Are you happy?

[Thisnamechanger]

I don't know if this is something you ever really ask people in RL.

Are you happy?

I'm fine. But not happy. I wonder why that is?
I have no idea what it is I'm expecting to make me happy.

I'm content.

Happiness, I think, is more of a fleeting feeling to me, so I have moments of it, but it's definitely not a constant in my life.

My big dreams didn't and won't come true. (Children, career etc.) I have lifelong MH issues, including depression that varies a lot in severity. Many things are not ideal. But I share my life with a very good man, have other meaningful relationships, have all the basics I need in life, and have many interests.

I think I might be getting into the Generativity vs. Stagnation stage in my own life, where I'm looking for meaning and more permanent connections to the world in general.

"Generativity refers to "making your mark" on the world through creating or nurturing things that will outlast an individual."

Not having children or a meaningful career definitely makes it harder to feel like you might make a mark of some kind with your existence. All lives are fleeting and nothing will last forever, but there is this need (for me at least) to find a sense that somehow I will have mattered. I don't know. Work in progress.

No. I’m the unhappiest I have ever been. We are drowning in debt from an illness a few years ago. We had to get in to debt to continue to live and feed the children as we weren’t entitled to anything. Now everything is back to normal we are struggling. I think about money all day everyday and the debt has made me think about suicide. I won’t do it but in the early hours of the morning when you can’t sleep from crying and stress it seems like a better option.

Very happy and content deep down. The surface sometimes gets ruffled by day to day life, especially with young kids, the youngest of which is going through a very clingy and vocal phase:

DS2: Mummy?
Me: Yes, baby?
DS2: Mummy?
Me: Yes, what is it?
DS2: Mummy!
Me:Yes!
.....
DS2:.....Mummy?

Sigh!

So very happy, but quite frustrated some days.

Yes very. A lot of it is to do with outlook and expectations. I'm very grateful for all I have - health, a home, a healthy family so I feel happy. I know some people who are never satisfied. And of course there are others who have very genuine reasons for being unhappy.

lollypop so sorry you're going through this. I would really recommend you contact CAP (Christians against poverty). They are financial professionals who volunteer their time to help people out of debt. They are free and I promise that they won't try to convert you or anything.

Please also talk to your GP.

I know some people who are never satisfied. And of course there are others who have very genuine reasons for being unhappy

I think it's variations on this attitude that cause people to not talk about feeling unhappy.

To quote Kate Bush.

Just being alive
It can really hurt

But I still have ( occasional) moments of pleasure.

Yes very. A lot of it is to do with outlook and expectations. I'm very grateful for all I have - health, a home, a healthy family so I feel happy. I know some people who are never satisfied. And of course there are others who have very genuine reasons for being unhappy.

I do think this is a fair amount to do with it. I think SM contributes to people's unhappiness in lots of cases. You might have your health and people who love you, but Susan from the office is away to the Maldives. People pick a picturesque moment during their day/week and post it, not the toddler tantrum, or the loo scrubbing, or the argument they had with their DH over money.

Comparison is the thief of joy. SM just compounds the problem.

I think the idea that some reasons to be unhappy are "genuine" is problematic.

I also think SM can exacerbate unhappiness not just from the perspective of comparison but this endless focus of personal growth/self improvement/positivity. It odd how people go traveling and go and observe cultures where the people have done the same family run jobs for generations and barely strayed outside their town of birth and declare it 'authentic' and 'wholesome' yet if you met someone in your normal walk of life with a similar outlook the same travellers would probably find them extremely parochial.

This thread has really made me think. My immediate thought was no im not happy. Im a single parent, im jobless, struggling to find work in nursery hours, nobody around to help with childcare. Only really have 1 close friend. No family who live close by. Cant afford days out with my ds.
But then really thinking about it, i am happy. My bills are paid, i have a roof over my head, my ds is just the most loving little boy ever and puts a smile on my face everyday. The one close friend i do have checks up on me everyday and asks how i am. Although i cant really afford the finer things in life and struggle to get through the weeks financially, i do appreciate what i have got.

Happier than I used to be. Much happier.

Could be better though, but I suppose that's almost always the case.

chicken I think your post is interesting. Discounting your wants and needs and whether or not they're fulfilled, how do you feel? As in how's your mood?

No - not at all.

I have a wonderful husband and 4 incredible DC. DH has a secure job (not something to be sniffed at in his particular industry at the minute) and financially we are comfortably off.

For those looking at the surface of our lives they would wonder why we aren’t happy, but there is so much more going on that no-one really knows/cares about.

