What should I have done in this scary situation

[missbonita]

Sorry if this is long, I am feeling incredibly stressed and anxious after a frightening experience last night didn't sleep at all. I would really appreciate it if anyone has time to read this and talk it thru/reflect on what happened and my reaction to the incident/what I should have done. Please do not berate me for not filming everything etc, it didn't occur to me at the time and that is part of what I am trying to figure out.

At 7pm I was driving DD and her friend home and a car containing 4 men started behaving very erratically behind me. They then pulled upon alongside me where a wide road was narrowing so I stopped to let them past, they flashed their lights so I started to move forward, then they sped forward so I slammed the brakes on a narrowly missed them. They then started gesturing to me to get out of the car, I locked the doors and got my phone out of my handbag.

They drove forward and pulled over. I passed them and came to a roundabout. They sped next to me and raced forward again lurching in front of my car, I again slammed the brakes on and this time 2 men got out of the car and made threatening gestures towards me then approached my car. I locked the doors and pressed 999 into my phone then slowly moved forward round them, off the roundabout and onto a more lit top area with more traffic. I pulled up at some traffic lights and they appeared again at the side of me. I told DD and friend to not look at them as they were leering and gesticulating at them. They again got out of the car and approached my vehicle. I reversed back and made a right turn away from them and stopped. I turned to try and get the numberplate and they jumped back into the vehicle and sped away nearly colliding with 2 other vehicles which had to swerve to avoid being hit.

I was shaking all night, and have been sick twice today. I realise this is an over reaction.

They were 4 men, aged 25-35 I would guess in a new Audi car. I think with hindsight that it was an attempt at a 'crash for cash' scam but at the time with DD and her friend in the car, and due to the nature of my work with vulnerable young adults, I was mostly terrified for their safety. The area where we live has had repeated problems with 'grooming gangs' and these men utterly terrified me.

What could I have done better to keep us all safe and is there anything I can do to prevent myself from being the target of aggression? I was verbally abused by a taxi driver last week (he parked in my space at work and I asked him politely to move), and a courier the week before (he couldn't turn his truck in my driveway). This didn't used to happen to me frequently and I feel on edge and really quite ill. I am sorry for being a 'drama queen', I don't want attention or sympathy, but would really appreciate some advice from the calm, sane, rational women of MN to help me make sense of the incident and my confusion today.

thanks and sorry it is so long

Next time call the police straight away. In general work, if this is often a problem for you, work on your ‘fuck off or loose your balls’ face. I am very lucky in that I have a very scary resting face so rarely get trouble from men. It’s absolutely possible to look intimidating as a woman.

Oh no you aren't overreacting at all. That's terrifying. You coped so well given the circumstances. Definitely report to the police. There's a good chance that they've done this to other people and there may well be CCTV. You are not a drama queen so get that notion right out of your head. I'd be a wreck if this happened to me. Be kind to yourself today. x

I also think your reaction today is normal and not overreacting at all. It reminds me of when you first have a baby and you go a little bit mad imagining all the bad things that can happen - abductions, runaway cars, freak accidents with carving knives falling off kitchen surfaces..

This is exactly how I feel, and also terrified. I am literally shaking still. I have bought some 'kalms' tablets in my lunchtime and taken 2 so hopefully that will help.

I will call the police after work when I have time to speak to them properly and hopefully am calmer.

Yes, I think the police would take it seriously too. I'm going to take a wild guess you weren't the only person these men targeted. It only takes one person to have taken the number plate, or one CCTV sighting that coincides with someone else's report, and you may be the person who is in a position to identify them.

You handled it well. Make sure your car is set to automatically lock the doors when started/put into drive. Also, never hesitate to protect yourself if someone actually touches your car or tries to open your door. Drive away and run them over if you have to.

OP please don’t think you over-reacted or that you’re a drama queen. You absolutely are not at all. You’re probably still in shock. What happened to you is horrific, you must have been absolutely terrified. Well done to you for protecting the DCs, you kept them and yourself safe and that is the most important thing. Very few people would have filmed in that situation, you would have been making yourself more vulnerable if you had started doing that.

You definitely should report it, even the smallest detail may help the police, it could have happened to others to. And maybe see your GP about help with the shock. Something like this could bring on anxiety or other issues. for you

Adrenaline in large doses makes you ill - that's what you're experiencing. You should go home. You're not overreacting in the slightest it sounds absolutely terrifying.

As for what you could have done differently - it sounds like you coped amazingly well and acted very very quickly.

One thing I've noticed though is that for some reason people are very slow to call the police in situations like this - whereas it's my first instinct. I was in the car with DH and the kids once and a guy started driving aggressively around us - I was driving and I had to literally order DH to get out his phone and call the police - he couldn't think to do it. I've also been in a situation where I had to tell people to call the fire brigade (I couldn't - no phone). If you feel in danger, call the police immediately - that's what they're there for. Train your mind to go to that option asap.

You poor woman - definitely not an overreaction. Report it.

I had a similar if less severe incident a few years ago. I bought a dashboard camera so that I'd have evidence if something like that happened again. I have a Garmin (older than the one linked below) and it was simple to setup and has worked flawlessly.

Garmin Dash Cam

You may get a better price on Black Friday.

You did nothing wrong at all - those men were vile bullies. Don't think for a second that you are overreacting, you aren't at all. Their behaviour was dangerous and outrageous. I'm sorry you have been getting so much aggression from these other drivers - it's not you, it's definitely them with the problem!

The only things I'd have done differently would be to have phoned 999 at the time (using the phone if necessary i.e. if no hands free link up via car radio) and if possible have driven a route to the police station (if you have a local one - most of ours locally are Mon-Fri 9-5), nearest 24hr is about 30 miles away so not necessarily practical! Driving to a busier well lit area was a good call. You could have made a note of the registration number (mentally or get passenger to write it down) but not everyone thinks like that in a crisis, and that's ok. Sounds like you handled it well.

I've been involved in a similar road rage incident before. Unfortunately for the person involved, I had hands free link up and reported it via 999 straight away, it was on the motorway (so CCTV everywhere), the other driverbhad very unique facial features....and just happened to be driving a fully sign written van. Clearly not the brightest spark. The police took the report seriously, visited the registered keeper of the vehicle (business owner) and with the CCTV and description of the driver, were able to ascertain that the guy was using the company vehicle without permission and although no criminal charges were brought, he was sacked immediately following gross misconduct.

What should you do now?

Report it via 101, get a crime reference number. Ask about CCTV/witnesses if anyone comes forward (may see something mentioned on local social media?) and what may happen next just to manage your own expectations.
Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and if it makes you feel better, get a dash cam/hands free set up etc.
If things don't settle down in the next day or so, speak to your GP about how you're feeling. Don't let it go on for weeks/months before seeking help.

Forgot to say - the way they suddenly drove off when you got a good look at them makes me wonder whether they also caught a look at you too and it was a case of mistaken identity?

You poor thing I agree you need to report to the police. I would write down all that happened and then give it to them.

Go for the Transcend200 dashcam. Around £80 on Amazon and good high-def pictures.

The police in all likelihood will be able to work out who they are from the network of ANPR systems. Ring them today.

Adrenaline in large doses makes you ill I've been sick twice and had awful diarrhoea last night - sorry TMI but I feel really unwell. And keep crying.

I promise I will call the police the thought that they left me and then attacked someone else is making me feel really awful. It never occurred to me. I didn't even tell DH when I got home. I just locked myself in the toilet and DS had to come and find me when DD was telling DH :(

From what you all say it is normal to have an odd reaction to an aggressive attack. My main thought process was that they would abut DD and her friend which seems ridiculous now (it feels like it was a crash scam from what I have read of others), but it was all that was in my head - that she would be abducted and every time I type that or thinks it I cannot stop crying. I think I have a lot of anxiety around DDs safety due to grooming scandals and she looks very old and mature for her age.

I really feel for you OP. I had something similar to this last year and it shook me up terribly for a while.

I had just picked DS up from childminder (12 months). A 20-25yr old man on a motorcross bike was zig zagging across the roads playing chicken and I saw a few cars slam on their breaks. When I approached he did the same to me - I slammed on my breaks and then began to slowly move forward when he moved out the way (I was desperate to just get away). I got to the roundabout 100yrs in front and suddenly my passenger door swung open and the man was hollaring abuse at me. I was absolutely petrified as my son was in the back on that side and I was terrified he would notice my son in the back and open his door or something. I was so shocked - there were people all around and cars on the busy road and this man thought it was acceptable to abuse me in that way. When i finally managed to unbuckle my seatbelt and grab the passenger door, slam it shut and quikclu lock all the doors I floored it to get away and then rang OH in tears. I never reported it as I honestly didn't really know where to begin with explaining what happened, but reading the PP's I now think I definitely should have...

