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Original poster

Has my best friend been snakey or is it just tough luck?

80 replies

Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 14:10

I’ve been divorced for 6 years. 2 years ago I met a man and we had a very casual sexual relationship for a year. I was getting more attached and he didn’t want a relationship so I broke it off. I was quite upset about it at the time and my best friend pulled me through. About 6 months ago I bumped into him whilst out and we ended up having sex again. It reopened old wounds for a while but, now, I finally feel like he is behind me.

My best friend phoned last night and dropped a bombshell on me. She bumped into him a month ago in a bar and they had a drink together. They’ve been texting quite a bit since and have also been out twice more. She really feels that he could be the one for her and he feels the same. Do I have a problem with it?

I can be honest here and say yes I do. I actually feel incredibly hurt by her. She knows how I felt about him. However I don’t feel I have the right to say that as we weren’t in a “relationship” although we were having sex for about a year. If I say yes go ahead I think I’d find it hard to hide how I actually feel and being around them.

One of my friends I spoke to was incensed she had done this, but they don’t get on.

Another friend very gently said well it’s up to you but it doesn’t sound like anything you say is going to stop them. She had actually already heard they have been seen together.

As an aside, my friend is recently divorced (this year) and this is the first man she’s had any dealings with. Maybe beside the point but she is stunningly beautiful, was a model previously and it feels like she could have anyone so why pick this one?

I’m genuinely torn. What would you do?

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/12/2018 15:45

They've only had two dates and they are talking about "the one."

I doubt that will last.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 01/12/2018 15:46

Why do you think you have the right to control your friend's romantic life?
If you think she should prioritise your happiness over hers, even when it concerns an ex you have put behind you, then it's probably not a bad thing if you end the friendship.

Binglebong · 01/12/2018 15:51

I would text back "thanks for telling me. To be honest I'm finding it a bit weird but my friendship with you and your happiness is more important. I'm going to duck out for a little while while I get my head straight but when I do it will be great to spend time with you again. Have a good Christmas."

That way you can pick up the friendship again when you are more comfortable or if they break up (no bad mouthing or listening to it if they do!) I do understand it must be uncomfortable for you but there are times this will happen. I'm sorry.

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Relationship problems
AlwaysSomethingThere · 01/12/2018 15:54

I couldn't forgive a friend who did this I'm afraid. To be honest even without them going ahead and having a relationship she has already betrayed you by meeting up with him twice. Some bridges can't be rebuilt. I'd fuck her off for this, sorry OP Flowers

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 16:12

Why do you think you have the right to control your friend's romantic life? Not sure Op said she does. In fact I think she said she hadn't said anything to her friend and had come her instead!

Oh, look, from the OP However I don’t feel I have the right to say that

Notonthestairs · 01/12/2018 16:12

Well it is tough luck really isn't it.

But it is unlikely it will last. They are both a bit thunderstruck at the moment. She's probably in need of a pick me up post divorce. And your history with him probably provides a bit of extra frisson (sorry). It's unlikely- but not impossible- that they have met "the one".

Back out gracefully. Let them get on with it.

WhyAmISoCold · 01/12/2018 16:19

I definitely wouldn't be ok with this. Given she's already meeting up with him, I'd say she'll carry on anyway.

Serialweightwatcher · 01/12/2018 16:19

Some people on here are horrible ..... of course it hurts you and I doubt you could continue to be friends with her because this will always be a problem - I doubt you would even consider telling her not to see him because you know you can't but I think you realise she's done something that you probably wouldn't have done to her and you can't class her as a friend anymore

kateandme · 01/12/2018 16:20

its kind of an unwritten thing for many reasons isn't it.for trust.for awkwardness.also with you there is still obviously some too and froing with him.one of those guys you didn't get into but didn't get over kind of thing so will almost never be "quite" done.
I can really see why it hurts.and I cant explain exactly why either lol.its just isn't right somehow.
maybe in time when you are 100% over this man and what he means to you and what you've had together.but for now id say just take some space.
you can tell her calmly all of this too.no need to be vicious as it wont stop her and youll end up the one then feeling bad for things said if it becomes heated.but you can still tell her its has hurt something in you and you just cant feel comfortable with the situation now so need some time out.perhaps ask her how she would feel.and just because you didn't become a proper couple doesn't mean there wasn't something between you and feelings there because you DONT just sleep with people more than once just for sex it meant something and so did he.(u'd word it much better im sure)
and ok they could be perfect for eacohter.but that is something you will or you wont be able to deal with.dont lose the wish to have her as a friend if you think you can.but I equally can understand how it might after what shes done already be buggered

LionsHeart · 01/12/2018 16:29

I'd struggle with this TBH. All the men in the world, and it HAS to be one of YOUR exes? What are the odds?

How will you feel, knowing that they've already begun a relationship without her telling you?
How will you feel, knowing that they have most likely discussed your performance in bed?
Can you tolerate your friend knowing your bedroom techniques? Laughing about them behind your back with your ex?

I couldn't.

LionsHeart · 01/12/2018 16:31

Also - would YOU do this to one of YOUR friends?

No. You wouldn't, would you?

CitrusFruit9 · 01/12/2018 16:48

I'd step away from her too. A world full of men and she had to take up with your ex who she knew you had strong feelings for? Feels like some saddo kind of one-upmanship to me.

Personally I'd just ghost her. I can't see any benefit to you in laying out your feelings for her enjoyment.

PinkHeart5914 · 01/12/2018 16:54

I don’t really see the problem, they are 2 single people!

Op and this man shagged for a bit, he never had or wanted a relationship with OP so they hardly had a loving long relationship ffs.

Friend has been adult telling you as imo she had no need too as you don’t own this man, you shaggged him a few times that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Atalune · 01/12/2018 16:56

I would never ever deny a friend their chance at happiness.

Be the bigger person.

Original poster
Unsureofmyselfx · 01/12/2018 17:00

Of all the men it had to be this one...

This is the bit which really galls tbh. I’ve been out with her many times. I’ve seen how many men approach her, buy her drinks, ask her out, she is far from on her last chance at love. Of all the men in this huge city we live in, she chooses this one?

OP posts:
Aridane · 01/12/2018 17:04

It's a massive deal breaker for me. I've had a close friend do something similar and I really struggled to get over it. Then I saw her flirting with my new boyfriend and realised that I couldn't trust her.

But TBF that’s no really the same as the OP’s scenario

TeenTimesTwo · 01/12/2018 17:08

I'm in the weird but tough luck brigade.

You don't actually want him.
You're not with him.
Your relationship was 'casual'.
It's not your friend's fault you split up.

Howhot · 01/12/2018 17:08

PinkHeart5914 do you usually struggle with empathy?

museumum · 01/12/2018 17:13

I’m guessing most people here haven’t lived in a small community. I know lots of people who have married people who first went out with friends of theirs and I’m friends with my major exes now wives/partners.

If it was me I would not be offended or angry but I would probably be honest and tell the friend that it’s still a bit raw and you need space or not to see them together for a bit.

HollowTalk · 01/12/2018 17:18

Come on, OP, she's chosen this guy for a reason. Her self-esteem clearly isn't all that.

IveHitPeakTumeric · 01/12/2018 17:23

You don't have to definitively decide how you feel about this now.

Tell her you don't want to meet for drinks and that you're glad she told you but need a while to process it all.

Then just sit with your feelings for a bit. You might decide her getting together with him is a deal breaker. You might decide after a while that, actually, you don't give as much of a shit as you thought you did.

Either way, she doesn't get to drop this on you and then carry on as normal. As if you want to go out for drinks with her and hear all about how loved up she is with the guy who rejected you.

MyOtherProfile · 01/12/2018 17:26

Have you replied yet at all OP? I'd go with what a PP wrote and say you wish her well but need some time out, have a good Christmas. Then see how you feel as time passes.

Graphista · 01/12/2018 17:31

Nah! Real friends don't do this!

Bin em both off, sorry this has happened but the friendship is over. None of my friends would DREAM of doing this to a friend.

No op can't dictate who either of them date, but equally they can't dictate she stay friends with either of them.

HellenaHandbasket · 01/12/2018 17:35

It just isn't done tbh, I'd feel weird about it too.

Woooman · 01/12/2018 17:44

I'm surprised at the number of people on here who think the OP is being unreasonable. This wasn't just a one night stand from years ago. It was someone the OP was sleeping with for a couple of years and who she had feelings for and hoped to be in a relationship with. Her friend knew this and comforted her after it ended. The OP had feelings for this guy up until fairly recently and, again, her friend knew this. There are literally millions of men in the world yet her friend has to be with this guy. A good friend would never do that. There are some lines that should never be crossed and this friend has unfortunately crossed that line.

I don't think the friendship can survive now as someone is going to feel resentment no matter what choice is made.

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