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Original poster

How to get info out of a potential new boyfriend?

82 replies

LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 14:29

What would you write?

I have a guy that I have fooled around with a couple of times. I like him, but he does enjoy playing hard to get.

Our last meeting I had to cancel at short notice because I couldn't get childcare. I felt bad and arranged for him to come over on a weekend when my son would be abroad with his dad.

He expressed interest but hasn't actually confirmed if he's coming or not. I don't really like playing games but I need to know if he's coming! If he isn't, fine - I'm finding his attitude a bit of a turnoff, but I'm not going to just sit here waiting.

What can I say to give him a nudge? I don't want to sound aggressive but also don't want to sound pathetic.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/11/2018 14:30

Just say "are you coming over or are you not" Confused

cjt110 · 13/11/2018 14:31

Hi, Just wanted to double check whether you're coming over at the weekend or not. Let me know. Thanks, Lemon

NotUmbongoUnchained · 13/11/2018 14:34

Ffs just ask.

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Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 14:40

"Ffs just ask."

The thing is, I hate feeling like someone's mother. I resent having to chase him. He should be replying.

So I guess what I'm asking is, is there a way of asking that avoids that dynamic.

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 13/11/2018 14:41

Yeah there is if you want to be a kid and play games. Or, if you want to be a grown up, JUST ASK.

Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 14:44

"Just say "are you coming over or are you not" "

Thanks Any

I know it looks that simple but... I can't explain it, except to say I suggested the idea, he was interested, then I presented the date to him as a "done deal" kinda thing, like "hope you're free on the 16th because 'll be waiting for you alone."

And he hasn't replied! I feel lame chasing him for one, it changes my tone from playful and sexy to plaintive and uncertain.

I know this all sounds really stupid Confused I am an adult, promise.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 13/11/2018 14:45

If he hasn't confirmed he's coming I'd assume he isn't and make sure you're not around just in case he turns up. If he's into you he'll learn a lesson and be more considerate. If he isn't into you then you'll find out and save wasting more energy on him.

marcopront · 13/11/2018 14:47

If you don't want to play games, just ask him.
Asking for ways to get round being direct is playing games.

Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 14:48

"Yeah there is if you want to be a kid and play games. Or, if you want to be a grown up, JUST ASK."

I don't want to play games.

I know I should just ask and I will, I was just hoping for some witty ideas. This is supposed to be a fun weekend, I wanted to keep the tone light.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 14:50

"If you don't want to play games, just ask him.
Asking for ways to get round being direct is playing games."

I'm going to ask him. It will be direct. But I want to it be funny, not just me saying "are you coming or not".

TooTrueToBeGood I'm very tempted to do that, but it does seem needlessly unfriendly, and I'd rather ask him. I just need some good copy!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 13/11/2018 14:50

God, men who do this get really short shrift from me and the opportunity to try it only once. “Can you confirm whether we’re on for [date] please, I have other plans I want to make if we’re not.” It doesn’t make you sound plaintive and uncertain, it lets him know that somebody else will be getting that slot if he doesn’t pick up his manners and let you know either way.

Winterhatsandgloves · 13/11/2018 14:50

If he hasn't replied to that message you sent he is either too nervous or waiting to see if other plans he has made materialise.

Have you been dating long? Will it be the first time you are alone with him?

Everytimeiseeher · 13/11/2018 14:50

If he’s playing games at this stage I’d not bother going any further with him.
Arrange something else and go and have a fun child free weekend making your own decisions on what you want to do and not leaving tour plans up in the air on some potential time waster. If he gets back to you invite him along.
Have fun what ever you get up to x

AnyFucker · 13/11/2018 14:51

He sounds like a pita, tbh

If he hasn't replied, you have 2 choices

  1. insist on a definite yes/no every time

  2. look like a desperado by keeping chasing after him

I know which one I would choose. If I could be arsed. Has he got a solid gold cock or something ? In my day, if someone was wasting my time it would be on to the next. Life is too short to be asking strangers on the internet if your boyfriend is really into you or not. Because if he was into you, the immediate reply would be "yes please, and should I bring the chocolate flavoured lube ?" (or whatever)

HandlebarTash81 · 13/11/2018 14:52

He’s banking on you being polite, ambiguous and “keeping it light”. It means he can keep the upper hand.

Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 14:58

"God, men who do this get really short shrift from me and the opportunity to try it only once. “Can you confirm whether we’re on for [date] please, I have other plans I want to make if we’re not.” It doesn’t make you sound plaintive and uncertain, it lets him know that somebody else will be getting that slot if he doesn’t pick up his manners and let you know either way."

I completely agree and I'm prepared to cut him off over this, however, I don't want there to be any uncertainty. I want him to know that if this weekend doesn't happen, it won't be because of me - it will be because he didn't reply.

I'm reluctant to change the tone to business-like... I don't want to seem that invested. (I guess I am playing games, aren't I.) But neither do I want it to sound like I have a rotation of men in my bed.

The truth is that I will invite someone else if he doesn't come. But he doesn't need to know that.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 15:00

"If he hasn't replied to that message you sent he is either too nervous or waiting to see if other plans he has made materialise.

Have you been dating long? Will it be the first time you are alone with him?"

Not the first time I'll be alone with him, and we aren't really dating. If I'm honest, I know I'll never date him. He's too much of a pain. I just want him to come for a dirty weekend.

But despite that, he is great fun when you're actually in the room together. He's one of those.

You're right about the "other plans" thing. I really want to issue an ultimatum/time limit but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd rather just say "sorry, deal's off" but I know I won't do that either

OP posts:
Winterhatsandgloves · 13/11/2018 15:01

Sounds as if he does turn up you'll be worrying during the week after he hasn't contacted you. Just ask him and say you need to know now because otherwise you have plans.

Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 15:03

"If he’s playing games at this stage I’d not bother going any further with him.
Arrange something else and go and have a fun child free weekend making your own decisions on what you want to do and not leaving tour plans up in the air on some potential time waster. If he gets back to you invite him along. "

I agree! If it's always going to be like this I'd rather not, thanks. I don't want my plans up in the air either. That's why I want clarity from him.

If he doesn't come, I will be inviting someone else. I'm getting my weekend one way or another, and I will be at home. I can't risk him showing up - I need to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 15:05

"He’s banking on you being polite, ambiguous and “keeping it light”. It means he can keep the upper hand."

"Sounds as if he does turn up you'll be worrying during the week after he hasn't contacted you. Just ask him and say you need to know now because otherwise you have plans."

Totally agree.

He has form for leaving it until the last possible second to get back to me, and then coming through, at which point all my irritation evaporates. Because he's very handsome Hmm but THIS TIME he's really annoyed me!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 13/11/2018 15:06

You’ve said he enjoys playing hard to get so play him at his own game. Invite someone else over Grin, could make for an interesting evening if the original guy turns up as well ........

Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 15:14

"You’ve said he enjoys playing hard to get so play him at his own game. Invite someone else over grin, could make for an interesting evening if the original guy turns up as well ........"

I considered this, believe me... but I don't want the drama. I just want clarity. Was hoping for some well-written ideas. Short and to the point and that make him realise he's being a dick by ot responding, like an adult would!

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 13/11/2018 15:18

You can’t want him to behave like an adult if you’re not willing to behave like an adult.

If you play his games, he will just continue playing games. How are you not getting this?

Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 16:37

I think you’re being a little harsh Not - I’m the one who wants an answer, and I’ll ask, I just wanted to ask with a little finesse. That’s all. Suddenly turning businesslike would be weird, it’s not how I am with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonLimerance · 13/11/2018 16:38

I agree I shouldn’t play his games though, it’s not working for me. I’m feeling annoyed when I should feel excited.

OP posts: