Has my best friend been snakey or is it just tough luck?

[Unsureofmyselfx]

I’ve been divorced for 6 years. 2 years ago I met a man and we had a very casual sexual relationship for a year. I was getting more attached and he didn’t want a relationship so I broke it off. I was quite upset about it at the time and my best friend pulled me through. About 6 months ago I bumped into him whilst out and we ended up having sex again. It reopened old wounds for a while but, now, I finally feel like he is behind me.

My best friend phoned last night and dropped a bombshell on me. She bumped into him a month ago in a bar and they had a drink together. They’ve been texting quite a bit since and have also been out twice more. She really feels that he could be the one for her and he feels the same. Do I have a problem with it?

I can be honest here and say yes I do. I actually feel incredibly hurt by her. She knows how I felt about him. However I don’t feel I have the right to say that as we weren’t in a “relationship” although we were having sex for about a year. If I say yes go ahead I think I’d find it hard to hide how I actually feel and being around them.

One of my friends I spoke to was incensed she had done this, but they don’t get on.

Another friend very gently said well it’s up to you but it doesn’t sound like anything you say is going to stop them. She had actually already heard they have been seen together.

As an aside, my friend is recently divorced (this year) and this is the first man she’s had any dealings with. Maybe beside the point but she is stunningly beautiful, was a model previously and it feels like she could have anyone so why pick this one?

I’m genuinely torn. What would you do?

All very uncomfortable.

How much did you share with her? Did she know that you really wanted it to work out and that you were with him recently? If so she knows it was painful for you.

I doubt it has just been 2 dates in the past month and she is declaring he is "the one" - especially if they have been "seen together" - probably longer and more frequent. Do you think that someone might have told her to tell you? Do their paths cross or do you think she sought him out?

Your feelings are real and valid - you don't have to minimise them to make her feel comfortable - it is clear that you don't have the same values - this is not something you or very many people would do.

So I would step back from the friendship, let things settle. If you are not comfortable being in her company or in their company then avoid it for now if you are feeling raw.

I would be really upset by this too OP. It wasn't just a casual shag as PP's have said, you were intimate with him over a period of time and had strong feelings for him and were hurt when it came to an end and your friend supported you through that pain.

It's a very difficult situation because either way your friendship has been damaged. Although she's phoned to ask if you're ok with it, she's already talking about him being The One so it doesn't seem as though she'll step back even if you say you're not ok with it. And at the same time even if you say yes it's ok with you it isn't deep down so you won't feel the same about her.

I wouldn't even let myself get into the position where I could start falling for a friend's ex so I would be hurt that she'd even let it get to this in the first place.

Explain to her you're uncomfortable with it as although he wasn't your boyfriend you felt very strongly for him (although she already knows that) so you feel weird about the situation and need some time. Then take a bit of space to think on it before you make your decision. It would be a shame to lose a friend but she hasn't been very kind to you so just take your time before you make any decisions.

her main point was that we had never been in a relationship

So what? You were emotionally involved with him to the point your feelings were repeatedly hurt by him!

I doubt very much 'he's the one' for her, she's just using him to boost her self esteem - he didn't want you i.e you weren't good enough for him - but she is.

It's just nasty game playing and walking all over your feelings.

Tell her straight how you feel and keep your distance from her until she learns to have some respect for you and your feelings.

You were emotionally involved, you wanted more, it really hurt you.

No I think you have to walk away from the friendship. At least for a good while. Time may heal. It may not. But right now, there’s a reason why it feels like a betrayal. Because the friend who murmured sympathic agreement and support while you were nursing a bruised heart is now gladding it up with him.

What she says about ‘it was never serious’ is duplicitous crap and she knows it.

I had a similar thing happen to me OP, there was no relationship so I felt like I had no right to be hurt yet it truly felt like I’d had my heart broke and been betrayed by two people I trusted. I’m sorry this has happened to you and hope you make better friends and meet better men

I like the saying ‘what you gain must be worth what you lose’ ... I would tell this friend that she has lost your friendship, your trust and your respect, I hope he is worth it!

xx