You've not overreacted at all. It's disgusting behaviour when done to anyone, but it feels far more personal and attacking when you have small children in the car. I'd report your ordeal today as this type of thing is really scary and no one deserves to be made to feel scared like this for no reason

You did really well to keep moving towards a brighter busier area rather than panicking and stopping. I have a NextBase dash cam, but there will be lots of offers on over this weekend; I like to think it makes me less attractive as a victim of this kind of thing.

Would have been perfectly acceptable to call the police at the time and you can do this with a handheld phone in an emergency:

www.gov.uk/using-mobile-phones-when-driving-the-law

You can use a hand-held phone if either of these apply:

you’re safely parked
you need to call 999 or 112 in an emergency and it’s unsafe or impractical to stop

OP - we had a nightmare burglary when DD was 13 - five men broke in as we were at home with my elderly mother.

Mum and I were determined that DD was not going to suffer, and our determination to not let it become an issue, helped us both get back to normal faster than we might have done normally. I wonder if focussing on your DD might help you? Dreadful shock though - do whatever you need to do to help you get over this.

Well done OP, you not only did brilliantly but you have been a ROCKING role model for your DD and her friend of remaining calm under pressure. That will be something she remembers far far longer than some lewd shouts.

Without meaning to add to your anxiety in any way, you've mentioned your work a couple of times - is there any suggestion from their behaviour that the men knew who you were/knew you were connected with child protection at all (even if mistaken identity) and could have been trying to scare you intentionally?

I think you very definitely need to go to the police, tell them everythnig you wrote in your OP, and have a think whether there's any chance this was a malicious attack, even if they've got the 'wrong' person.

Bloody hell OP. Definitely not an overreaction. Well done for handling it in the way you did.

Echoing others to say please tell the police. At the very least it will help to build up a picture of incidents.

Sorry you had this happen to you Op, I think you did everything you could and you kept your dd and her friend safe, there wasn’t much else you could have done in the situation, obviously the worst thing to do is get out the car (which is possibly what they wanted you to do). All you can do now is report it to the police. Try and remember that these things are rare and it will probably never happen to you again, don’t let it eat you up and don’t let it put you off driving.

You could do a defensive driving course - that would give you the skills and confidence to out manoeuvre these knobheads if you find yourself in a similar situation.

You did the right thing though, so well done for keeping calm and please try not to let this incident get under your skin.

I don't think you could have reacted any other way and I'm in awe of how you stayed so calm in what must have been a terrifying situation. I also don't think that shaking and being sick is an overreaction and I think you need to take some time to process it all and be kind to yourself (I hate that expression but it's applicable here!).

Re what can you do to prevent being the target of aggression - honestly, nothing. It's not you. It's them. Men People are definitely becoming more aggressive these days. In a similar situation to your driveway one, my drive is often blocked by inconsiderate parking twats. I could write a MN thread every week about them tbh. Occasionally I challenge them; out of the ones I've challenged recently, by which I mean I've asked them politely to move so I can get my car off my drive, all have been male and all have been horribly rude, threatening "I know where you live, don't you talk to me like that you bitch' etc etc, and all have refused to move.

Sad sign of our times

Hope you're OK OP

I would second a defensive driving course - even if it just gives you the inner belief that you have some power / secret weapon!

And definitely not an over reaction. Your dd is right, you were "cool". You locked the doors, you had your phone to hand, you kept driving. Pretty impressive i'd say in that situation.

I had a similar situation with my 18mo in the car a few weeks back. It is terrifying to think your babas are in danger. You did everything right. Please report it! I managed to get a photo of the license plate and gave that to the police. Never heard back but was told the driver would be spoken to and given a warning re threatening behaviour and dangerous driving. Hope your ok- took me a few days to stop shaking properly x

I work with vulnerable adults including victims of sexual abuse and grooming but I do not think these men were in anyway related to that, I just think that is why my mind was going crazy thinking they wearer going to abduct my teenage daughter - I know it is not a rational next step to think that when someone is driving erratically so wanted to explain why my mind made that connection.

I'm so so sorry to hear that this has happened to so many other people. I had no idea. I thought 'road rage' attacks were a disproportionate reaction to another poor driving or a near miss - not unprovoked and often men attacking women :(