How zombie-proof is your house?

[ApocalypseNowt]

It's something I wonder about quite a bit.

Say the zombie apocalypse is here. For whatever reason you can't leave your house with your bug out bag so you need to batten down the hatches and stay put. How suitable a stronghold would your house be?

I'm quietly confident about mine. It's a back to back terrace so no nasty surprises from the rear oo-er. The front yard is small but has a high wrought iron fence on top of a brick wall. Gate is high too and if i got a bike lock I think I'd be ok. If they did breach the yard windows are again quite high, some have bars on and our door is quite sturdy.

Final stand would be in the old coal cellar or the converted attic.

We have one spare room if anyone needs it btw.

Zombies are v uncoordinated but would manage steps eventually, if they were aware you were up there.

I think some of you are confusing them with daleks...

I live in a ground floor flat with floor-to-ceiling windows in central London, I’d be dead within minutes.

Oh my favourite type of thread

We have a mid terrace house with back to back gardens enclosed with walls, so no threat from the back or sides. The front has a small yard with a gate and a wall topped with metal railings, but that’s still less than waist height, so less secure. Full length window, although double glazed, and a upvc front door :/

We live rurally though and DP is an outdoor instructor so has plenty of skills if we need to hotfoot it up the mountain. Definitely fucked if looters arrive though.

World War Z the film was a bloody travesty. The book is infinitely better.

We have two doors on each entrance. A big
prickly hedge all around the garden beyond that is a private wood which is pretty inaccessible, it is dense and brambly with high barbed wire fences so all good so far.
Our road is a cul-de-sac which makes it easier to fence off eventually, although that would mean being enclosed with the neighbours which may be worse than just facing the zombies...

I'm not sure how zombie proof my house is.
Is there an agency that I can contact who will come round and assess my zombification needs? You know, like you can get the fire brigade round to assess your fire escape strategy? I mean, the fire people leafleted me after there was a fire down the street.
Can the Zombie people come round and see if my back door complies with Zombie Specification Z1 etc?
If not, WHY NOT?

But steps would be okay going downwards, right? Zombie mush?

There's got to be money in a zombie proofing company and zombie surveys ? Maybe someone can go on the next series of the apprentice with it as a business plan?

Unless of course the OP already runs such a business and is just trying to drum up business

I am thinking I need a decorative samari sword on my wall and much quieter children if we were to stand any chance! DDog would be of no use and we don't have a larder to stockpile food so we would run out quite quickly! We do however have a big secondary school behind us however it doesn't have high fences so I don't know how great that would be!

Yes Philomena there will be zombie mush. Downwards is fine

I run no business. I am solely and selfishly concerned with my own survival and DH and dc as long as they shush

I think a zombie proofing company is a great idea. We often look at houses and consider how zombie proof it would be. There is a local house with 7ft high walls all around which I have my eye on.

Toast here. A crush of them hammering on the picture windows will do for me fo'shiz.

That said I've always suspected I'd be the first offed in a horror film and the first to be caught by rampaging lions or tigers so I'm not surprised not to be resourceful enough to survive the zombie apocaypse.

We have a drunkenly formed action plan involving raiding the local macro and a boat. All prepared here.

Not very protected from zombies, assuming they are the fast strong ones?

Tbh I’ve always thought I’d give up and become a zombie early on. It seems more fun than trying to survive against the odds.

Told my son to kill me swiftly as I would be useless and zombified straight away. Better to kill than be killed.

We'd be fucked. Rented house, front door and main window at street level. Attic conversion has stairs leading up. Yard to the rear which is walled, but low walls and easily scalable. Best chance of survival would be to make it to DP's family farm, which is rural and has a good stock of weaponry. Yes, I've also thought about this a lot.

@Hedgehogblues The book terrified me because it was so plausible. The chapter where they've killed the children in the church so they don't get killed by the zombies is fucking awful, it still haunts me.

Tbh I’ve always thought I’d give up and become a zombie early on. It seems more fun than trying to survive against the odds

Yes, I'm sort of in agreement with this position. I'm assuming that once you become a zombie, you lose your moral fibre, ethical centre, basic principles etc (what with becoming a flesh-hungry, slow-moving lurcher). So you don't know any better. So would it really be so bad? Apart from the ever present risk of your limbs falling off.

MiddlingMum Cadbury's Fingers surely...?

No, they can't have those, we boycott Cadbury's because of the palm oil and subsequent damage to the rainforest. Do you think they'd eat homemade cookies? DH has a bewildering selection of teas, they would probably be dumbfounded and rendered harmless.

We would not be fine. Too many windows, no front fencing.

I used to plan a velociraptor escape route whenever I entered a house.

We could probably get by if we stacked cars at the end of the cul de sac to block it off and posted sentries on top of each house to shoot anyone in gardens / hedges etc. But like anything it depends on the type of zombies — Walking dead types would be a sinch, Resident Evil not so much.

My house is rubbish.

I am thinking about buying an axe so I can block off the stairs from the zombie hordes. All my food would be downstairs tho

Down the bottom of the road to the marina. Nick a boat and fuck off.