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Original poster

Has my best friend been snakey or is it just tough luck?

80 replies

Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 14:10

I’ve been divorced for 6 years. 2 years ago I met a man and we had a very casual sexual relationship for a year. I was getting more attached and he didn’t want a relationship so I broke it off. I was quite upset about it at the time and my best friend pulled me through. About 6 months ago I bumped into him whilst out and we ended up having sex again. It reopened old wounds for a while but, now, I finally feel like he is behind me.

My best friend phoned last night and dropped a bombshell on me. She bumped into him a month ago in a bar and they had a drink together. They’ve been texting quite a bit since and have also been out twice more. She really feels that he could be the one for her and he feels the same. Do I have a problem with it?

I can be honest here and say yes I do. I actually feel incredibly hurt by her. She knows how I felt about him. However I don’t feel I have the right to say that as we weren’t in a “relationship” although we were having sex for about a year. If I say yes go ahead I think I’d find it hard to hide how I actually feel and being around them.

One of my friends I spoke to was incensed she had done this, but they don’t get on.

Another friend very gently said well it’s up to you but it doesn’t sound like anything you say is going to stop them. She had actually already heard they have been seen together.

As an aside, my friend is recently divorced (this year) and this is the first man she’s had any dealings with. Maybe beside the point but she is stunningly beautiful, was a model previously and it feels like she could have anyone so why pick this one?

I’m genuinely torn. What would you do?

OP posts:
Atalune · 01/12/2018 14:56

I do not understand this!

Of course you can feel hurt/jealous/resentful. But but but who are you to begrudge anyone’s happiness??.

It might feel a little awkward but you’re being horrifically childish and insecure about this.

You didn’t want him, it didn’t work out. You can’t police who he goes with next and you should be happy for your friend

I find this incredibly immature and adhering to some sort of weird “sister code” Confused

Hellywelly10 · 01/12/2018 14:58

So sorry op, i agree with others your friendship is already damaged. I wouldnt normally advise a passive agressive option however in this instance you could ignore her texts about tonights plans then ignore her some more (for a week at least).

cordeliavorkosigan · 01/12/2018 15:00

I’m going against the grain too, you don’t have dibs on this guy forever because you decided you didn’t want a relationship with him! This thing about staying away from exes is often unreasonable anyway but someone you slept with years ago and decided against continuing with? Why should that give you the right to control what either of them do now? Clearly he is a nice guy and maybe they’ll be happy together.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 15:00

I can see you’re upset, but it didn’t work out with him and you weren’t together so I can’t see that she’s actually isn’t anything wrong.

CollyWombles · 01/12/2018 15:01

It didn't work out between you and him! Your mate has been honest and told you. Honestly, I'd get over it and let them get on with it. Is it worth losing a mate over a bloke? Chances are it will fizzle out anyways.

Lulubelle15 · 01/12/2018 15:05

No, no, no - it's a big fat NO from me. You never EVER go there if your friend has been there before. She's not a real friend so I would cut her loose, you couldn't ever trust her after this.

Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 15:07

No, no, no - it's a big fat NO from me. You never EVER go there if your friend has been there before. She's not a real friend so I would cut her loose, you couldn't ever trust her after this.

Wow!

In our group of friends, loads of people have ended up going out with, or marrying people their friends had gone out with!

MartaHallard · 01/12/2018 15:11

Imagine this from the opposite point of view. If a woman posted here that she was in a casual relationship with someone a couple of years ago, and now that person was trying to dictate who she could or could not date, I should think 'controlling' would be the mildest of the epithets directed at the ex.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 01/12/2018 15:14

All's just about well and good if a friend gets together with their friend's ex (ex FWB/full blown relationship etc.) if the split was known to be amicable and feelings (from either party) are well and truly in the past.

But if she knew about your feelings towards this man and went ahead anyway - hell no!

Whoever said that your friendship was over the second the words come out of her mouth has it spot on.

Maelstrop · 01/12/2018 15:15

Ugh. One of my friends did this. She was therefore no longer a friend. I'm afraid I don't see how you can maintain the friendship, sorry.

brizzledrizzle · 01/12/2018 15:17

I don't think you can reasonably object - be upset yes, but not to the point of losing a friend over it. You had casual sex, you broke it off with him because you wanted different things and it was 2 years ago not 2 weeks/months.

TroyKing · 01/12/2018 15:17

Neither had done anything wrong by them getting together but it I can understand that it feels most unsavoury.

One would presume that most women would not want to be sucking on the end of something that has previously been playing up periscope with their friends nether regions. It takes alll sorts I guess.