Some of our struggles have been very public (cancer being one of them) but many more are more private.

We are both desperately lonely and to be honest my whole existence feels totally meaningless. I know that DH feels the same way.

We hide it well though.

As for why people don’t share things with others - for us it’s twofold - firstly we don’t really have close friends to share it with (well we do, but they are all in another continent so not exactly easily accessible), and secondly - because most people just don’t want to know - they want to fix things, or tell you it’s not that bad, or gloss over the realities of your feelings because they make them uncomfortable. No-one likes a complainer and the reality is that most people just don’t have the time or energy to deal with other people’s problems. I even saw it when DH was going through cancer - the amount of people who just wanted me to “look on the bright side” of things ALL.THE.TIME. was insane. It wasn’t just me either, people expected our DC (who were all primary school age at the time) to just buck up and get on with things with smiles plastered across their faces.

Now - DH has the all clear and therefore we must be brimming with joy. People do like to condense others down to one thing - ergo if you have a good job, or a loving family, or a positive health outcome then you must be happy - no concept of all the other crap that’s still there.

because most people just don’t want to know - they want to fix things, or tell you it’s not that bad, or gloss over the realities of your feelings because they make them uncomfortable. No-one likes a complainer and the reality is that most people just don’t have the time or energy to deal with other people’s problems

I think that's the rub. Sorry about your DH. When DM was dying from cancer I had to block a friend who kept telling me everything happens for a reason.

Yes. There are ups and downs, of course, but generally things are very happy Chez Wally. We consciously decided a few years ago to not get caught up in social media and everyone else's wonderful lives, and also society's expectations on us to buy shit all the time. We live simply and try to focus on what we have. It works for us. Plus we are very lucky in that there are no other stresses around us such as employment and family and health issues. Appreciate that this can change very quickly.

In summary, Happy and very grateful.

Ooh, that's a tough one. I'm content, but not quite happy - maternity leave isn't very fulfilling for me and I'm not really quite recovered from birth which is getting me down a bit. Having said that, I am very secure in a very happy and loving marriage and my daughter brings me a great deal of joy and laughter.

The happiest I've ever been is when DH and I first started dating - I knew he was The One and just loved every minute of getting to know him. But I was also very anxious at the time, so the happiness was punctuated with fear and despair. Overall, this level of contentment is probably better, but I do miss that giddying sense of bliss.

I'm content with my life. It is financially and emotionally stable which is a massive help. Feeling trapped in stressful positions with little practical opportunity to make positive changes is very difficult.

I'm not in an exciting phase of life but little things give me joy and frustration along the way, usually in close succession. Connection with nature is very important to my well being. Semi-regular attendence at church is a good pause to reflect and consider different perspectives.

No one is going to live a perfect life all the way through. No one is immortal so unless you are the one to die prematurely, we will all experience some form of grief along the way. There are no guarentees of perfect health to yourself or people close to you. It is difficult when those unstable phases cluster up and don't offer respite to deal with them before the next hit.

I like Buddhist perspectives on life. Nothing is permanent and that makes it easier to ride through harder phases. Suffering is caused by desire, and acknowledging what is causing that emotional hurt can help to work with it even if it doesn't solve the underlying issue.

I look at SM and feel happy to see people enjoying their fancy holidays etc. I might know that they have a stressful job and are run ragged by managing childcare etc, but I'm pleased for the happy moment that they share. I'm content enough with my tent in a field, and confident enough with my own likes and interests not to feel jealous of other peoples' highlights. I lost a parent in childhood and I think that from a younger age than average, I have learned to live in the moment, but also viewing a bigger perspective on life, not just being swept along with the tide of what is current that we "should" be doing.

There is a mixture of circumstance, outlook and mental health at play which are not constants and are variable in how much they can be conciously managed.

Depends on my gut
If my gut is happy...I’m very happy
Sadly my gut is a work in progress...somits not as happy as I’d like it to be.

I’d put good health at the top of my happiness list

Hence my gut comment

Yes.

There are things about my life i would like to change (some inside my control, some not), but on the whole I am happy.

Mostly yes. Sometimes I have to stop myself in case I forget how lucky I am in life.

That said, I will be 50 this week and I’m teetering in the brink of tears that it’s all going too quickly. I have so much to do.

AnotherPidgey

You sound very wise. Can I come for tea?

thisname my moods are fine. I only ever really feel unhappy/stressed, when my ds is at nursery and im job hunting. But other than that, i think im generally happy.