14:32

She doesn’t use MN or i’d have never posted

Definitely not going tonight, her main point was that we had never been in a relationship so it wasn’t the same as her going out with an ex. Which feels spectacularly like missing the point

OP posts:
crumpet · 01/12/2018 14:35

I’m more on the side of it being tough luck. For whatever reason it didn’t work out between you, and it’s unreasonable to control or guilt your friend into who she can or cannot see. It’s hard, but the grown up thing to do would be to keep your feelings to yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to socialise with them as a couple, but needn’t stop your friendship with her.

Butterymuffin · 01/12/2018 14:36

She really feels that he could be the one for her

Yeah, right, of course he is! You can decide later OP how gracious you want to be when it all goes pearshaped. For now I would go totally cool on her. I'd say you're not up for a night out tonight and will see how you feel another time.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/12/2018 14:38

Crikey, definitely not cricket.
Agree with the poster who said the friendship is likely buggered whatever happens.
Sorry this has happened to you.

MorningCuppa · 01/12/2018 14:43

Blimey who needs enemies with friends like that, I would feel hurt too op, I think the friendship is over too, can't really see a way round that now, the whole situation would just be awkward, I would just cool this friendship off, I think she's shown you her true colours.

Aridane · 01/12/2018 14:48

I agree with crumpet

HollowTalk · 01/12/2018 14:49

She's not a friend. Her self-esteem is low and she thinks if this guy likes her more than he liked you, then she's got something that you wanted. Let her have it. If you make out you're not bothered then she won't be as bothered about keeping him.

I wouldn't want to hear all about the nice things he's said to her and all of that - that's going far too far.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 14:51

Tell her no drinks. Tell her yes, you do have a problem with it as both of them would well understand if they stopped and thought for on unselfish moment.

Tell her that despite that you wish her well but are sure she will understand that, given the circumstances, you don't really wish to continue to spend your leisure time with her when, no doubt you will be forced to meet him or hear about him for good or bad!

Tell her you don't want to stifle her so you sill simply absent yourself from the situation!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/12/2018 14:51

Well if Shes so amazingly stunning.
Why has she chosen him. Surely she must be beating them off with a stick.

FaithInfinity · 01/12/2018 14:51

My best friend started dating my ex without telling me. She said they wanted to see how it went before telling me. She also lied to my face when I asked if she was seeing anyone Hmm Thing is, ex and I had had a fairly amicable breakup (just not right in the long term) and then she led him on and broke his heart...it was beginning of the end of our friendship. She let me down when I needed her the most and I cut her out in the end.

You can tell her how you feel but she’ll either go for it anyway or always resent you.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 01/12/2018 14:52

I don't think you have a right to moan and bitch about it. You had casual sex with him a couple of years ago, it's not like you were married. You didn't want a relationship so..?

Petalflowers · 01/12/2018 14:52

I’m going against the grain and saying that she’s being considerate in telling you. You don’t want this fellow, and now they have met up and find they are compatible.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 01/12/2018 14:54

Sorry I missread Blush ok with it being him who broke it off it's way more understandable. But still, it was a while ago. Don't lose your friend over it

dontticklethetoad · 01/12/2018 14:55

I would find this very difficult too OP.
Whilst you weren't in a relationship with him, you still had strong feelings and she knew/knows this. It is very selfish behaviour and just shows how little she thinks of you.