Personally I'd drop round some leaflets on genital warts and the like then move on.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 15:17

I don't think OP is being controlling. She is just not comfortable watching a friend build a loving relationship with a man who couldn't do the same for her.

Why is that wrong?

She is entitled to say she wants to maintain distance. She is entitled to feel uncomfortable and to say so! She doesn't have to put on a smiley face and put herself in social spaces where she will feel even the littlest bit uncomfortable.

It's not about 'dibs' etc. It is about one woman deciding that she won't watch a friend fall in love/play happy families with an ex. She may change her mind over time, but she doesn't have to!

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 01/12/2018 15:18

Martahallard she's not dictating though is she, her "friend" asked her - what is she supposed to respond with? That she's absolutely fine and to go ahead? Why should she when she's not?

That isn't controlling in the slightest.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 15:20

and it was 2 years ago not 2 weeks/months. No it started 2 years ago, lasted one year and then was rekindled briefly 6 months ago... months ... all in the OP!

TwitterQueen1 · 01/12/2018 15:21

I really, really don't understand what the problem is here, aside from your jealousy. You are being completely unreasonable. You had a relationship - it didn't work out, twice. Now she is in a relationship with this man and has told you about it. Clearly you still have feelings for him but that's not your friend's problem or the man concerned. Move on and try to be happy for them. You don't get permanent dibs on who this man dates in the future, nor who your friend dates. Neither of them have done anything wrong.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 15:25

What's with the 'dibs' thing?

But I agree, the friend hasn't done anything wrong it's just uncomfortable for OP, who may well still have some unresolved feelings for him. So what? She can choose to step away from the friend if that feels more comfortable. She hasn't said that she has told the friend to fuck off.

OP is just using this place as a sounding board... which is what I thought it was! Not a place to bring your problems and get told you're a jealous and childish mare!

TwitterQueen1 · 01/12/2018 15:25

What a vile and disgusting statement TroyKing

liviadrusilla · 01/12/2018 15:26

I get that, thinking logically, they're not doing anything terribly wrong, but I would be extremely hurt if a friend did this to me and I wouldn't do it to a friend. It's showing a lack of respect for your feelings. I would not have drinks with her tonight and for me, although I would wish her well, the friendship would be over.

YearOfYouRemember · 01/12/2018 15:32

I'm sorry, OP. Your post has reminded me of a conversation I had with my oldest friend. She and my first love met years after him and I were together. He told me he thought she was attractive. Later I told her this and she said immediately said what a breache of Trust it would have been for her to go out with him. I told her if she liked him and both were free then she's my friend and I want her to be happy but I would find it hard. I appreciated her being a good friend.

Your friend needs telling honestly how you feel to be fair to her then she can make her decision.

Valasca · 01/12/2018 15:34

“One would presume that most women would not want to be sucking on the end of something that has previously been playing up periscope with their friends nether regions. It takes alll sorts I guess.

Personally I'd drop round some leaflets on genital warts and the like then move on”

So it’s better if they’re strangers you don’t know? Or you only have sex with virgins Confused

tinselfest · 01/12/2018 15:35

Difficult situation, but actually, I think she's done the honourable thing by phoning and talking to you. It isn't as though you and he are an item and they're messing around behind your back.

People can't help who they fall for, and he obviously didn't feel that you were the one for him, otherwise you would still be together.

Ethel80 · 01/12/2018 15:38

It's a massive deal breaker for me. I've had a close friend do something similar and I really struggled to get over it. Then I saw her flirting with my new boyfriend and realised that I couldn't trust her.

I get why people are saying she hasn't done anything wrong but she's close enough to you to know how you felt and I'm assuming knew that you'd slept with him fairly recently? That should have been enough to make her question whether she should ever have gone further than that initial chance meeting.

Bumbelinadance · 01/12/2018 15:38

Unacceptable
She saw you very hurt by this guy
Sorry but I do believe in sisterhood

When I was in my early 20s ( now 40s) I started a thing with a guy my freind had been hurt by , he hadn’t called her after what he saw as a one night stand and she saw as a budding relationship
I did this because I was a jumped up classless little snot rag with flicky flicky hair

Fast forward , he cheated on me, which was correct karma

It’s simple
DON’T Shag your freinds shags

KeepServingTheDrinks · 01/12/2018 15:44

I like the poster above who said "it's just not cricket" - I get that.

I think it's reasonable to feel the way you feel. Your feelings are your feelings.

What you need to decide is whether the friendship is worth more than how you're currently feeling or not, because you won't always feel this way.